Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.
The insanity continues into Week 11!
Thursday, November 15th, 2012
Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Bills by 1
Listen, AFC East. We all knew that the Patriots were going to win your division. As long as Belichick and Brady are running the show up there, you guys are battling for a Wild Card spot at best. But at this point, you’re like three drunk guys rock-paper-scissoring over who has to sleep with the chick with the lazy eye and peg-leg on a moldy futon in the basement of your division. Do NONE of you have any pride? Any dignity? Any desire to acquit yourselves better than the AFC West, which is basically where talent goes to die in the NFL these days? Somebody needs to step the hell up and take a shot. The Steelers are about to lose their QB for a couple weeks to a combo of sprained shoulder and baby-daddy-detail. And if the Colts manage to sneak into a playoff spot, we’re going to be subjected to about fifty billion plays on the word “Luck” and I’m going to have to shank Peter King. So, please, ONE of you start playing football.
Rob Wheatley: Dolphins-LOSS
Steve Elle: Dolphins-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Dolphins-LOSS
Sunday, November 18th, 2012
Arizona Cardinals @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons by 10
Imagine you were getting attacked by a Falcon, right now. Peck peck, flap flap, peck, flap. Flap peck flap. Peck. It’s not a very comfortable experience is it ?
Now imagine you are getting attacked by a Cardinal. ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH AAAARRGGHHH aaarrrGGGHHH AAARRggHHHHH AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH.
You see, that’s quite a lot worse. So here’s a good idea, why not sack all of the Cardinals from their jobs at the church, and employ Falcons instead, it would be a lot less scary. The Cardinals could sit in trees all day, learning to fly and laying eggs. That would teach them.
Darby Shaw: Falcons-LOSS
Steve Elle: Falcons-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Cardinals-WIN
Cleveland Browns @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys by 8
Don’t sleep on these Browns. Sure, they’re awful at basically every position. They’ve been the worst team in their division, if not their entire conference, league, and sport. Statistically, the only thing they’re worse at than offense is defense. They haven’t won any games worth mentioning: just a single-digit snoozefest against San Diego, and an “Eff You” game against their rivals, the Bengals. But they have a sneaky way of doing just well enough… not to win, I mean. Just to cover the spread and screw your picks record for the week.
Rob Wheatley: Cowboys-LOSS
Steve Elle: Cowboys-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Browns-WIN
Green Bay Packers @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Packers by 3
I found myself laughing uncontrollably at Donald Trump’s hair the other day. It was a great, booming laugh. The Packers are certainly one of the teams who can….hahahahahaha…Whilst the Lions, in their defense have a known…Hahahahahahahaa…During last months scandal where the Packers Quarterback was said to have inappropriately…Hahahahaha HaHaHaHa,,,with his wife’s…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!
Darby Shaw: Packers-WIN
Steve Elle: Packers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-LOSS
Cincinnati Bengals @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Bengals by 4
Andy Dalton just won offensive player of the week honors for the first time. Matt Cassel did not. In fact, Cassel played so poorly that journeyman Brady Quinn will be starting in his place. Brady Quinn would now have trouble starting for his alma mater, Notre Dame. But the Chefs are in such bad shape that the Mighty Quinn is the choice. That said, if Andy Dalton does not win his second consecutive offensive player of the week award I will be very surprised. Though honestly, I don’t care one bit about this game.
Rob Wheatley: Bengals-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bengals-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Bengals-WIN
New York Jets @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: Rams by 3
Rob Wheatley: Rams-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Rams-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-WIN
Philadelphia Eagles @ Washington Redskins
LINE: Redskins by 4
Evil Peyton Manning:
Normally, this would be a lackluster match-up in the NFC East. The Eagles would be in the running for the division while the Redskins played the part of a tackle dummy all season. Now the Redskins are surprisingly at the bottom, considering the hype around RG3 and the continual turnovers by the Eagles offense. The battle to decide last place, Round 1, begins in Washington D.C. Or, somewhere around it.
Rob Wheatley: Redskins-WIN
Darby Shaw: Redskins-WIN
Steve Elle: Redskins-WIN
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Buccaneers by 1
According to the latest useless feature on ESPN’s website (following “QBR” and “Videos automatically playing while I’m trying to pretend I’m working”), there are just 1,100 tickets available for this game. Really? Carolina is somehow figuring out how to sell home game tickets this season? Their quarterback is a whiny bitch, their entire team is on the trading block, and California officials are trying to woo the Panthers into being the next franchise to fold in Los Angeles. Yet somehow those hilljacks are still showing up for games even after blowing all their money on hunting licenses and NASCAR tickets? Amazing. Meanwhile, the Bucs are quietly putting together a decent season on the back of running back Doug Martin, who should be due to suffer a catastrophic knee injury in three… two… one…
Rob Wheatley: Panthers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Buccaneers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Buccaneers-WIN
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 16
Here’s a good rule of thumb: if you’re reading my commentary and I ever say “There’s no spread big enough to cover this game,” it means that the underdog will cover, if not win outright. Why? Have you LOOKED at my picks? The only person on the planet with a worse record than me is Mitt Romney. Oh, and Patrick. But anyway, the Texans are rolling, and the Jags are… from Jacksonville.
Rob Wheatley: Texans-LOSS
Steve Elle: Texans-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Jaguars-WIN
New Orleans Saints @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Saints by 5
Evil Peyton Manning:
The Joe Vitt project seems to be working in New Orleans. This is good news, considering Sean Payton’s contract is still up for grabs. The tour to embarrass Aaron Kromer continues into Oakland, who may be shopping for Sean Payton themselves when this season is over, or sooner if Al Davis was still around.
Rob Wheatley: Raiders-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Saints-WIN
Steve Elle: Saints-WIN
San Diego Chargers @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos by 8
If you had to eat a horse,which would it be; a Charger or a Bronco ? I’d go for the Bronco, for the simple reason that it’s designed to buck its rider off as quick as possible. A Charger would run and run, smooth as water, fast as the wind. Imagine all those miles in the hot desert. A hot, sweaty desert with a cowboy’s ass stuck to the saddle the whole way. Man, I don’t want to eat that, it would just taste funny. Give me the Bronco any day, in fact bring me the champion. That monster probably bucks a man so hard , his internal organs become a part of his face and the cowboy ends up looking like he just got Botox from Picasso.
Darby Shaw: Chargers-WIN
Steve Elle: Broncos-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-WIN
Indianapolis Colts @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 10
Listen, Andrew Luck is playing pretty well; certainly better than most rookie QB’s. Tom Brady is also playing well, better than most starting QB’s. this is where the commonality ends. Luck looks like a neck bearded Amish gnome. Brady? Handsome. Delicious. Rich. Cleft chinned. Model wife. Luck? Well, he can write a big check but that’s about it. As for the game, for the Colts to compete they’ll have to be very…wait for it… Lucky. Hahahahaha…
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-WIN
Darby Shaw: Colts-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Colts-LOSS
Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Ravens by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
What do you get when your star quarterback is injured to make way for a former Jaguars quarterback who might as well aim with his hand when he throws the ball? You get a Steelers team who is contemplating pushing Big Ben onto the field until Mike Wallace catches a ball along with Roethlisberger’s arm. This is how close they are to the playoffs. This may be the closest they will be to the playoffs for awhile after this season. Then again, the same could have been said for the Ravens these past two seasons.
Rob Wheatley: Steelers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Ravens-LOSS
Steve Elle: Ravens-LOSS
Monday, November 19th, 2012
Chicago Bears @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 5
In the battle of backup QB’s the Bears have the edge. Jason Campbell has actually started and won a few games in this league (few being the operative word). Colin Kapernick (sp) has some swell tattoos though. In this respect he buries Campbell. And he’s pretty athletic. So I think both teams will lean on their running game, pitting Frank Gore against Matt Forte. That’s a pretty good matchup. But, with the game being played in San Fran I would tend to give the very slight edge to the Niners. Unless the Bears score more points, in which case all bets are off.
Rob Wheatley: Bears-LOSS
Darby Shaw: 49ers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-WIN
Darby Shaw: 83-76
Rob Wheatley: 82-77
Steve Elle: 81-78
Evil Peyton Manning: 80-79