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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. This year, readers can get in on the action for a change to win prizes, trophies, and the chance to show up so-called sports analysts once and for all! Just email [email protected] with “Powder Puff Picks” in the header and your picks for the week.
Last year’s Powder Puff King was Steve Elle. Let’s see if he can defend his crown!
Sunday, October 23rd, 2011
VS
Seattle Seahawks @ Cleveland Browns
LINE: Browns by 3
Rob Wheatley:
Hoorayyy, it’s me old mates the Seahawks. Oh how I’ve missed them, the fun I’ve had writing about this team. What with the squawking and swooping and wings and feathers and beaks and eggs and stuff, they’re just one of the most ‘Birdy’ of all teams in the NFL. Sure, you have the Falcons and the Ravens, but they don’t have the majesty or the sheer watery mystery of the Seahawks. Just the name alone conjours up images of rolling waves, stormy dark waters and lots and lots of fish. There’s not many other NFL teams that can do that. The Browns are just named after some 3rd rate Family Guy spinoff, thats bound to be all but forgotten after a season or two. It’s pathetic, and frankly it’s no way to name a football team ! Pick: Seahawks-WIN
Steve Elle: Seahawks-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Browns-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Browns-LOSS
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VS
Atlanta Falcons @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Lions by 4
Steve Elle:
I can’t win or lose with this game. The Falcons are a division opponent starring the no longer appropriately named ‘Matty Ice’, better known lately as Matty Ice Cream. The Lions are my new favorite team to hate. Between their annoying crybaby of a coach (“waaah, I didn’t like that handshake!”), the transformer named WR and the overrated lineman enjoying a sophomore slump, what’s not to hate? Nothing, that’s what. Let’s see if Coach Crybaby continues to count the false start penalties on the sidelines this week. Karma finally bit him in the arse. Pick: Lions-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Lions-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Falcons-WIN
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VS
Houston Texans @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Titans by 3
Rob Wheatley:
Seen tense tits an not a sex’n’shout. No, it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but the online anagram maker is playing up and so I had to do it the old fashioned way, with a pen and paper. Yeah, remember them ? Remember the way we used to physically drag a pointy inky stick across a sheet of flattened wood pulp to make shapes or ‘letters’ as we called them ? Remember how we used to employ our brains to solve problems rather than just hit the ‘return’ key and wait for the Internet to solve it. Yeah, and it bloody well stinks ! Suddenly I remember why we invented computers and internets and anagram solvers..It’s so I woudn’t have to come up with a whole paragraph just explaining why I wrote the phrase “Seen tense tits an not a sex’n’shout.” – It’s football again, and somebody’s gotta win. Pick: Texans-WIN
Steve Elle: Texans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Texans-WIN
Darby Shaw: Texans-WIN
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VS
Denver Broncos @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Dolphins by 2
Evil Peyton Manning:
The Tim Tebow era has begun, and what better way to make Broncos coach John Fox look like a genius than by starting Tebow at quarterback against the Miami Dolphins. Of course, if he started him as a wide receiver, a tight end, or as a kick returner and they won, that would really make him look like a genius. He might as well. Blind-Mouse Dolphin’s coach Tony Sparano probably couldn’t tell the difference anyway. Pick: Broncos-WIN
Steve Elle: Dolphins-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Dolphins-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Dolphins-LOSS
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VS
San Diego Chargers @ New York Jets
LINE: Chargers by 3
Darby Shaw:
I don’t know why the editor keeps sticking me with the Jets games. I used up all my Dirty Sanchez jokes last season, I’ve already called Rex Ryan fat, and nobody on the team has said anything (especially) stupid yet. What am I supposed to do here, talk about the GAME or something? At any rate, I think the greatest disappointment of the Jets’ season thus far is the unwillingness of the media to reference guns or bullets in reference to Jets WR Plaxico Burress? No “he’s off like a shot?” No “he rifled through the defense?” No “he really shot himself in the foot there?” COME ON! Pick: Chargers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Chargers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Chargers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Jets-WIN
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VS
Chicago Bears @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers
LINE: Bears by 1
Rob Wheatley:
In my role as one of the least knowledgeable Natural History advisors currently working in or around the NFL, I can be fairly confident that bears do not, in fact, come from Chicago. It’s just a myth caused by excessive wind and an over consumption of alcohol. Yes folks, the windy city, the home of prohibition and the origin of the 1930’s to name but three, is a strange place to find a bear, but they seem to like it there, and lets face it, who the hell is gonna argue with a Grizzly ? Sure, you see one in the wild, and thats one thing, but wearing a helmet and throwing a football at you is an entirely different matter. I’m scared and I don’t even live there. Nature can be a cruel cruel mistress, but not half as cruel as waking up next to a sex starved bear. I should know, I haven’t sat down in a month ! Pick: Bears-WIN
Steve Elle: Bucs-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Bears-WIN
Darby Shaw: Bears-WIN
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VS
Washington Redskins @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Panthers by 3
Steve Elle:
Rex Grossman has been demoted. His career has eerily paralleled the career of another QB (and former teammate) that teammates love and fans hate: Kyle Orton. Both have done a lot more winning than losing, but find themselves ultimately holding a clipboard. In Denver, Orton somehow gives way to the 3rd string messiah, Tim Tebow. In Washington, Grossman hands in his yarmulke and is replaced by choirboy John Beck. The Panthers do not have a QB dilemma. Instead, they have the surprising and physical Cam Newton. Can the Mormon Tabernacle Choir outmaneuver Newtonian physics? Tune in and find out. Pick: Redskins-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Redskins-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Redskins-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Panthers-WIN
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VS
Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders
LINE: Raiders by 4
Evil Peyton Manning:
Other, less affluent, professional analysts have been critical of Oakland giving up too much to get Carson Palmer under center, that the late Al Davis would never have made such a trade with Cincinnati. That’s bullshit. Al Davis just got old and lost his edge. This could be another Rich Gannon era all over again. Now all we need is Terrell Owens and a basket of popcorn and the Raiders will be official contenders to the early 2000 Raiders, minus Jon Gruden. Then again, there may still be hope. Pick: Raiders-LOSS
Steve Elle: Raiders-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Chiefs-WIN
Darby Shaw: Chiefs-WIN
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VS
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Arizona Cardinals
LINE: Steelers by 4
Darby Shaw:
The Steelers lack identity this year. Their defense does not strike fear into opponents’ hearts. The offense does not smack you in the mouth. And nobody has garnered a hefty fine or spent any time talking to the police. Who the hell ARE these guys? Fortunately for them, “who the hell are these guys” also perfectly describes the Cardinals. I mean, no, seriously… these are professional players, right? Pick: Steelers-WIN
Steve Elle: Cardinals-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Steelers-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Steelers-WIN
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VS
St. Louis Rams @ Dallas Cowboys
LINE: Cowboys by 13
Darby Shaw:
This year, the Rams with their marquee QB Sam Bradford were terrible. Without him, there’s no gambling line that’s too high to not bet against. I’d spot them a hundred points AND throw in a parlay with Michelle Bachmann becoming president of Libya. Pick: Cowboys-WIN
Steve Elle: Cowboys-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Rams-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-WIN
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VS
Green Bay Packers @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Packers by 10
Evil Peyton Manning:
Major rivalry match-ups always bring out the best in fans. The crowd noise goes up just a little bit more, on-field feuds get a little more heated, and exciting games are born. Unfortunately, 75% of of Mall of America Field will be made up of Packers fans on their way home from shopping, Brandon Marshall is in Miami, and Christian Ponder is making us all wonder why Donovan McNabb is on the bench. Welcome to rebuilding year #1. Pick: Packers-LOSS
Steve Elle: Packers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Packers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Packers-LOSS
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VS
Indianapolis Colts @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 14
Steve Elle:
This is a game in which the (phonetic) name Peyton is equivalent to pain. Peyton Manning? Injured and on the sidelines/booth helping out. Sean Payton? Injured and on the sidelines/booth helping out. Ok, so perhaps he’s doing more than just helping out but you catch my drift. Coming off a big loss to the ascending Bucs, the Saints may win by 20 just due to frustration. The Colts are in the Luck sweepstakes with the Dolphins. Pick: Saints-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Colts-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Saints-WIN
Darby Shaw: Colts-LOSS
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Monday, October 24th, 2011
VS
Baltimore Ravens @ Jacksonville Jaguars
LINE: Ravens by 9
Evil Peyton Manning:
I don’t always pick well in these weekly analyses. sometimes I hope to at least come out 50-50 in my picks in order to maintain some sort of relevance. It could be worse. I could have ESPN’s record of dragging Monday Night Football games straight into the mud in order to allow Ashton Kutcher to believe he really is the best thing for prime-time television. And I get to go to bed early on a weeknight. Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Steve Elle: Ravens-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Ravens-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Ravens-LOSS
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RECORDS
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ANALYSTS
Steve Elle: 47-43
Rob Wheatley: 47-43
Darby Shaw: 45-45
Evil Peyton Manning: 44-46
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CONTEST
Obi-Wallace: 53-37
AmyC: 51-39
T.O.: 50-40
Beta Boy: 44-46
RickyB: 43-47
JMcG: 43-47
Corrupted Clown: 40-50
Giants Chick: 40-50
Mike Marbles Francesa: 40-50
Angelicus Rex: 30-60
La Princessa: 13-77
JohnnyO: 9-81