Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That’s right, ESPN, we said it.
Our winner last year was the man across the pond, Rob Wheatley. Let’s see if he can retain his crown!
Wednesday, September 5th, 2012
Dallas Cowboys @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 4
Evil Peyton Manning:
Cowboys owner Jerry Jones began the yearly trash-talk this week by inviting training camp fans to Cowboys Stadium to watch the Cowboys “beat the Giants’ ass” on his giant-ass video screen, again. Coach Tom Coughlin’s job is safe again, until the Giants misstep, again. Tony Romo’s golf game seems to have improved more than his clutch awareness at quarterback during the off-season, again. And Eli Manning still isn’t sure where he actually is, again. That’s right, sports fans, the 2012/2013 NFL season is under way tonight, again!
Rob Wheatley: GIANTS-LOSS
Darby Shaw: GIANTS-LOSS
Steve Elle: GIANTS-LOSS
Sunday, September 9th, 2012
Indianapolis Colts @ Chicago Bears
LINE: Bears by 9.5
While I was doing a modicum of research for this game (which largely involved looking at the analysis on NFL.com in-between sessions of amateur midget porn), I saw one article that characterized the Colts roster as “under-talented.” That’s like saying Paul Ryan is “factually inaccurate” or I am “sobriety challenged.” The Colts most talented player is a rookie, and their second-most talented player is the guy who keeps the K-balls ready for the kickers. The only thing that keeps the Colts in this game is the fact that perennial crybaby, “My blood sugar is low” Jay Cutler will keep the Bears offense at a high level of mediocrity. The city of Indianapolis had better get ready to go back to their long-standing reputation as as the Midwest’s armpit of professional sports.
Rob Wheatley: BEARS-WIN
Steve Elle: BEARS-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: BEARS-WIN
Philadelphia Eagles @ Cleveland Browns
LINE: Eagles by 9
Only the Cleveland Browns would spend a pair of first-round draft picks on a running back whose busted-ass knees need surgery before the season even starts, and a 47-year-old rookie quarterback–and start them both without any real competition at camp. Err, not that “competition” was anything to be found at Browns’ camp. Earlier this month, I heard someone say that the greatest insult an NFL wide receiver could bear is to be cut by the Browns, but I think that does a disservice to the insult of being named a starting wide receiver for the Browns. On the other hand, this is the first time since his return to the NFL that Michael Vick plays against a team nicknamed “The Dawgs,” so expect the home-made signs in the stands to be the most entertaining part of the game.
Rob Wheatley: BROWNS-WIN
Steve Elle: EAGLES-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: EAGLES-LOSS
St. Louis Rams @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Lions by 7.5
Yayyy, it’s week one of the 2012 season, and so I’m easing you into my commentaries with a simple animal based analysis, which hopefully goes some way to covering my utter void of knowledge about this or any other sport that isn’t motor racing. Excellent, here we go then. The Rams must be hoping they have more than mutton on their side as they arrive on the field of play and face the ferocious Lions who will just be dying to shred some meat and make soup from the bones. No amount of bleating and hiding behind small wooden fences will be enough to protect the Rams from the savage onslaught, as the Lions tear, maul, and mince them into submission. This will be wholesale mutilation in all its 3-D gory glory. The Rams would be better off leaving their team medic at home for this game, and just bringing a huge jug of mint sauce along instead. Sounds like it’s going to be another traditionally boring season opener here, then.
Darby Shaw: LIONS-LOSS
Steve Elle: RAMS-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: LIONS-LOSS
New England Patriots @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Patriots by 6
The New England Patriots are opening the 2012 season in Nashville, which is fitting. Why? Because Tom Brady is obsessed with Elvis, that’s why. And though Graceland is not located in Nashville, it’s close enough. But we’re here to talk about football, not peanut butter and banana sandwiches. And to that end, the football end, I don’t see how the Titans can lose. Unless they play the Pats, which is why I’m picking New England. And Tom Brady. Though Tennessee has a chance, suspicious minds strongly disagree.
Rob Wheatley: PATRIOTS-WIN
Darby Shaw: TITANS-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: PATRIOTS-WIN
Atlanta Falcons @ Kansas City Chiefs
LINE: Falcons by 3
A couple years ago, Tony Gonzalez left the Chiefs to join a team with a shot at winning a Super Bowl. Instead, he wound up with the Falcons, a team that somehow has been loaded with offensive talent but runs screaming from the playoffs. The perennial Pro Bowl tight end will revisit the stadium that gave him fame, fortune, barbeque, and more poontang than he can shake a stick at. [Editor’s note: Mr. Gonzalez is a happily married man and there is no evidence that he has ever engaged in inappropriate conduct with the women of Kansas City. He apologize to Mr. Gonzalez, his family, and his lawyers.] Expect the Chiefs to welcome him with open arms to their end zones.
Rob Wheatley: FALCONS-WIN
Steve Elle: CHIEFS-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: FALCONS-WIN
Jacksonville Jaguars @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Vikings by 4
Hurrahh, it’s the Vikings! Traditionally, the Vikings had no time for football. They were far too busy quaffing down vast amounts of strong alcohol from an animal horn, and popping a stomach-full of magic mushrooms before charging into battle, hallucinating violently, swinging their axes and removing heads as they went.
They’d generally finish off such an evening with a spot of light pillage, followed by some bear wrestling and then having sex with their horses. Vikings ROCK !!! The Minnesota Vikings, however, are not like this. This lot wear shiny girls-leggings and plastic shoulder-pads, throw a small ball at each other for money, and the closest they’ve come to any sort of bear is from watching old Yogi and Boo Boo cartoons. They still probably have sex with horses though, only now, the horse tends to go on top. Bloody useless bunch of wimps, they don’t deserve to win.
Darby Shaw: VIKINGS-LOSS
Steve Elle: VIKINGS-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: VIKINGS-LOSS
Washington Redskins @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 7.5
While the whole Bounty-gate thing still resonates within the league – this will be the first real game played without Sean Payton at the helm not due to injury – the other story during this game will be the regular season debut of RGIII. He has looked good in the pre-season but then so did the Lions 4 years ago when they were 4-0 in the preseason and then 0-16 during the regular season. The Saints will get their points so it will likely come down to how RGIII throws, and runs, and possibly catches.
Rob Wheatley: REDSKINS-WIN
Darby Shaw: REDSKINS-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: REDSKINS-WIN
Buffalo Bills @ New York Jets
LINE: Jets by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
I’m not even going to say it. You know what I’m talking about. I refuse to. There are more important things about a football team than the circus surrounding that one thing that graces the back pages of the sports section every other day while sports analysts at ESPN talk about it like it’s the only thing going on in football. That’s right, you aren’t going to hear a peep about it from me all season. I will never mention Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard.
Rob Wheatley: JETS-WIN
Darby Shaw: BILLS-LOSS
Steve Elle: BILLS-LOSS
Miami Dolphins @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 12
As an admitted Dolphin fan, I am committed to admitting that nothing goes right for this team any longer. Whether it was Dan Marino’s retirement or karma stemming from choosing Daunte Culpepper over Drew Brees, the Dolphins seem to make all the wrong moves. Appearances don’t count for much, which is good since they hired the least football coach-looking football coach of all time (except for perhaps pixie Lou Holtz). Controller (as in accountant) Joe Philbin has his work cut out for him. For the Texans, the arrow is pointed up. They should toy with the Dolphins, who are breaking in a new rookie QB, too. The Dolphins will have a hard time winning a game this year.
Rob Wheatley: TEXANS-WIN
Darby Shaw: DOLPHINS-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: TEXANS-WIN
San Francisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers
LINE: Packers by 5.5
“If you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear a flower in your hair.” The bloke who wrote that song died recently, which just goes to show, you should never put anything in your hair unless you know where it’s been. As it happens, the UK Governmental Environment Agency, here in the UK, has a new campaign to encourage bald men to start up their own ‘rooftop gardens’, planting small patches of flowers on their cranial desert region to encourage Bees. Comb-over hairstyles are being replaced with miniature picket fences (which, let’s face it, can’t look more ridiculous than a comb-over), and even beard-owners are being encouraged to have smaller beards and to periodically move them around the face to allow re-growth and the formation of wild heathlands. The thought from the Government is that, while half the population are busy doing this, they wont notice the country’s economy crumbling away around them. Yayyy Politics !
Darby Shaw: 49ers-WIN
Steve Elle: PACKERS-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: PACKERS-LOSS
Seattle Seahawks @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Seahawks by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Well, here we go again. While other teams are playing ratings-booster rivalry wars, interesting match-ups, and potential playoff games, the Seahawks and Cardinals once again are matched up by the process of elimination. The NFL looks to get its first blackout game out of the way, since it is too far and hot for Seattle fans to travel to Sun Devil Stadium, and Arizona fans are still griping that their stadium doesn’t include air-conditioning for early season games.
Rob Wheatley: SEAHAWKS-LOSS
Darby Shaw: SEAHAWKS-LOSS
Steve Elle: CARDINALS-WIN
Carolina Panthers @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Panthers by 3
The Bucs will have a hard time losing a game this year. Seriously. With the new visage of Vince Lombardi on the sideline in the personage of Greg Schiano, the most football coach-looking football coach in the NFL, the Bucs have shored up every conceivable weakness on their team this off-season except for their defense, but I digress. Kidding aside, the Bucs have improved in every area from last year. At this point the only thing that stands between them and a 16-0 record are the Carolina Panthers and 15 other teams. Get ready to be amazed.
Rob Wheatley: PANTHERS-LOSS
Darby Shaw: PANTHERS-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: PANTHERS-LOSS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos by 1.5
For the record, I did NOT offer the Inept Editor any monetary or sexual favors in order to get to write the commentary for this game. So, here you go: in this game, Ben Roethlisberger will have sex with Peyton Manning’s neck while James Harrison nails Tim Tebow, who has returned like the prodigal son to bless Peyton’s first start, to a goalpost. Mike Wallace will interview Mike Wallace about his holdout and/or death. Chris Collinsworth will have multiple orgasms while fawning over both quarterbacks, no matter how badly they play, while Michelle Tafoya will curse the fact that she’s relegated to standing next to sweaty players on the sidelines while two morons hang out in the booth. And that’s just the first quarter.The game will be decided by a field goal, because as John Madden would tell you, the two best places to kick a ball are in Denver and on the moon.
Rob Wheatley: BRONCOS-WIN
Steve Elle: BRONCOS-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: STEELERS-LOSS
Monday, September 10th, 2012
Cincinnati Bengals @ Baltimore Ravens
LINE: Ravens by 6
The Wookipedia page for the Bengals lists the Baltimore Ravens as their chief rivals. If you go to the Raven’s page, however, the Cincinnati team don’t even get a mention, which proves what low regard the Ravens must have for them. I don’t know about you, but if I were the Bengals, I’d be bloody insulted by this. It’s like holding your hand up for a high five while the other person just stares at it and walks away, leaving you there with your now embarrassed hand flapping alone in the breeze as it slowly tries to withdraw from sight by slipping down gradually into your sleeve, a millimeter at a time. You now wish you were wearing a hat, so you could at least pretend to be adjusting the top of it, just in case anyone should see your now disgraced extremity as it shuffles into a dark corner of its soul, like a schoolboy who’s just done a wee under his desk.
Darby Shaw: BENGALS-LOSS
Steve Elle: RAVENS-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: RAVENS-WIN
San Diego Chargers @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Raiders by 1
Evil Peyton Manning:
The AFC West is this year’s ticking time-bomb. We have Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers, Raiders quarterback Carson Palmer, Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, and Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel trying to prove that they can lead a team to the Super Bowl. We have Chargers coach Norv Turner and Broncos coach John Fox trying to prove that they can manage a team to the Super Bowl. That’s all well and good, but the real story is that Raiders owner Mark Davis still has a worse haircut than Jeff Daniels’ Harry from Dumb and Dumber, and hired Dennis Allen to be his head coach to make Davis look older.
Rob Wheatley: RAIDERS-LOSS
Steve Elle: CHARGERS-WIN
Darby Shaw: CHARGERS-WIN
Rob Wheatley: 10-6
Steve Elle: 9-7
Evil Peyton Manning: 9-7
Darby Shaw: 3-13