Author Darby Shaw

Sports lebron_james_powder

Cleveland, OH: Actor/rapper/social satirist Shaquille O’Neal announced this morning that, having attempted nearly every other career field known to man, he will begin in the fall to play professional basketball.

O’Neal, who is best known for his well-composed postings on Twitter, has had a varied career. Shaq’s first love, of course, was music; he has had a half-dozen releases, selling literally dozens of copies. He has spent time in Hollywood, starring in such blockbusters as Kazaam, Steel, and Scary Movie 4. When he was not able to demand the salary of a Harrison Ford or a Justin Long, he moved on. He has been a deputized law officer for some time, inspiring Steven Segal to enter into law enforcement himself.

Business chevy_volt

This Tuesday, US automaker General Motors revealed the miles-per-gallon, or MPG, statistics for their upcoming new model, the Chevy Volt. According to their statistics, the vehicle will get “infinity plus one” MPG.

Politics obama_talk

Washington, DC: As President Obama reached the six-month anniversary of his taking the Oath of Office, his administration was officially dubbed a failure by the American populace.

“That good-fer-nothin Muslim promised us all sorts of stuff, and none of it’s happened,” said Cletus Popper, a Kentucky coal miner. “The war in Eye-raq, the Tally-ban, free healthcare for my young’uns… none of it! If I’da registered to vote, and if I’da voted for Mr. John McCain, I bet I’d be sittin’ on a pile of hunnert dollar bills right now.”

Critics Den manchester_orchestra_album

When you start up the first track on an album and you involuntarily say “What the hell?” it’s either a really good thing, or a really bad thing. There’s not much of a middle ground to that phrase.

But in my defense, I also wasn’t expecting what came out of my speakers when I clicked Play. The editor sent me a link and said, “Here, why don’t you try writing something useful for a change?” The link had the name Manchester Orchestra in it, so I figured it was going to be some classical pieces from the UK, right? I mean sure, those of us here at The Inept Owl have as much class and culture as a post-chili farting contest… but it wouldn’t be unheard-of for us to review some high-brow music for sh*ts and giggles.

International swine_flu

Just as fear of swine flu began sweeping across North America, scientists in Europe noticed an even more disturbing trend: the spread of the common cold. While the common cold has been around for years, the recent increase in concern about the spread of disease has made this a much more pressing issue in the eyes of public health officials.

International somali_pirates

Early Wednesday morning, young Somali pirates, frustrated in their attempts to capture U.S. cargo ships, revealed a new strategy by hijacking two kayaks, a paddleboat, and the log flume ride at Magic Happyland Amusement Park.

Barely News saint_patrick

Dr. Haggis O’Connell, renowned professor of European Studies at Harvard University, has discovered ancient texts revealing a surprising secret: the celebration of St. Patrick’s Day once related to a hero of folklore from abroad.

Critics Den lily_allen

(Editor’s note: Darby turned in a music review this week that was not up to the usual high standards we have here at The Inept Owl. However, when we tried to return his review so that he could rework it, we found him passed out underneath his desk, a bottle of bourbon in one hand and an inflatable sheep in the other. Therefore, the editorial staff was forced to do a quick rewrite in order to meet the deadline. Thank you for your understanding.)

Sports alex_rodriguez

New York, NY: In the past week, it has been revealed that New York Yankees’ 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez tested positive for banned performance-enhancing substances as a part of random, anonymous drug testing during the 2003 season. After the story was revealed, Rodriguez admitted to using performance enhancers between 2001 and 2003; however, Inept Owl reporters have obtained copies of a more recent drug test and realized that the entire story has not yet come out.

Buried amongst all the scientific mumbo-jumbo that, quite frankly, leaves us completely mystified, Owl staff found mention of one substance not previously listed in reports elsewhere. This compound was found by blood-testing, as it apparently disappears once it passes through the kidneys and mixes with urine. The substance, which is labeled “steroid: undetectable compound, kidney-based” or SUCK for short, was found in Rodriguez’s blood sample.

National limo_tank

At a White House press conference this morning, Secret Service staff revealed the new limo that will be used to transport Barack Obama from place to place. Dubbed the “Changemobile,” it represents not only the most cutting-edge technology in communication and protection, but also in the use of “green” technology.

Special Agent Cole Trickle, who will be Obama’s assigned driver, gave a demonstration of the car’s capabilities. “It has everything the modern President could ask for,” said Trickle. “It’s got a USB jack for his iPod, Bluetooth capability for his cell phone, and DVD players in the headrests. If he wants to check his Hotmail, the car has a secure wi-fi connection. It’s basically like having a Starbucks on wheels.”

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