NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 3

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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. This year, readers can get in on the action for a change to win prizes, trophies, and the chance to show up so-called sports analysts once and for all! Just email ineptowl@gmail.com with “Powder Puff Picks” in the header and your picks for the week.

The readers are giving our analysts a run for their money, proving that we should probably give away this job as well as some fan gear. Let’s see how they hold up!

Sunday, September 25th, 2011

VS

New England Patriots @ Buffalo Bills

LINE: Patriots by 9

 

Steve Elle:

It would be fashionable to pick the Bills, wouldn’t it? Well, this is football, not fashion, so I think I’ll go with conventional wisdom here, which says that it will be ugly in Buffalo, which seems pretty safe to say. But it won’t be ugly for long, because Thomas Mapplethorpe Brady will be in the hiz-ouse and he’ll be bringing his soup ladle sized cleft chin along with him. Kidding aside, the Bills suddenly potent offense could prove problematic for the Pats defense. Unfortunately for Buffalo, I don’t think the Bills defense will be problematic for Brady and Co.

Pick: Patriots-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Bills-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Patriots-LOSS

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VS

San Francisco 49ers @ Cincinnati Bengals

LINE: Bengals by 3

 

Steve Elle:

New coach Jim Harbaugh has his team playing hard for him. They won in week one and should have won in week two. Facing the Bengals they should win again in week three. Alex Smith is drinking the kool aid. Andy Dalton is playing well for the Bengals, but it has already been proven that red haired QB’s cannot succeed in today’s NFL. Nor can QB’s with freckles. Dalton has both, which will certainly lead to his early death. In the meantime, as he awaits this fate, he will strive to save Marvin Lewis’s job. For the 10th time or so. Pick: 49ers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: 49ers-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: 49ers-WIN

Darby Shaw: 49ers-WIN

 

 

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VS

Miami Dolphins @ Cleveland Browns

LINE: Browns by 3

 

Rob Wheatley:

Does anybody remember ‘Flipper’, that tv show from the 1960’s about a boy and his crime-fighting Dolphin friend ? Luckily, there was plenty of marine-based crime going on in those days, and for some reason the kid never went to school, or had friends that were people. Just him and this big fish-lookin’ thing. It made beepy noises, sounded like an old fax machine , screeching and whistling, it would have driven me mental. Just the sort of noise that makes you want to kill things. In fact, just thinking about it is giving me a blinding headache…Arrrggghhhh my ears, my eeeeeeaaarrrrrrssss ! Die you Dolphin FU*KER !!! Pick: Browns-LOSS

Steve Elle: Dolphins-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Dolphins-WIN

Darby Shaw: Browns-LOSS

 

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VS

Denver Broncos @ Tennessee Titans

LINE: Titans by 7

 

Darby Shaw:

Last week, Tim Tebow was tabbed as an emergency wide receiver, due to lack of healthy bodies and his “excellent knowledge of the offense.” Well, he’s had plenty of time to learn on the bench, so that makes sense. Maybe all their starters should spend some time riding the pine. In the meantime, Titans QB Matt Hasselbeck is showing us why the world is run by old bald white guys. Expect the Titans to pull a “hey, we’re less inept than these guys!” type of win today. Pick: Titans-LOSS

Steve Elle: Titans-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Broncos-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Titans-LOSS

 

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VS

Detroit Lions @ Minnesota Vikings

LINE: Lions by 4

 

Steve Elle:

Wow, the Lions are all the rage now! They snuck by the Bucs in week one and they trounced the inept Chefs in week two. Now they face an almost average NFL team. I predict some problems. The Vikings have been embarrassed the past two weeks by hemorrhaging in the second half in consecutive weeks. Listen, the Lions have won 6 games in a row trending back to last year. They’re clearly improved, but they have not faced elite competitors yet. While they won’t this week either, the Vikings will test them more than they were tested last week. Bottom line, the Vikings need a W more than the Lions. When was the last time you could say that? Pick: Vikings-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Vikings-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Lions-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Lions-LOSS

 

 

 

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VS

Houston Texans @ New Orleans Saints

LINE: Saints by 4

 

Darby Shaw:

Dear Houston: Every year, I keep hearing about how THIS is your year. How you’re better, faster, stronger, more talented than last year’s team. How you’re finally ready to take the reins of the AFC South and make it your bitch. And every year, the Indianapolis Peyton Mannings put you in your place. Well, guess what: this might actually be your year. Not because you’re better, but because your only competition in the division is toast. Go ask the NFC West how to handle winning by default. Pick: Saints-WIN

Steve Elle: Saints-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Texans-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Texans-LOSS

 

 

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VS

New York Giants @ Philadelphia Eagles

LINE: EVEN

 

Rob Wheatley:

Well, if this game is as exciting as it should be, then it’s really going to be something. If, on the other hand, the game does not live up to expectations, then some folks will probably and justifiably feel a little let down. If, however, parts of the game are better than those which we predicted would be of a higher quality, and yet we feel let down by sections of play we had already invested some hope into, then I think we can all sleep easy. I know I can. Pick: Giants-WIN

Steve Elle: Giants-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Eagles-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Giants-WIN

 

 

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VS

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Carolina Panthers

LINE: Panthers by 4

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

Critics were slamming the Panthers at the beginning of the season for starting rookie quarterback Cam Newton with almost no pre-season time to get in sync with his offense. Granted , the Panthers are 0-2, but Cam is putting up mega-numbers in terms of yards. Luke McCown of the Jaguars was so bad last week that Jack Del Rio decided the Panthers may be onto something, and is starting rookie Blaine Gabbert in what is sure to be a game from the Brunell/Delhomme era. More like a blooper reel for a future match-up. Pick: Panthers-WIN

Steve Elle: Panthers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Jaguars-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Panthers-WIN

 

 

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VS

New York Jets @ Oakland Raiders

LINE: Jets by 4

 

Darby Shaw:

This season, the Jets are having trouble with their bread-and-butter: the run game. Last Sunday, I ran for more yards than Shonn Green did. Likewise, the Raiders are having trouble with their bread-and-butter: losing. They won their first game and nearly put the upstart Bills in their place last week. Expect a game full of low blows, biting, cursing, and widespread use of banned substances. And that’s just in the crowd. Pick: Jets-LOSS

Steve Elle: Raiders-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Jets-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Raiders-WIN

 

 

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VS

Baltimore Ravens @ St. Louis Rams

LINE: Ravens by 4

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

After being embarrassed by allowing has-been Hasselbeck to put up monster numbers against them, Ray Lewis and the rest of the Ravens secondary look to intercept anything in their vicinity. The idea that  this may include heads, arms, and legs as well as balls is not dismissed, but those body parts may be few and far between. They have to be, as half of the Rams roster are missing at least one of those body parts. Pick: Ravens-WIN

Steve Elle: Ravens-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Ravens-WIN

Darby Shaw: Ravens-WIN

 

 

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VS

Kansas City Chiefs @ San Diego Chargers

LINE: Chargers by 15

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

The football gods’ wrath is, indeed, overwhelming. Last year, the Chiefs started a surprise season going 3-0, and taking the division title. This year they’ve begun 0-2 with number 3 in the loss column looming very close. It’s not all their fault, as their team has a total of 3 ACL tears on players, the latest being Pro Bowl running back Jamaal Charles. While the Chiefs contemplate bringing back Larry Johnson, they may be hoping that ACL tear #4 happens to Matt Cassel, giving them a reason to draft Brett Favre. What, did you think he was gone from these commentaries just because he “retired again”? Pick: Chargers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Chargers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Chargers-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Chiefs-WIN

 

 

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VS

Green Bay Packers @ Chicago Bears

LINE: Packers by 4

 

Rob Wheatley:

The bear is the most ferocious animal on Earth. It can swallow six whales in a single gulp and its teeth are so sharp, that every time a bear closes its mouth, it totally destroys the inside of its own face.  The Packer is an… erm….well, it’s a sort of  errrr…Oh look , a Dolphin ! Pick: Packers-WIN

Steve Elle: Packers-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Packers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Packers-WIN

 

 

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VS

Arizona Cardinals @ Seattle Seahawks

LINE: Cardinals by 4

 

Evil Peyton Manning:

Why the Seahawks would get rid of Matt Hasselbeck is beyond me. That balding banana-head pisses karma and poops luck. How else did a team with a losing record become division title winners, beat the Super Bowl defending Saints in the playoffs, and lose to Jay Cutler and the Bears? OH yeah, they have the Kurt Warner-less Cardinals in their division. Pick: Cardinals-LOSS

Steve Elle: Cardinals-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Seahawks-WIN

Darby Shaw: Cardinals-LOSS

 

 

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VS

Atlanta Falcons @ Tampa Bay Buccaneers

LINE: Bucs by 1

 

Rob Wheatley:

Well, nobody can deny that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have by far the most gay-sounding name of any team in the NFL. This isn’t a view based on stereotypes or discrimination of any sort, it’s just  plain FACT. You can prove this for yourself very simply. You imagine a big, burly football player standing there and saying to you “Hi, I’m one of the ———” inserting the names of various NFL teams. When you get to the Bucs, it all just falls apart, especially if you then imagine the player wearing a big feathery Pirate hat and skipping off into the sunset while shouting “chase me”. Fair enough, that part MAY have been a stereotype, but to show there’s no discrimination here; go on, ya big gays. Pick: Buccaneers-WIN

Steve Elle: Bucs-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Falcons-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Falcons-LOSS

 

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VS

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Indianapolis Colts

LINE: Steelers by 11

 

Darby Shaw:

I bet when this game came up in the schedule, NBC was beside itself. Hell, Chris Collinsworth probably had a boner. Now, their only consolation is that at least they didn’t get stuck with the Monday night game. If the Steelers defense allows 300 yards of total offense, they should just throw in the Terrible Towel and forfeit. Pick: Steelers-LOSS

Steve Elle: Steelers-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Steelers-LOSS

Evil Peyton Manning: Steelers-LOSS

 

 

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Monday, September 26th, 2011

VS

Washington Redskins @ Dallas Cowboys

LINE: EVEN

 

Steve Elle:

Cowboys and Indians, why that’s as American as apple pie. I wonder if Dallas will try to steal Fed Ex field after the game. Ah, that’s a bad joke. In the wake of last week’s game, where Tony Romo heroically led his team to victory while injured (as heroically as one can while receiving half a million dollars for playing a child’s game), the Cowboys would seem to be on the up and up. But Romo actually does appear injured, not just because he’s a sissy, which he obviously is, but because he actually did get hurt. You would think this might give the advantage to the ‘Skins, but with Rex Grossman at the helm you never know what you’re getting. The options are usually bad, worse, abysmal, and when the stars are aligned, ok. Since there’s a 75% chance of bad, I have to go with the ‘Boys. Pick: Cowboys-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Cowboys-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-WIN

Darby Shaw: Redskins-LOSS

 

 

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RECORDS

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ANALYSTS

Rob Wheatley: 30-18

Steve Elle: 30-18

Evil Peyton Manning: 24-24

Darby Shaw: 20-28

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CONTEST

Obi-Wallace: 32-16

AmyC: 30-18

T.O.: 28-20

RickyB: 27-21

JMcG: 24-24

Beta Boy: 24-24

Corrupted Clown: 23-25

Giants Chick: 20-28

Mike Marbles Francesa: 20-28

Angelicus Rex: 15-33

La Princessa: 13-35

JohnnyO: 9-39

About Author

As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism…but only on Sundays at 10am.

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