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T-Mobile Fails to Help Local Idiot Break Up with Girlfriend



New York, NY: Last week, mobile communications company T-Mobile found a social media foothold that promises to take viral marketing by storm. Maybe too well.

Local idiot Jonathan Hirsch, only half-reading the advertisement about an app from T-Mobile that helps you break ties with your current mobile phone service in a break-up letter, and instead tried to passive-aggresively break up with current girlfriend Amanda Cousins.

“It was really weird looking at his news feed,” stated long-time friend to Hirsch, Andrew Meadows. “He must have posted 50 break-up letters, all different, to difference phone services on Facebook. You’d think he would have picked up on the fact that they were addressed to cell phone companies and not Amanda, but Jon has never been that bright.”

“I kind of knew Jon was breaking up with me when I saw the break-up letters he was posting through T-Mobile,” stated still current girlfriend to Hirsch, Ms. Amanda Cousins. “His carrier is MetroPCS, so his letters to AT&T, Verizon, and Sprint didn’t make a whole lot of sense. But I’m not going to let him off this easily. I want him to squirm until he finally grows the balls to break up with me, at least by text message or some other lame way.”

When asked if Hirsch tends to shy away from confrontation, Ms. Cousins laughed. “Jon once drove off the highway because he was going to be late for Thanksgiving dinner and didn’t want to deal with his mother,” she exclaimed. “He never even asked me out. I met him at a bar through mutual friends and just started showing up at his apartment. He’s so timid, I’m surprised he ever leaves the house.”

When asked about the failed break-up, Hirsch seemed to suffer a stroke. While he was incredibly articulate when speaking to emergency personnel when he called them, he could only grunt and drool while we waited for an ambulance.

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