The Corn Refiners Association, a group that apparently controls the production of high fructose corn syrup, an ingredient found in 99.9% of the food in the United States and one that is blamed for extreme obesity, have petitioned the federal government for permission to change the name of the key ingredient on food product labels. Their suggestion? Corn sugar.
The consumption of corn syrup has fallen to a twenty year low, due to consumer concerns that the sweetener is at least partially responsible for weight gain. The Corn Refiners Association does not believe that this is true and, instead of disproving the theory, are choosing to adopt a name change in the hopes that it will confuse the American people.
“Them there scientists say that corn syrup makes people fat,” exclaims Job Bob Jenkins, Vice President of the Food Testing division of the Corn Refiners Association. “I say that there’s hogwash. It ain’t true. No sir. Besides, ain’t nothing wrong with a few extra pounds. Look at me. I’m a 400 pound love-making machine. Just ask my cousins.”
Jenkins and his company believe that changing the name to Corn Sugar will alleviate some of the concerns about their product. Last year, the average American consumed 35.7 pounds of high fructose corn syrup – a number lower than the 45.4 pounds 10 years ago. Jenkins hopes that the name change will force Americans to consume 315 pounds of high fructose corn syrup every year.
“The more corn syrup, I mean corn sugar, they eat, the richer we get,” said Jenkins. “So, come on, folks…eat more corn sugar. I gots to get me a new bass boat.”
Other possible alternatives to Corn Syrup are as follows:
Corn Rot Your Teeth Out
Corn Diabetes
Corn Heart Attack
Corn Fat
(Editor’s Note: Shortly after the article was written, Mr. Jenkins died of sudden heart failure. He was 28 years old. The new bass boat is sitting in his yard, forgotten.)