In an exclusive telephone interview with The Inept Owl, the biceps of world-famous home-run hitter
Mark McGwire came clean about the slugger’s past behaviors. The following is a transcript of the conversation:
MMB: “Listen, man. I shouldn’t even be talking to you, but the big guy’s in the middle of his nap, so this is the only shot I’ve got. It’s time to set the record straight about all this.”
McGwire (mumbled): “This isn’t about… Hall of Fame… porn moustache. Zzzzz.”
Owl: “Umm… before we go any further… this is a bicep muscle talking to me? What did the secretary slip in the coffee this time?”
MMB: “I got injected with everything under the sun for a solid decade. Steroids, human growth hormone, horse tranquilizer, the blood of virgins, and a little Mr. Pibb. So yeah, are you really shocked that I grew a set of lips and became self-aware?”
Owl: “Fair point. So, what would you like to share with the world?”
MMB: “The world? I’m talking to The Inept Owl, not the New York Times. I’ll be lucky if a dozen people see this. But your name came up first when I Googled mellow journalism. I wanted something that wouldn’t get people in an uproar.”
Owl: “Actually, I think you might have made a typo. We only show up under yellow journalism.”
MMB: “Whatever. Do you want the story or not? I’m running out of time here.”
McGwire (mumbled): “Given gifts… Man Upstairs… ever since birth. Hehe… baby homers.” *snort*
Owl: “Sorry. Please continue.”
MMB: “As I was saying… for the better part of the 90s, this guy was shooting up everything under the sun. ‘For health purposes,’ he says. Yeah, because nothing says normal, healthy athlete like having a neck that’s thicker than your head, and a pair of nuts you can keep in your contact lens case. I remember back in Oakland when we were young and skinny. We didn’t have to turn sideways to fit through doorways. We didn’t accidentally crush your phalanges when we shook hands. We didn’t turn into the Incredible Hulk after an 0-for-3 outing at the plate. Those were the good old days. By the time we went to St. Louis, we were being considered for a role in the Godzilla remake. The LEAD role.”
Owl: “So you don’t believe the steroids were taken in order to heal from injuries?”
MMB: “The only health problem Big Mac had was a constant case of vaginitis. And since he wasn’t shooting that stuff into his hoo-hah, I doubt that was the issue.”
Owl: “What about Jose Canseco’s claims that he and McGwire would go into the bathroom stalls at the stadium after batting practice to inject themselves with steroids?”
MMB: “Oh, Canseco wanted to go into the stalls and do some injecting, all right. But he preferred the hot beef injection, knowwhatI’msayin?”
Owl: “Umm, no. What are you saying?”
McGwire (mumbled): “Wish I’d never touched… wang.”
MMB: “Canseco wanted to [redacted] his [redacted] right in the [redacted] and have McGwire [redacted] his [redacted] while a ferret [redacted] his [redacted] and poured motor oil on [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].”
Owl: “Can you excuse me a moment? My ears are now bleeding.”
MMB: “There’s no time! Mac will be waking up any minute!” *pause*
McGwire (mumbled): “Not here to talk about the past. Here to talk about man-boobs. Zzzzzz….”
MMB: “Listen, the important part is this: McGwire cheated. He injected steroids, okay?”
Owl: “Is that all you’ve got? I’ll post this article right next to the ‘BREAKING NEWS: SKY IS BLUE’ column we’re about run.”
McGwire (mumbled): “Wha? Inject the sky? On-base percentage will go up?”MMB: “Shoot, he’s waking up. I gotta go! Let my words inspire others to come forth. Lance Armstrong’s thighs maybe, or Barry Bonds’ forehead. Speak up, my brothers!”
Owl: “I do NOT get paid enough for this.”
MMB: “At least you don’t get a needle shoved in your backside once a week.”
Owl: “Err… umm… yeah.”