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Finger Bitten Off During Raider Bash

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Thousand Oaks, CA: California authorities have stated that a clash between supporters and haters of the Oakland Raiders ended with one fan biting off another man’s finger.

   Ventura County Sheriff’s Capt. Frank O’Hanlon said about 100 people were demonstrating in favor of signing a petition to gain power of attorney over Al Raider FansDavis, who is severely afflicted with late stage Alzheimer’s, for purposes of taking him off life support and signing a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order. Davis, who before being found was last seen far from home walking the streets of Oakland dressed only in his custom made diapers embossed with the Raider logo (making him easy to identify), had repeatedly resisted attempts to send him to a nursing home.

   O’Hanlon said one man got into an argument and fist fight, during which he bit off the left pinky of a 65-year-old man who opposed sending Davis to a nursing home.

   A hospital spokeswoman said the man lost half the finger, but doctors reattached it and he was sent home the same night.

   When asked for comment, embattled Oakland head coach Tom Cable commented that while he certainly doesn’t condone this type of violence, he too had bitten off fingers in the past (and had recently attempted to do so with one of his assistants) and quite enjoyed the sensation, likening it to grappling with a particularly ornery piece of gristle on a turkey-bone.

   Cable stated, “Winning that battle, wrestling that gristle, or finger, from your adversary gives a satisfaction like no other. Well, hitting people in the face is up there, too.” When reminded of the situation with Davis, Cable said that he really didn’t care about that.

   O’Hanlon said the attacker fled, and authorities are having a hard time fitting a description because he looks like all Raiders fans,: insane.

Copyright 2009 The Constipated Press. All insults deserved. This material may be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

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