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Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. This year, readers can get in on the action for a change to win prizes, trophies, and the chance to show up so-called sports analysts once and for all! Just email [email protected] with “Powder Puff Picks” in the header and your picks for the week.
A lot of upsets had our pseudo-professional analysts reeling. The Bills won; the Raiders won; the Dolphins score some points! And Eli Manning threw an interception. Well, it can’t all be surprising. Let’s see what happens this week!
Sunday, September 18th, 2011
VS
Oakland Raiders @ Buffalo Bills
LINE: Bills by 4
Evil Peyton Manning:
Reeling from losses against the dominance of the Chiefs and Broncos in Week 1, the Bills and Raiders will match up to make sure one of them has a win this season. It won’t be easy, as…wait, they both won? Ryan Fitzpatrick is the fantasy league leader in points? 87 year old kicker Sebastian Janikowski booted a 63 yard field goal through the uprights? Lock it up, the winner of this game is going to the Super Bowl! Pick: Bills-LOSS
Steve Elle: Bills-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Bills-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Bills-LOSS
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VS
Kansas City Chiefs @ Detroit Lions
LINE: Lions by 9
Evil Peyton Manning:
No team likes to lose a game. No team likes to lose their home opener. No team likes to lose their home opener to the Buffalo Bills by over 30 points. I can’t tell when, or if, this has happened before, but the healing process clearly won’t begin by playing an (allegedly) uninjured Matthew Stafford. Pick: Chiefs-LOSS
Steve Elle: Lions-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Lions-WIN
Darby Shaw: Lions-WIN
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VS
Baltimore Ravens @ Tennessee Titans
LINE: Ravens by 7
Darby Shaw:
In a week that the Packers and Saints threw for a combined 5.6 miles and rookie QB Cam “I’m not a pocket passer” Newton broke the rookie debut passing record, it seemed like defense in the NFL had gone the way of the dodo bird or Kim Kardashian’s pride. However, the Ravens took Ben Roethlisberger into a back bathroom and had their way with him, proving that they’ll be a force to reckon with this season. Look for fat man Haloti Ngata to continue to disrupt geriatric, balding QB Matt Hasselbeck’s passing game all day long. Pick: Ravens-LOSS
Steve Elle: Ravens-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Titans-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Ravens-LOSS
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VS
Cleveland Browns @ Indianapolis Colts
LINE: Browns by 3
Evil Peyton Manning:
Let’s be honest: we all knew that, without Peyton Manning under center, the Colts weren’t going to look as good as they usually do on offense. What we didn’t know is that the line can’t block and Adam Vinatieri can’t kick without help from Manning. Facing the Browns, the best the Colts can do is try to maneuver a trade for Colt McCoy before the kick-off, making him the first quarterback to have the same name as his team. Pick: Browns-WIN
Steve Elle: Browns-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Browns-WIN
Darby Shaw: Colts-LOSS
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VS
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Minnesota Vikings
LINE: Vikings by 3
Darby Shaw:
Last week, Donovan McNabb threw for two yards in the 2nd half against San Diego. Two. Fucking. Yards. Okay, here’s a test for you: go in your backyard. Stand six feet away from a friend and throw a ball at him for 30 minutes. If you can complete more than one pass in those 30 minutes, you’re a better quarterback than Donovan McNabb. Pick: Bucs-WIN
Steve Elle: Bucs-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Bucs-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Bucs-WIN
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VS
Chicago Bears @ New Orleans Saints
LINE: Saints by 7
Steve Elle:
The Bears opened the season with the most experienced (i.e., old) defense in the NFL actually looking like the most experienced defense in the NFL. In a good way for a change. Though this doesn’t necessarily bode well for later in the season, for now, while everyone is fresh, it bodes just fine. It had better. New Orleans looked rather good in defeat. But for now the Bears look like a complete team with a slightly better defense. Bears molest the Saints. Haha, get it? See what I did just there? Pick: Saints-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Saints-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Bears-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Saints-WIN
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VS
Jacksonville Jaguars @ New York Jets
LINE: Jets by 9
Steve Elle:
Comedian Bobcat Goldthwait once did an inspired routine dripping with irony and sarcasm where he portrayed a violent homophobe beating up a gay man while telling him “I hate you because you’re a fag [punch], and because you’re gay [punch]”. This went on for several minutes while Goldthwait beat up his imaginary gay foe, telling him all the reasons he hated him, finally ending with the priceless punch line, “…and I hate you” – looks deep into his eyes – “…because you’re kind of cute”. This intro is meant to illustrate my feeling for the Jets. I hate them because they’re gay [Sanchez], because they’re a bunch of fags [entire team], they’re obsessed with feet [Ryan], and they’re kind of cute [Sanchez], but mostly I hate them because they’re kind of good. Though it can certainly be argued that Rex Ryan likes ‘defeat’, in a manner of speaking. Jacksonville on the other hand is not kind of good, so this is an easy one to call. Though one can always maintain a thread of hope. Pick: Jets-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Jets-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Jaguars-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Jets-WIN
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VS
Seattle Seahawks @ Pittsburgh Steelers
LINE: Steelers by 15
Evil Peyton Manning:
If you asked me two weeks ago what the spread was going to be for this game, I would have guessed about 14. Ask me after the Steelers get romped by the Ravens last week, I’d try to undercut that, but then I remember: we’re talking about the Seahawks, traveling cross-country to Pittsburgh. 15 can be the spread of points or injured players due to a bloodthirsty Steelers defense. I’ll take the over on both. Pick: Steelers-WIN
Steve Elle: Steelers-WIN
Rob Wheatley: Steelers-WIN
Darby Shaw: Seahawks-LOSS
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VS
Arizona Cardinals @ Washington Redskins
LINE: Redskins by 4
Rob Wheatley:
In this modern world of political correctness gone mad, it’s surprising to see the name ‘Redskins’ still in use. Here in the UK we are only allowed to use this term in reference to the humble potato and certainly never to describe the noble Native American. Imagine the controversy if we named a team ‘The London Blackamores’ or the ‘Manchester Yellow People’, it would lead to nothing short of rioting in the streets..Oh hang on, this is England..If recent events here are anything to go by, just somebody farting out of tune can lead to rioting in the streets. Perhaps they should think about renaming the team, something along the lines of ‘Washington those people we drove from the land, while simultaneously bum-raping their history and culture for the price of a few beads” .Oh well, as you were. Cardinals suck ! Redskins for the WIN ! Pick: Redskins-LOSS
Steve Elle: Cardinals-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Cardinals-WIN
Darby Shaw: Redskins-LOSS
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VS
Green Bay Packers @ Carolina Panthers
LINE: Packers by 10
Steve Elle:
The easy way out is to pick Green Bay in a romp. Overconfident rookie QB vs. veteran defensive secondary; Super Bowl champs vs. rebuilding consensus ‘worst team in the league’; golden armed Aaron Rodgers vs. CB’s with names like Captain Munnerlyn (really?). But no. Cam Newton looks like the real deal; Steve Smith seems reborn; the Panther running game looks deep; their defense is young and eager. I am a believer. Nah, just kidding – Green Bay in a romp. Pick: Packers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Packers-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Packers-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Packers-LOSS
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VS
Dallas Cowboys @ San Francisco 49ers
LINE: Cowboys by 3
Rob Wheatley:
Yeeeeeee-Harrrrr ! (That’s Cowboy talk for ‘well, hello there’). This is gonna be one big-hat-wearing, spur-glinting, gun-toting, tobacco spitting, illegal-horse-sex-having, Cowboy partaaay, as they ride into town , kicking dust into the faces of those Frisco Boys and throwing them out of those swingy-door things they have on bars in Cowboy territory. Yup, the 49ers may as well save themselves the humiliation and go and hide under a Golden Gate Bridge somewhere. Cowboys WIN. Pick: Cowboys-LOSS
Steve Elle: Cowboys-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Cowboys-LOSS
Darby Shaw: 49ers-WIN
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VS
Cincinnati Bengals @ Denver Broncos
LINE: Broncos by 4
Steve Elle:
Another game or two like the opener and Baby Jesus (Tim Tebow for those few misinformed) will move from 3rd string QB all the way up to 2nd string. A break for Denver, playing at home is that the Bengal’s rookie QB, Andy Dalton is injured and may not play. The Bengals played inspired ball in week one. Toledo product Bruce Gradkowski played well in relief of Dalton and has plenty of starting experience. This should be a good game but I think the Broncos and Kyle Orton will get it going at home. They’d better or double T will be waiting in the wings and a frenzied Denver crowd will have their prayers answered. Pick: Broncos-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Broncos-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Broncos-LOSS
Darby Shaw: Broncos-LOSS
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VS
Houston Texans @ Miami Dolphins
LINE: Texans by 3
Rob Wheatley:
Aaaah, crap ! I just used up all my big-hatted cowboy stuff on the last game..Now I realise I gotta comment on a bunch of Texans.. Oh , look a Dolphin ! (runs off while nobody is watching). Dolphins WIN. Pick: Dolphins-LOSS
Steve Elle: Dolphins-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Texans-WIN
Darby Shaw: Dolphins-LOSS
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VS
San Diego Chargers @ New England Patriots
LINE: Patriots by 7
Darby Shaw:
Bill Belichick has some sort of documentary playing on constant rotation on ESPN or the NFL Network or Lifetime Movies or one of those other channels I don’t watch. All the sportscasters on that Tweeter thing are raving about it. And if the media is raving about the Patriots, you know what that means: a dominating regular season followed by a flop in the playoffs. Pick: Patriots-WIN
Steve Elle: Chargers-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Patriots-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Patriots-WIN
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VS
Philadelphia Eagles @ Atlanta Falcons
LINE: Eagles by 3
Darby Shaw:
Oh, great. Here we go. NBC snags a marquee matchup for a primetime game. What’s the over-under on how many times the announcers reference Michael Vick’s return to Atlanta? Eleventy billion? Actually, the line I’m interested in is “number of times cameras have to quickly turn away from a fan with a sign that references animal cruelty in some fashion.” THAT’S how I like to gamble. Pick: Falcons-WIN
Steve Elle: Eagles-LOSS
Rob Wheatley: Eagles-LOSS
Evil Peyton Manning: Eagles-LOSS
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Monday, September 19th, 2011
VS
St. Louis Rams @ New York Giants
LINE: Giants by 5
Rob Wheatley:
So there I am, just about to submit my commentaries for the three games I was given this week, used every inch of brain matter I had available (which is not very much…the result of a 24 hour hangover from yesterday), now our Fascist Editor suddenly springs THIS one on me..It’s a good job we’re professionals here (apart from the part about actually getting paid, or recieving health benefits, gym membership, Christmas bonus, Ramadan gift-packs, although to be fair, we do get to keep as much abuse as we can carry).
Oh, the game. How the hell should I know ? My psychic abilities only stretch to Sunday, and this is a Monday night game. Giants stomp all over the sheepish Rams. Giants WIN. Pick: Giants-WIN
Steve Elle: Giants-WIN
Evil Peyton Manning: Giants-WIN
Darby Shaw: Rams-LOSS
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RECORDS
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ANALYSTS
Rob Wheatley: 20-12
Steve Elle: 19-13
Evil Peyton Manning: 17-15
Darby Shaw: 13-19
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CONTEST
Obi-Wallace: 21-11
AmyC: 20-12
RickyB: 19-13
T.O.: 18-14
JMcG: 17-15
Beta Boy: 16-16
Corrupted Clown: 14-18
Giants Chick: 14-18
Mike Marbles Francesa: 14-18
La Princessa: 13-19
Angelicus Rex: 10-22
JohnnyO: 9-23