Pittsburgh, PA: In what seems to be a regular occurrence these days, lines of women have stepped forward accusing Ben Roethlisberger of naughty behavior. In what no longer seems to be surprising and in somewhat related news, a unique genetic mutation was discovered, strongly linking Ben Roethlisberger and beloved autistic bear, Winnie the Pooh.
As the floodgates opened, 243 new Roethlisberger accusers have stepped forward, including a few Piglets. Roethlisberger, now known around the league allegorically as the ‘QB of very little brain’ had this to say: “Uh, what?”
When the situation was explained to him using nursery rhymes and cartoonish pictures, Mr. Roethlisberger clarified his statement. “I’m still not sure what all the fuss is about. I’m a quarterback. I’m rich. My nickname is Big Ben. What else could a woman want? Or young girl, in most cases.”
Roethlisberger was asked to give a DNA sample to authorities involved in the recent case. When PCR tests were done on this sample, the genetic mutation and link was discovered (Fig 1).
Pooh, famously known as a bear of very little brain, now bears a striking resemblance to Ben Roethlisberger, known now universally as an athlete of very little brain. The resemblance is indeed striking:
- Both have an addiction to the honey pot
- Both seem to be great friends with Piglet or other assorted piglets
- One is a kindred spirit of Tigger, the other of Tiger
- One is friends with a donkey, the other is an actual ass
- They are both prone to accidents because of their small brains
- Both seem to share the same mental age: six
- Both have voices that convince you of their claim to have very little brain
As the Steelers approach this years draft, they are now forced to consider picking up a QB, hopefully one less familiar with A.A. Milne. And motorcycles. And girls.
Fig 1 – Double helix on the left and representative chromosomes on the right showing a pair (left) from Pooh and a pair (on right) from Roethlisberger. These are identical and exhibit identical gene expression as well.