Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.
The insanity continues into Week 6!
Thursday, Octoberber 11th, 2012
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Steelers by 6
I’ve been thinking hard about this game, waiting for a flash of inspiration or maybe some spark of insight that will help me predict the outcome. With this in mind, I just noticed something far too bizarre to be mere coincidence. Titans is very nearly the same word as Titanic, and Pittsburgh contains the word Burgh. Fair enough, Burgh is not really a word, but Berg is, especially when combined with ice, Do you see the pattern forming here ? Titanic, Iceberg ! My god, I just noticed also that the sun is in alignment with Uranus, so you should probably see a proctologist ASAP ! Anyway, by my reckoning, this game is going to be something akin to a train wreck; a boat crash ! Man the lifeboats, Women and children first, it’s all too much, I can’t watch. No change there then, as I’ve never seen a game in my life !
Darby Shaw: Steelers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Titans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Steelers-LOSS
Sunday, October 14th, 2012
Oakland Raiders @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Falcons by 9
Evil Peyton Manning:
Coming off a bye week, the Oakland Raiders are ready to show the NFL that they are legitima…Hm. Coming off a bye week, Carson Palmer and the Raiders are poised to bounce back from…Ugh. Coming off a bye week, the Raiders are set to display the improveme… (Sigh). Coming off a bye week, the Oakland Raiders plan to play a football game. Meanwhile, in Atlanta, newspapers began misprinting the NFL standings to show the Falcons at 6-0 since Monday.
Rob Wheatley: Falcons-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Falcons-LOSS
Steve Elle: Falcons-LOSS
Cincinnati Bengals @ Cleveland Browns
Evil Peyton Manning:
The “Battle for Ohio: Round 2″ is set for this weekend between the Bengals and Browns. While having the finale of this rivalry so early in the season may seem anti-climactic, it frees up the people of Ohio for more important events. The Sarah Jones trial begins this week, which means that the media in both Cincinnati and Cleveland will be flooded with pictures of Miss Jones in her Ben-Gals glory. It may not be a proud Ohio moment, but it’s more than these two teams haven given their state in quite a while.
Rob Wheatley: Bengals-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Bengals-LOSS
Steve Elle: Bengals-LOSS
St. Louis Rams @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Dolphins by 4
The Dolphins are on a roll with an outstanding one game winning streak, one of very few one game winning streaks they’ve had these last few years. Well, they bring that one game winning streak back to whatever Dolphins stadium is called these days. Joe Robbie? Landshark? Dolphins? Maybe they should rename it the Orange Bowl. Catchy name. Anyway, honorary African American (due to his receiving prowess and speed – hey, his teammates said it not me, I’m just repeating it here for edification) Brian Hartline will seek to continue his Wes Welker, er, Larry Fitzgerald imitation. Ryan Tannehill – honorary Caucasian, seeks to imitate Michael Vick. Well, minus the jail term.
Rob Wheatley: Dolphins-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Rams-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Rams-WIN
Indianapolis Colts @ New York Jets
LINE: Jets by 3
In a conversation this week, I talked about how the Monday night game was really fun and watchable. It was only in retrospect that I realized I was actually talking about Sunday night’s game between the Saints and Chargers. I apparently blocked the Monday night Jets-Texans game entirely out of my mind. To be fair, I had a really exciting game of Bad Piggies going on my phone, so the receiverless Jets versus the “yeah yeah, they’re going to the Super Bowl, we know this” Texans didn’t have much appeal. On the other hand, I did hear that the Colts pulled off one of those “Let’s win this for Coach, who has CANCER!” games. Shouldn’t we just automatically award teams a win after an event like that? At any rate, the Jets will unveil a new offense this week, where nobody plays the way you expect them to. DBs will play wideout, Tebow will play linebacker, Rex Ryan will play nose tackle, and Mark Sanchez will play good football.
Rob Wheatley: Jets-WIN
Steve Elle: Colts-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-WIN
Detroit Lions @ Philadelphia Eagles
LINE: Eagles by 5
I don’t know if you get this in America, but here in sunny Europe, we have a brand of soft white cheese named ‘Philadelphia’. This led to a very strange dream recently, featuring a Philadelphia Eagle. It was battling with a margarine Albatross and a whipped cream Sparrow-Hawk, one hell of a mess. There was also a cat in the dream, trying to catch the birds, but luckily the cat was lactose intolerant, so it gave up after coming out in a nasty rash. I really must stop eating cheese sandwiches just before I go to bed.
Darby Shaw: Lions-WIN
Steve Elle: Eagles-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-WIN
Kansas City Chiefs @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Buccaneers by 4
Tired of being a classier fan base than that of the Oakland Raiders, Chiefs fans cheered when starting quarterback Matt Cassel went down with a head injury in last week’s game. Even Eagles fans, who habitually throw batteries at Santa and idolize a movie persona who beats up people for a living, were awed by the utter douchebaggery coming out of Arrowhead Stadium. Those Chiefs fans will get their just desserts this week, as they welcome in Brady Quinn, a guy who wasn’t good enough to play for the Browns when Derek Anderson was starting, and wasn’t good enough for the Broncos when Tim Tebow was starting. When Quinn joins forces with castoff running back Peyton Hillis and castoff head coach Romeo Crennel, the Chiefs may be better off wearing Browns jerseys. At least then nobody will expect them to win. Oh, I guess the Buccaneers are playing in this game too. Whatever
Rob Wheatley: Bucs-WIN
Steve Elle: Bucs-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Chiefs-LOSS
Dallas Cowboys @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Ravens by 4
Will the real Cowboys please stand up? Oh, they already have. Wildly inconsistent, overrated, overpaid, meddling owner, puppet, stand in coach, The Romosexual at QB – these ARE the real Cowboys. Bless their single starred hearts. The Ravens? Less inconsistent and playing pretty well, save last week. The Cowboys don’t like grass so this may be the great equalizer. Well, that and the fact that they’re not a great team. Yeah, that might have something to do with it.
Rob Wheatley: Cowboys-WIN
Darby Shaw: Ravens-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Ravens-LOSS
Buffalo Bills @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Cardinals by 5
The Bills are names after Wild West hero, William ‘Buffalo Bill’ Cody. Now, many people think he gained that name due to his prowess at hunting this majestic beast. Actually, he got the name because of his amazing propensity to break wind. Buffalos and other cow-types are some of the biggest producers of methane gas on the planet. Apparently the biggest are mackerel, which is doing my brain in. Imagine being a fish and trying to pass off a silent one in polite company. The bubbles would be an immediate giveaway, and in the middle of the open sea, there’s just no place to hide. As a result of this, Darwin gave all fish very short memories, just to cover their embarrassment. It’s another wildlife fact I just made up. Don’t say you never learn anything from my unparallelled Football knowledge.
Darby Shaw: Cardinals-LOSS
Steve Elle: Cardinals-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Cardinals-LOSS
New England Patriots @ Seattle Seahawks
LINE: Patriots by 4
Earlier in the season, I mocked the Patriots for having 37 tight ends on their roster. Now, as the New England Belichicks deal with an injured Hernandez and dinged-up Gronk without breaking stride, we are reminded of an important lesson: I am an idiot. Last week’s Manning-Brady match-up showed that Archie Manning is simply too old for the game, now. Wait, what? That was PEYTON Manning? Are you sure? Anyway… The Seahawks, meanwhile, have fully ended the honeymoon with Russel Wilson and have moved on to the “Well, I guess I’m stuck with you until one of us dies” stage of the relationship. If they can get out of this game without having to go to marriage counseling, they’ll consider this game a success.
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-LOSS
Steve Elle: Patriots-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-LOSS
New York Giants @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 5
This is one of the best match-ups this week. The Niners are a pretty complete team. When Randy Moss, even the neutered Moss of 2012, is largely ignored you know they’re doing something right. But the Giants have the horses to contend with their defense. They can run it as they proved last week but likely they will have to pass it against this 49er team. Game aside, here’s hoping for some post game drama. Between Jim Harbaugh’s affinity for a scolding post game handshake and Tom Coughlin’s penchant for scolding opposing head coaches for, uh, playing to the whistle, things could get interesting if it’s a hotly contested game.
Rob Wheatley: 49ers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Giants-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-LOSS
Minnesota Vikings @ Washington Redskins
LINE: Redskins by 2
Evil Peyton Manning:
RG3 was truly introduced to the NFL last week when he took a vicious blow to the head. Yes, pro players really are bigger, stronger, and faster. RG3 may want to sit out this week even if he did pass his concussion tests, because Vikings defensive end Jared Allen is as big and bad as they come, so much so that merely his stare is helping his team win football games. Seriously, how else can you explain the Vikings being 4-1?
Rob Wheatley: Redskins-WIN
Darby Shaw: Vikings-LOSS
Steve Elle: Vikings-LOSS
Green Bay Packers @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 4
It’s only week six, and already the Packers are in a must-win situation. Not because they’re third in their division and already two games in back of the leaders, but rather because State Farm Insurance paid a crap-load of money for those Aaron Rodgers commercials and they won’t tolerate failure from their mascot. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that you do NOT want to mess with an insurance company. Expect several key Texans players to mysteriously come up missing in the next few days, followed by an APB for a husky white male wearing a Cheesehead, carrying an Arian-Foster-shaped bodybag and yelling “DISCOUNT DOUBLE-CHECK!”
Rob Wheatley: Packers-WIN
Steve Elle: Packers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Packers-WIN
Monday, October 15th, 2012
Houston Texans @ New York Jets
LINE: Chargers by 1
Evil Peyton Manning:
The Peyton Manning Reunion Tour continues as he visits Philip Rivers and the Chargers in San Diego. This season has been a sort of anti-hype for Manning, since he’s really playing all the teams he usually plays against, not like Joe Montana when he went to the Kansas City Chiefs and was able to slap around teams that he didn’t normally play against. Unfortunately, this tour won’t be stopping in Indianapolis for a game against his replacement, Andrew Luck. The Chargers, meanwhile, look to recapture some of that magic that guided them through the first few weeks before they take an extended bye week against the Browns, Chiefs, and Bucs.
Rob Wheatley: Broncos-WIN
Darby Shaw: Broncos-WIN
Steve Elle: Chargers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: 50-41
Steve Elle: 46-45
Darby Shaw: 40-51
Evil Peyton Manning: 37-54