Pittsburgh, PA: Denizens of Pittsburgh, trying to recover from public scorn over the exploits of disgraced quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, have embraced a new taste sensation: the Rotten Burger.
This new burger, being sold exclusively at local Pittsburgh Biff Burger franchises, is aimed primarily at the 18-21 single female population in an effort to obtain the highest sales. Studies have proven that Pittsburgh (and Georgia) females in this age group are particularly attracted to large, ugly men who can throw oblong objects real far. Good looks, being not only optional, but frowned upon, are not factored in by this group, in an effort to enlarge this pool of men. In related news city officials are also looking at a plan, similar to that fictionalized in the book “The Stepford Wives”, which would involve creating a suburb that can serve as a hub for such men and the women that love them. This suburb would tentatively be called Rothlisburgh.
This new burger is composed of 100% real dog meat in an effort at obtaining true authenticity.
Biff Burger is adorning its Rotten Burger with optional “Special Sauce” (unless too much alcohol has been consumed). This opaque concoction is rumored to be viscous and salty in nature. Pilot programs have found that most prefer the Rotten Burger minus the Special Sauce.
Instead of French Fries being offered as a side item, Biff Burger has reported that Freedom Fries will be making a comeback – not because of any negative propaganda against the French, but instead as an effort to sway Roger Goodell. It is hoped that Goodell will note the inclusion of Freedom Fries as a sign that the burgers namesake will now seek out willing females who are not inebriated to the point of unconsciousness and who are able to state their name and what city they live in.
An alternate side item is currently being negotiated. Uncle Ben’s, the iconic rice company, is patterning with Ben Roethlisberger to create a new rice aimed at the same population: Uncle Ben’s Ready Raid. This would be a beer flavored white rice of questionable quality. Each box contains one business card emboldened with ‘Ready Raid’. The card entitles girls between the ages of 18-21* to free drinks all night whenever Ben Roethlisberger is within a 5 mile radius in order to prep them to meet Mr. Roethlisberger in person.
* all girls under 21 who plan on participating in this promotion must have valid fake ID.