Jersy Shore, NJ:News flash: double negatives aside, Rex Ryan is not fat for no good reason, and his laziness has now permeated the scouting department. In what has become a trend, Jets scouts have once again failed and have relied upon the scouts of rival AFC team the Pittsburgh Steelers to flesh out their roster. To this end, and to continue a proud Jet trend, they have added convict Plaxico Burress to their roster.
Burress, who hasn’t had a football in a game situation in 3 years but is somehow being counted on to be a game breaker opposite Santonio Holmes, hopes to drop the hammer and fire on all cylinders once given the chance. Though no longer faster than a speeding bullet, Burress expects to take no prisoners on the football field.
“I want to be the point man, the big gun of this offense, and I’m setting my sights on the end zone”, said Burress.
QB Mark Sanchez had this to say: “I expect nothing less than a double barrel effort from Plax”, said Sanchez, “and I’m not afraid to draw fire for any of my comments either.” Ryan commented as well, “I don’t want to jump the gun here, but I really think we’ve got a couple of really productive boy scouts on the flank now…which I really need in the kitchen to prep my flank steak.”
The smoking gun of the surprise Burress signing came on Friday, however, as the Jets made it known that they want to have the most bad ass duo at WR in the NFL. Not surprising, they took ‘bad ass’ to mean in a criminal sense. And to wit, Santonio Holmes has had 5 arrests and/or court appearances in the last 5 years (only averaging a lowly 1 per year) while Burress was in jail for 2 years, so they have actually obtained the unofficial Turd Trophy for player personnel. The Jets are a proud, proud franchise. Much of this can be attributed to management and ownership.
Last year the Jets, in an uncapped year, convincingly proved that money talks and BS walks…along the sidelines at least. With a team salary quadruple that of the upstart Buccaneers, for example, the Jets proved that they made all the right decisions. Well, as it relates to mortgaging the team’s future. The Jets recent success is more a credit to Woody Johnson than anyone else. In ignoring disciplinary problems and assuring that the team is bursting at the seams with former #1 draft picks and future Hall of Famers, Johnson is trying his hardest to write a check to the NFL for the right to borrow the Lombardi Trophy for one year.
“This one is personal!”
With this tired and ridiculous mantra it became evident throughout last year that Jets coach Rex Ryan has more ‘personal’ issues than any other coach in the NFL. Every game was laced with high school quality “this is personal” type rhetoric. While most coaches devise game plans based on the teams they’ll face, Ryan tries to concoct grudge matches out of thin air and call it ‘personal’. Ironically he failed to do this against the same Steelers that now scout for the Jets and it ended up burning them in the playoffs. Other examples of this:
– Rex Ryan: “I’ve seen Brady do it (taunt), he did it last time we played”
– Darrel Revis: “I’ve never seen Tom Brady do that (taunt)”
– Antonio Cromartie, paragon of virtue and father of an unknown number of children: “So what if I don’t know my own kids names? Tom Brady is an a$$hole!”
– Tom Brady: “I’ve been called worse by people who actually like me. Maybe he likes me”
This week, as part of a contest sponsored by the NFL, Scientific American unveiled a new football related equation developed by M.I.T. in honor of the Jets unlikely success in 2009 vs. their expected success in 2010 divided by expectations in 2011: 2009 AFC Championship (loss) 2010 AFC Championship (loss) = worse year in 2011; major disillusionment; downturn; failure; dissension; excuses; etc.
In related news, scientists have attributed the cumulative force created by the expulsion of hot air from Ryan’s mouth to have been reasonably equivalent to the Tidal Force and can represent it with the following equation (where F equals force (and also ‘fat’), R equals Ryan and M equals moron: