NFL Powder Puff Picks: Week 2

| September 17, 2010 | 0 Comments

   Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. Our correspondent from across “The Pond”, Rob Wheatley, is in the lead! Let’s see what this week brings.

Sunday, September 19th, 2010

VS

Arizona Cardinals @ Atlanta Falcons

LINE: Falcons(ATL) by 7

Darby Shaw: Pick: Cardinals-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Falcons-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Cardinals-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Falcons-WIN

 

VS

Baltimore Ravens @ Cincinnati Bengals

LINE: Ravens(BAL) by 2

Rick Bernardo

 Terrell Owens. Ray Lewis. Chad Ocho-Cinco. Anquan Bouldin. Carson Palmer. T.J. Houshmandzadeh. Tank Johnson. Ed Reed. If there was going to be any more hot air on that field, it would burn a tunnel straight to the earth’s core. Pick: Anyone who watches this game on mute. Or Ravens-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Ravens-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Bengals-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Ravens-LOSS

VS

Kansas City Chiefs @ Cleveland Browns

LINE: Browns(CLE) by 2

Darby Shaw: Pick: Chiefs-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Browns-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Chiefs-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Chiefs-WIN

VS

Chicago Bears @ Dallas Cowboys

LINE: Cowboys(DAL) by 9

Rob Wheatley

This is a fight I’d like to see. Imagine Hair Bear (from ‘Help, it’s the Hair Bear bunch’) in a one on one with big John Wayne. It’d be a total bloodbath. For a start, Hair Bear is just a cartoon character, and even though The Duke has been dead for some time, I still fancy his chances. Remember the scene from ‘True Grit’, Wayne as Rooster Cogburn, pounding across the plains, rifle in hand, simply destroying all enemies with a relaxed confidence, even though he’s just downed nearly two pints of whiskey? Now THATS how to play American Football. Cowboys to win, leaving nothing more than a bear-skin rug in their wake. Pick: Cowboys-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Bears-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Bears-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Cowboys-LOSS

VS

Philadelphia Eagles @ Detroit Lions

LINE: Eagles(PHI) by 6

Darby Shaw

2nd week of the season, and we already have a potential matchup of backup QBs. Imagine what the league would look like if the NFL DIDN’T treat quarterbacks like they were made of glass. Maybe they should put them in the Popemobile or something. Pick: Eagles-LOSS 

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Eagles-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Eagles-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Eagles-LOSS

VS

Buffalo Bills @ Green Bay Packers

LINE: Packers(GNB) by 14

Rick Bernardo

Normally, any line over 12 points is begging for an upset, especially when the favorite’s quarterback is tauted as the next Steve Young, or…*cough*cough*brettfavre*cough*. However, this is the Buffalo Bills we’re talking about as the under-dog, brandishing such stars as Trent Whatzisname at QB, Johnny Whothehellknows at running back, and 50 time pro-bowl wide receiver Jerry Rice. What? Rice has been retired? Sure he has. So has the whole Bills offense for the last 10 years. Pick: Packers-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Packers-WIN 

Steve Elle: Pick: Packers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bills-LOSS

VS

Pittsburgh Steelers @ Tennessee Titans

LINE: Steelers(PIT) by 6

Darby Shaw: Pick: Steelers-WIN 

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Titans-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Titans-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Titans-LOSS

VS

Miami Dolphins @ Minnesota Vikings

LINE: Vikings(MIN) by 6

Darby Shaw

 Is it to early to call a game “must-win”? Brett Favre is about two losses away from taking his ball and going home. This is what you get when you build up the hype, farm boy. Pick: Vikings-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Vikings-LOSS 

Steve Elle: Pick: Dolphins-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Vikings-LOSS

VS

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Carolina Panthers

LINE: Panthers(CAR) by 4

Steve Elle

 The Bucs opened up week 1 with one of the most dominating offensive displays ever seen in the modern NFL. This was juxtaposed with a stifling defense that veteran CB has coined ‘Tampa 2.1’. End result: Bucs victory, just outside the predicted 35 point spread. The Panthers were mistreated by the Giants. It was believed Panthers QB Matt Moore desperately tried to change his name to No Moore during the game, but inside reports state he was just being a pussy. The Bucs will again try to win by 35 but first they have to stop the run. This week the Bucs plan to get Moore to change his name to No Mas. Pick: Bucs-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Bucs-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Bucs-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Bucs-WIN

VS

St. Louis Rams @ Oakland Raiders

LINE: Raiders(OAK) by 4

Rob Wheatley

 Oh irony of ironies. Ram-Raiding is a popular leisure activity this side of the Atlantic. Just take one Range Rover and one shop-window, put the two together at high speed and BANG, a brand new television set will soon be sitting in your front room. All the better to see the Raiders giving the opposition a damned good ramming. Raiders will be victorious. Pick: Raiders-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Rams-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Raiders-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Raiders-LOSS

VS

Seattle Seahawks @ Denver Broncos

LINE: Broncos(DEN) by 4

Steve Elle

USC visits The Swamp in a huge early game in this new NCAA season. Tim Tebow will try to lead the Gators, who shockingly lost their opening game last week, to victory. In the meantime Pete Carroll has the Trojans firing on all cylinders. Wait a moment…ah, my faux pas. With the focus clearly still on Carroll and Tebow and their collective former glory, I was momentarily confused. Baby Jesus should hold a clipboard again this week as Kyle Orton played well enough. Matt Hasselbeck had a resurgent game for the ‘Hawks as they looked surprisingly good in their debut. Josh McDaniels, in the meantime, continues to find new ways to display his poor judgment and lack of coaching acumen. The term ‘riding someone’s coattails’ figured to continue to loom large here. Pick: Seahawks-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Broncos-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Seahawks-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Seahawks-LOSS

VS

New England Patriots @ New York Jets

LINE: Patriots(NWE) by 3

Darby Shaw

Wait. The Patriots, who blew the doors off of the Bengals, are only getting three points against the Jets, who only managed 176 yards of offense? Are the odds-makers  fucking with us, or is a Mafia family holding Tom Brady’s kids hostage and we just don’t know about it yet? Pick: Patriots-LOSS

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Patriots-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: Patriots-LOSS

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Jets-WIN

VS

Jacksonville Jaguars @ San Diego Chargers

LINE: Chargers(SDG) by 7

Rob Wheatley

   This sounds like a match between two high performance motor cars. On one hand, the classic British Jaguar, smooth stylish and something of a Cad. The sort of car that would do your wife while offering you a Martini and trying to sell you stocks in a non-existent Oil company. The Charger, on the other hand, is pure American muscle, loud, aggressive, tons of power, but only really any good in a straight line. Out of the two, I’d rather have my Wife done by the smoothy in the pencil moustache, because at least it probably has a great line in entertaining anecdotes. Jaguars for the win. Pick: Jaguars-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Chargers-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Chargers-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Chargers-WIN

VS

Houston Texans @ Washington Redskins

LINE: Texans(HOU) by 2

Darby Shaw: Pick: Texans-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Texans-WIN

Steve Elle: Pick: Texans-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Redskins-LOSS

VS

New York Giants @ Indianapolis Colts

LINE: Colts(IND) by 6

Steve Elle

Manning and Manning go mano a mano. It does not bode well for the Giants that the Colts lost last week. Bob Sanders, the frailest tough guy S in the NFL, may be gone for yet another season which opens opportunities for NY’s running game. The 500 stitches in Eli’s scalp didn’t seem to bother him much last weekend. Peyton Manning was so pissed he reportedly sodomized several offensive linemen (not to mention Pierre Garcon, who it was reported received a special ‘grudge sodomy’ session). The Colts should, not surprisingly, be on their toes for this contest. Pick: Colts-WIN

Darby Shaw: Pick: Colts-WIN

Rick Bernardo: Pick: Colts-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Giants-LOSS

Monday, September 20th, 2010

VS

New Orleans Saints @ San Francisco 49ers

LINE: Saints(NOR) by 6

Rick Bernardo

Apparently, instead of hand-delivering his Heisman trophy back to its Manhattan headquarters, Reggie Bush has opted to run to the other side of the country, just close enough to his alma mater to annoy his past coaches and administration, but far enough away so that he won’t be pummeled by renagade bowling trophies when he walks out onto the field. Pick: Saints-LOSS

Darby Shaw: Pick: Saints-LOSS

Steve Elle: Pick: 49ers-WIN

Rob Wheatley: Pick: Saints-LOSS

 

RECORDS

This Week

Darby Shaw: 10-6

Steve Elle: 9-7

Rick Bernardo: 7-9

Rob Wheatley: 4-12

Total

Darby Shaw: 18-14

Steve Elle: 18-14

Rob Wheatley: 15-17

Rick Bernardo: 14-18

Written by FascistEditor

FascistEditor

As the managing editor of The Inept Owl, Patrick has sworn to uphold the honor and integrity of hard-hitting journalism…but only on Sundays at 10am.

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Category: Sports

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