New York, NY: This morning, Samsung Mobile announced the release of its game-changing mobile phone: the Samsung Deuce. As opposed to some mobile phone models which have been aimed at professionals, technology buffs, or teens, the latest offering from Samsung is intended for a very specific audience.

“We have spent three years doing extensive market research on the mobile phone using community,” said Willie Hung, Director of New Technologies for Samsung. “What we have determined is that there is an untapped market for users who prefer to access their phones during what scientists call ‘special number twosies time.’”

It was only after extensive research that Samsung stumbled across this untouched corner of the market. After conducting hundreds of focus groups, fecal level tests on touch-screens, and hemorrhoid tests on users, they began working on the Deuce.

“Once we saw the gap in the market, we realized we’d been caught with our pants down. We quickly got our best engineers on it, straining to come up with the best idea. Eventually we realized that pushing too hard wouldn’t get us anywhere, so we just sat and waited for the ideas to start flowing,” explained Mr. Hung.

This new device will contain many of the features users have come to expect with other phones, such as voice dialing (with a special echo-canceling microphone) and web browsing. However, it will also have new features such as a volume-canceling feature that can be activated by a discreet cough, insuring that stall neighbors will not overhear the users’ Angry Birds or adult media, and brand-new scent-based technology that will alert the user when a courtesy flush is necessary.

The most widely anticipated feature is the new app store for the phone, which will be called “The Pot Spot.” Unlike other phones’ apps, which tend to focus on productivity applications, the Deuce will have more focus. Current apps in development include the “Crapper Keeper,” a GPS-based app which will store a user’s favorite toilet locations; the “Deuce-One-One,” an information app which will provide contact information for the nearest plumber, janitor, or newspaper delivery service; and the “Larry Craiginator,” a social networking app in which a user can log in and find other users who wish to play stall footsie.

Samsung rushed development of the phone in order to release it prior to the Thanksgiving holiday. Director Hung explained, “It’s not a Black Friday thing; we know that would be a wasted effort, as most people who are out on Black Friday don’t even stop to use the restroom. Our goal was to have our product in people’s hands ON Thanksgiving. We anticipate that the combination of over-eating and Detroit Lions football is going to make quite a few people spend a significant amount of time in the bathroom.”

The phone, which will retail for $200 after rebates, will be featured across most major wireless carriers; the only exception will be AT&T, as their users already have shit service.