Flushing, NY: In a recent press release as to why he was critical of some key players of his baseball team, New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon explained that he received some surprising professional advice in a phone call from one of the most vocal sports team owners in New York’s history: George Steinbrenner III.

The call came during a time of Mets mediocrity, making Wilpon delusional enough to listen. “I picked up my phone while I was driving my golf-cart around CitiField checking to see if the height of the grass was the same on the field as outside the ballpark, and I hear, ‘Freddy! It’s George! I see you pussyfooting around down there. Get off your ass and be an owner, goddammit!’ I was a little disoriented about it, but I sat and listened to him.”

Depiction of Heaven courtesy of South Park Studios.


For about 2 hours, Steinbrenner ranted to Wilpon about player morale, team dedication, and everything wrong with the Mets organization, mentioning former Yankees player and manager Billy Martin at least 60 times in his advice on how to be a warrior of an owner and take control of his own team.

“I know I’ve butted heads with George over the years, but he brought up some good points at the time,” explained Wilpon. “I was a little anxious about the phone bill, considering my finances right now and being unsure if I was going to be charged long distance for speaking to someone on the phone from heaven, but at the time I thought it was a good investment.”

Good or not, the conversation proved to unhinge the Mets owner. Soon after the call, Wilpon proceeded to pick apart some of the star players on his staff in an interview with writer Jeffrey Toobin. In the interview, Wilpon:

1) laughed at the idea of Jose Reyes receiving Carl Crawford money

2) berated himself for falling madly in love with Carlos Beltran’s “five tools”

3) stated that thinking David Wright could hold the team together was influenced by his heavy medication at the time

4) forgot that he signed Jason Bay

5) wished that Oliver Perez was still on the team

6) was unaware that Mets manager Terry Collins actually exists

“I’m not proud of my statements, but what else am I going to do, go back to playing online poker in my office? I can’t even do that, what with the government freezing websites. I had to do something to ignite those bums before they sold my team and put me in a nursing home,” explained Wilpon.

Fred Wilpon’s son Jeff pleaded the fifth in regards to the claims that he wanted to sell the team and have his father committed, but he did support his father’s decision to speak out. “Some elderly people play golf, or go on cruises, or watch The Golden Girls to pass the time. My dad happens to like baseball,” explained the younger Wilpon. “It’s not his fault he cares too much about his team. He just happens to be a little worse of an owner than the late George Steinbrenner, but who can really measure up to that?”

The elderly Wilpon later apologized for his comments. “Maybe I have a different personality than George, so my words played off a little differently. What’s important is that we move on, and continue our success! Oh, goddammit…”

Hope is not lost on the Mets, however, as Fred Wilpon explained that George Steinbrenner told him that he was willing to allow the Mets to play an exhibition game against his deceased Yankees stars to help build the confidence of Mets players. Wilpon was later seen drawing a baseball diamond in the parking lot of CitiField and setting life-sized cardboard cut-outs of Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and Thurman Munson around the perimeter.

By Patrick AE

Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.