Author Archive: Darby Shaw
Common Cold Sweeping the Globe
Just as fear of swine flu began sweeping across North America, scientists in Europe noticed an even more disturbing trend: the spread of the common cold. While the common cold has been around for years, the recent increase in concern about the spread of disease has made this a much more pressing issue in the eyes of public health officials.
Somali Pirates Pick New Targets
Early Wednesday morning, young Somali pirates, frustrated in their attempts to capture U.S. cargo ships, revealed a new strategy by hijacking two kayaks, a paddleboat, and the log flume ride at Magic Happyland Amusement Park.
Historian Discovers Roots of St. Patrick’s Day
Dr. Haggis O’Connell, renowned professor of European Studies at Harvard University, has discovered ancient texts revealing a surprising secret: the celebration of St. Patrick’s Day once related to a hero of folklore from abroad.
Review of Lily Allen’s “It’s Not Me, It’s You”
(Editor’s note: Darby turned in a music review this week that was not up to the usual high standards we have here at The Inept Owl. However, when we tried to return his review so that he could rework it, we found him passed out underneath his desk, a bottle of bourbon in one hand and an inflatable sheep in the other. Therefore, the editorial staff was forced to do a quick rewrite in order to meet the deadline. Thank you for your understanding.)
A-Rod Tests Positive for SUCK
New York, NY: In the past week, it has been revealed that New York Yankees’ 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez tested positive for banned performance-enhancing substances as a part of random, anonymous drug testing during the 2003 season. After the story was revealed, Rodriguez admitted to using performance enhancers between 2001 and 2003; however, Inept Owl reporters have obtained copies of a more recent drug test and realized that the entire story has not yet come out.
Buried amongst all the scientific mumbo-jumbo that, quite frankly, leaves us completely mystified, Owl staff found mention of one substance not previously listed in reports elsewhere. This compound was found by blood-testing, as it apparently disappears once it passes through the kidneys and mixes with urine. The substance, which is labeled “steroid: undetectable compound, kidney-based” or SUCK for short, was found in Rodriguez’s blood sample.
Secret Service Unveils New Limo for Obama
At a White House press conference this morning, Secret Service staff revealed the new limo that will be used to transport Barack Obama from place to place. Dubbed the “Changemobile,” it represents not only the most cutting-edge technology in communication and protection, but also in the use of “green” technology.
Special Agent Cole Trickle, who will be Obama’s assigned driver, gave a demonstration of the car’s capabilities. “It has everything the modern President could ask for,” said Trickle. “It’s got a USB jack for his iPod, Bluetooth capability for his cell phone, and DVD players in the headrests. If he wants to check his Hotmail, the car has a secure wi-fi connection. It’s basically like having a Starbucks on wheels.”
Not An Airplane’s “Everything Is Not Loveable”
Being an unpaid faux-music-reviewer (as in a faux reviewer of music, not a reviewer of faux music), I’m not up on the ridiculously fine-hair-splitting categories kids use these days. Our previous review of their work called them “folk,” but the current work was a little rock-heavy with country sounds to fit that mold in my mind (that mold being “bearded men who smell of patchouli” and “women who don’t shave their armpits”). But I know there’s this “alt-country” thing, so I looked it up on wikipedia; on that site, a bunch of people who take themselves too seriously typed a bunch of stuff about a genre they take too seriously. For lack of a better label, I’ll call them “alt-country,” which, to the best of my understanding, means they’re country-ish without sounding like country. It could sound like bluegrass or punk rock and somebody will call it alt-country, so that works for me. The guitar’s a little twangy at times, and the vocals are a little twangy at times… it fits. Twenty years ago, they would have been “southern rock.” But I digress.
Salvation Army To Fight In Iran
A beleaguered President Bush, running out of time in his lame-duck office term but eager to start up another international conflict, has reinstated the draft in order to boost the ranks of the military. However, the new draft is aimed at a single organization: the Salvation Army.
When asked about the move, the President said, “Just look at the name: Salvation Army. Army, as in soldiers. Salvation, as in Christian soldiers. Just the kind of thing we need to take out those godless foreign aggressors in… where am I sending them? Iraq? Afghanistan? Iran? Yeah, Iran. That’s it.”
Christmas Sales Begin for 2009
Citing a sluggish economy and projecting below-par quarterly numbers, major retailers have decided to boost their flagging sales by beginning their pre-holiday sales for 2009.
Review of O.A.R.’s “All Sides”
About six years ago, I was at one of those cheesy-ass “murder mystery dinner parties.” You know… everyone dresses up and acts out a murder mystery with each other, and there are themed courses to the meal that match up to the story line. Unfortunately, my wife and I were the only ones to show up other than the host and hostess, which made it rather difficult to play out the murder mystery. But since we had a fridge full of beer and I had a sock stuffed down my pants (it was a part of the character, I swear), we decided to play the ever-entertaining college drinking game, “Flip Cup.”
