Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.
The insanity continues into Week 5!
Thursday, Octoberber 4th, 2012
Arizona Cardinals @ St. Louis Rams
LINE: Cardinals by 1
I just put the words ‘Arizona Cardinals’ into the anagram solving part of my brain, and look what I came up with.
It seems you can make the words Aran Zion Radicals. Yes, I don’t know what Aran means either, so I smoked some more and then came up with this : Imagine it’s a coded message, and one letter has been deliberately omitted. It could read Aryan Zion Radicals, which is a concept I can’t get my head around, especially as I just smoked that thing I said I’d smoked. Anyway, what if a letter had just been changed, then it could read Iran Zion Radicals, in which case I think someone ought to get on the phone to Jack Bauer or a similar fictitious character, cos that sounds like there’s some serious ass kicking about to go down. But then I thought, maybe they did change a letter, but it then reads Anal Zion Radicals. Well, in that case, I think I’ll just let them get on with it. As you were.
Darby Shaw: Rams-WIN
Steve Elle: Rams-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Cardinals-LOSS
Sunday, October 7th, 2012
Miami Dolphins @ Cincinnati Bengals
LINE: Bengals by 4
The surprising Dolphins will be competitive against the Bengals. Ryan Tannehill looks to be perhaps the 2nd best rookie QB out of a pretty good crop, but the Bengals will be playing at home and you know what that means: they’ll be in Ohio. Dolphins don’t swim very well in Ohio because there’s no salt water. Well, there’s brackish water but there’s no ocean. Of course there are no tigers either, particularly Bengal tigers. Perhaps the stadium should be in India. Anyway, clearly this game’s a mess with animals in weird places and an Indian stadium in Ohio.
Rob Wheatley: Bengals-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Dolphins-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Bengals-LOSS
Green Bay Packers @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Packers by 7
After the Packers’ debacle with the replacement referees in their loss to Seattle, they welcomed back the regular refs with open arms. The regular refs then promptly turned around and kicked the Packers in the nuts, with a blown call that nearly cost the Packers a win against the now-lowly Saints. That’s what you dumb-asses get for forgetting that the regular NFL refs are awful in their own special way. On the other hand, the Colts had a bye week last week, giving them a well-needed rest from a grueling three-week schedule. For the next thirteen weeks, they will be well-rested and prepared for the marathon sessions of preparing to take the first pick in next year’s NFL draft.
Rob Wheatley: Packers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Packers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Packers-LOSS
Baltimore Ravens @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Ravens by 5
A week after pulling victory from the jaws of defeat, Romeo Crennel returned his Chiefs team to form last week, throwing a hot dog down the hallway of their competence in a rousing loss to the Chargers. Pretty-boy QB Matt Cassel threw 27 interceptions, and double-hand-amputee Jamaal Charles coughed the ball up twice. Look for the Ravens to whip up on the Chiefs after having just bent over the Cleveland “Hey, We Were Smart Enough to Get Rid of Romeo, At Least” Browns. The most exciting aspect of this game will be to see whether the wooly caterpillars living over Joe Flacco’s eyes begin to take over his entire face.
Rob Wheatley: Ravens-LOSS
Steve Elle: Ravens-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Ravens-LOSS
Cleveland Browns @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 10
Evil Peyton Manning:
The Browns are winless after 4 weeks. If this surprises you, I would call you a liar and strip you of your sports fan badge, even if you live in Cleveland. What is surprising is how close the games have been. These aren’t blowout games. These are “Holy s#!t, Weeden may actually get it done!” games. He doesn’t, but it’s a nice change of pace for Cleveland to have a quarterback that throws more touchdowns than interceptions. The Giants, meanwhile, hope to score more touchdowns in this game than they miss field goals.
Rob Wheatley: Giants-WIN
Darby Shaw: Browns-LOSS
Steve Elle: Giants-WIN
Philadelphia Eagles @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers by 3
When I’m Prime Minister of England, I’m going to make a law so that every garden has its own Eagle. This is partly to get back at all the cats that kill all the sparrows, but also, so that within a few weeks or something, the Eagle population will have grown so much, we’ll have to bring in wolves to control them. A few weeks after that, I’ll introduce crocodiles to control the wolves, and then elephants to stamp on the crocs, and so on until we have to use killer whales. Once the killer whale population is out of control, we’ll only have one option: Dinosaurs, and Dinosaurs Rock ! So don’t forget to vote for me when the time comes.
Darby Shaw: Steelers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Steelers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Steelers-LOSS
Atlanta Falcons @ Washington Redskins
LINE:Falcons by 3
RGIII survived a scare against the Bucs on Sunday. Now he returns home to the comfy confines of Fed Ex Field where, unfortunately for the Skins, they rarely win. Matty Nice brings the Falcons into DC looking for a filibuster. Don’t ask me what I mean by that, I just wanted to work filibuster into a game preview. Though I think the ‘Skins may find a way to win, Griffin could very likely be RG II&III at the conclusion of this game.
Rob Wheatley: Redskins-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Falcons-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-WIN
Seattle Seahawks @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Panthers by 3
Poor Cam Newton. First he acts like he accidentally shot the guy who could have cured cancer after his loss to the Giants, then his hometown newspaper runs a cartoon of him wearing a Hello Kitty t-shirt. At this rate, he’s about three shots of tequila from pulling a Vince Young and having his mommy call the cops worried that he’s suicidal. On the bright side, Seahawks phenom Russel Wilson will have a close-up view of what the second year of his career will look like. The only thing I expect out of this game is that nobody will watch it.
Rob Wheatley: Seahawks-WIN
Steve Elle: Seahawks-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Panthers-LOSS
Chicago Bears @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Bears by 6
Evil Peyton Manning:
If I was Jay Cutler, I’d probably have a chip on my shoulder-pads, too. The Bears quarterback manages one of his best games against Dallas’ alleged defense by throwing more touchdowns than interceptions and fumbles combined. Instead of a story about achieving his potential, Cutler is swarmed by questions about how he wasn’t very nice to offensive coordinator Mike Tice. Who knows, maybe Tice was sweaty from the excitement that his offensive line was keeping Cutler from looking like the victim of an MMA ground-and-pound. Meanwhile, Jacksonville still has a football team, and is even getting a second football team to test the loyalty of their fans as the Lingerie Football League’s Jacksonville Breeze attempts to take the place of blacked-out Jaguars games on locally televised games.
Rob Wheatley: Bears-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bears-WIN
Steve Elle: Bears-WIN
Tennessee Titans @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Vikings by 6
The Vikings were great innovators and inventors. Records I just made up clearly show that they had some sort of multi-functioning tablet device, known as the Vi-Pad, and no self respecting pillager about town would be seen without one. The Vi-Pad was made from a smooth, flat piece of heavy stone and was known to have a whole range of uses, or ‘applications’. These ‘apps’ as I’ll call them, just to save time, included one which helped in crossing a river, where the Vi-Pad was launched into the head of a passing boatsman, leaving the boat free to be taken and used at will. It could also be used to buy goods and find the best deals. The pad would be taken to market and used to beat the stall owner into selling at a very reasonable price, often even for free. The games apps were also very popular. The Vikings would drink vast amounts of alcohol and then sit around and randomly assault passers by with the Vi-Pad. How they laughed.
Darby Shaw: Titans-LOSS
Steve Elle: Vikings-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-LOSS
Denver Broncos @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 7
Two of the best QB’s to ever play the game square off on Sunday. But when you finish watching Ryan Tannehill and Andy Daulton battle it out, turn your attention to this game, which might also be fun to watch. War horses Peyton Manning and Tom Brady will probably catch up on the comings and goings of the wife and kids before the game. During the game they’ll hope their receivers can simply catch. Manning seems to be mostly back from his neck injury. Brady seems to back from an early season malaise. Coach Belichick will hope that Rob Gronkowski is back from his porn girlfriend’s house.
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-WIN
Darby Shaw: Broncos-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-WIN
Buffalo Bills @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: 49ers by 10
So let’s see here. The Bills were up by over 20 points on the Pats last week. Then they ended up losing BY 30 POINTS! How does this happen? I’m not sure, but I can tell you it won’t happen again this week. Indeed, there is mathematically no way that the Bills can get up 20 points on the Niners. Most East Coast teams don’t travel well to the west coast to play games. This fact alone does not bode well.
Rob Wheatley: 49ers-WIN
Darby Shaw: 49ers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-WIN
San Diego Chargers @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 4
Okay, seriously. At some point, the Saints have to win a game, right? I always dismissed the importance of a head coach on a football team, considering them to be as helpful as a cheerleader without boobs. But the way the Saints have been lurping it up despite having a talented roster and the supremely-balding-yet-fertile Drew Brees at the helm, I’m beginning to think that a good coach might be worth the paycheck. Then again, the Chargers are 2-2 with Norv Turner at the helm, so it can’t be all THAT important. (Errr… Norv Turner is still the coach in San Diego, right? He hasn’t been replaced by a wax figure from Madame Tussaud’s, right?)
Rob Wheatley: Saints-WIN
Steve Elle: Chargers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Chargers-LOSS
Monday, October 8th, 2012
Houston Texans @ New York Jets
LINE: Texans by 9
Evil Peyton Manning:
As a firm non-supporter of Tim Tebow even being considered as a replacement for Mark Sanchez at the beginning of the season, I can seriously say that the change may be on the horizon. Make no mistake, I don’t put it all on Sanchez, but who can we expect him to throw to when all he has left to catch the ball is the practice squad and a few drill coaches? What are Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson up to these days?
Rob Wheatley: Texans-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Texans-LOSS
Steve Elle: Texans-LOSS
Steve Elle: 42-35
Rob Wheatley: 42-35
Darby Shaw: 34-43
Evil Peyton Manning: 32-45