Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games.
It’s wild card weekend, and while nothing seems as wild as last year’s Seahawks getting into the playoffs with a 7-9 record, it sure came close with Tebow and the Broncos going 8-8 while the NFC West got a bye. You can’t make this stuff up!
Saturday, January 7th, 2012
VS
Cincinnati Bengals @ Houston Texans
LINE: Texans by 3
Steve Elle:
This is a playoff game? I mean, now this is a playoff game! Rookie quarterbacks and weak finishes should make this the least climactic game of the weekend. Andy Dalton, the Gossamer inspired, red haired wonder will take on T.J. Yates in the playoff game with, regarding the starting quarterbacks at least, the least name recognition of all time. Andy Dalton vs. T.J. Yates sound like the contestants in a bull riding contest. I’ll let my co-analysts flesh this match-up out a bit more. I’m just not interested. Pick: Bengals-LOSS
Rob Wheatley:
Now some of the more astute readers of these commentaries may just have picked up on the fact that I’m from England..Yeah, hard to believe, I know, what with my extensive knowledge of your funny little football game and all. I live in what has been described as “a quaint old drinking town with a slight fishing problem” and the lower part of the village that I live in has its fair share of 15th and 16th century buildings, (my bedroom here at Disgracelands is the old flour store from a 15th century bakery),so slightly incongruous was the choice of name “The country cottage tandoori” for our local curry house. It’s since been changed to “Bengal Spice”, which is much more ‘Essex’, and now fits in perfectly. Unfortunate it is then, that despite turning out a mean Chicken Tikka Masala, they can’t play your game for shyte, so I’ve gotta go with the local knowledge and… Pick: Texans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning:
Sports analysts have squawking about how much Peyton Manning means to the Indianapolis Colts: he calls the plays; he executes almost flawlessly; he keeps the defense fresh enough to maybe stop a drive or two. However, there are many more repercussions to the football universe without a Peyton Manning. This game is a prime example. In a Peyton Manning Universe, The Colts would take the AFC South, or at least take the wild card while the Houston Texans took the lead; the Cincinnati Bengals would not have made the playoffs; Carson Palmer would not have been traded to the Oakland Raiders to create another hurdle for the Bengals to get into wild card contention, dropping the Raiders to the bottom of the pile with a chance to draft Andrew Luck and become a legitimate contender; Peyton Manning would never have a chance to be traded to the New York Jets as a Colts draft of Andrew Luck seems all but obvious; and, of course, this game would have never happened. Pick: Colts…I mean, Texans-WIN
Darby Shaw:
One team is riding a three-game losing streak and playing their third-string quarterback. The other one backed into the playoffs despite losing a must-win game to a conference rival, a game in which the team had to literally give away tickets to not have a television blackout. If you’re looking for the most unimpressive game of the first round of the playoffs, say hello to the Texans-Bengals match-up. This will be an old-school NFL match-up: both teams will use the power running game and pray that their young quarterbacks don’t f*ck up the game for them. Also, don’t be surprised if Peyton Manning walks out onto the field in the 4th quarter with a handgun and just starts shooting. Pick: Texans-WIN
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VS
Detroit Lions @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 11
Rob Wheatley:
Detroit versus New Orleans, two of the defining aspects of America in one package. The motor car against the birth of the Blues and everything that came from it. Now as much as I’d L-O-V-E to own an old 50’s Chevy, or a Dodge Viper, or a classic Ford Mustang, I haven’t driven a car now for almost ten years. The Blues however, I can’t live without for a single day: John Lee Hooker and his primal, earthy ‘moanin and stompin’, or BB King’s sweet as birdsong guitar playing , or Sonny Terry & Brownie McGhee’s downright folksy style blues, it all originates from around the Mississippi Delta and from there via New Orleans, Chicago, and beyond. Think yourself lucky, America, you have all that and what do us Brits end up with ? Simon Effin Cowell and his sterilization of the music industry into a tasteless, featureless, one dimensional bag of crap ! What the hell were you thinking when you invited him to destroy your music industry ? Revoke his visa while you still have a soul. Whoever wins this game, YOU win. God bless America ! Pick: Saints-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning:
Matthew Stafford has about the worst luck a football player can have. First he is drafted to the Detroit Lions as their messianic savior of the team and, in turn, the city of Detroit. Then he gets hurt. Then he gets hurt again. Finally he stays healthy, throws to “Megatron” Calvin Johnson for a million yards and a thousand touchdowns only to find himself in the same division as Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers, where he couldn’t pull out a win while “Matt Flynn Who?” was under center. Now Stafford has made it to his first playoff game, and where does he have to play it? In New Orleans, where the Saints beat their opponents by, on average, 50 points. Welcome to the Detroit Lions, Mr. Stafford. You and Barry Sanders should have tea sometime. Pick: Lions-LOSS
Darby Shaw:
How bad does it suck to be Matthew Stafford? Imagine that, in just your third year in the NFL, you threw for 5,000 yards and 41 touchdowns… and when you did, you were only the third-best quarterback? In your CONFERENCE? Any other year, those are league-leading, MVP, sh*t-your-pants type numbers. In 2011, he’s just a footnote. Plus, this week, he gets to face “I’m better than you” quarterback Drew Brees and the Saints; then, on the off chance he wins that game, he has to face “I’m also your daddy” quarterback Aaron Rodgers and the Packers next week. I’m not sure which football god’s Wheaties Stafford pissed in, but he should try to avoid that next season. Pick: Lions-LOSS
Steve Elle:
Now this, this is a playoff game! Stud quarterbacks, stud wide receivers, stud tight ends, solid defenses, ah – it’s like watching the Jets! Hahaha – now THAT was a joke. Though the Saints are strong at home, the Lions play well in a dome too. This should be a competitive game that should come down to the last few possessions. This game will pit the two most prolific passers (based on yards) in NFL history. It will also pit two of the most annoying coaches in NFL history. Sean Payton (doucheus bagus) and Jim Schwartz (biggus assholeus). Pick: Lions-LOSS
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Sunday, January 8th, 2012
VS
Atlanta Falcons @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
It’s amazing how a few key wins and a playoff berth change what analysts are saying about the New York Giants and their players. All of a sudden Eli Manning is passing Johnny Unitas for the record of most touchdowns in the 4th quarter. Victor Cruz has magical hands that sucks up balls on a whim. The offense is carrying the Giants’ defense. It’s all coming up Milhouse for the fine New York Football Giants, while the Atlanta Falcons barely make a blip on the radar. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be watching the Giants blooper reels where Eli Manning hits Cruz in the head, chest, and face with a football for an incompletion, his latest left-handed throw, and his red-zone TD passes for the defenses he’s faced. Pick: Giants-WIN
Darby Shaw:
I won’t lie: I’ve always hated Eli Manning’s big, dumb face. He looks better suited to driving a tractor down the field than a professional football team, but he’s doing it this year. He’s got quality receivers who don’t need to put Stick-em on their helmets. He’s got Brandon Jacobs running like there’s a 3-lb cheeseburger waiting for him in the end-zone. And he’s got a defensive line chock full of players who can carry their weight next to Jared in Subway commercials. Matt Ryan, on the other hand, is nicknamed after shitty beer. Pick: Giants-WIN
Steve Elle:
This is one of those playoff games that could go many different ways, none of which would really be a surprise. Both teams appear to be peaking at the right time. Coughlin and the Giants have been through this before. The Falcons have come close. Matty Ice Cream may melt under the pressure at the Meadowlands though. Fingers crossed. Pick: Giants-WIN
Rob Wheatley:
Well, I want the Giants to win this one, simply for the fact that the latest thang going around on bookface this week, was to link to the No.1 Single the week you were born. Mine was Georgie Fame & The Blue Flames with the song “Yeh Yeh” .., which was a bloody classic. Then a mate sent me a link to a cover version by ‘They Might Be Giants’, which is a brilliant take on the song, but also pretty annoying as I’d just decided to record a version of the song myself, but they’d covered the cover I wanted to cover and in the way I wanted to cover it. But better. Back to the game…they throw, they catch, they run, they…. yeh yeh, I seen it all before. Someone wins and someone goes home to Loserville. Go Giants Now THAT’S what I say, I say ‘Yeh Yeh’ – meanwhile, here’s some music ..and yeah, I WAS born in black & white.. http://youtu.be/yuoXzn6O8ZY Pick: Giants-WIN
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VS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Steelers by 9
Darby Shaw:
I would try to put a reverse jinx on the Broncos by admitting Tim Jeebow’s talent and saying the Broncos are a force to be reckoned with. However, I already used my one reverse jinx on the Giants game above, so I guess I have to play this one straight. I’ll just say it like this: if I wanted to win a Super Bowl, and I had to choose between a one-legged, recently-arrested-for-drunk-driving-while-fondling-a-stripper Ben Roethlisberger and a healthy, right-out-of-church-to-the-field Tim Tebow, well… cash out the savings account for bail money and call Johnny Cochran. Wait, what? He’s dead? Okay, fine. Call Robert Kardashian and… huh? Him too? What about Gloria Allred? She’s representing the stripper? FINE. You know where I was going with this. Pick: Steelers-LOSS
Steve Elle:
Tim Tebow might have prayed that James Harrison was suspended for this game, but given how his prayers have been answered lately it’s no surprise that Harrison will be out for blood on Sunday. Pop quiz: which QB is better, a hobbled, gimpy Ben Roethlisberger or a healthy T.T.? we’ll see on Sunday. John Fox and John Elway will likely be using this game as a gauge for what they should do with the QB position next year. If the Broncos can’t move the ball on the ground it will be a long game. Pick: Steelers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley:
Now we’re friends, I think that I should tell you, I really don’t know the first thing about this game you call ‘Football’..Hell, I hardly understand the English version, and at least we use our feet on the ball, which you guys don’t seem to do. Your game is all about throwing and stopping and having a chat and looking at a picture of circles and arrows, and throwing it some more and chest bumping each other, and then running a bit more and ..ooh look, someone actually kicked the ‘ball’.(You call that a ball ? What planet were you born on? I tell you, if mine were that shape, I’d be seeing a doctor right about now.) Now the game has stopped again while the pitch is swarmed by old men in baseball caps and two-way radios. At least it sort of resembles a sport.We have Cricket here. I mean how is Cricket even a sport, when one man’s job seems to be just to hold the other guys’ sweaters ? And then the game of Cricket stops so they can all eat sandwiches and cake and drink tea ? That’s not a sport, that’s a visit to an elderly Aunt in a home ! Get with it ! Pick: (random name generator, do your thing…) Steelers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning:
This past week, I couldn’t get away from Tim Tebow references, more so than usual. At one point ESPN’s SportCenter ticker had 6 of 8 headlines with references to Tebow or the Broncos. The other two were about the Miami Heat and Joe Torre, both of which had Tebow references made by the sportscasters. You know what would be awesome? If Tebow wins the Super Bowl, and when he takes of his jersey he’s wearing a black and red t-shirt with a pentagram on it, and he grabs his nuts and screams, “Suck It” during the post game celebration. Or, Ben Roethlisberger can go ahead and win, giving us the same result. Pick: Broncos-WIN
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RECORDS
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ANALYSTS
Rob Wheatley: 131-116
Darby Shaw: 125-122
Steve Elle: 118-129
Evil Peyton Manning: 117-130
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CONTEST
T.O. : 135-112
Obi-Wallace: 131-116
AmyC: 127-120
Beta Boy: 124-123
JMcG: 121-126
Corrupted Clown: 120-127
RickyB: 117-130
Giants Chick: 112-135
Mike Marbles Francesa: 112-135
Angelicus Rex: 106-141
La Princessa: 13-234
JohnnyO: 9-238