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# The Inept Owl

Satirical News for Serious People

## Sitemaps

- [XML Sitemap](https://theineptowl.com/sitemap.xml): Contains all public & indexable URLs for this website.

## Posts

- [I'm Not a Party Member: A Doug Stanhope Interview](https://theineptowl.com/2016/09/17/party-member-doug-stanhope-interview/) - Comedian Doug Stanhope talks politics, drugs, comedy specials, and beef stroganoff.
- [Christmas Songs for People Who Don't Like Christmas Songs](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/16/christmas-songs-people-christmas-songs/) - Tis the season to get cranky, especially when it comes to Christmas songs. Here are some Christmas songs that you will never hear on the radio.
- [Public Tires of Lindsay Lohan's Breasts](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/10/public-tires-lindsay-lohans-breasts/) - Los Angeles, CA: When it comes to Lindsay Lohan being naked, few things can surprise the masses. This is, in part, due to the many paparazzi photos that seem to catch female celebrities in just that right moment, whether it be by use of a camera's burst mode as she leaves a car, or as she walks into a coffee house to get a vanilla latte while topless.
- [Unpartisan Podcast Episode 1005: Where Can We Pee?](https://theineptowl.com/2016/05/19/unpartisan-podcast-episode-1005-pee/) - This week on Unpartisan, we figure out where everyone can pee after transgender segregation laws, Kim Jong-un\'s status, and where Election 2016 stands.
- [Unpartisan Podcast Episode 1004: Too Much Trump](https://theineptowl.com/2016/04/18/unpartisan-podcast-episode-1004-trump/) - This week on Unpartisan, we give you an All-Trump showcase in the hopes that we never have to speak about Donald Trump again.
- [Birds Visit Other Presidential Candidates](https://theineptowl.com/2016/04/05/birds-visit-presidential-candidates/) - Bernie Sanders wasn\'t the only presidential candidate to be visited by birds. Here\'s what happened to the rest of them.
- [Unpartisan Podcast Episode 1003: Political Poo](https://theineptowl.com/2016/03/31/unpartisan-podcast-episode-1003-political-poo/) - This week on Unpartisan, we break down what the world will be like after election 2016 and presidential penile sizes... and more.
- [Unpartisan Podcast Episode 1002: Presidential Dropouts 2016](https://theineptowl.com/2016/03/08/unpartisan-podcast-episode-1002-presidential-dropouts-2016/) - This week on Unpartisan, we cover Presidential Dropouts 2016, Supreme Court Justice nominees, and Ted Cruz\'s Canadianism. If that\'s a word.
- [Parents Still Unsure Why Children are Afraid of 8-Foot Mutant Rabbit](https://theineptowl.com/2014/04/21/parents-unsure-children-afraid-8-foot-mutant-rabbit/) - Parents are left with an Easter mystery in developmental psychology: "Why does my child cry when sitting on the Easter Bunny's lap for a picture?"
- [Fifty Shades of Black Fast-Tracked to Oscars](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/26/fifty-shades-black-fasttracked-oscars/) - In an effort to diversify the nominees of the 88th Academy Awards, an emergency ballot selected Fifty Shades of Black for a Best Picture nomination.
- [Iowa Man Tells Campaign Worker Candidate Lost His Vote](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/01/iowa-man-tells-campaign-worker-candidate-lost-vote/) - A man in Iowa decided to only vote for a candidate that didn't harass him.
- [Child Receives Savings Bond to Learn About Debt](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/15/child-receives-savings-bond-learn-debt/) - 5 year old Anthony Pence learned about debt when his aunt gave him a savings bond.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Jeb Bush](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/06/asinine-election-analysis-2016-jeb-bush/) - Jeb Bush to campaign with the slogan, "At least I'm not these guys."
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Carly Fiorina](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/11/asinine-election-analysis-2016-carly-fiorina/) - Carly Fiorina has fired herself from her presidential campaign.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Chris Christie](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/12/asinine-election-analysis-2016-chris-christie/) - Chris Christie has suspended another future lap-band surgery, as well as his presidential campaign.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Marco Rubio](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/15/asinine-election-analysis-2016-marco-rubio/) - Sen. Marco Rubio: like a fun-sized Rick Santorum.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Ben Carson](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/15/asinine-election-analysis-2016-ben-carson/) - Contrary to popular belief, Dr. Ben Carson is still running for president.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: John Kasich](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/16/asinine-election-analysis-2016-john-kasich/) - John Kasich hopes to confuse former Dennis Kucinich supporters to vote for him.
- [Unpartisan Podcast Episode 1001: Kim Jong-un is Magic](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/20/unpartisan-podcast-episode-1001-kim-jongun-magic/) - In this episode of Unpartisan, Pat and Eli break down Kim Jong-un, immigration policies, and the architecture of America if Donald Trump became president.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Jill Stein](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/23/asinine-election-analysis-2016-jill-stein/) - Dr. Jill Stein is touted as being more punk than Bernie Sanders.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Gary Johnson](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/23/asinine-election-analysis-2016-gary-johnson/) - Gary Johnson has declared his intent to run for president to make a very expensive political point.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Ted Cruz](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/17/asinine-election-analysis-2016-ted-cruz/) - Our asinine political analysis breaks down Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz.
- [ICYWYMI: Jeb Bush Logo Belongs on an Afternoon Talk Show](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/18/icywymi-jeb-bush-logo-belongs-afternoon-talk-show/) - The Jeb Bush campaign logo seems geared toward the afternoon TV crowd.
- [ICYWYMI: Vanity Kills Dolphin](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/18/icywymi-vanity-kills-dolphin/) - Social media doesn't kill? Tell that to Flipper Jr.
- [Election 2016 Candidates as Monty Python & the Holy Grail Characters](https://theineptowl.com/2016/03/03/election-2016-candidates-monty-python-holy-grail-characters/) - Casting Monty Python and the Holy Grail with 2016 candidates.
- [Easter: Say It with Star Wars](https://theineptowl.com/2012/04/06/easter-star-wars/) - Easter is one of the most neglected holidays in meme-dom, so we gave it a Star Wars theme.
- [Advancement in Prosthetic Limbs Met with Resistance, Requests for "Cool Robot Hands"](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/27/advancement-prosthetic-limbs-met-resistance-requests-cool-robot-hands/) - Artificial limb fashion takes a turn for the vintage as users of prosthetics want to look more robotic.
- [Chris Farley Found Alive and Well in Toronto](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/18/chris-farley-alive-toronto/) - It seems that Chris Farley is alive, and has been secretly running Toronto as his alter-ego, Rob Ford.
- [Historian Discovers Roots of St. Patrick's Day](https://theineptowl.com/2009/03/17/historian-discovers-roots-st-patricks-day/) - Dr. Haggis O'Connell, renowned professor of European Studies at Harvard University, has discovered ancient texts revealing the celebration of St. Patrick's Day.
- [Woman Arrested on St. Patrick's Day for Being Sober](https://theineptowl.com/2011/03/17/woman-arrested-st-patricks-day-sober/) - Unfortunately, someone always has to take things too far, and spoil the fun for everyone. This year, 23 year old Manhattan resident Stacey Fueller was the culprit. At about 1:45pm, Miss Fueller was found by police engaged in one of the most explicitly vulgar activities the holiday had ever been a part of, an act so heinous that society could forever be changed: Miss Fueller was found absolutely sober in the afternoon of St. Patrick's Day.
- [Canada PM Justin Theroux Arrives in Washington](https://theineptowl.com/2016/03/10/justin-theroux-arrives-washington/) - Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was confused with actor Justin Theroux in his first official trip to Washington DC.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Hillary Clinton](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/30/meet-candidates-2016-hillary-clinton/) - Our asinine political analysis breaks down Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Donald Trump](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/30/meet-candidates-2016-donald-trump/) - Our asinine political analysis breaks down Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Bernie Sanders](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/31/asinine-election-analysis-2016-bernie-sanders/) - Our asinine political analysis breaks down Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Martin O'Malley](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/04/asinine-election-analysis-2016-martin-omalley/) - Martin O'Malley has suspended his presidential campaign, possibly in order to tour with Dave Matthews.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Mike Huckabee](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/05/asinine-election-analysis-2016-mike-huckabee/) - Mike Huckabee has suspended his presidential campaign, leading many to believe this is a new version of the Christian Revival traveling ministry.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Rand Paul](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/05/asinine-election-analysis-2016-rand-paul/) - Rand Paul has suspended his presidential campaign after forgetting to put his Ron Paul mask on for Iowa.
- [Asinine Election Analysis 2016: Rick Santorum](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/06/asinine-election-analysis-2016-rick-santorum/) - Rick Santorum has suspended his presidential campaign to focus on putting out an Oscar-worthy film from his faith-based film studio.
- [Unpartisan Episode 1001](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/17/unpartisan-episode-1001/) - In this episode of Unpartisan, Pat and Eli break down the power of Kim Jong-un, immigration policies referring to DAPA, and the architectural landscape of America if Donald Trump became president. Theme song provided by Audionautix.com
- [Films Force Men to Work For It on Valentine's Day](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/05/films-force-men-work-valentines-day/) - Men may be forced to do more than dinner and a movie on Valentine's Day.
- [Man Depressed by Valentine from Mother](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/15/man-depressed-valentine-mother/) - It didn't take long for David Platt to feel the sharp blade of Valentine's Day cut away the last bits of his self-esteem.
- [Valentine's Day: Say It with Star Wars](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/14/valentines-day-star-wars/) - It's been too long since Something Awful's Star Wars Valentines were updated, so we came up with two that you can send to the Alderaanian geeks in your life.
- [Public Outraged by Trump Star on Walk of Fame](https://theineptowl.com/2016/02/01/public-outraged-trump-star-walk-fame/) - Americans were outraged this past weekend when reminded that Donald Trump has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
- [ICYWYMI: Dragging Ass on DAPA](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/20/icywymi-dragging-ass-dapa/) - For better or worse, DAPA is going to get its due.
- [Woman Becomes Trapped in Infinite Hashtag Loop](https://theineptowl.com/2014/11/24/woman-trapped-infinite-hashtag-loop/) - Nancy Krupp found herself in an infinite hashtag loop that has made the paradox of time travel seem trivial.
- [ICYWYMI: Diplomacy is Not a Strength for Trump](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/13/icywymi-diplomacy-strength-trump/) - Hours was all it took for Donald Trump to display his prowess in diplomacy, an important skill when dealing with entire nations instead of a few employees.
- [ICYWYMI: How to Get to Sesame Street? HBO Avenue](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/14/icywymi-sesame-street-hbo-avenue/) - Sesame Street is premiering this weekend on HBO, proving that education isn't free.
- [GOP Noms Argue Who Loves Guns, Hates Obama the Most](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/15/gop-noms-argue-loves-guns-hates-obama/) - North Charleston, SC - Republicans converged on North Charleston last night to provide news agencies with material for another week of Tweets about Donald Trump. The debate was preceded by an open interview for the position of FOX News commentator. Former Hewlett-Packard CEO and dog-fondler Carly Fiorina was the stand-out winner, having the largest per-appearance
- [ICYWYMI: Sarah Palin Guest Stars in Trump Reality Campaign](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/20/icywymi-sarah-palin-guest-stars-trump-reality-campaign/) - There's one thing we can all agree on about Donald Trump's presidential campaign: it's entertaining.
- [ICYWYMI: Whiteness History Month Fails at Marketing](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/20/icywymi-whiteness-history-month-fails-marketing/) - Whiteness History Month isn't about white pride. So maybe it should change its name.
- [Donald Trump Trumps Trump In Battle of Trumps](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/29/donald-trump-trumps-trump-battle-trumps/) - In a span of trumps, Donald Trump has trumped the trump by Trump.
- [Bernie Sanders Combs Hair, Examines Political Options](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/22/bernie-sanders-combs-hair-examines-political-options/) - Bernie Sanders made his own Palin-esque vote grab.
- [ICYWYMI: Trump Gives Fox News Journalistic Integrity](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/28/icywymi-trump-fox-news-journalistic-integrity/) - Donald Trump gave an ultimatum, and Fox News stood strong. Truth truly is stranger than fiction.
- [ICYWYMI: Jeb Bush Better Off Hurling Cash Into Crowds](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/27/icywymi-jeb-bush-hurling-cash-crowds/) - Jeb Bush should have just tossed wads of cash into crowds to gain support.
- [ICYWYMI: Donald Trump is Ready for His Despot Regime](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/25/icywymi-donald-trump-ready-fascist-regime/) - With the idea that he could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and not lose voters, Trump's campaign is that much closer to a facist regime.
- [Snyder Blames Michigan for Trusting Government](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/26/snyder-blames-michigan-trusting-government/) - Michigan Governor Snyder blames Michigan residents for trusting government wouldn't screw with water.
- [Punxsutawney Phil Found Dead](https://theineptowl.com/2008/02/02/punxsutawney-phil-dead/) - Groundhog Day had a confusing reading by Punxsutawney Phil today as the rodent of revelation never left his hole and is presumed dead.
- [Weather Term "Polar Vortex" Officially Overused](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/21/weather-term-polar-vortex-officially-overused/) - The weather term polar vortex has officially jumped the shark.
- [Ask an Owl: Xmas Presents](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/05/ask-an-owl-xmas-presents/) - Mr. Owl, I'm down to the wire on thinking of a gift for my girlfriend. We've been seeing each other for 4 months, so it's tricky to think of a gift that suits the time. Please help!
- [Elf On The Shelf Found Dead](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/21/elf-shelf-dead/) - Tragedy struck the holiday season as an elf on the shelf at the Madison family residence was found mutilated in front of the living room fireplace.
- [Good Samaritan On Way Home to Finish Conspiracy Manifesto](https://theineptowl.com/2014/09/29/good-samaritcan-finish-manifesto/) - Proof that conspiracy theorists are just like you and I.
- [North Korea Claims Work Farms Misrepresented](https://theineptowl.com/2014/10/03/north-korea-work-farm/) - North Korea released a marketing campaign to showcase the improvements the country has made to its treatment of prisoners in labor camps and farms.
- [Obama Kicks Off Terror Busters Campaign](https://theineptowl.com/2014/10/09/obama-kicks-terror-busters-campaign/) - If there’s something strange in the global hood, who you gonna call?” President Obama flipped the table and shouted, “Terror Busters!”
- [The Hunger Games Not the Reason He Took Up Archery, Claims Local Man](https://theineptowl.com/2014/11/11/hunger-games-reason-archery-claims-local-man/) - Archery enthusiast Charles Reynolds held a press conference today to proclaim that he is not a fan of The Hunger Games, neither in book or movie formats.
- [Apple Releases Info on Crucial Apple Watch Accessories](https://theineptowl.com/2015/03/10/apple-releases-info-crucial-apple-watch-accessories/) - Following the public introduction of the Apple Watch, Apple released information on accessories that make Apple Watch more responsive and more expensive.
- [Ranchers in Oregon Express Constitutional Right to Armed Takeover of Federal Property](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/04/ranchers-oregon-express-constitutional-armed-takeover-federal-property/) - Ranchers in Oregon have expressed their constitutional right to armed takeover of federal property.
- [North Korea H-Bomb Confirmed](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/06/north-korea-hbomb-confirmed/) - North Korea's confirmed H-bomb test may have only been a successful water balloon tie-off.
- [ICYWYMI: South Korea's Most Dangerous WMD is K-Pop](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/07/icywymi-south-koreas-dangerous-wmd-kpop/) - A nuclear bomb doesn't stand a chance against K-pop.
- [ICYWYMI:  Oregon Refuge Occupied by Angry White Terrorists](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/04/icywymi-freedom-militia-great-impersonation-white-isis/) - It seems that a group of militiamen, some armed, some probably armed, have taken up residency in a federal parks building in Oregon.
- [ICYWYMI: Ted Cruz Drops the Mic, Has to Pick It Back Up](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/08/icywymi-ted-cruz-drops-mic-pick/) - Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz continued to follow up his national #CruzCountry Comedy Tour.
- [ICYWYMI: Powerball Proves People are Really Bad at Math](https://theineptowl.com/2016/01/12/icywymi-powerball-proves-people-bad-math/) - Think we could all split the Powerball jackpot to become millionaires? Think again.
- [Researchers Connect Winter Weather to Poor Driving](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/17/researchers-connect-winter-weather-poor-driving/) - At the Toronto Research in Driving, a government-funded study on the relationship between snow and bad motoring revealed some surprising results.
- [The Book of Brule](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/20/book-brule/) - Ever wonder why Dr. Steve Brule never made a self-help book? Well stop wondering because this is how it would look, you dingus.
- [World Wishes Kiefer Sutherland Had Made Freddie Prinze, Jr. Quit Acting](https://theineptowl.com/2014/07/28/world-wishes-kiefer-sutherland-freddie-prinze-jr-quit-acting/) - Freddie Prinze, Jr, star of such Oscar-worthy films as She's All That, Scooby Doo, and Summer Catch, has lashed out at 24 star Keifer Sutherland
- [Israel Brings Birthright Trip to Smoldering Summer Ruin](https://theineptowl.com/2014/08/01/israel-brings-birthright-trip-smoldering-summer-ruin/) - A group of Birthright tour-goers ended their ten-day excursion to Israel yesterday, soaking up the sun and snapping photos of the ruins of Beit Hanoun.
- [Ferguson Police Chief Defends Rights of Police Against Unarmed Civilians](https://theineptowl.com/2014/08/19/ferguson-police-chief-defends-rights-police-unarmed-civilians/) - St. Louis County Police Chief Jon Belmar announced his solidarity with police officers to defend themselves against the threat of unarmed black teenagers.
- [President Obama Asks Americans for Just the Airstrikes](https://theineptowl.com/2014/09/23/president-obama-asks-americans-airstrikes/) - In an attempt to coerce Americans into war, President Obama has promised "just the airstrikes" and that "it won't hurt for long."
- [Evidence Reveals Ripper Prostitute Victim May Have Had Male DNA on her Clothing](https://theineptowl.com/2014/09/08/evidence-reveals-ripper-prostitute-victim-male-dna-clothing/) - The mystery of Jack the Ripper may be solved as DNA evidence has been found that could be the serial killer's. Or it could be male DNA on a prostitute.
- [Oakland Raiders Fans Fight to Overturn FCC Blackout Ruling](https://theineptowl.com/2014/09/30/oakland-raiders-fans-fight-overturn-fcc-blackout-ruling/) - Opponents of the FCC ruling include fans of the Raiders, Buccaneers, and Titans, who will now be forced to watch their teams on local television.
- [U.N. Deploys Sutherland to Gaza](https://theineptowl.com/2009/01/13/deploys-sutherland-gaza/) - The situation in Gaza Strip has alarmed the globe, leading to the release of Jack Bauer, aka Keifer Sutherland, in the region.
- [Eric Cantor Defeated in Primary by Small Guppy Named Pedro](https://theineptowl.com/2014/06/12/eric-cantor-defeated-primary-small-guppy-named-pedro/) - House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was handed an historic defeat in the Republican primary yesterday by a local house pet.
- [US Wags Finger Forcefully at Palestine](https://theineptowl.com/2014/07/25/wags-finger-forcefully-palestine/) - In the past few weeks, Palestine has launched tens of rockets, destroying almost an acre of corn, killing two lambs and starting a small fire in a park.
- [FCC Votes on Net Neutrality. Internet Providers to Charge $5 per User to See Results](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/15/fcc-votes-net-neutrality-internet-providers-charge-5-user-results/) - The results of the FCC voting on net neutrality are in, but have not been released due to "content providers that do not pay for prioritized access."
- [Soft Drink Companies to Drop Healthiest-Sounding Ingredient from their Products](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/06/soft-drink-companies-drop-healthiest-sounding-ingredient-products/) - To curtail misleading beliefs that soda may have an ingredient that sounds slightly healthy, PepsiCo and Coca-Cola announced the discontinued use of brominated vegetable oil.
- [Pro-Gun Activists Barred from Marching Against Moms to Capitol Hill](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/07/progun-activists-barred-marching-moms-capitol-hill/) - Gun violence survivors and families of victims marched on Capitol Hill today and pro-gun activists have begun claiming that their rights are being violated.
- [Future Common Core Graduate Optimistic about Finding Job Taking Standardized Tests](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/12/future-common-core-graduate-optimistic-finding-job-standardized-tests/) - How will children answer the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up" under Common Core?
- [Public Demands More Original Titles to Government Scandals After "Bridgegate"](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/13/public-demands-original-titles-government-scandals-bridgegate/) - Citizens across the United States are rallying for swift and immediate changes to the names of scandals like Bridgegate.
- [Ben Affleck is... Sad Batman](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/14/ben-affleck-sad-batman/) - If there was every any question that casting Ben Affleck as Batman was a mistake, we give you... Sad Batman.
- [Pistorius to Undergo Psych Evaluation to Prove He Is Crazy for Killing Extremely Hot Girlfriend](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/21/pistorius-undergo-psych-evaluation-prove-crazy-killing-extremely-hot-girlfriend/) - Oscar Pistorius will undergo a month-long psychiatric evaluation to prove he is crazy for killing his extremely hot girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp.
- [Chipotle Asks Customers Not to Bring Their Ancient, Mystical Weapons Into Restaurants](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/22/chipotle-asks-customers-bring-ancient-mystical-weapons-restaurants/) - Chipotle Mexican Grill has formally requested that customers leave behind their ancient weapons of unspecified mystical power when eating at their restaurants.
- [Local Man Forgets About Memorial Day](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/26/local-man-forgets-memorial-day/) - For Charles Montgomery, this Memorial Day was all but remembered as he found himself locked outside of the office building he visits daily for work.
- [Google's Self-Driving Cars Kidnapping Testers, Exhibiting Emotions](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/30/googles-selfdriving-cars-reportedly-kidnapping-testers-exhibiting-emotions/) - Google has halted production on their line of self-driving cars after the prototypes reportedly started becoming self-aware.
- [Study: Hurricane Researchers Really Don't Know Women](https://theineptowl.com/2014/06/03/study-hurricane-researchers-women/) - In a study on the study of how the gender of a hurricane's name affects the public's fear, it has been found that most researchers don't interact with women.
- [Rodman Cancels North Korea Visit Due to Seth Rogen Movie](https://theineptowl.com/2014/06/26/rodman-cancels-north-korea-visit-due-seth-rogen-movie/) - With Seth Rogen's politically charged comedy, The Interview, vacation travel by to North Korea has dropped by almost 90%.
- [Ann Coulter Doesn't Know Soccer, or Sports in General](https://theineptowl.com/2014/06/30/ann-coulter-soccer-sports/) - Ann Coulter goes off on soccer as I go off on her for going off on soccer.
- [Tinder Lawsuit Evidence Not as Funny when Replacing "Dick" with "Penis"](https://theineptowl.com/2014/07/02/tinder-lawsuit-evidence-funny-replacing-dick-penis/) - A lawsuit made strides in eradicating the humor of word usage when evidence was introduced referring to the idea of "dick" as the word "penis."
- [Officials Horrified by How Sketch Artist Depicted Dead Wisconsin Woman Stuffed in a Suitcase](https://theineptowl.com/2014/07/03/officials-horrified-sketch-artist-depicted-dead-wisconsin-woman-stuffed-suitcase/) - A Wisconsin man is being tried for hiding the bodies of two dead women in suitcases. A police sketch artist is being tried for drawing a ridiculous rendering of one of the women.
- [Georgia Enables Guns Everywhere Law at Worst Possible Time](https://theineptowl.com/2014/07/03/georgia-enables-guns-law-worst-time/) - Georgia's new firearm law, the Safe Carry Protection Act aka the GUNS EVERYWHERE! law according to gun control advocates was enabled on July 1st. Bad Timing?
- [British Intelligence Uncovers Drunken Yankee on 4th of July](https://theineptowl.com/2007/07/07/british-intelligence-uncover-drunken-yankee/) - British Intelligence uncovers American plot to get drunk on 4th of July.
- [Partiers Look to Avoid 4th of July Rush](https://theineptowl.com/2011/07/01/partiers-avoid-4th-july-rush/) - In an effort to avoid the inevitable holiday crowds this 4th of July weekend, revelers are finding creative ways to get out ahead of the curve in their celebrations.
- [Pitbull On Schedule to Release Another Piece of Shit Album](https://theineptowl.com/2014/06/11/pitbull-schedule-release-piece-shit-album/) - Fans of corporate and thoughtless music rejoiced today in the news that Pitbull is on schedule to release yet another giant piece of shit.
- [HBO's Game of Thrones Explained...with More Beer](https://theineptowl.com/2011/07/19/hbos-game-thrones-explainedwith-beer-2/) - It had to happen. After such an insane response to my HBO's Game of Thrones Explained...with Beer article, I decided to push the envelope and see what I could get away with in a sequel article. I know, it's shameful. Then again, this could the makings of an intelligent trilogy, or even series, much like Star Wars, Harry Potter, and the first two Back to the Future movies. I'm not regurgitating. These are a new group of characters, a new group of alcohol(even if it does have a cameo in line with KISS showing up in a Scooby-Doo episode), and a new group of jokes. But you don't have to take my word for it...
- [Jack White’s Ego to Release Solo Album](https://theineptowl.com/2014/06/06/jack-whites-ego-release-solo-album/) - After several years of notable collaboration, Jack White’s Ego announced he is splitting with his mentor in favor of making his own music.
- [Retail Store Takes 12 Hours to Complete Bitcoin Transaction](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/13/retail-store-takes-12-hours-complete-bitcoin-transaction/) - Retail stores plan to accept Bitcoin, no matter how long it may take.
- [Bill Gates Begins Rampage Through Microsoft Campus](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/06/bill-gates-begins-rampage-microsoft-campus/) - Bill Gates returns to Microsoft, and he is not amused.
- [White House Launches Climate Change Website More Confusing than Weather.com](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/25/white-house-launch-climate-change-website-confusing-weathercom/) - With healthcare.gov still buggy, the White House has begun to digitize the education of another important platform: climate change.
- [Microsoft Warns that Windows XP Systems will Self-Destruct at Midnight](https://theineptowl.com/2014/04/08/microsoft-warns-windows-xp-systems-selfdestruct-midnight/) - The countdown to extinction began this morning due to the fact that Microsoft's support for the Windows XP operating system will end at some point today.
- [BP Study Confirms Benefits of Oil Spills](https://theineptowl.com/2014/04/23/bp-study-confirms-benefits-oil-spills/) - British Petroleum spokesman Gerald McSlick announced the results of a two-year study that proves oil spills may actually be good for the environment.
- [US Government Finally Stops Using Internet Explorer Due to National Security Risks](https://theineptowl.com/2014/04/30/government-finally-stops-internet-explorer-national-security-risks/) - The Department of Homeland Security began putting a plan into action yesterday that would shift government offices away from the use of Internet Explorer.
- [Space Tollbooths Unveiled by Transit Authorities Following Progress of SpaceX](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/30/space-tollbooths-unveiled-transit-authority-progress-spacex/) - With the unveiling of Dragon V2 by SpaceX, multiple transit authorities have unveiled a prototype of their own: the space tollbooth.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-26-2014](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/27/horrible-horoscopes-week-0526014/) - Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-19-2014](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/21/horrible-horoscopes-week-0519014/) - Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.
- [Donald Sterling Calls Racist Press Conference to Apologize for the Last Racist Apology](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/16/donald-sterling-calls-racist-press-conference/) - Donald Sterling called for a press conference to address statements he made during his interview with Anderson Cooper where he apologized for his initial remarks.
- [Tim Tebow Tebows Tim Tebow in Tim Tebow](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/09/tim-tebow-tebows-tim-tebow-tim-tebow/) - Tim Tebow, TT: Last Tebow tebowed a remarkable tebow for Tim Tebow, as Tim Tebow tebowed the Tim Tebows past the Tim Tebows to tebow on to the next Tebow. The tebow tebowed not only the Tim Tebows, but all tebows tebowing from tebow, in elation as well as anger.
- [Michael Sam Kiss Forces Athletes to Address PDAs with Significant Others](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/13/michael-sam-kiss-forces-athletes-address-pdas-significant/) - Athletes and fans fear what public displays of affection will do to their blood-thirsty game.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-12-2014](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/13/horrible-horoscopes-week-0512014/) - Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.
- [Doctors Still Unsure if Acrobat Injuries Just Part of the Show](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/05/doctors-unsure-acrobat-injuries-part-show/) - It has been almost 24 hours since a circus accident left eight acrobats injured and doctors are still unsure if they are in a really long circus act.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-5-2014](https://theineptowl.com/2014/05/05/horrible-horoscopes-week-0505014/) - Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.
- [Critics of Voter ID Laws Call for Honor System](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/09/critics-voter-id-laws-call-honor-system/) - Washington, DC: In an attempt to bring light to age, culture, and creed discrimination in local and national voting systems, news outlets are reporting on the laws some states have which require voters to produce photo identification before punching their hole in the American democratic system. The idea has stirred up critics hungry for a
- [Walter Cronkite's Ghost Delivers State of the News Address](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/18/walter-cronkites-ghost-delivers-state-news-address/) - Early this morning, the ghost of Walter Cronkite emerged from a news anchor desk in New York during a live broadcast to address the state of journalism.
- [Google Glasses Ignore Warnings from Futurama](https://theineptowl.com/2012/04/10/google-glasses-ignore-warnings-futurama/) - Google Glass is becoming more and more like Futurama's eyePhone.
- [Kim Jong-un Receives 100% of Votes to North Korean Assembly. 30% of North Korean Population Missing](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/11/kim-jongun-receives-100-votes-north-korean-assembly-30-north-korean-population-missing/) - Kim Jong-un was elected to the Supreme People's Assembly, the highest legislative body of North Korea besides Kim Jong-un himself.
- [Michael Vick Injures Ribs Signing with the New York Jets](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/22/michael-vick-injured-ribs-signing-york-jets/) - Michael Vick was promptly placed on IR due to a rib injury that occurred when signing with the New York Jets.
- [Rosie O'Donnell Look-Alike Asks that 8 Year-Old Dress and Act More Like a Girl](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/26/rosie-odonnell-lookalike-asks-8-yearold-dress-act-girl/) - The Christian ideals of sexuality and gender identity took a turn for even more ridiculous this past month.
- [Texas Institutes All Creationism Curriculum in Schools](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/28/texas-institutes-creationism-curriculum-schools/) - Rick Perry announced the institution of a new curriculum of creationism in state schools that would “teach the controversy.”
- [Congress Offers Campaign Finance Package Deals at Low Low Prices](https://theineptowl.com/2014/04/07/congress-offers-campaign-finance-package-deals/) - With the removal of the cap on campaign contributions last week, Congress has begun putting forth methods to entice election buyers.
- [Supreme Court Ruling on Campaign Donations Re-Opens Door for Pauly Shore](https://theineptowl.com/2014/04/02/supreme-court-ruling-campaign-donations-reopens-door-pauly-shore/) - Pauly Shore rejoices over Supreme Court ruling on campaign donations.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-31-2014](https://theineptowl.com/2014/04/01/horrible-horoscopes-week-3312014/) - Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-17-2014](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/21/horrible-horoscopes-week-3172014/) - Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.
- [Paul Ryan's Free Lunch Raises Suspicions of Other Anti-Welfare Anecdotes](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/18/paul-ryans-free-lunch-raises-suspicions-antiwelfare-anecdotes/) - The possible inaccuracies of Rep. Paul Ryan's free lunch story has undermined many other conservative anecdotes.
- [Son of Blofeld Takes Credit for Missing Malaysia Plane](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/13/son-blofeld-takes-credit-missing-malaysia-plane/) - Missing plane from Malaysia sounds like a James Bond movie plot.
- [Dallas Cowboys Sign Sam Smith from Craigslist Due to Cap Issues](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/13/dallas-cowboys-sign-sam-smith-craigslist-due-cap-issues/) - The Dallas Cowboys go to Craigslist to fill in their salary cap-handicapped roster.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-10-2014](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/12/horrible-horoscopes-week-3102014/) - Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.
- [President Obama Begins Showbiz Plan with "Between Two Ferns"](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/11/president-obama-begins-showbiz-plan-ferns/) - With the President's recent witty retorts with Galifianakis, the possibilities for the President in Hollywood seem limitless.
- [Florida Refuses to Amend "Stand Your Ground" Law to Exclude "Come At Me, Bro"](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/10/florida-refuses-amend-stand-ground-law-exclude-bro/) - With election season on the horizon, the political powers of Florida are gearing up to debate on everyone's favorite topic: gun laws.
- [Tom DeLay Claims God "Wrote the Constitution," Plans to Convert to Judaism](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/22/tom-delay-claims-god-wrote-constitution-plans-convert-judaism/) - Tom DeLay stretches the correlation of the US Constitution and the Bible as far as he can.
- [Arizona Businesses to Deny Service to Angry White Christians](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/24/arizona-business-deny-service-angry-white-christians/) - In a retaliatory effort against Senate Bill 1062, some businesses are ready to deny services to angry white Christians.
- [Congress Insecure about Military Shrinkage, States "It's A Decent Size"](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/25/congress-blames-military-shrinkage-cold-weather/) - The plan to replace the size of the military with skill in how it is used has proponents of a large military insecure about the US's place in the world.
- [Russia Claims It’s “Totally Not” Invading Ukraine](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/03/russia-claims-totally-invading-ukraine/) - Putin claims Russian military exercises are "no big deal," cites international tank show in Iran.
- [CIA Accused of Spying on CIA](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/06/cia-accused-spying-cia/) - Reports revealed an extensive surveillance effort lead by the Central Intelligence Agency to investigate the activities of the Central Intelligence Agency.
- [Denver Broncos to Release Champ Bailey Into the Wild](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/06/denver-broncos-release-champ-bailey-wilderness/) - Broncos veteran cornerback Champ Bailey is set to be released from the team and then, literally, into the wild.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-3-2014](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/05/horrible-horoscopes-week-332014/) - Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.
- [Travolta Apologizes for Mispronouncing Adela Dazeem's Name at Oscars](https://theineptowl.com/2014/03/05/travolta-apologizes-mispronouncing-adela-dazeems-oscars/) - After almost a week of mockery on the internet and in the media, John Travolta finally spoke of his mispronunciation of Frozen singer Idina Menzel's name.
- [Janet Yellen Admits to Being a Milli Vanilli Fan](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/28/janet-yellen-admits-milli-vanilli-fan/) - Janet Yellen has admitted to what Federal Reserve detractors and economists have been accusing the central bank of for years: being Milli Vanilli fans.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 2-24-2014](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/26/horrible-horoscopes-week-2242014/) - Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.
- [Comcast Unveils "Basic Human Dignity” Service Plan](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/25/comcast-unveils-basic-human-dignity-service-plan/) - Comcast unveils news service plans for cable, phone, and internet: the higher-cost "Basic Human Dignity" plan and the low-cost “Comcast Classic.”
- [Abe Vigoda: Killing Death Pools for 91 Years](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/24/abe-vigoda-killing-death-pools-91-years/) - New York, NY: For years, reports of his death proved to be premature, over and over again. A website was erected in order to tell the world of his true status. His name is a running gag, so much so that this article may have jumped the shark a few years ago. Now, celebrations have begun as the perennial old man, Abe Vigoda, turned 91 years old today, beating out another group of celebrities in death pools worldwide.
- [Vice President Biden Pouts about Not Being Invited to Republican Party](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/17/vice-president-biden-pouts-invited-republican-party/) - There is still a Republican Party in Washington, but don't tell Vice President Joe Biden because he's in denial that he missed it.
- [Russia, Putin Improve Tolerance, Start Week with Minimal Beatings, Arrests of LGBT](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/18/russia-putin-show-tolerance-minimal-gay-beatings-arrests/) - In an effort to curtail the global view of Russia as an ignorant, gay-bashing, fascist nation, Putin finally put his amnesty program into action.
- [Snake Handling Pastor Bit by Rattlesnake for Being a Snake Handling Pastor](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/20/pastor-bit-rattlesnake/) - Jamie Coots, star of the reality show “Snake Salvation” on the National Geographic Channel, wins this year's Darwin Award.
- [Russia Overtakes US in Joke Race Due to Washington DC Snow Closing](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/13/russia-overtakes-joke-race-due-washington-dc-snow-closing/) - It took over 50 years, but Russia was able to overtake the US in the international mockery race with news that Washington D.C. would be closed due to snow.
- [Shia LaBeouf Submits Meltdown for Oscar Consideration](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/10/shia-labeouf-submits-meltdown-oscar-consideration/) - Shia LaBeouf explained his odd behavior by calling it performance art. Translated from the fulosheiten language, "performance art" means "I meant to do that."
- [News Anchor Will Apologize to Samuel L. Jackson with Film Tribute](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/11/news-anchor-apologize-samuel-jackson-film-tribute/) - The reporter who mistook Samuel L. Jackson for Laurence Fisburne yesterday plans to honor the actor with a news segment highlighting his finest work in cinema.
- [Vuvuzela Horn Rally Turns Violent in Venezuela](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/13/vuvuzela-horn-rally-turns-violent-venezuela/) - Thousands of citizens in Venezuela gather in protest for what is believed to be an anti-vuvuzela campaign.
- [Nerdy Guys Broken by Ellen Page Coming Out](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/15/nerdy-guys-broken-ellen-page-coming/) - In a statement that has crushed nerdy guys everywhere, Ellen Page openly revealed herself as gay.
- [George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum Resurrects Old Political Jokes](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/25/bush-spell-checking-library-museum/) - The George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum promises hilarity, intended or not.
- [Dr. Steve Brule Sells More BBVs than Batman, Harry Potter, and Disney Combined](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/16/dr-steve-brule-sells-bbvs-batman-harry-potter-disney-combined/) - Charts and ratings were filled with BBVs, RDTs, and Blue Hay as Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule: Season 1 & 2 hit shelves and our mental stability.
- [Ask An Owl: New Year's Romance](https://theineptowl.com/2009/11/12/ask-an-owl-new-years-romance/) - Did you survive the relationship gauntlet of the holidays? Ask an Owl goes over the pitfalls for Valentine's Day.
- [Shia LaBeouf Decides on Fallback Career](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/18/shia-labeouf-decides-fallback-career/) - Shia LaBeouf, the awkward-looking "star" of the famously horrific Transformers franchise has, after much consideration, decided on his fallback career.
- [Congress Votes to Ban “That Hook Thing That Scrapes Your Teeth at the Dentist”](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/06/congress-votes-ban-hook-scrapes-teeth-dentist/) - Following President Barack Obama’s plea for Congress to finally work together, Congress has voted to ban dental scalers.
- [Which Personality Quiz Are You?](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/03/personality-quiz-are-you/) - Lately, internet quizzes have been running rampant on the internet. But one question remains: what personality quiz are you?
- [World Offended by Coca-Cola's "America the Beautiful" Super Bowl Commercial](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/03/world-offended-cocacolas-america-beautiful-super-bowl-commercial/) - The Super Bowl was a talking point for ridiculously serious political debate when Coca-Cola's "America the Beautiful" commercial was aired.
- [World Bored by Another Woody Allen Scandal](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/04/world-bored-latest-woody-allen-scandal/) - In the latest development of Woody Allen's life as a dirty old man, adopted daughter Dylan Farrow has implicated Allen in sexual abuse.
- [World In Denial Over Death of Philip Seymour Hoffman](https://theineptowl.com/2014/02/02/world-denial-death-philip-seymour-hoffman/) - In the early stages of an investigation that absolutely no one wants to believe, actor Philip Seymour Hoffman was found dead Sunday morning.
- [Reeves and Zimmerman to Co-Star in Action Comedy, "Food Attack Defense Squad"](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/16/reeves-zimmerman-costar-action-comedy-food-attack-defense-squad/) - Hollywood is set to cast Curtis Reeves and George Zimmerman in a new action comedy film, Food Attack Defense Squad.
- [Mayor Bloomberg to Add Benches, Ski-Lifts, to NYC Snowdrifts](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/03/mayor-bloomberg-add-benches-skilifts-nyc-snowdrifts/) - Mayor Bloomberg prepares to make Manhattan skier-accessible after storm.
- [Dentist Elf Busted For Drug Abuse](https://theineptowl.com/2009/12/21/dentist-elf-busted-drug-abuse/) - A dentist elf at the North Pole has been arrested and charged with possession of an illicit substance during the Christmas season.
- [Local Asshole Refuses to Have a Happy New Year](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/01/local-assholes-resfuse-happy-year/) - Happy New Year? No thanks, already had one.
- [US Government to Destroy Over 1,000 Tons of Elmo Dolls for Environmental Safety](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/06/government-destroy-6-tons-elmo-dolls-environmental-safety/) - Following the destruction of ivory, the United States takes aim at Elmo dolls.
- [Polar Vortex Leads to Officially 'Fucking Cold' Temperatures](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/06/polar-vortex-leads-fuckin-cold-temperatures/) - With 26 states in the midst of a polar vortex, meteorologists across the Midwest have finally come to an agreement: it's fucking cold outside.
- [NJ Traffic Scandal Labeled Military Exercise by Christie Supporters](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/10/nj-traffic-scandal-labeled-military-christie/) - Gov. Chris Christie's traffic scandal could be the next step in military strategy.
- [T-Mobile Fails to Help Local Idiot Break Up with Girlfriend](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/12/tmobile-fails-local-idiot-break-girlfriend/) - Earlier his week, mobile communications company T-Mobile found a social media foothold that promises to take viral marketing by storm. Maybe too well.
- [Alex Rodriguez Sues World Over PED Allegations](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/14/alex-rodriguez-sues-world-ped-allegations/) - Alex Rodriguez responds to his 162-game suspension by suing everyone to prove his innocence.
- [Movie Theaters Consider Adding "Don't Shoot People" to Preview Guides](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/15/movie-theaters-adding-shoot-people-preview-guides/) - Movie theater management responds to latest fatal shooting with plans to put giant graphics on the screen telling the audience not to shoot people.
- [NFL Officials Practice Flag-Tossing for 49ers VS Seahawks Game](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/19/nfl-officials-practice-flagtossing-49ers-seahawks-game/) - NFL Official train in flag-throwing and other skills for game between the 49ers and Seahawks.
- [World Sues Quentin Tarantino to Keep Him from Acting in The Hateful Eight](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/27/world-sues-quentin-tarantino-hateful-eight/) - While Quentin Tarantino plans to sue Gawker Media, the world prepares to sue Quentin Tarantino.
- [President Obama Institutes First State of the Union Brawl](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/29/president-obama-institutes-state-union-brawl/) - The Station of the Union Address took an odd turn last night, as opposing party members physically assaulted each other rather than verbally.
- [Punxsutawney Phil Predicts More Winter: Pennsylvanians Stock Up on Sunblock](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/02/punxsutawney-phil-predicts-winter-pennsylvanians-stock-sunblock/) - Once again, our furry meteorologists have poked their heads out into the world for the sole purpose of telling us when to expect winter to be over.
- [Groundhog Predicts Early Spring: Pennsylvanians Get Naked](https://theineptowl.com/2011/02/02/groundhog-early-sprin/) - Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog of revelation, left his hole this morning, slipped on the ice, crashed head-first into a tree, and didn't see his shadow.
- [President Obama Declares Pot Not Cooler than Alcohol](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/22/president-obama-declares-pot-cooler-alcohol/) - In the war on drugs, President Obama hits hard. Or something.
- [Basketball Fans Shocked that Dennis Rodman's Odd Behavior in North Korea Took This Long](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/09/basketball-fans-shocked-dennis-rodmans-odd-behavior-north-korea-long/) - During his adventures in North Korea, Dennis Rodman alienates basketball fans...again.
- [Republicans Celebrate Party’s Triumph Over Science](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/08/republicans-celebrate-partys-triumph-science/) - GOP leaders gathered to celebrate a successful year for the Republican Party, capped off with an 11% decline in the belief in evolution with their colleagues.
- [Shock Therapy Could Erase Painful Memories Like Seeing "The Iron Giant"](https://theineptowl.com/2014/01/07/shock-therapy-erase-painful-memories-iron-giant/) - Shock therapy could lead to the deletion of selective memory. Yes, just like in that movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
- [Nature Experts Gather to Study Running of the Shoppers](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/23/nature-experts-gather-study-running-shoppers/) - As the holidays draw near and the bargains begin to blow in, the rare in-person shopper begins its slow migration to the local discount stores.
- [Delta Airlines Starts "We Hate Everyone, Equally” Campaign](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/20/delta-airlines-starts-hate-equally-campaign/) - Delta Airlines announced a new policy that it hopes will foster an atmosphere of equal-opportunity hatred towards and from all its customers.
- [North Korea Faxes South Korea Threatening Message Due to Faulty Dial-up Connection](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/20/north-korea-faxes-south-korea-threatening-message-due-faulty-dialup-connection/) - The cutting edge technology of the North Korean military was displayed once again as officials in North Korea allegedly faxed a threat to the South Korea.
- [Shia LaBeouf Apologizes for Plagiarized Apology for Plagiarizing Dan Clowes](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/20/shia-labeouf-apologizes-plagiarizing-apology-plagiarizing-clowes/) - Shia LaBeouf just can't stop plagiarizing!
- [World Shocked that A&E Shocked by Duck Dynasty Star's Bigoted Comments](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/19/world-shocked-ae-shocked-duck-dynasty-bigot/) - In a news report that has surprised no one, bearded hillbilly patriarch Phil Robertson Duck Dynasty is believed to be a racist, homophobic bigot.
- [Anthropologists Uncover Missing Hillbilly Link of Evolution](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/19/anthropologists-missing-link-evolution-hillbilly/) - New developments in the mating patterns of neanderthals point to hillbillies being the missing link on the evolutionary ladder.
- [Holiday Bonuses Replaced With E-Gifts](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/21/holiday-bonuses-replaced-egifts/) - With the holidays in full swing and the economy lagging, companies look for alternatives to the normal holiday bonuses that employees have come to rely on.
- [Spoiled Rich Kids Cower In Terror of Affluenza Outbreak](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/18/spoiled-rich-kids-cower-terror-affluenza-outbreak/) - It has now been learned that being a spoiled rich kid also comes with the genetic disposition to become afflicted with a harrowing condition known as affluenza.
- [Pop Stars Film Takes You Behind the Scenes of Unrealistically Fake Moments](https://theineptowl.com/2013/09/03/pop-stars-film-behind-scenes-fake-movie-moments/) - The One Direction film gives viewers a glimpse of the studio-engineered antics and professionally-directed monologues that they engage in backstage.
- [Fans of HBO's The Newsroom Research Tirelessly for Operation Genoa History](https://theineptowl.com/2013/09/09/fans-hbos-newsroom-research-tirelessly-operation-genoa-history/) - Fans of The Newsroom and conspiracy theories take Operation Genoa too far.
- [NSA Pleads with Public to Stop Joking About Them in Private Conversations and Email](https://theineptowl.com/2013/09/18/nsa-pleads-public-stop-joking-private-conversations/) - Amid the ongoing controversy over the NSA’s domestic spying program, the government organization has asked people to stop making jokes about the NSA reading said conversations.
- [Syria Agrees to Consider UN’s Stern Talking-to Resolution](https://theineptowl.com/2013/09/13/syria-agrees-uns-stern-talkingto-resolution/) - The UN resolution in Syria calls for a 30-minute, strongly-worded talking-to discussion with plenty of finger-wagging.
- [Millions Join Quest for the Holy iPhone](https://theineptowl.com/2013/09/20/millions-join-quest-holy-iphone/) - The iPhone 5s is rumored to be made of gold the color of 1,000 setting suns.
- [Nation’s Hysterics Bravely Reporting Dangers of Fukushima Run-off](https://theineptowl.com/2013/09/25/nations-hysterics-bravely-reporting-dangers-fukushima-runoff/) - America’s hysterics are still paying close attention to any long-term effects the run-off from the Fukushima plant could cause two years later.
- [Gap Unveils Starvation Wage Fashion Line](https://theineptowl.com/2013/09/27/gap-unveils-starvation-wage-fashion-line/) - At a surprise fashion show this week, the buzz was all about Gap’s new line, which they’re calling “starvation wage” fashion.
- [IRS Consoles Public During Government Shutdown](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/02/irs-consoles-public-government-shutdown/) - Good news, everyone! Although the government has shut down, our valiant employees at the IRS will continue to collect your hard-earned money and audit your businesses.
- [Congress Stages Protest Against Congress](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/03/congress-stages-protest-congress/) - With government shutdown now a reality, Representatives and Senators have taken to the streets in protest.
- [Americans Apply Shutdown Strategy to Life](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/11/americans-apply-shutdown-strategy-life/) - Throughout America, citizens have begun applying the government shutdown method to their normal way of life.
- [Politicians Begin Training for Side Jobs During Shutdown](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/14/politicians-training-side-jobs-shutdown/) - Most senators are optimistic that a deal will be arranged to reopen the government and extend the debt ceiling, but some politicians are not so sure.
- [Stores Push Black Friday into Thanksgiving, Plan to Serve Dinner](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/15/stores-push-black-friday-thanksgiving-plan-serve-dinner/) - The most logical way to abandon the national family dinner altogether on Thanksgiving would be for stores to serve turkey dinner at their entrances.
- [Street Vendors Take to NYC Streets Hoping to be Mistaken for Banksy](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/16/street-vendors-nyc-streets-hoping-mistaken-banksy/) - NY street vendors strive to be mistaken for Bansky himself in the hopes of selling their work for at least 10 times their asking price.
- [NSA Leaks Reporter Leaves Guardian After Being Offered Amazing Position by Mysterious Man in Black](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/16/nsa-leaks-reporter-leaves-guardian-offered-amazing-position-mysterious-man-black/) - Journalist Glenn Greenwald from the Guardian receives dream opportunity from man in black.
- [Congress Celebrates Landmark Budget Punt](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/21/congress-celebrates-landmark-budget-punt/) - After settling on a budget deal last Wednesday, Congress met in front of the Capitol building for the traditional responsibility-punting ceremony.
- [Kansas Considers Corporate Sponsored Suicide Hotlines](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/23/kansas-considers-corporate-sponsored-suicide-hotlines/) - In the wake of a $19 million dollar cut to mental health services, Kansas has begun courting corporate sponsors to pick up the rest of the bill.
- [Halloween Costumes for the Poor and Sarcastic: 2013 Edition](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/24/halloween-costumes-sarcastic-2013-edition/) - This year, we're being pro-active in our approach to Halloween by telling you all what the top costumes of the season will be for the sarcastic.
- [Most Emotionally Distant Galaxy Discovered](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/25/emotionally-distant-galaxy-discovered/) - In an exciting discovery, astronomers based in Hawaii’s Keck Observatory have confirmed the existence of the “most emotionally distant” galaxy yet.
- [Life Expectancy of Westboro Baptists Less Than Life Expectancy of Picket Signs](https://theineptowl.com/2013/05/04/life-expectancy-westboro-baptists-life-expectancy-picket-signs/) - Westboro Baptist Church members have less members than signs these days.
- [Facebook Phone Fails, Other Social Media Phones Abandoned](https://theineptowl.com/2013/05/13/facebook-phone-fails-social-media-phones-abandoned/) - The failure of the HTC first, aka Facebook Phone, shows that consumers don't necessarily want a phone for each social media application.
- [New Benghazi Report Offers Shocking Plot Twists and Holes](https://theineptowl.com/2013/05/17/benghazi-report-offers-shocking-plot-twists-holes/) - Recently leaked government emails have revealed some potential involvement in a large-scale cover-up of ground-breaking plot twists in Benghazi.
- [TIME Magazine Demands 20-Somethings “Get Off (Their) Lawn”](https://theineptowl.com/2013/05/17/time-magazine-demands-20somethings-lawn/) - TIME Magazine Demands 20-Somethings “Get Off (Their) Lawn”, with no lawn to be found.
- [President Obama Comes Out of Conservative Closet](https://theineptowl.com/2013/05/28/president-obama-conservative-closet/) - With the latest scandal surrounding the IRS and Associated Press, political wonder if President Obama may be celebrating Halloween early.
- [Gun Nuts Attempt to Ruin 3D Printers for Everyone](https://theineptowl.com/2013/06/03/attempt-raise-awareness-technology-dick-texans-ruin/) - Even a mention on the show The Big Bang Theory cannot save 3D printers from gun nuts.
- [Senate Passes "No Soup for You" Bill](https://theineptowl.com/2013/06/04/senate-passes-soup-bill/) - Criminals lose food stamps thanks to Senate approval on a George Carlin joke.
- [Buzzfeed Editor Pitches List of the Best Lists of the Best Lists on the Internet](https://theineptowl.com/2013/06/05/buzzfeed-editor-pitches-list-lists-lists-internet/) - Internet lists become a paradox of usefulness.
- [Mayor Bloomberg Receives Meat, Cigarettes in Mail](https://theineptowl.com/2013/06/06/begins-mailing-junk-mayor-bloomberg/) - Other groups have begun mailing Mayor Bloomberg dangerous products, like tobacco, trans fat, and meat.
- [Florida Police Thwart Brutally Adorable Puppy Attack](https://theineptowl.com/2013/06/10/florida-police-thwart-brutally-adorable-puppy-attack/) - No one is safe from cute puppies. Last week, police officers in Miami, FL did something about it.
- [The NSA is Your New Facebook Friend](https://theineptowl.com/2013/06/11/nsa-facebook-friend/) - The NSA has recently begun measure to prove that spying and national security can be hip and fun!
- [Summer Brings More Positive Outlooks, Time Spent Outdoors, Horrible Spiders](https://theineptowl.com/2013/06/18/summer-brings-positive-outlooks-time-spent-outdoors-horrible-spiders/) - Summer weather, beach outings, and barbeques are marred by spider attacks.
- [Economic Rebound Restarts Local Man's Debt Cycle](https://theineptowl.com/2013/06/19/economic-rebound-restarts-local-mans-debt-cycle/) - The latest rise in the United States economy leads to more debt blunders.
- [Texas Senate Aborts Abortion Bill Banning Abortions](https://theineptowl.com/2013/06/26/texas-senate-aborts-abortion-bill/) - The Senate in Texas ironically aborted its abortion bill, banning abortion.
- [DOMA Crippled: Christian Right Prepares for Gay Apocalypse](https://theineptowl.com/2013/06/27/doma-overturned-christian-prepares-gay-apocalypse/) - With DOMA crippled by Supreme Court's decision on Proposition 8, members of the Christian right begin gathering supplies for gay apocalypse.
- [Beauty Pageants Changing Question Portion In Wake of Recent Gaffe](https://theineptowl.com/2013/06/28/beauty-pageants-changing-question-portion-wake-gaffe/) - After the airing of the most recent Miss USA pageant, in which hopeful Miss Utah flubbed a question on equal pay for women in the workforce, pageant organizers are beginning to rethink the Q&A portions of this and other pageants.
- [Death Valley Records High Summer Temperatures. Sky Still Blue](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/01/death-valley-records-high-temperatures-sky-blue/) - Special News Report! It's hot in the summer!
- [Zimmerman Defense Lawyer Follows Up Knock-Knock Joke With Stand-up Set](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/03/zimmerman-defense-lawyer-knockknock-joke-90minute-standup-set/) - Knock Knock. Who's there? 25-Life. George Zimmerman comedy tour continues through his trial.
- [Republicans Unleash George W. Bush on Democrats](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/10/republicans-unleash-george-bush-democrats/) - If you can't beat them, join them. Or have George W. Bush join them so you can beat them. The Republicans may use this ploy to defeat immigration reform.
- [Weiner and Spitzer Slam Into NY Political Races](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/11/weiner-spitzer-slam-ny-political-races/) - In a battle of double entendres, Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner are gearing up for political campaigns in New York.
- [Zimmerman Leaves Courthouse, Shoots 5 People Giving Him Stink Eye](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/13/zimmerman-leaves-courthouse-shoots-5-people-giving-stink-eye/) - George Zimmerman was found not guilty in the murder of Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman celebrated the verdict by shooting 5 people who looked at him funny.
- [People Now Wondering Where They Can Go Without Shit Exploding](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/16/people-wondering-shit-exploding/) - Following the latest tragedy of the Boeing 777 plane crash in San Francisco, concerned Americans are now wondering if there is anywhere they can go without something exploding.
- [Zimmerman to Pitch Stand Your Ground Reality Show](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/19/zimmerman-pitch-stand-ground-reality-show/) - George Zimmerman may be pitching his own reality TV show, Stand Your Ground, where he aggravates children, the elderly, and pets in order to stand his ground.
- [No, You Can't Buy Detroit for a Dollar](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/21/bankruptcy-buy-detroit-dollar/) - Contrary to internet pop culture belief brought on by Bixby Snyder in RoboCop, no, you can't buy Detroit for a dollar after bankruptcy.
- [Royal Baby to be Sacrificed for Immortality of Queen Elizabeth II](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/22/royal-baby-sacrificed-immortality-queen-elizabeth-ii/) - The royal baby has finally been born. The next question is, when will Queen Elizabeth II feast on the newborn's blood to gain true immortality?
- [Royal Family Set to Visit Royal Baby](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/23/royal-family-visit-royal-baby/) - The Royal Family lineage goes through growing pains with the birth of the royal baby.
- [NYC Mayoral Race Heats Up As Weiner Faces Opposition From Carlos Danger](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/26/nyc-mayoral-race-heats-weiner-faces-opposition-carlos-danger/) - In an epic failure to change the public focus on his...political leanings, Anthony Weiner has revealed that Carlos danger is actually his opposition in the race for NYC mayor.
- [Rush Limbaugh to be Replaced by Rusho Limbaguez on Radio](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/30/rush-limbaugh-replaced-rusho-limbaguez-radio/) - Move over, Rush Limbaugh. Rusho Limbaguez may be taking your radio slot.
- [George Clooney Prepares to Play George Clooney in George Clooney](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/01/george-clooney-prepares-play-george-clooney-george-clooney/) - George Clooney continues his reign as most narcissistic celebrity in Holywood.
- [Pope Francis Progressive in Catholic Church by Saying the Word Gay](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/05/pope-francis-progressive-catholic-church-gay/) - The Catholic Church made huge strides toward being like everyone else when Pope Francis said the word, "gay."
- [Mayan Pyramid Holds Bieber Carvings, New End of the World Prophecy](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/08/mayan-pyramid-holds-bieber-carvings-world-prophecy/) - Bieber Fever may have reached as far as the Mayan Dynasty.
- [Organized Crime Struggles to Stay Popular](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/12/organized-crime-struggles-stay-popular/) - With the jury having all but a verdict in the trial of Whitey Bulger, the glory days of American organized crime may be coming to an end.
- [Man Claims There is Nothing to Do, Entire Earth Exists Around Him](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/13/man-claims-entire-earth-exists/) - On a recent day off from work Chicago resident Dale Woodruff claimed that there was“nothing to do despite an entire Earth full of endless possibilities.
- [Yelena Isinbayeva Keeps a Straight Face While Holding a Pole](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/16/yelena-isinbayeva-straight-face-holding-pole/) - Yelena Isinbayeva promotes Russia's sexuality policy while holding a giant pole.
- [San Diego Mayor Filner to Apologize for Not Harassing Prettier Women](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/16/san-diego-mayor-filner-apologize-harassing-prettier-women/) - San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has come under fire for the alleged sexual harassment of at least 16 women over the span of at least 10 years.
- [LA Fights to Retain Crown of Worst Public Transportation in America](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/21/la-fights-retain-crown-worst-public-transportation-america/) - Los Angeles’ LACMTA service has vowed to regain the top spot again by any means necessary.
- [First Carnivorous Mammal Species Discovered in 35 Years, Public Demands Adorable YouTube Videos](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/22/carnivorous-mammal-species-discovered-americas-35-years-public-demands-adorable-youtube-videos/) - Upon recent discovery of the olinguito in the forests of Ecuador and Columbia, public demand for adorable YouTube videos of the animal has surfaced.
- [World Overreacts about Ben Affleck as Batman](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/23/world-overreacts-ben-affleck-batman/) - The news is out, leading to the crying, complaining, and threatened harakiri of Batman fans across the globe: Ben Affleck is the next incarnation of Batman.
- [Students Rally Against Progress](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/29/students-rally-progress/) - After more evidence surfaced for an additional element, students across the nation have banded together to protest the possible change to the periodic table.
- [Operation Miley seen by DoD as Huge Success](https://theineptowl.com/2013/08/30/operation-miley-dod-huge-success/) - Pentagon leaders have issued a statement commending the actions of Miley Cyrus at the MTV Video Music Awards last week.
- [Russell Brand to Kickstart Apathetic Revolution](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/26/russell-brand-kickstart-apathetic-revolution/) - Comedian-turned political theorist Russell Brand fired the latest shot of a revolution. An apathetic, philosophical revolution, but a revolution nonetheless.
- [Cat Fans Protest Internet Takeover by Giraffes](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/29/cat-fans-protest-internet-takeover-giraffes/) - A virus has begun to spread at an alarming rate that just may threaten all that we love and hold dear on the internet. The affliction? Giraffe pictures.
- [Say It with Star Wars: Halloween](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/29/star-wars-halloween/) - Sometimes it's hard to place Star Wars references into a holiday. Halloween is almost impossible
- [Scientists Celebrate Failure to Find Jack Shit in Dark Matter](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/30/scientists-celebrate-failure-find-jack-sht-dark-matter/) - Scientists were proud to exclaim that they haven't found jack shit in evidence of dark matter using the LUX.
- [Russia Pleads for Snowden to Release Bogus Secrets on Website](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/04/edward-snowden-finds-job-russia/) - Edward Snowden begins work on Russian website. Russian government hopes to release fake secrets.
- [Congress Celebrates Survival of Election Day 2013](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/06/members-congress-celebrate-survival-election-day-2013/) - All current members of the United States House of Representatives and the Senate were victorious in protecting their seats for Election Day 2013.
- [North Koreans Executed for Watching George Clooney Movies](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/12/north-korea-executions-movies/) - North Korea continued to put more pressure over its people as, earlier this month, eighty people were executed in public displays for watching George Clooney movies.
- [Cards Against Humanity Releases Holiday Bullsh*t](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/13/cards-humanity-releases-holiday-bullshit/) - The good people of Cards Against Humanity have released a treat for only the bravest derelicts. It's called "12 Days of Bullshit" where, for $12, they will send you 12 gifts over 12 days starting in early December.
- [Special Agent Found Tied Up in Rucksack, Weighted Down with Cinder Blocks, and Locked Up With Chains' Death Likely “Accidental”](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/15/special-agent-tied-rucksack-weighted-cinder-blocks-locked-chains-death-accidental/) - After a full investigation, City of London Chief Inspector David Hammond has ruled the death of MI6 agent Richard Moore a “very unfortunate accident.”
- [Storm Leads to Tornadoes, Death, and Fallen Leaves Right Where Local Man Raked](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/18/storm-leads-tornadoes-death-fallen-leaves-local-man-raked/) - On Sunday, a fast-moving storm lead to the development of a delay in the Chicago Bears game, fallen leaves, as well as a few tornadoes and human casualties.
- [Tea Party Congressman Trey Radel Becomes Bored with Tea, Opts for Cocaine](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/20/tea-party-congressman-cocaine/) - The Tea Party contemplates a name change after congressmember Trey Radel's recent charge of cocaine possession.
- [George Zimmerman Currently On Front Lawn Digging Massive Hole](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/22/george-zimmerman-front-lawn-digging-massive-hole/) - George Zimmerman, arrested once again, is out on his front lawn digging a very large hole and does not show any signs of stopping.
- [Dick Cousin Refuses to Pass Gravy on Thanksgiving](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/29/cousin-not-passing-gravy-thanksgiving/) - Preliminary reports for Thanksgiving indicate that dick cousin Andrew McDonald refused to pass anyone the gravy boat.
- [Cyber Monday Concludes with Minimal Casualties](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/03/cyber-monday-casualties/) - Following the flashier, bloodier, more popular Black Friday, the digital door-busting shopping day Cyber Monday once again concluded with minimal casualties.
- [Santorum Compares Mandela's Fight Against Apartheid to First World US Problems](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/06/santorum-compares-mandelas-fight-apartheid-world-problems/) - Rick Santorum recently compared Nelson Mandela to the crusty old white men of Congress in a declaration of honor.
- [Lawmakers Pass Landmark Toy Gun Control Law](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/12/lawmakers-pass-landmark-toy-gun-control-law/) - The Nerf Nerf™ Act, requires those interested in owning a toy gun to pass an extensive background check.
- [Volcker Rule Raises Eyes in Banks, Vegas](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/13/volcker-rule-raises-eyes-banks-vegas/) - Las Vegas, NV: With the adoption of the Volcker Rule, set to be implemented in 2015, banks aren't the only companies scurrying for shelter.
- [Signer at Mandela Memorial Apologizes for "Fat Space Omelette"](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/13/signer-mandela-memorial-apologizes-fat-space-omelette/) - The sign language interpreter at the memorial for Nelson Mandela apologized for his recent misinterpretations such as Fat Space Omelette.
- [War on Christmas Portrays Historical Discrimination Against Rich, White, Christian Men](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/16/war-christmas-portrays-historical-discrimination-rich-white-christian-men/) - Look out, minorities. There's a new socially maligned group in the United States, and they're not going to take it anymore: rich, white, Christian men.
- [Volcker Rule Requires Bankers to Pinky-Swear Not to Crash Economy](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/16/volcker-rule-requires-bankers-pinkyswear-crash-economy/) - The Volcker Rule provides for oversight of the banking industry from those most qualified to do so: bankers.
- [Paul Walker Death Apparently Not Related to International Street Racing Crime Sydicate](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/03/paul-walker-death-apparently-related-international-street-racing-crime-sydicate/) - Paul Walker died in a car crash on Saturday, leading many to wonder if it had to do with a rival street racing team from Russia or China.
- [Walmart Announces Extension of Black Friday](https://theineptowl.com/2013/12/02/walmart-announces-extension-black-friday/) - In an announcement drowned out by gunfire and screams from rabid shoppers, we learn that Black Week is the extension of the savings so popular with consumers.
- [Sh*t Sh*t Says](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/31/sht-sht/) - For the past month we have been inundated with more sh*t people say than we know what to do with; New Yorkers; chicks; hipsters; gay people; people watching clips of sh*t people say; cats. Now, we give the gag the classy send-off it deserves in the most epically ridiculous way. You're welcome.
- [Blockbuster Reminds Customers of Existence by Closing Stores](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/06/blockbuster-remind-customers-existence-closing-stores/) - Blockbuster surprised consumers by alerting them to the fact that, yes, Blockbuster is still in business before closing the rest of the company's stores.
- [Vote to Extend Breaking Bad Goes Unheeded](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/06/vote-extend-breaking-bad-unheeded/) - The American public became just a bit more jaded by politics yesterday as the most coordinated write-in vote in the history of US elections was left ignored.
- [Johnson & Johnson Discontinues Antipsychotics for Kids Line](https://theineptowl.com/2013/11/06/johnson-johnson-discontinues-antipsychotics-kids-line/) - Johnson & Johnson has announced its decision to suspend its effort to market antipsychotics to children.
- [Say It with Star Wars: Thanksgiving](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/22/star-wars-thanksgiving/) - Sometimes it's hard to place Star Wars references into a holiday. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays.
- [Halloween Costumes for the Poor and Sarcastic: 2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/11/halloween-costumes-sarcastic-2011/) - This year, we're being pro-active in our approach to Halloween by telling you all what the top costumes of the season will be for the sarcastic.
- [Protesters Attack Columbus Day](https://theineptowl.com/2008/10/13/protestrs-attack-columbus-day/) - Protesters of the Columbus Day Parade in New York rallied together in order to express their disgust at what Christopher Columbus means to many Americans.
- [Local Idiot Prepares for Canadian Thanksgiving](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/10/local-idiot-prepares-canadian-thanksgiving/) - Some people are better off not even trying to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving
- [Team "We Luv Boobies" Joins Walk for Breast Cancer](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/30/team-luv-boobies-breast-cancer/) - The male staffers at The Inept Owl vow to save all the boobies.
- [Robots Revealed that Cannot be Pushed Over, have Cupholders](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/11/robotics-company-reveals-robots-pushed-cupholders/) - In an effort to showcase the most useless ideas in robotics, Boston Dynamics unveiled Atlas and WildCat.
- [Proprietors of Kobuk Valley National Park Unaware of Any Changes](https://theineptowl.com/2013/10/03/proprietors-kobuk-valley-national-park-unaware/) - After the U.S. government shut down, proprietors of Kobuk Valley National Park, one of the least visited national parks in the US, are unaware of changes.
- [Celebrate Blood Night: A Movie Review](https://theineptowl.com/2009/10/20/blood-night-movie-review/) - Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet brings us a movie made by horror aficionado/director Frank Sabatella.
- [Jason VS Rebecca Black](https://theineptowl.com/2012/04/13/jason-rebecca-black/) - It's Friday! Friday! Gotta go die on Friday!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 7-22-2013](https://theineptowl.com/2013/07/22/horrible-horoscopes-week-7222013/) - Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.
- [HBO's Game of Thrones Explained...with Beer](https://theineptowl.com/2011/06/22/hbos-game-thrones-explainedwith-beer/) - Comparing television characters to beer never felt so right.
- [Rick Perry Bus Mix-Up Starts Off Tour](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/14/rick-perry-bus-mixup-starts-tour/) - Council Bluffs, IA: Texas Governor Rick Perry gave his presidential campaign a jump-start today with the beginning of a 42-city tour in Iowa in order to strengthen his bid during the Iowa caucuses. Unfortunately, the tour stalled for a moment, when on of Perry's slick media transportation bus allegedly ran into electrical problems, forcing a replacement to be found. The replacement: a 2-tiered rainbow-colored British tour bus that public relations agents quickly draped with Rick Perry logos
- [Wilfred VS A Boy and His Dog: A Ridiculous Psychoanalysis](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/15/wilfred-boy-dog-psychoanalysis/) - How deep does Wilfred go? We put it up against the film, A Boy and His Dog, to find out!
- [Bourne Smart](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/30/bourne-smart/) - When I was a kid, I was obsessed with "Get Smart." I remember getting teased one day in class when as part of a game, I named it as a favorite TV show, and people laughed thinking it was some nerdy show that literally had to do with getting smarter. (We were supposed to draw a picture representing the show and someone drew a brain.) I don't know if loving a 1965 TV series is any more cool for an 8th grader than loving a "getting smarter" show, so I didn't press the point.
- [Florida Man Decides Bangladesh Ain’t No Real Place](https://theineptowl.com/2013/05/01/florida-man-decides-bangladesh-aint-real-place/) - Some people have begun wondering if Bangladesh is a city in India or an imaginary place. All are wrong.
- [Hummus Becomes No. 1 Public Health Concern](https://theineptowl.com/2013/05/06/hummus-1-public-health-concern/) - The dangers of hummus addiction are many and messy.
- [George W Bush Opens Library of 'Merica](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/26/george-bush-opens-library-merica/) - After the dedication of the George Bush Library and Museum, Bush gained even more fans of comedy, including current president Barack Obama.
- [Vegan Angry After Being Served Grass-Fed Wheatgrass](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/26/vegan-angry-served-grassfed-wheatgrass/) - Ultra Vegans gone wild! Well, in context.
- [Americans Mistake Chechens for Alien Race in Defiance](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/24/americans-mistake-chechens-alien-race-defiance/) - Most Americans can't tell the difference between Chechens and Castithans.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 4-15-2013](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/20/horrible-horoscopes-week-4152013/) - Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.
- [Curt Shilling Alive and Well Annoying Public after Boston Bombing](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/24/curt-shilling-alive-annoying-public-boston-bombing/) - While media pictures swirled, it was found that Curt Shilling was uninjured in the bombing at the Boston Marathon. however, the status of his body double is unknown.
- [Congress Passes Gun Control](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/22/congress-passes-gun-control/) - Gun control amendment to control guns by use of guns.
- [Ryan Gosling Role of Hollywood Hottie to be Filled by Joe Schmo](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/23/local-man-fill-ryan-goslings-shoes-actor-takes-break/) - Ryan Gosling plans to take a break from acting, prompting a local Florida man to take on duties as "hot guy of Hollywood".
- [Boston Marathon Cowboy to get Own TV Doctor Series](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/21/boston-marathon-cowboy-tv-doctor-series/) - You have all seen the guy in the cowboy hat helping out during the explosion at the Boston Marathon. Now we can see him on TV! Hopefully...
- [MLB Baseball: Parody Rankings Week 3](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/19/mlb-baseball-parody-rankings-week-3/) - Your weekly analysis of mockery for every baseball team in the MLB.
- [Disney Versions of Star Wars and Other Lucas Films to Fear](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/24/disney-versions-star-wars-lucas-films-fear/) - When Disney first bought out Lucasfilm back in October, Star Wars fans cringed at the initial thought of the family-friendly animation juggernaut getting its hands on their reason for living. I was among them. Then our fears were lessened when the first thing Disney did was stop the latest redux of the Star Wars franchise,
- [The Cynical Comedian's View on Gay Marriage](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/26/cynical-comedian-view-gay-marriage/) - While the Supreme Court justices decide how to vote to repeal Proposition 8 without looking too "gay", and how to vote to keep Proposition 8 without looking too ridiculous, we went ahead and found some clips of people who really put the idea of gay marriage in perspective: comedians. Louis C.K. "It doesn't have ANY
- [Rutgers Coach Mike Rice Fined & Suspended for Impersonating Bobby Knight](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/03/rutgers-coach-mike-rice-fined-suspended-impersonating-bobby-knight/) - Newark, NJ: The biggest news in college basketball may be a different type of March Madness than the NCAA championship tournament, as Rutgers University men's basketball coach Mike Rice was fined and suspended. The disciplinary actions came when ESPN publicized found footage of Rice physically and verbally abusing players during multiple practices. Now the question
- [North Korea to US: We Could Totally Kick Your Ass. We Just Don't Feel Like It Right Now](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/04/north-korea-totally-kick-ass-feel/) - Washington, DC: Today, officials in North Korea issued a strongly worded threat to the US assuring Americans that the North Korean military power is much stronger than theirs. The exact words of the message were, “We could totally kick your ass if we wanted to.” The message continues, outlining some of the high tech war
- [Assh*les Unite Against Sodomy](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/15/asshles-unite-sodomy/) - Anti-sodomy is the focused aim for Ken Cuccinelli.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 4-11-2013](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/11/horrible-horoscopes-week-4112013/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw uses astrology to tell us our horrible horoscopes.
- [MLB Baseball: Parody Rankings Week 2](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/14/mlb-baseball-parody-rankings-week-2/) - The Parody version of MLB baseball power rankings.
- [Kevin Ware Wimps Out, Louisville Limps into Final Four](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/02/kevin-ware-wimps-louisville-limps-final-4/) - Indianapolis, IN: This weekend, the Louisville Cardinals eked out a win against Duke to limp into the NCAA Final Four. While the win may be huge, there is one story that eclipses all other news: Kevin Ware, and his inability to finish off a game. Louisville survived lack-luster play by sophomore guard Kevin Ware, who
- [Bill Gates Offers $100k to Get Nerds Laid, Condoms](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/26/bill-gates-offers-100k-nerds-laid-condoms/) - Seattle, WA: This week, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announced a $100,000 grant to whoever can create the new generation of condoms. Gates, being the chairman of Microsoft, will likely be looking for something as innovative and efficiently designed as the Windows operating system. In a press conference Monday, Gates told reporters, “I’m looking
- [Mississippi Rallies Behind Obesity](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/21/mississippi-rallies-obesity/) - Jackson, MS: This week, Governor Phil Bryant signed into law a ban on regulation of portion size and nutrition, officially endorsing Mississipians' rights to eat themselves into a coma. The ban is a huge win for pro-obesity groups, breathing new life into a movement that has become embattled ever since the public began to wonder
- [MLB Baseball: Parody Rankings Week 1](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/30/mlb-baseball-parody-rankings/) - The MLB season is set to begin this Sunday. On Easter. At the same time season 3 of Game of Thrones will premiere. So if that's not enough to mock professional baseball, we give you our version of Power Rankings, a version that really has no power at all. Unless, of course, you pump it
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 4-1-2013](https://theineptowl.com/2013/04/02/horrible-horoscopes-week-412013/) - The stars are angry, my friends. I can tell because of my telescope, not because I can see them up close. No, I keep the view protector on, so I can't see a damn thing. No, I feel the stars, like a good astrologist. Here is what I feel about your horoscopes.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-25-2013](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/26/horrible-horoscopes-week-3252013/) - Fortune cookies are played out. Instead, live your life based on what I say. Trust me. I'm an astrologist. I have the on-line diploma to prove it. So, here are this week's horrible horoscopes! ____________________________________________________________________________ ARIES Your energy requires a bit of a push in order to get moving,
- [Vatican Selects New Old White Guy to Preside over Week of Media Relevancy](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/14/vatican-selects-white-guy-preside-week-media-relevancy/) - Vatican City, Italy: In a groundbreaking move, an enclave of cardinals selected a wrinkled old 76-year-old white man to replace their broken down 85-year-old white man. Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina will henceforth be known as Pope Francis the First and will be in the top ten Google search results for the next week, right
- [Jonathan Lipnicki Named Time Magazine's Person of the Year](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/21/jonathan-lipnicki-named-time-magazines-person-year/) - Decatur, IL: Jonathan Lipnicki, the diminutive star of Jerry Maguire and The Jeff Foxworthy Show has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year for 2013. Lipnicki, who at 22 is only 5'3," was overjoyed when presented with the news. "I've been a runner-up for three years in a row," said Lipnicki, who is currently
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-18-2013](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/20/horrible-horoscopes-week-3182013/) - Well readers, I'm back. After going to Psychic School for a year (yes, it IS a thing), I have returned to do what I do best: tell you how to live your life, week to week, for the better. Or worse. Whatever I feel like, really. So, here are this week's horrible horoscopes!
- [Kim Kardashian May Not Be Kim Kardashian](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/15/kim-kardashian-kim-kardashian/) - Los Angeles, CA: As the divorce proceedings between Brooklyn Nets power forward Kris Humphries and unreality TV star Kim Kardashian continue, evidence has come to light that could prove that the marriage between the two was based on fraud. Allegations include testimony that the marriage proposal was re-shot to feature Kim Kardashian's horrible acting skills,
- [Papal Possibilities for New Pope](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/12/papal-possibilities-pope/) - Vatican City: The stage is set for the successor of Pope Benedict XVI, as the 115 cardinals of the papal conclave met in Rome today to begin proceedings that will elect a new pope. Who could be the next man, or woman, to don the pope hat? We have some ideas. These men and women
- [Sequester Season: Tips for Falling off the Cliff](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/12/sequester-season-tips-falling-cliff/) - Washington DC: On Thursday, President Obama signed into effect the spending cuts known officially as the sequester and unofficially as the collapse of the American Empire. There were tear-filled eyes in the Oval Office, especially John Boehner, who said in a tearful comment to reporters that he’s just glad they didn’t put in any cuts
- [Marco Rubio Pledges to be More Latino, Moist](https://theineptowl.com/2013/02/27/marco-rubio-pledges-latino-moist/) - Tallahassee, Florida: In a press conference today in his home state, Senator Marco Antonio Ricardo Carlos Velasquez Rubio announced that he was going “Full-Latino”, adding at the end of his statement, “chicos”. The conference was held inside of a Cuban restaurant and press members were required to ask their questions in Spanish or at least
- [Local Jerk Plans Itinerary for Titanic II](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/06/local-jerk-plans-itinerary-titanic-ii/) - New York, NY: When the world learned that Australian billionaire Clive Palmer was building a replica of the biggest disaster to ever float through the sea, most people believed that he was spitting in the face of destiny and leaving cab-fare on the night-stand. The idea of re-making a ship that sunk, leading to the
- [Andy Dick to Star in Andy Dick Biopic as Andy Dick](https://theineptowl.com/2013/03/12/andy-dick-star-andy-dick-biopic-andy-dick/) - Los Angeles, CA: After three years of negotiation with Dreamworks, Hollywood Legend Andy Dick has finally agreed to star in an upcoming film about his life. According to sources, Steven Spielberg has agreed to direct the film and has hired Frank Darabont, the screenwriter for Shawshank Redemption and creator of The Walking Dead to pen
- [Richard Sherman to Become Next Terrell Owens: Old Popcorn](https://theineptowl.com/2013/02/21/richard-sherman-terrell-owens-popcorn/) - Twitterverse, TWITTER: Few NFL athletes have inspired the amount of anger and disgust that Terrell Owens has. From players to coaches to fans, T.O. has succeeded in alienating just about everyone. Even the Buffalo Bills couldn't stand him which, at the time, was akin to being cast away by the Kansas City Chiefs or Jacksonville
- [State of the Union 2013: Obama and the GOP Find Common Ground in Finger-Pointing](https://theineptowl.com/2013/02/15/state-union-2013-obama-gop-find-common-ground-fingerpointing/) - Washington, DC: Obama’s state of the union speech and the GOP’s response agreed on a common point: That it’s all the other guy’s fault. Obama came out smiling and looking natural even though he wasn’t allowed to roll up his sleeves. He shook his head at the Republicans in the room, pointed at them and
- [Businessman Sells Canned Air in China: Coca-Cola, Pepsi and Nestlé Vie for Patent](https://theineptowl.com/2013/02/07/businessman-sells-canned-air-china-cocacola-pepsi-nestle-vie-patent/) - Beijing, CHINA: For many, the news that Chinese multimillionaire Chen Guangbiao was selling cans of pristine air in China followed with laughs usually leading to a reference to Mel Brooks' Spaceballs. Some, however, could take the opportunity to make this environmental satire into reality. The world watched in awe as it learned that Chinese multimillionaire
- [US Government Cites Lemon Law Against S&P](https://theineptowl.com/2013/02/06/government-cites-lemon-law-sp/) - Los Angeles, CA: “Toxic” mortgages have long been one of the associated problems that helped jump-start the 2008 financial crisis. The United States government finally went into action against a major credit rating agency for the first time since this economic turbulence in filing a civil action against debt rating agency Standard & Poor’s. What
- [Super Bowl XLVII Blackout Blamed on Terrorists, Beyoncé’s Dress](https://theineptowl.com/2013/02/05/super-bowl-xlvii-blackout-blamed-terrorists-beyonces-dress/) - New Orleans, LA: On Sunday, a nation of viewers tuned in to witness two things unable to hold a charge, one expected and one unexpected. The expected power outage was the Baltimore Ravens in the second half. The unexpected one was the Superdome lighting. Fans were forced to endure thirty minutes of sports commentators explaining
- [Jon Stewart On Iran’s Space Monkey: ‘Dud’ Or ‘First All-Primate Orbital Cosmetic Surgery Spa'](https://theineptowl.com/2013/02/05/jon-stewart-irans-space-monkey-dud-allprimate-orbital-cosmetic-surgery-spa/) - In the aftermath of Iran’s announcement that the country’s space program succeeded in launching a monkey into space last week, skeptics had come forward in their belief that the mission’s success was a hoax due to the differences in facial features of the monkey in photographs. The most glaring difference was that the monkey launched
- [HOLY SH*T: Star Wars 3D Regurgitation Postponed](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/29/holy-sht-star-wars-3d-regurgitation-postponed/) - In A Galaxy We Thought Was Far, Far Away: When Disney first acquired Lucasfilm and all rights attached to the company, many a Star Wars fan were fearful of what could become of their beloved franchise. Fears ranged from the series being shelved to being fully animated to heralding the comeback of Mickey Mouse. When
- [Sad Tom Brady Replaced by Sweep the Leg Tommy](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/22/sad-tom-brady-replaced-sweep-leg-tommy/) - The AFC Championship match-up between the Baltimore Ravens and New England Patriots last weekend had all of the hype of its NFC counter-part between the San Francisco 49ers and Atlanta Falcons. Luckily, both games lived up to their hype as the Kaepernick train rolled on and the Ravens proved once again that defense trumps offense.
- [Ed Hochuli Only Member of NFL Taking Pro Bowl Seriously](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/28/ed-hochuli-member-nfl-pro-bowl/) - Honolulu, HI: While most fans, players, coaches, owners, towel boys, and Roger Goodell had all but written off the Pro Bowl to be gone after this year, there was one man that held out in the hopes of the Pro Bowl gaining some sort of legitimacy. This man as been known to bring his own
- [Opponents to Women in Military Insist They’re Not Misogynists](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/30/opponents-women-military-insist-theyre-misogynists/) - All across the country, people have been reacting to Defense Secretary Leon Panetta’s announcement last week that officially rescinded the rule banning women from serving in combat positions. This decision came about due to an issue with the rule, namely that no one was following it. However, military protocol when dealing with an internal problem
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: SUPER BOWL XLVII](https://theineptowl.com/2013/02/03/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-super-bowl-xlvii/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. The road to Super Bowl XLVII is littered with ridiculousness, and now we are at the gateway to
- [Coach Obama's Locker Room Inauguration Speech](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/25/coach-obamas-locker-room-inauguration-speech/) - Washington, DC: A crowd of not-so-many supporters gathered on the not-as-cold mall to watch the not-as-exciting Obama become the 44th President, take two, of the United States. It was a difficult atmosphere for the President, bottom of the 4th year of recession, two wars down, with Congress continually fumbling the ball and Reid and Boehner
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: AFC/NFC Championships](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/20/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-afcnfc-championships/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. The road to Super Bowl XLVII is littered with ridiculousness, and now we are at the gateway to
- [Oregon Bill Introduces New Era of Taxes on Not Doing Stuff](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/16/oregon-bill-introduces-era-taxes-stuff/) - Salem, OR: In the upcoming legislative session, Oregon lawmakers are set to consider imposing a tax on fuel-efficient vehicles for revenue lost from drivers not purchasing gasoline. The law would affect any vehicles getting over 55 miles per gallon, which means drivers of most hybrids and electric vehicles, the same people who take jobs away
- [Brooklyn Nets Fail to Win Championship Mid-Season, Fire Avery Johnson](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/02/brooklyn-nets-fail-win-championship-midseason-fire-avery-johnson/) - Brooklyn, NY: After a little over two years, massive personnel changes, and a team move in the past off-season, the goal of owners Jay Z and Mikhail Prokhorov, and the entire metro area of NY that aren't Knicks fans to win the NBA championship halfway through the season was deserted with the firing of coach
- [NRA Proposes New Solution: Weaponized Schoolchildren](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/02/nra-proposes-solution-weaponized-schoolchildren/) - Washington, DC: NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre, who was brought out of his concrete bunker last week, has proposed to Congress that schoolchildren be prepared to avoid another tragedy like Newton. In the wake of the Connecticut shooting, the NRA has been at the forefront of the movement to keep our children safe, fulfilling their
- [NHL & Gary Bettman Remind Most Men of a Date Tease](https://theineptowl.com/2012/12/17/nhl-gary-bettman-remind-men-date-tease/) - New York, NY: "I Hope They Have Hockey in Hell, because it’s not here on earth!” So said a guy (let’s call him “Random Guy”) that “Inept Owl” caught up to at a “Blarney Stone” bar last week; sitting at a table, gazing at a TV screen and muttering, “Why are we watching some show
- [Bad Sex Leads to Ass-Kickings by Ronda Rousey](https://theineptowl.com/2012/12/03/bad-sex-leads-asskickings-ronda-rousey/) - Los Angeles, CA: Science seemed to win again this past week as the UFC women's champion who seems to break as many hearts as arms, Ronda Rousey, spoke once again about her sexual tendencies before a fight. On Jim Rome's Showtime show, Rousey explained that, "For girls, it raises your testosterone, so I try to
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Divisional Round Playoffs](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/11/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-divisional-playoffs/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. It's the Divisional round of the playoffs, and our analysts are hard at work squeezing those last
- [Sir Paul McCartney Pees on Kurt Cobain Legacy in Nirvana Reunion](https://theineptowl.com/2012/12/13/sir-paul-mccartney-pees-kurt-cobain-legacy-nirvana-reunion/) - New York, NY: Sir Paul McCartney released the rumor that he would be playing with the surviving members of grunge rock group Nirvana hours before the Hurricane Sandy Relief concert at Madison Square Garden in an attempt to do what Kurt Cobain would never do: market to the masses. McCartney stated, "I didn’t really know
- [Congress Debates Cliff-ness of Fiscal Cliff](https://theineptowl.com/2012/12/10/congress-debates-cliffness-fiscal-cliff/) - Washington, DC: In a display of focus and efficiency that has been characteristic of the US Congress, our elected officials have buckled down for a vigorous debate on what the impending economic disaster should be called. Republicans have insisted that a proper term for fiscal collapse should be assigned before any discussion on how to
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 17](https://theineptowl.com/2012/12/30/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-17/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. Now the only analyst that is over .500 is our British sportscaster Rob Wheatley, proving that Americans
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Wildcard Round](https://theineptowl.com/2013/01/05/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-wildcard/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. It's Wildcard weekend as the playoffs are under way, which is one of the most exciting times
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 16](https://theineptowl.com/2012/12/21/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-16/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. Now the only analyst that is over .500 is our British sportscaster Rob Wheatley, proving that Americans
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 15](https://theineptowl.com/2012/12/14/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-15/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. Our token Brit Rob Wheatley to the top of the leader-board, and everyone else is finally above
- [NY Jets Mark Sanchez Clipboard Leaked](https://theineptowl.com/2012/12/03/ny-jets-mark-sanchez-clipboard-leaked/) - East Rutherford, NJ: The inevitable happened yesterday for the Jets, as starting quarterback Mark Sanchez was benched for his backup quarterback. Fortunately, Tim Tebow was inactive due to a rib injury, so the mantle of quarterback fell to second year player/first year uninjured Greg McElroy, who quickly engineered a touchdown and a Jets win. What
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 13](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/30/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-13/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. Our token Brit Rob Wheatley is back at the top of the leader-board, and everyone else is
- [Fans Gear Up for New Season of Mid-East War](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/23/fans-gear-season-mideast-war/) - Jerusalem, ISRAEL: The blogosphere and fan wiki pages are on fire with the announcement of a new season of Mid-East War, the internationally acclaimed sitcom starring the incorrigible free spirit Palestine and the loveable old grump Israel. The series has shown flagging popularity in recent years, with even loyal fans beginning to admit the justifications
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 14](https://theineptowl.com/2012/12/08/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-14/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. Our token Brit Rob Wheatley to the top of the leader-board, and everyone else is finally above
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 12](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/21/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-12-2/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. Darby Shaw has risen to the top of the leader-board, and everyone else is finally above .500 going
- [Twinkie Hoarding By Fat Mess Validated](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/16/twinkie-hoarding-fat-mess-validated/) - Oshkosh, WI: It seemed that, due to urban legend, Twinkies would far outlive humanity due to their shelf-life. Due to the potential of Hostess (the makers of Twinkies and other equally processed desserts) going out of business recently, that shelf-life may be put to the test as Twinkies could become more valuable than gold. Bryan
- [Apple to Follow up iPad Mini with iPhone Mini](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/26/apple-follow-ipad-mini-iphone-mini/) - Cupertino, CA: Pre-ordering for Apple's iPad mini is well underway for the physical release November 2nd, but that shouldn't stop Apple from taking the next step as soon as possible: the iPhone mini. The iPad mini, heralded as a larger, square version of an iPhone that can't fit in your pocket or make phone calls,
- [Horrible Horoscopes: 8-23-2010](https://theineptowl.com/2010/08/24/horrible-horoscopes/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw continues his quest to run the world's future with his horrible horoscopes. Week of August 23, 2010.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: 9-6-2010](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/07/horrible-horoscopes-week-982010/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw continues his quest to run the world's future with his horrible horoscopes. Week of September 6th, 2010.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: 9-13-2010](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/14/horrible-horoscopes-9132010/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw continues his quest to run the world's future with his horrible horoscopes. Week of September 13th, 2010.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: 9-21-2010](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/21/horrible-horoscopes-9212010/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw is back to tell us what the stars say, whether we want to hear it or not. Week of September 12, 2010.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: 9-27-2010](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/28/horrible-horoscopes-week-9272010/) - Need a direction to solve life's problems? You'd be better off looking somewhere else, but here's Moonbeam Crenshaw anyway, with your horoscopes for the week of September 27th, 2010.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 10-11-10](https://theineptowl.com/2010/10/12/horrible-horoscopes-week-101110/) - After a week off to take a nap, Moonbeam Crenshaw is back with your life-altering horoscopes!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 10-18-10](https://theineptowl.com/2010/10/21/horrible-horoscopes-week-101810/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw tells us all how to live our lives by the stars.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 10-25-10](https://theineptowl.com/2010/10/26/horrible-horoscopes-week-102510/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw gives us his weekly reading of the stars...even though he lives in a city where you can hardly see them.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 11-8-10](https://theineptowl.com/2010/11/09/horrible-horoscopes-week-11810/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns in order to tell you how your week is going to go!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 11-15-10](https://theineptowl.com/2010/11/17/horrible-horoscopes-week-111510/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns with his weekly nod to horoscopes!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 11-22-10](https://theineptowl.com/2010/11/23/horrible-horoscopes-week-112210/) - Confused about love, life, and eternal happiness? So is Moonbeam Crenshaw, but he'll tell you what to do, anyway.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 11-29-10](https://theineptowl.com/2010/12/01/horrible-horoscopes-week-112910/) - Moonbeam Crenshaws tells us what the stars have to say. Trust him. He signed his own Professional Astrologist on-line certificate.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: 12-6-2010](https://theineptowl.com/2010/12/07/horrible-horoscopes-1262010/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw continues his reign of terror on your hopes and dreams in his weekly horoscopes!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 12-13-2010](https://theineptowl.com/2010/12/16/horrible-horoscopes-week-12132010/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns to tell us all what he thinks the stars are saying, and other weird voices.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 12-20-2010](https://theineptowl.com/2010/12/22/horrible-horoscopes-week-12202010/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw ignores the Winter Solstice eclipse to give his horrible horoscopes, Bella, Edward, and Jacob-free.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 1-3-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/01/04/horrible-horoscopes-week-132011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw opens up the new year with some words of wisdom.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 1-24-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/01/26/horrible-horoscopes-week-1242011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns to show how he illiterately reads the stars.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 1-31-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/02/01/horrible-horoscopes-week-1312011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw can't see the stars through a snowstorm, but he's reading them anyway!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 2-7-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/02/09/horrible-horoscopes-week-272011/) - It is the Year of the Rabbit! But since Moonbeam Crenshaw does not know where to find Chinese zodiac symbols, he is keeping with his normal horrible readings.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 2-21-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/02/23/horrible-horoscopes-week-2212011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns to tell us how to live our lives, one life at a time.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-14-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/03/15/horrible-horoscopes-week-3142011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns to tell us how the coming week will treat us!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-28-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/03/28/horrible-horoscopes-week-3282011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw reads the stars through a cloudy night in order to tell us what to expect. Allegedly.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 4-11-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/04/13/horrible-horoscopes-week-4112011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw finds a clear night, and shows his illiteracy with the stars.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 4-25-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/04/28/horrible-horoscopes-week-4252011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns as the Braille reader of the stars!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-23-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/05/23/horrible-horoscopes-week-5232011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns to explain why he knows your future better than you!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-30-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/06/01/horrible-horoscopes-week-5302011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns to give us a dose of horoscope surreality.
- [Presidential Voting Results Marred By Insanity](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/16/presidential-voting-results-marred-insanity/) - Mitt Romney called a news conference to say: “To quote that great American, Yogi Berra, ‘It ain’t over until it’s deja vu all over again and the fat Democrat lady sings—and I fire her. I have told Karl Rove and Diane Sawyer to put down their respective bottles—the election isn’t over!” Yes, it appears that
- [F-1ing About: A Comprehensive Guide to All Things F-1, Part 3](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/08/f1ing-comprehensive-guide-f1-part-3/) - Rob Wheatley continues his breakdown of that car racing circuit that Americans forget about: Formula 1! McLaren McLaren are the most successful team ever in F1, but you wouldn't think it given their recent history. It is generally recognized that they currently have the best car in F1, but due to a whole string of
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 11](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/16/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-11/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. The insanity continues into Week 11! Thursday, November 15th, 2012 VS Miami Dolphins @ Buffalo Bills LINE: Bills
- [CORRECTION: Obama Defeats Romney](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/07/correction-obama-defeats-romney/) - Chicago, IL: We here at the Inept Owl would like to apologize for our previous article, which may have insinuated somehow that Romney had won the 2012 election. We’re just trying to keep up with recent prediction trends without the use of any 3D touchscreens or full scale models of the US laid out on
- [Mitt Romney Wins 2012 Election](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/06/mitt-romney-wins-2012-election/) - Washington, DC: As of today, the election committee has called the 2012 race for Mitt Romney. After almost two years of dramatic, news-catching struggle, America finally has a new president. All across nursing homes, homesteads and all of Romney’s houses, unlicensed guns are being fired and hundred-dollar bills are being used to light cigars made
- [Hurricane Sandy Announces Support for Obama](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/01/hurricane-sandy-announces-support-obama/) - New York, NY: Today, Hurricane Sandy answered the question on everyone’s mind by endorsing Obama for president. Some may argue that the question on everyone’s mind was more likely “When will it stop?” or “What can we do to help those affected by the storm?” But those who would suggest something like that are simply
- [Lolo Jones Succeeds in Bobsledding, Fails to Chilliness](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/26/lolo-jones-succeeds-bobsledding-fails-chilliness/) - Lake Placid, NY: Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones made headlines in sports this week when she succeeded in making the jump from summer's track and field to winter's bobsledding, a jump that hadn't had so much publicity since the movie Cool Runnings. For 3 weeks, the track star trained vigorously to learn the ways of bobsledding
- [The House That Cried Blood: Not Just a Handyman's Nightmare for Halloween](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/25/house-cried-blood-handymans-nightmare/) - Our yearly heavy dose of blood is upon us, as the good people at Sideshow Pictures are hard at work producing this year's film short, The House That Cried Blood. Written and directed by Frank Sabatella (Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet and Night of the Pumpkin) with Jeremy Selenfriend (Boardwalk Empire) heading up
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 9](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/01/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-9/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. The insanity continues into Week 9! Thursday, November 1st, 2012 VS Kansas City Chiefs @ San Diego Chargers
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 10](https://theineptowl.com/2012/11/09/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-10/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. The insanity continues into Week 10! Thursday, November 9th, 2012 VS Indianapolis Colts @ Jacksonville Jaguars LINE: Colts
- [The Third Party Debate: Someone Else 2012!](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/25/party-debate-2012/) - Probably Berkeley, California: Apparently there was another debate this week, but you might not have seen it underneath the headlines about Donald Trump’s latest political analysis. Four of the major third parties gathered together to discuss what I’m sure were really important issues. We sent an intern over there, certain he’d make friends with the
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 8](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/25/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-8/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. The insanity continues into Week 8! Thursday, Octoberber 25th, 2012 VS Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Minnesota Vikings LINE:
- [Hurricane Irene to Strike Greenland with a Vengeance](https://theineptowl.com/2011/08/27/hurricane-irene-strike-greenland-vengeance/) - Quaqortoq, GREENLAND: The path of hurricane Irene has been set to ride the mid to north-eastern coast of the United States, causing residents to panic in their own ways. However, the citizens of one particular region have felt neglected ever since learning how close they would be to the path of devastation: southwest Greenland. In the closing hours before Hurricane Irene would move out to sea, the eye of the storm would be passing close to 300 miles away from Cape Farewell, the southern-most tip of Greenland ,leading to possible rain showers and winds up to 15 miles an hour.
- [Looper: The Celebrity-Stopping Sequel](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/22/looper-celebritystopping-sequel/) - Rian Johnson, director of hit sci-fi thriller “Looper,” has announced he will time travel Joe Simmons, our favorite paid assassin, to the future to “take care” of the most dangerous form of human beings that currently roam the earth: celebrities. In the sequel, Mr. Simmons is paid to correct the “wrongs” that celebrities unleash upon
- [The Second Presidential Debate: Binders Full of Women](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/18/presidential-debate-binders-full-women/) - Hempstead, New York: On Tuesday, the two presidential contenders entered the ring surrounded by a swarm of Joe-the-Plumber yahoos crying out for the blood they paid for. Romney ducked objects thrown by 47% of the crowd with George Bush-like reflexes while Obama invoked executive privilege to curb stomp a particularly unruly audience member. Eventually, the
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 7](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/18/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-7/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. The insanity continues into Week 7! Thursday, Octoberber 18th, 2012 VS Seattle Seahawks @ San Francisco 49ers LINE:
- [The Final Presidential Debate 2012: Horses and Bayonets](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/24/final-presidential-debate-2012-horses-bayonets/) - Boca Raton, Florida: On Monday, the warring candidates sat down for their third and final debate. Both knew what was at stake here. Obama was facing a resurgent Romney, whose numbers in the polls are on the rise. Experts expect him to top off at 53%, which is exactly the percentage of Americans Romney doesn’t
- [Canadians Mourn, Americans Unaware of NHL Lockout](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/09/canadians-mourn-americans-unaware-nhl-lockout/) - This week marks the beginning of at least two weeks of canceled professional hockey games due to a league-wide lockout--much to the surprise of American sports fans, who were not aware that hockey season would have started by now. On the other hand, America’s neighbor to the north has entered a collective state of mourning.
- [Night of the Pumpkin: Reclaiming What Halloween is All About](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/24/night-pumpkin-reclaiming-halloween/) - When dealing with Halloween, you're also pitting yourself against one of the fab 4 of last century's late movie monsters: Michael Meyers. How can the holiday of Halloween ever be touched again? Frank Sabatella, director of Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet, took on this challenge, and is in the process of finalizing his latest short film, Night of the Pumpkin.
- [F-1ing About: A Comprehensive Guide to All Things F-1, Part 2](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/09/f1ing-comprehensive-guide-f1-part-2/) - It's been a huge week in Formula 1 with some major driver changes for next year, most notably Lewis Hamilton's deal which will see him taking over from the legendary Michael Schumacher at Mercedes in 2013. We're all still waiting to see what the knock-on effects of this will be, so there are a few
- [Vice-Presidential Debate: Grumpy Old Man and the Numbers Guy](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/15/vicepresidential-debate-grumpy-man-numbers-guy/) - Danville, Kentucky: This past Thursday it was VP on VP action as Joe “big f—king deal” Biden and Paul “three-hour-marathon” Ryan teed off in a state known for the two things that make America great: Fried chicken and animal cruelty. Biden had some lost ground to cover after Obama lost in the last debate, according
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 6](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/11/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-6/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. The insanity continues into Week 6! Thursday, Octoberber 11th, 2012 VS Pittsburgh Steelers @ Tennessee Titans LINE: Steelers
- [Mitt Romney Occupies Sesame Street](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/05/mitt-romney-occupies-sesame-street/) - 123 Sesame Street: After stating that he loves "Big Bird" in his recent presidential debate, Mitt Romney clarified his stance on PBS. He stated, "Yes, I love Big Bird--but frankly, the rest of his furry friends are lazy squatters. For instance, Oscar the Grouch doesn't even pay property tax on a garbage can. Bert and
- [Obama VS Romney Round 1: From Anniversaries to Hating China](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/05/obama-romney-1-anniversaries-hating-china/) - Wednesday night was the first opportunity for Obama and Romney to really get to the core of the differences between their platforms. This was a real challenge for Romney, who has taken a groundbreaking approach to platform building by not building one. For Obama, it was a matter of highlighting the successes of the last
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 5](https://theineptowl.com/2012/10/04/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-5/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. The insanity continues into Week 5! Thursday, Octoberber 4th, 2012 VS Arizona Cardinals @ St. Louis Rams LINE: Cardinals
- [The 47% March On Washington](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/19/47-march-washington/) - Washington, DC: Yesterday, a little less than half the number of people that usually attend protests organized on the National Mall to demonstrate their indignation at being called victims by Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney. Romney’s gaffe came to the public’s attention last week and has been the source of some outrage, even among the
- [F-1ing About: A Comprehensive Guide to All Things F-1, Part 1](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/28/f1ing-comprehensive-guide-f1-part-1/) - On November 18th 2012, the sport of Formula One Racing returns to the USA following a break of seven years. The last race in America was the legendary ill fated Indianapolis Grand Prix of 2005, where due to a screw up over tires, only six cars competed in the race. This race is often cited
- [Chair Stuns Polls in Surprise 2012 Election Campaign](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/05/chair-stuns-polls-surprise-2012-election-campaign/) - Tampa, FL: Last week, the Republican National Committee was awarded a surprise for showing up to portray their support for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan: Clint Eastwood, talking to a chair. While many political pundits believed the event to be nothing more than a senile actor trying too hard to be funny for too long,
- [Fun With Math: NFL Officials and the End of the Lockout](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/27/fun-math-nfl-officials-lockout/) - With the NFL's lockout of the usual field officials finally over, pending that a majority of the union members sign off, we can once again enjoy professional football games without jokes about officiating taking higher standing than the actual game. Now we will complain a good percentage less, and perhaps even understand what the officials
- [Did Jesus H. Christ Have a Mrs. H. Christ?](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/28/jesus-christ-christ/) - A historian of early Christianity at Harvard Divinity School has identified a scrap of papyrus that was written in Coptic in the fourth century and contains a phrase never seen in any piece of scripture: "Jesus said to them, 'My wife …' " The faded papyrus fragment, which is smaller than a business card, also
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 4](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/27/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-4/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. The insanity continues into Week 4, as games are as sure as replacement officials are about their game
- [Review of The Avett Brothers’ “The Carpenter”](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/11/review-avett-brothers-carpenter/) - Apparently I owe my thousands of readers an apology. It appears I suck as a music reviewer. No no, please stop protesting. While I appreciate your love and support, I have been brought to task by a group of individuals far more worthy and qualified than myself: people who leave comments on the internet. I
- [The Rescue of Honey Boo Boo](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/14/rescue-honey-boo-boo/) - McIntyre, GA: Ex-Navy Seal/current “No Easy Day” author Matt Bissonette, who was part of the elite team that literally bagged Osama Bin Laden, told “60 Minutes” of a recent secret mission: The Rescue of Honey Boo Boo (a.k.a. Alana Thompson). He noted that secret documents revealed that “The Learning Channel’s” reality star was being captive
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks: Week 3](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/21/nfl-powder-puff-picks-week-3-2/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. Last week began the demise of millions of knockout pools, fantasy football teams, and Rob Wheatley's commanding lead
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 2](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/13/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-2/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. Rob Wheatley is still taking the Americans to the wood-chipper, but it's only week 2, and like Mark
- [Bill Clinton Affirms Status as Sexiest President](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/07/clinton-affirms-status-sexiest-president/) - Charlotte, NC: Wednesday night, former president Bill Clinton delivered a speech in front of the Democratic National Convention that defined the term “Silver Fox”. Obama could only stand offstage and look dejected as Clinton showed him how to touch a crowd. This was a turning point in Clinton’s national image. For a while, he had
- [NY Giants Succeed in Losing to Dallas Cowboys to Start Super Bowl Run](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/07/ny-giants-succeed-losing-dallas-cowboys-start-super-bowl-run/) - East Rutherford, NJ: New York Giants fans were elated this week, as their Big Blue Wrecking Crew began their season with a spectacular loss against the Dallas Cowboys to start off the 2012/2013 season. The defeat at the hands of their conference arch-rivals was made even sweeter by the fact that the Giants lost at
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Week 1](https://theineptowl.com/2012/09/05/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-week-1/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some the greatest preview commentary in the world! That's right, ESPN, we said it. Our winner last year was the man across the pond, Rob Wheatley. Let's see if he can retain
- [Florida Law Defines Life as Beginning at Drunken College Party](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/31/florida-law-defines-life-beginning-drunken-college-party/) - Gainesville, FL: Governor Rick Scott of Florida, in reaction to Arizona passing their “life begins two weeks before conception” law, has signed a bill redefining life as starting even earlier. The signing of the bill is another part of the contest between Governors Scott and Brewer to see who is more pro-pre-life. In signing the
- [Obama Hits Reddit; Romney to Answer Questions on Myspace](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/31/obama-hits-reddit-romney-answer-questions-myspace/) - This week, President Barack Obama visited the well-known unoriginal-content-spreading site reddit to reach out to voters. Obama, who has always been on the cutting edge of social media with such endeavors as “Tweet Me Some Money” and “Let Me Spam Your Facebook Timeline with My Drivel,” took to reddit as a new and edgy way
- [Powder Puff Picks Football Challenge Open to the Public!](https://theineptowl.com/2011/08/16/nfl-powder-puff-picks-challenge-open-public/) - Pick games, win stuff!
- [Rosie O'Donnell Fights for Relevancy](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/29/rosie-odonnell-fights-relevancy/) - Los Angeles, CA: Actress/talk show host Rosie O’Donnell, who recently had a heart attack, vows to come back bigger than ever…if that’s possible. Rosie’s wife, Michelle Rounds, stated, “To say my hubby has a lot on her large back burner is an understatement.” She announced that “Discovery Channel” along with “National Geographic” have teamed up
- [Chair 2012](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/31/chair-2012/) - Nobody asked, but we did it for you anyway. Election 2012 kicks into high gear for the fall push with the greatest presidential nominee: CHAIR! Now you can commit yourself to the cause of getting CHAIR elected with this handy banner that will fit, literally anywhere. Bumper stickers? Check. T-Shirts? Check. Women's underwear? Check.
- [Celebrities Plan Migration to Fallout Shelters After Prince Harry Debacle](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/27/celebrities-migrate-fallout-shelters-prince-harry-debacle/) - Las Vegas, NV: With the latest Prince Harry adventure, where he was found playing strip billiards, being released to the public, celebrities across the globe have been closing ranks in order to better protect themselves from the paparazzi. With things happening in Vegas not legitimately staying in Vegas, celebrities are now questioning where it is
- [Mitt Romney's European Vacation](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/16/mitt-romneys-european-vacation/) - Everywhere, EUROPE: After a gaff-filled tour through Europe two weeks ago, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney decided to take himself and his family on a well-deserved break exploring the wilderness that is not America. Romney and the family started off in London, the same place his political tour started. They stayed in a low-class motel,
- [Roger Clemens to Follow Long Tradition of Has-Beens in Independent League](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/22/clemens-follow-tradition-independent-league/) - Sugar Land, TX: Don't call it a comeback, but Roger Clemens will be pitching in the minor leagues this weekend. The baseball legend will start Saturday against the Bridgeport Blue Fins for the Sugar Land Skeeters, an independent minor-league baseball team from just outside Houston, a Skeeters spokesman said. The 50-year-old Clemens, a Houston native
- [A Dork's Guide to Shark Week](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/14/dorks-guide-shark-week/) - Shark Week is an interesting time. For seven days, a world is transfixed to The Discover Channel to learn, once again, everything there is to know about those silent predators of the deep. If that's not enough, there are plenty of articles online piggybacking the event. The irony of poking at that fact is not
- [An Abridged Trip to the NYC Horror Fest](https://theineptowl.com/2010/11/17/abridged-trip-nyc-horror-fest/) - The New York City Horror Film Festival is another breed of festival, because instead of being stuck in a room of producers and maybe a stunt-man from the movie you've watched, you are in a room of artists, with maybe one suit flying around to make sure people are using coasters for their drinks. I went one night, for the screening of the original A Nightmare on Elm Street. Here is the play by play of that night.
- [Lochte VS Phelps to Continue After London Olympics](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/10/lochte-phelps-continue-london-olympics/) - London, UK: Unfortunately, competition between two of the biggest Olympic stars does not end with the Olympics. Indeed, after gold medalist Ryan Lochte expressed interest in appearing on "Dancing With The Stars,” his teammate, Michael Phelps, has revealed that he's also open to competing on the reality series. Lochte further noted that he would "very
- [Lolo Jones Misses Olympic Medal After Switching Places with Rashida Jones](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/10/lolo-jones-misses-olympic-medal-switching-places-rashida-jones/) - London, GREAT BRITAIN: With all of the controversy stemming from United States Olympian Lolo Jones and her heartbreaking bid for a medal in the 100-meter hurdles final, some believe her media coverage may have been more about hype about the track stars looks than talent. Some analysts believe that Lolo Jones' talent was there to
- [Fox News Announces New Tragedy-Seeking Technology](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/09/fox-news-announces-tragedyseeking-technology/) - New York, NY: Fox News CEO and hot air balloon impersonator Roger Ailes recently announced the initiation of a new algorithm for finding the most tragic events around the US. “It’s a bold new day for journalism,” stated Ailes, his waddle trembling with emotion. “Now we can inundate the American public with more misery than
- [Totally Recalled: Replacement Parts](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/03/totally-recalled-replacement-parts/) - With the release of a new version of Total Recall, many questions arise as to how it will live up to the original. Will it be on Mars? Will there be a twist ending that goes against the grain? How will they manage a three-breasted woman in a PG-13 movie? In order to placate our
- [While We Were Bored: Mars Landing](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/07/bored-mars-landing/) - A lot can be said about NASA's latest Mars landing: 1) Curiosity is having an exciting ride, at least, as much excitement as a robotic vehicle that missed the cut for BattleBots. 2) This is the most important space exploration landing...since Phoenix in 2008. 3) NASA controllers for Curiosity and the rover that landed in
- [You've Been Trumped, Trump!](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/08/trumped-trump/) - Anthony Baxter’s soon-to-be released documentary, You’ve Been Trumped, is an unabashedly hostile portrait of a billionaire developer in action as he embarks on a grandiose project in Scotland. The $1.5 billion project involves building two 18-hole golf course (the first one opened last month), a 450-bedroom luxury hotel, and a complex of apartments and golf villas
- [Chick-fil-A Decision for Muppets Recall Due to Safety of Heterosexuality](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/02/chickfila-decision-muppets-recall-due-safety-heterosexuality/) - College Park, GA: The battle for the attentions of fast food consumers nationwide rages on, as Chick-fil-A has gotten more advertising for its ridiculously boring chicken and pickle sandwich then ever before after it was learned that Chick-Fil-A and its founding family has donated funds to various anti-homosexuality and anti-gay marriage organizations. Some cities, such
- [Breaking Dawn Part 2 Revised to Feature Maury Povich](https://theineptowl.com/2012/08/01/breaking-dawn-part-2-revised-feature-maury-povich/) - Los Angeles, CA: In light of the recent scandal involving the screen couple turned Hollywood couple, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, fans and critics have been flooding the media with important, world-changing questions, such as: 1) Who gets the dog? 2) Who is moving out of the house? 3) Will there be a "Snow White"
- [Political Who's Who In The Dark Knight Rises: Liberal Idea of a Conservative Edition](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/31/political-dark-knight-rises-liberal-idea-conservative-edition/) - **WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS DUE TO CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS** To say that there are political undertones in The Dark Knight Rises would be like saying Lucky Charms has sugar: you'd have to be a potato, or have the brainpower of one, to not pick up on either fact. So we started off with a liberal version of
- [Giant British Umbrella Working for London Olympics](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/30/giant-british-umbrella-working-london-olympics/) - London, GREAT BRITAIN: The greatest fear to athletes, fans, and advertisers about the 2012 London Olympics is proving to be unfounded, as the first two days of the Olympic games have been uninterrupted by the rainy weather that the British Isles are notorious for. The reason? A giant, invisible umbrella, whose stem has been stationed
- [The New NBA Bank Shot](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/30/nba-bank-shot/) - The NBA is very close to allowing teams to put advertising on their players’ jerseys, following suit with such popular sports as soccer and NASCAR. NBA Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver said the idea is being well received among team owners. "It's fair to say that our teams were excited about the opportunity," stated Silver. Jason
- [While We Were Bored: London's Homeless During the Olympics](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/26/bored-londons-homeless-olympics/) - Much has been discussed about London's plans to hide away its homeless during the Olympics. The idea to make the streets cleaner for Olympic has prompted protests where people sleep outside wrapped in newspapers with not a wash for days. Obviously, the scare tactics by London officials did not deter the homeless in the slightest
- [New Cancer Treatment Promises Millions in Research Funding](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/25/cancer-treatment-promises-millions-research-funding/) - Baltimore, MD: Last week, cancer researchers at Kennedy Krieger Institute announced the results of a trial for a new course of treatment that may benefit a number of types of cancer. The treatment involves a series of pharmaceutical therapies that are so complicated and arcane that they must be administered by a trained physician or
- [Political Who's Who In The Dark Knight Rises: Liberal Edition](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/24/political-dark-knight-rises-liberal-edition/) - **WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS DUE TO CHARACTER DESCRIPTIONS** To say that there are political undertones in The Dark Knight Rises would be like saying Lucky Charms has sugar: you'd have to be a potato, or have the brainpower of one, to not pick up on either fact. That doesn't mean this plans to be a politically
- [Corporate Leaders Shocked that Union Fruit Baskets are Considered Political Expenditures](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/19/corporate-leaders-shocked-union-fruit-baskets-considered-political-expenditures/) - New York, NY: In a reaction to the Wall Street Journal’s recent ground-breaking report, corporate leaders have registered complaints on the political expenditures of unions. The expenditures, totaling around $4 billion dollars, are almost four times what was previously believed by experts and almost $4 billion more than corporate leaders had believed they were spending.
- [The Second Coming of an Alien?](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/23/coming-alien/) - Roswell, NM: Former CIA agent Chase Brandon told a reporter a shocking announcement on the 65th anniversary of the "Roswell Daily Record's" infamous flying saucer headline. And what oh-so-shocking announcement did the 35-year veteran make? This one: "It was not a damn weather balloon," said Chase. "It was a craft that clearly did not come
- [Joe Paterno's Statue of No Limitations](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/17/joe-paternos-statue-limitations/) - Joe Paterno was a close friend of his for many years, but former Florida State coach Bobby Bowden thinks his statue of the late coach on Penn State's campus should come down. "Every time somebody walks by and sees that statue, they're not going to remember the 80 good years," Bowden told the Altoona (Pa.)
- [Ideas About The Dark Knight Rises So Ridiculous That They Cannot Be Spoilers](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/18/ideas-dark-knight-rises-ridiculous-spoilers/) - We all hate spoilers when it comes to books, television, and movies. Even my family, who love asking questions about what's going to happen to a character DURING THE MOVIE, hate it when I break down and actually tell them what's going to happen to a character, even going as far as to tell them
- [President Obama Experiments with Executive Privilege](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/05/president-obama-experiments-executive-privilege/) - Washington, DC: After his much-discussed use of executive privilege to obscure the details of the FBI’s “fast and furious” initiative, Obama has begun exploring the potential of his newfound power. The wording of the presidential ability is extremely vague, allowing for innovative new interpretations. For example, Obama made a surprise appearance at a private GOP
- [Kathy Griffin Last to Know Anderson Cooper Is Gay](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/04/kathy-griffin-anderson-cooper-gay/) - New York, NY: It is official. After years of suspicion, conjecture, and supposition, Kathy Griffin is finally aware that Anderson Cooper is gay. In an email to Daily Beast reporter Andrew Sullivan, CNN reporter and, more recently, daytime talk-show host Anderson Cooper acknowledged his homosexuality, and allowed it to be publicized, leading to cheers from
- [Storms Cause Critical Loss to Millions](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/03/storms-critical-loss-millions/) - Columbus, OH: As cleanup begins following a line of storms that tore through the Midwest on Friday, millions of people have been left without the most critical component of modern existence: Internet access. As temperatures climbed to near-triple-digit highs, some people chose to complain about losing the luxuries of life such as air conditioning, refrigerated
- [Drake and Chris Brown to Get Down?](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/02/drake-chris-brown/) - New York, NY: Damon Feldman, a celebrity boxing promoter, is hoping to capitalize on the nightclub brawl between singer Chris Brown and rapper Drake by offering them $1 million each to box in a ring. After Rianna turned down a chance to be the ring girl, Mr. Feldman signed up Katie Holmes, only for Katie
- [Obsessed Fan Says Kunis-Kutcher Date Can Only Mean That 70s Show Reunion](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/26/obsessed-fan-kuniskutcher-date-70s-show-reunion/) - Los Angeles, CA: The rumor-mill continues to swirl around the question of whether Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are dating, banging, or just being friends after they merely had dinner in the same restaurant this weekend, but one obsessed fan seems to have other ideas. Martin Kumpfer (formerly Arnold Mancuso before changing his name to
- [GOP Calls Obamacare Ruling A Victory](https://theineptowl.com/2012/07/02/gop-calls-obamacare-ruling-victory/) - Washington, DC: The GOP has come out with a statement calling the Supreme Court’s 5-4 decision upholding the individual mandate a victory for conservative forces around the US. This was strangely at odds with the Republican’s wailing, crying and gnashing of teeth immediately after the announcement of the ruling. “No, no, those were tears of
- [Republicans Call Obama's Immigration Policy a Gateway Immigration Policy](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/25/republicans-call-obamas-immigration-policy-gateway-immigration-policy/) - Washington, DC: Congressional Republicans have released a statement outlining their opposition to Obama’s new immigration policy, which would provide more avenues for undocumented immigrants to obtain citizenship. The GOP claims that the policy imposes a dangerous precedent when it comes to immigration. “It’s like we’ve been saying with gay marriage,” said Representative Blake Farenthold of
- [Alec Balwin Attacks Reporter Asking About Attack on Reporter Asking About Attack On...](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/22/alec-balwin-attacks-reporter-attack-reporter-attack/) - New York, NY: Someone give Alec Baldwin a time out! He has now pummeled three members of the press--and counting. The latest reporter to feel the wrath of Alec was Inept Owl reporter Larry Feinstein, who was slapped in the face by Alec Baldwin as Alec drove past him on his mountain bike. When asked
- [Researching Potential VPs, Journalist Dies of Boredom](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/20/researching-potential-vps-journalist-dies-boredom/) - Washington, DC: For months now, journalists around the country and the world have been entering hospital emergency rooms with complaints of headaches, nausea and a myriad of other symptoms, and for months, they’ve tried to convince doctors, employers, or family members to listen. John McCarthy, a journalist for the Tallahassee Democrat, died last night due
- [Burger King Launches More Bacon](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/19/burger-king-launches-bacon/) - Miami, FL: This week, Burger King’s ambitious new product line becomes available to customers. Going along with the release of the much talked-about sundae last week, the products are all variations on a theme. That theme? Bacon. “People have certain expectations from our menu,” said head chef Charles McBacon, who recently changed his name to
- [Henry Hill: Good (Dead)Fella](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/18/henry-hill-good-deadfella/) - Somewhere, UNITED STATES: Henry Hill, the Mafioso man and FBI informant whose sordid life the Martin Scorsese film, Good Fellas, was based on, died on June 12th at the age of 69. Mr. Hill's partner for the last 14 years of his life, Lisa Caserta, said Hill recently suffered a heart attack before his death
- [Scott Walker Announces Plans for Second Term](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/08/scott-walker-second-term/) - Madison, WI: Today, in the wake of his reelection as governor, Scott Walker held a rally at the capitol to give an idea of his policies going forward. “This was a victory,” Governor Walker began, “Against the anti-American forces we struggle with every day. Teachers. Union members. Always on the lookout for their next score
- [Bath Salt Dealers Rush to Save Face](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/08/bath-salt-dealers-rush-save-face/) - Imagine being a businessman with a hot new product that practically sells itself. Then, imagine that product taking a beating in the press and internet, rendering the product an extremely hard sell. This is what happened after Jerome Singleton, drug dealer of “bath salts,” heard that a homeless man from Miami named Rudy Eugene ate
- [Lindsay Lohan Does Dick...in Liz and Dick](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/12/lindsay-lohan-dickin-liz-dick/) - Los Angeles, CA: Lindsay Lohan, currently shooting Lifetime’s TV movie, Liz and Dick, reportedly is so determined to prove that she isn’t a drunk detriment to a film set (and herself) that she hid extensive injuries she sustained during her massive car wreck this past Thursday. Amazingly, her alcohol blood level was 0.00—the same score
- [Vatican Releases New Line of Books for Children](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/04/vatican-releases-line-books-children/) - The Vatican, ITALY: Today Pope Benedict XVI blessed several new titles being published by the Vatican Press. The books, four in total, are directed towards children with the intention of polishing the Church’s somewhat tarnished reputation with that demographic. “The time has come to turn over a new leaf. We say, let bygones be bygones.”
- [New Yorkers Critical of Santana's Imperfect No-Hitter](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/02/mets-fans-critical-santanas-imperfect-nohitter/) - Flushing, NY: The critical eye of New York cast its gaze upon the Mets once again, as ace pitcher Johan Santana pitched a complete no-hitter against the St. Louis Cardinals last night at Citi Field. While many Mets fans rejoiced that Santana not only pitched well enough to keep the Cardinals hitless, but also did
- [World War Z Begins with Miami Zombie Attack](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/29/world-war-z-begins-miami-zombie-attack/) - Miami, FL: What has been pop culture myth and a horror film focus has quickly become reality, as zombie-like attacks have begun surfacing in Miami, Florida. The latest involved a homeless man, Rudy Eugene, who was found naked and eating off the face of another man on a highway ramp. When confronted by police officers,
- [Breaking It Down: Who Will be DC's Iconic Gay Super Hero?](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/29/breaking-dcs-iconic-gay-super-hero/) - Homosexuality in comic books has been little more than a slighting joke in the past. From cracks about tight underwear to the possibility of a male duo beating more than criminals, the idea of a gay super hero has been little more than a game of suspicion, feeding off the idea that a super hero
- [Dragon Lands In Space: NASA Takes As Much Credit As Possible](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/29/dragon-lands-space-nasa-takes-credit/) - ISS, SPACE: This past Friday, the privately funded Dragon SpaceX Rocket, literally the taxicab of the stars, docked with the International Space Station, and NASA was right there to take the credit. “Without our launch pad, they would have had to go somewhere else and I don’t know if you can tell but look around,
- [JOKER vs. JOKER vs. JOKER](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/06/joker-joker-joker/) - After finally seeing The Dark Knight and living through the hype surrounding this movie for the past 3 months, I thought it was time to write a rating article. No, I'm not rating which Batman character was better(that one should be obvious: Adam West of course!), and I'm not going to rate the movies themselves. That has been done time and again, in jest and in seriousness.
- [Celebrities Confused by Flaming Hills](https://theineptowl.com/2009/11/25/celebrities-confused-flaming-hills/) - As fires ravaged California this week, destroying millions of dollars worth of Cristal Champagne and Ferrari Enzos (thanks to MTV 'Cribs' for research material), all eyes turn to the State's Governor, Arnold Squash-a-Knacker. The Governor, known as 'Squashy' by his friends, was previously one of the biggest movie stars of his time, making his name in high octane action flicks such as Conan the complete and utter Bastard, The Defibrillator, and Going Commando, and was voted into the position by virtue of his ACTION MAN persona.
- [John Mayer Apologizes](https://theineptowl.com/2010/02/16/john-mayer-apologizes/) - Today, musician and chronic Twitterer John Mayer issued a press release apologizing for his recent controversial comments in Playboy magazine. The following is a transcript.
- [Chuck Norris Facts Celebrate Birthday](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/11/chuck-norris-facts-celebrate-birthday/) - This past Wednesday, actor/martial artist/worldwide hero Chuck Norris turned 70, prompting a whole new round of orgiastic internet squees from basement-dwelling dorks across the globe. More important than the actor's birthday, however, was the anniversary of the the advent of Chuck Norris jokes, which have turned 12,010 years old.
- [LOST Fans Riot Over Leaked Ending](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/22/lost-fans-riot-leaked-2/) - This past weekend, fans of the ABC television show "LOST" became enraged to find that the last episode of the show had been leaked eight weeks before it was supposed to air. This has been viewed as the worst spoiler since James Cameron explained to the public the FX work involved in shooting the sinking of the Titanic. The show, which spanned six seasons, six continents, 32 cameos, and at least 200 different theoretical timelines, has touted this sixth and latest season as its "Final Season" where "all questions would be answered" and "every single person from the previous five seasons would make an appearance in case you forgot about them".
- [Fact and Fiction: Corey Haim](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/19/fact-fiction-corey-haim/) - For the past week and a half, you would be hard-pressed not to see or hear the words "Corey Haim", as the celebrity death-purge that has been covered for the last two years took the life of 80's Teen Bop superstar Corey Haim. However, there seems to be an almost mythical belief that it was only the Two Coreys(including still living Corey Feldman) that were starring in 80's films. Bring up any 80's movie to a random person to test their knowledge: 3/4 of the population will name either Corey Haim or Corey Feldman. And so, due to the high importance this knowledge has to the free world, I bring you a Fact and Fiction segment, dedicated to learning the truth about alleged Corey Haim films.
- [More Brain Vomit by Jess](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/16/brain-vomit-jess/) - First of all, what kind of cruelty is it to name your kid Chris Christie? The guy sounds like a fairy who sprinkles pixie dust on you so you can go fly away to Never Never Land. I remember in elementary school I had a kid in my class named Thomas Thompson, and he used to get the crap beaten out of him all the time on the playground. By GIRLS. I hope at some point old Tommy changed it to something a little less ridiculous. So he actually had a chance of getting laid at some point in his life.
- [Webmaster P Bio](https://theineptowl.com/2010/11/28/webmaster-bio/) - While many believe that, behind the scenes, The Inept Owl is run by perverted gnomes high on PCP, it is untrue. There is only one perverted gnome, and he's only high on life and computer duster spray: Webmaster P.
- [Scientists Discover Sex may be Good for your Health](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/24/scientists-discover-sex-good-health/) - Las Vegas, NV: A recent report published by the National Institute of Health (NIH) has provided evidence that regular intercourse may be good for you. This report came after an exhaustive series of taxpayer-funded studies investigating the benefits of sex according to the foremost experts: lab scientists. “It really is a breakthrough,” insisted Dr. McCulloch
- [While We Were Bored: Jeffrey Dahmer Did It First, Miami](https://theineptowl.com/2012/06/01/bored-jeffrey-dahmer-miami/) - With the zombie apocalypse beginning in Miami, it was only a matter of time before some hipster would have taken all the credit. With that, we introduce Jeffrey Dahmer from beyond the grave.
- [Sad Paul: A Sad Ron Paul Internet Meme](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/23/sad-paul-sad-ron-paul-internet-meme/) - Most supporters of Libertarian/Republican Representative Dr. Ronald Ernest Paul, Esquire, have not given up on their candidate's possibility to win the Republican primaries. Although Mitt Romney seems to have taken the lead in everything after Newt Gingrich ran out of money, Rep. Ron Paul stands strong in a determined, if not handicapped, campaign. While critics
- [Gaming Diary: Diablo 3 - Day 1](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/15/gaming-diary-diablo-3/) - Finally, after a long hiatus from online gaming because A) Diablo 2 got old, and B) World of Warcraft makes you pay by the month, which is useless to me because I sometimes only play games once a month, a game that I knew would drag me back in was released: Diablo 3. Normally, I'm
- [Rumors Emerge About iPhone 5 Spokesperson](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/15/iphone-5-rumors-spokesperson/) - Cupertino, CA: This past month, the technology rumor mill has been cranking in anticipation of Apple's latest legendary invention: the iPhone...5. While the idea is plausible that the iPhone 5 would be released eventually, considering Apple's dead-pan creativity with naming their products, iPhonophiles are hopeful that the future version will have features such as a
- [University of Phoenix Announces New Field of Study: Student Debt](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/11/university-phoenix-announces-field-study-student-debt/) - Phoenix, AZ: Last month, the University of Phoenix unveiled a new department for registration. The department is called “Student Debt Studies” and boasts a catalog of ten courses covering the subject of owing money for getting educated and preparing students for a future of misery and ramen noodles. The department will combine a number of
- [The Sad Paul Legacy: Photo Contest](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/07/sad-paul-legacy/) - Most supporters of Libertarian/Republican Representative Dr. Ronald Ernest Paul, Esquire, have not given up on their candidate's possibility to win the Republican primaries. Although Mitt Romney seems to have taken the lead in everything after Newt Gingrich ran out of money, Rep. Ron Paul stands strong in a determined, if not handicapped, campaign. While critics
- [Local Idiot Misunderstands Garage Sale](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/09/local-idiot-misunderstands-garage-sale/) - Springfield, OH: A normal garage sale on a normal neighborhood block turned into mayhem this past weekend, as local Springfield resident Nicholas Glunt learned what a garage sale really is, the hard way. Mr. Glunt had purchased his first home in November of last year, so this would be the first garage sale that he
- [Baseball Team Forfeits Championship Because of a Girl](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/14/baseball-team-forfeits-championship-girl/) - Phoenix, AZ: The Our Lady of Tears baseball team forfeited a championship game against Arizona Sun Preparatory School this past weekend because the second base man for Arizona Sun is, in fact, a woman. Phoebe Singer, 15, plays second base on the Arizona Sun baseball team because the school doesn’t have a softball team. Everyone—including
- [Ron Paul Unveils New Slogan: Restore America, Eventually](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/02/ron-paul-unveils-slogan-restore-america-eventually/) - Lake Jackson, TX: In a press release today, the Ron Paul 2012 campaign announced that their slogan would be changing from “Restore America Now” to “Restore America Eventually” in order to reflect the new direction of the campaign. A section of the press release is as follows: "As the Republican primary heads into its endgame,
- [Facebook to Institute Fees for Users Spreading Faulty Fee Posts](https://theineptowl.com/2011/09/26/facebook-institute-fees-users-spreading-faulty-fee-posts/) - While most of these rumor hoaxes have been shut down thanks to actual news reports, Snopes.com , and basic common sense, there are others that still believe the day of Facebook charges is coming. Due to this unwavering belief, Facebook co-creator and CEO Mark Zuckerberg released a statement earlier today to those rumor-millers.
- [Glass is Half Empty: The Decline of the Kansas City Royals](https://theineptowl.com/2012/04/29/glass-empty-decline-kansas-city-royals/) - The Kansas City Royals look cheap. Maybe it’s the colors. Blue. White. Yellow. It is very reminiscent of something. Comparing the streaking Kansas City Royals to Wal-Mart may seem unfair to some but, in fairness to the fans, the people of Kansas City deserve a better product and spending more money may be the only
- [Supermoon Terrorizes East Coast](https://theineptowl.com/2011/03/22/super-moon-terrorizes-east-coast/) - New York, NY: This past weekend tragedy struck, as that orbiting chunk of rock, the moon, came a whole 2 inches closer to the Earth than usual. The proximity caused a rippling effect of disaster, as supermoon sightings caused havoc down the East Coast.
- [Happy Star Wars Speech Impediment Day!](https://theineptowl.com/2012/05/04/happy-star-wars-speech-impediment-day/) - Well, it's May the fourth again and, for some fairly humorous reasons, is Star Wars Day. However, there is one reason that May the fourth was mixed up with "May the Force" that is rarely brought up: good, old-fashioned embarrassing speech impediments. Happy Star Wars Day, everyone!
- [Eli Manning to Host SNL as a Tree](https://theineptowl.com/2012/04/16/eli-manning-host-snl-tree/) - New York, NY: With this weekend's announcement that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning will be hosting NBC's Saturday Night Live on May 5th, fans, both of the show and Eli, became anxious about what this would mean. Would it be as wildly successful as Peyton Manning's 2007 hosting duties that led to numerous commercials?
- [Darth Vader Receives Psychoanalysis](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/11/darth-vader-receives-psychoanalysis/) - Not so long ago, in a lab across the Atlantic, several psychologists donned their white lab coats, popped some popcorn (extra butter), and set out to diagnose one of the most famous villains in film history—Darth Vader. Now, any smart working person knows what this really was—a clever way for some sci-fi geeks to get paid to watch movies. But, nevertheless, their findings made their way into various academic and medical journals around the globe.
- [Jersey Shore Adds to Tan Addiction](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/21/jersey-shore-adds-tan-addiction/) - Today, a new addiction has become a focus in the public eye, one that your own children may be privy to, if indeed you have any children. The idea of this addiction is not necessarily new, but, finally, evidence has been introduced to support the claims, in the form of college polls and hypotheses, at least. That addiction is tanning.
- [Neil Patrick Harris Admits to Barney Character Acting](https://theineptowl.com/2012/04/25/neil-patrick-harris-admits-barney-character/) - New York, NY: With the end of How I Met Your Mother on the horizon, Neil Patrick Harris recently came to terms with a screen rumor about his character in the series, Barney Stinson. Harris, the actor who played Doogie Howser in the 1990s and disappeared for nearly twenty years before appearing in the White
- [GM Releases Gas Fetcher for Hummers](https://theineptowl.com/2008/11/26/gm-releases-gas-fetcher-hummers/) - Recently, General Motors has been in a state of flux in regards to their lines of SUVs and trucks. Because of recent economic turmoil, the continuing war in the Middle East, and the continual lost appeal for American-made automobiles, the company had to decide what type of vehicle to market in a time where gasoline prices have peaked and flattened in a matter of days, as well as deal with a stock market that has investors and consumers keeping their finances close to the vest.
- [Baseball Implements Steroid Clause to Re-Gain Interest](https://theineptowl.com/2012/04/06/baseball-implements-steroid-clause-regain-interest/) - Spring has arrived. The sight of freshly mowed grass, the sound of the first crack of a bat and the smell of cracker jacks. Indeed, Major League Baseball is back, and with it, the spirit of change. Whether a subtle rule amendment, divisional realignment or basic player transactions, no MLB season is ever quite like
- [Gingrich Concedes He Didn't Really Want Nomination Anyway](https://theineptowl.com/2012/04/27/gingrich-concedes-nomination/) - New York, NY: In a press conference on Friday, Newt Gingrich revealed that he wasn’t really that interested in becoming the Republican nominee to run against Obama in November. “It’s not about winning. It’s about principles.” The former House Speaker was quoted as saying. Gingrich has been hammering presumptive nominee Mitt Romney on his vague
- [Dick Clark Sucks 20 Years out of Ryan Seacrest for NYE 2012](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/02/dick-clark-sucks-0-years-ryan-seacrest-nye-2012/) - New York, NY: For 40 years, Dick Clark has been a staple of the New Year's Eve celebration as his New Year's Rockin Eve show played in a majority of East Coast homes in the United States as both a party backdrop and as a timer for the new year. Clark's legacy seemed unending, almost immortal, as he survived American Bandstand, Pyramid, a lip-synch performance by Miami Sound Machine, and, finally, a stroke. Finally the truth came out during New Year's Rockin Eve 2012, as footage of Ryan Seacrest showed that the perpetually 24 year old celebrity seemed to have aged at least 20 years since last year's festivities.
- [Canada Nixes Penny; US to Reintroduce Half Cent](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/30/canada-nixes-penny-reintroduce-cent/) - Toronto, Canadialand—Today, the Canadian government announced a decision to no longer use the Canadian penny. Due to inflation, a lack of coin purses, and the fact that Coinstar charges more to count a penny than one gets to cash it in, the Canadian finance minister Jim Flaherty said it was no longer sensible to mint the copper coins.
- [Unborn Snooki Monster Right on Time, Says Mayan Calendar](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/01/unborn-snookimonster-time-mayan-calendar/) - Jersey City, NJ: For years, skeptics and conspiracy theorists alike have debated the meaning and relevancy of the Mayan calendar. The ancient timeline, which ends on December 21st, 2012, has been touted as a prophecy for the end of the world; oceans will rise, the sun ill go out, and the moon will come crashing into the Earth's atmosphere as the dark lord will emerge from a rotting womb(as we have interpreted the Book of Revelations.) It has also been rationalized as merely the end of a calendar, much like how people change from February to March, or 2011 to 2012. Unfortunately, rationale went out the window yesterday as one of the most relevant signs of the Apocalypse is coming true: Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is pregnant.
- [Pettitte Re-Signs, Resigns, then Re-Signs Again with Yankees](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/17/pettitte-resigns-resigns-resigns-yankees/) - Tampa, FL: The roster confusion within the New York Yankees continues, as perennial Yankee Andy Pettitte once again signed with the team, this time to a minor league deal with the possibility of being signed to a major league contract. The real confusion began in the realm of social media, as fans began to interchange
- [Tiger Woods Wins to Get Back Pride, Pimping Lifestyle](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/26/tiger-woods-wins-pride-pimping-lifestyle/) - Orlando, FL: A Tiger Woods span of 923 days and 27 tournaments. No, this is not how long he's held the #1 spot in the PGA. He lost that spot in October of 2010, now ranking a lowly #6. It had been 923 days and 27 tournaments since he won his last tournament, a drought
- [28 Weeks Later Review](https://theineptowl.com/2007/06/02/28-weeks-review/) - 28 Weeks Later (directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo) brings modern age zombies back to the big screen, but cult fans of the original film 28 Days Later may want to save their dollars until this one hits the video store.
- [Children of Men Review](https://theineptowl.com/2007/06/04/children-men-review/) - No, it's not another Brave New World rip-off. It's Children of Men.
- [Bringing Art to the (Coffee) Table: Review of The Art Book](https://theineptowl.com/2007/06/05/263/) - The Art Book brings a lot to the coffee table. Newcomers can learn the language of art without being overwhelmed by it. The vast collection and informative text make this volume an invaluable sourcebook for students. Those well-acquainted with the art world will surely appreciate the breadth of this assortment.
- [Scary Tales: 'The Book of Lost Things', Reviewed](https://theineptowl.com/2007/06/16/scary-tales-the-book-lost-things-reviewed/) - John Connolly combines fact, fiction and folklore in ‘The Book of Lost Things’, a clever and disturbing coming-of-age tale. This book-about-a-book centers around a crucial time in the life of David, a twelve-year-old boy living in World War II period England.
- [Hop Aboard The Darjeeling Limited](https://theineptowl.com/2007/10/19/hop-aboard-darjeeling-limited/) - Just asking for punny movie reviews involving references to the titular train, The Darjeeling Limited finally rolls into a wide theatrical release.
- [Review of The Eagles' "Long Road Out of Eden"](https://theineptowl.com/2007/11/18/review-eagles-long-road-eden/) - The Eagles were one of the most recognizable bands in the 1970s. They produced hit after hit, putting 10 different singles in the top 10 of the music charts. But like every band that has ever had a “Behind The Music” special on VH1, it was not meant to last; money, drugs, and ego combined to split the iconic band apart. Back in 1994, the Eagles reunited due to their love for the very thing that got them into the business in the first place: money. They threw together a tour where they could charge $150 for crappy seats to hear decades-old music, then packaged a handful of new songs together with a live performance on a CD. It was titled “Hell Freezes Over,” which represented not only the unlikeliness of the reunion occurring in the first place, but also the unlikeliness of anyone under the age of 50 going to see their shows.
- [Transformers Movie Review](https://theineptowl.com/2007/07/10/transformers-movie-review/) - Is there more than meets the eye in the Transformers movie?
- [Dizzy World Vacation: The Stingray Shuffle, Reviewed](https://theineptowl.com/2007/07/14/dizzy-world-vacation-stingray-shuffle-reviewed/) - An installment in a series of Serge A. Storms adventures, The Stingray Shuffle has Dorsey’s lovable psychopath in search of a silver Halliburton filled with five million in cursed cash. Swept into the action are a bungling group of B-rate Russian hoods, sleazy small-time lounge performers, unfortunate Jamaican mobsters, bullying frat punks, the aptly-named Mierda Cartel, a doorman on the run, a women’s book club with a big, juicy secret, and Johnny Vegas, The Accidental Virgin.
- [Film Review: Live Free or Die Hard](https://theineptowl.com/2007/07/18/film-review-live-free-die-hard/) - Who's the greatest action hero of the modern age and why? John McClane that's who... and why? Well, that IS a discussion boys and girls. Sit in the lotus way at the foot of SAINT and let me remind you why we love the impossible feats of John McClane over all others.
- [Review: Labyrinth](https://theineptowl.com/2007/08/12/review-labyrinth/) - Sometimes in a world full of movies about CGI superheroes, drunken teenagers, and ass-kicking secret agents, you really just want to kick back with some wacky puppets, some David Bowie music, and one hell of a codpiece. Welcome to Labyrinth.
- [Review of Saving Jane's "One Girl Revolution"](https://theineptowl.com/2007/08/20/review-saving-janes-girl-revolution/) - If you haven't heard of Saving Jane... hey, it happens. They had some modest success with their album, Girl Next Door especially once MTV picked up the single of the same name for the theme song of their crappy “Tiara Girls” show. Five months later Universal Records jumped on the bandwagon and re-released the album. Now, Saving Jane returns with a new offering from their original indie label (Toucan Cove, which sounds entirely too Jimmy Buffett to be real). The band managed what many whiny, angst-ridden rockers cannot manage: to walk away from massive corporate interests in favor of keeping true to their sound and vision. The newest album, “One Girl Revolution,” gives the middle finger to any number of media outlets (and more than a few ex-significant others).
- [Someone Deserves a Punch to the Back of the Head: Rob Zombie](https://theineptowl.com/2007/08/28/deserves-punch-head-rob-zombie/) - Recently, I saw a preview for a new version of Halloween. That's right folks, and your old pal Rob Zombie is steering this poopship destroyer to a theatre near you. Thanks Rob Zombie. Thanks for ruining my life, and probably a bunch of other people's lives, too. You suck. Your music sucks. Your movies suck. I hope you're proud of yourself. You just mixed up some brass monkey in the Holy Grail.
- [Going Medieval: A Confederacy of Dunces, Reviewed](https://theineptowl.com/2007/09/05/medieval-confederacy-dunces-reviewed/) - Ignatius, thirty years old, oversized and under-bathed, is content to look down upon society while living off of his perpetually buzzed, arthritic mother. When a financial disaster forces him to gain employment, he finds himself the leader of a befuddled workers’ revolt, physically threatened by lesbians, and an unwitting player in a local scandal; all the while bellowing and belching through fits of hypochondria.
- [Back to Ghoul: Encyclopedia Horrifica, Reviewed](https://theineptowl.com/2007/10/07/ghoul-encyclopedia-horrifica-reviewed/) - Would Count Dracula stand a chance against Vlad Dracula? How is an apparition different from a poltergeist? Do some people really have psychic powers? What the heck is that thing?
- [The Politics of Hobbits](https://theineptowl.com/2007/11/26/politics-hobbits/) - The American people are natural dreamers. We are idealists by default, which stems from the way in which our country was founded, the legacy of which has continued through the past 230 years, highlighted by several great shining triumphs. We rose from a disorganized amalgamation of 13 colonies to evolve into the unchallenged Superpower that we are today in grandiose fashion. We’ve gone to the moon, saved the world from fascism, and broken down social, racial, and gender related barriers which have truly started to deliver on the promise to provide “liberty and justice for all.” These are powerful ideals, and a powerful idea from the right person at the right time is what keeps societies in check.
- [Review of Svoy's "Eclectric"](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/12/review-svoys-eclectric/) - New York-based musician Svoy has a story that is all too familiar. Born in a small Russian town, he trained with the greatest talents his country had to offer, then moved to America to further pursue his dreams. Think of Baryshnikov or what probably happened with Ivan Drago after the end of Rocky IV. Except in this case, Svoy changed fields from jazz piano to electronica, so imagine Baryshnikov joining the cast of Stomp or Drago signing up for American Gladiator.
- [Must-Read Pick 2007: A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/29/mustread-pick-2007-long-memoirs-boy-soldier/) - Ishmael Beah was twelve years old when war invaded and abruptly ended his childhood in Sierra Leone. For four years he was swept into the atrocities of battle between rebel forces and the military, eventually being drafted into Sierra Leone’s army. At sixteen he was removed from the conflict by UNICEF and began the painful process of recovery. He has since gone on to become a college graduate, prominent speaker, and brilliant author. His narrative, A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier, is a heartbreaking and uplifting, harsh and tender, and moreover important account of the human soul and the effects of war.
- [Hollywood Goes to Washington](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/10/hollywood-washington/) - Today, the Writers Guild of America continued their workers strike for residuals from online sales. Picketing writers displayed signs saying, "We told you Leno needed us" and "You thought T.V was bad, now it's worse." A writer we spoke with told us, "We're in this for the long haul. We want our share of the industry, so get ready for lots of re-runs if this doesn't get resolved soon." He then added, "Can I get paid for this interview?"
- [Man of the Year: Meet the Candidates](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/04/man-year-meet-candidates/) - It's that time of year that the crew and readers think about the men who have affected our lives so profoundly. Before voting, however, you may want to read about what makes these candidates so special.
- [Woman of the Year: Meet the Candidates](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/04/woman-year-meet-candidates/) - It's that time of year that the crew and readers think about the women who have affected our lives so profoundly. Before voting, however, you may want to read about what makes these candidates so special.
- [In The Hand of Dante, Reviewed](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/09/hand-dante-reviewed/) - In The Hand of Dante is Nick Tosches’ bizarre hybrid of a novel. It follows two odysseys: Dante Alighieri struggles to capture the divine in prose. Seven hundred years later, Mafioso sleazebags struggle amongst themselves after sustaining a treasure of illimitable value.
- [Cast into Class, or The Beheading of the American Empire](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/19/cast-class-beheading-american-empire/) - It is time for the United States to be humble, before we are humiliated. We have a long history of acting like an empire abroad, while somehow keeping the truth about what we are actually doing hidden under a veil of lies, stump speeches, and cleverly labeled initiatives. Take Reagan; the most beloved modern saint of the Republican party. He led the American sheep through the 1980's by blowing sunshine up the collective national ass, all while propping up dictators and revolutionary armies around the world.
- [Missing Someone?](https://theineptowl.com/2008/02/08/missing/) - Have you lost touch with someone you once held dear? Have you been wanting to reconnect with that special person, but are put off by the invasive record searches offered by most "people-finders"? And what about the cost? There’s no guarantee that the unlisted phone number you just paid tens of dollars for is going to be current. Well, we here at SOS have your dear one’s privacy - and your budget - in mind!
- [Such Great Heights: A Valentine's Day Screening of Vertigo](https://theineptowl.com/2008/02/15/great-heights-valentines-day-screening-vertigo/) - Last year I celebrated my singledom on Valentine's Day by sitting at home, having a few beers, and watching both 'Kill Bill' movies back to back. Ah, romance. This year though, I went out. Lauren: The Fake Girlfriend and I went to see Vertigo at the Wexner Center at Ohio State. Nothing says "Love is in the air," like a classic film about a murdered wife and a truly creepy ex-cop trying to shape a living woman into the dead one that he loved.
- [City Strife: Review of Bright Lights, Big Ass](https://theineptowl.com/2008/02/25/343/) - Bright Lights, Big Ass is a memoir of Jen Lancaster’s experiences as a writer in the city; or more precisely, a former VP who turns to temping while pursuing a career in writing (in the city). She learns that her high-end salary didn’t buy happiness (“…I realize I never had a professional job I didn‘t loathe on some level.”).
- [Review of Radiohead's "In Rainbows"](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/14/review-radioheads-rainbows/) - You may remember Radiohead from their huge 1992 hit “Creep,” or from other hits such as… well, okay. That’s pretty much it. Radiohead pretty much disappeared from the mainstream North American music scene after that, though they remained a staple on college radio, sustained by all those kids who kept watching for the Gen-X version of the British Invasion. A sufficient level of hype and modest amount of internet marketing lead to a trio of albums starting in 2000 which charted high, yet produced no singles that anyone outside of their immediate families would recognize.
- [Review of darkpark](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/14/review-darkparks-titled-album/) - Mostly the brainchild of Larry Flynn, darkpark hails from Vermont where they play shows with multiple lineups. Mr. Flynn has transplanted the darkpark project from California to Vermont, where he moved a few years ago. This album was created while Mr. Flynn was a dweller of the left coast. It was actually created in both Sacramento and Oakland with help from Todd Roper on drums, Dan Eisenberg on keyboards and Robert Walter providing some guest organ work.
- [Woman of the Year: Kate Beckinsale](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/18/woman-year-kate-beckinsale/) - Enclosed is the letter we would have sent Kate Beckinsale, our Woman of the Year for 2007, if she returned our calls...or knew who we were besides the people she served a restraining order to.
- [Movie Review: 27 Dresses](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/21/movie-review-27-dresses/) - Try on some dresses with Rye Silverman as he reviews the new romantic comedy from the screenwriter of the Devil Wears Prada, 27 Dresses.
- [Stephen Colbert: Man of the Year](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/22/stephen-colbert-man-year/) - Today we honor a man that all of you, our readers, believed was more deserving of an award than Axl Rose. Here is the letter we have addressed to Dr. Stephen Tyrone Colbert.
- [Thirtysomething Aptitude Test](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/24/thirtysomething-aptitude-test/) - You've gotten through college, but can you get out of the house within a reasonable time? Take the TAT's and identify your strengths and weaknesses.
- [Windows Vista](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/25/windows-vista/)
- [Review of Dog's "Karmageddon"](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/26/review-dogs-karmageddon/) - Like any good music reviewer, I do my homework. So when I got my copy of Dog's “Karmageddon,” I did what any other critic does: I went online to start stealing other people's critiques. (Okay, that's not true. I went looking for Dog's website so I could have a copy of the lyrics handy as I was listening. But since there's no website, I just started trolling blogs and indie review sites that had already received a copy.)
- [Revenge Served Hot: The Meaning of Night, Reviewed](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/28/revenge-served-hot-meaning-night-reviewed/) - Recent successes such as The Sopranos and Dexter illustrate that a protagonist doesn’t have to be just or admirable to be captivating. The hero needn’t be a hero; and Michael Cox’s man, Edward Glyver, certainly falls short of the title, but he is fascinating to witness. He’s a scholar; a bibliophile; he’s a man of passions. He’s a whoring laudanum abuser; a patron of opium dens; he’s a murderer. And he’s our narrator.
- [A Kodak Moment](https://theineptowl.com/2008/02/03/kodak-moment/) - It felt good to finally get a chance to scream! I had tried circling the Kodak Theater once before deciding to park at home and hoof it over on foot. Everything was blocked off! Not a street spot, not an open lot, not even the underground parking garages! It was very busy driving by, even by L.A. standards. You could tell that something really big was going on.
- [Apple Unveils New "iShirt"](https://theineptowl.com/2008/02/05/apple-unveils-ishirt/) - Today at a video conference from Apple Headquarters in Cupertino, California, CEO and co-founder Steve Jobs revealed the latest innovation from the technology giant: the iShirt. Jobs said, “It is the next generation of apparel, designed for the highly discerning individual. It is made of the finest, most high-tech materials known to man. In fact, the material is actually invisible to anyone not of sufficient intellect. The shirts are lightweight and comfortable. And at only $500 apiece, they are the must-have item this year.”
- [You Don't Know What Love Is](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/19/love/) - I love the White Stripes. This is a declaration that seems sort of silly in 2008. Why take the time to write about your love of a band that has been around since 1999, and has held a firm foothold in the mainstream realm of "cool" music since 2001's "White Blood Cells"?
- [Families Living By River Caught Off-Guard By Flooding](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/25/families-living-river-caught-offguard-flooding/) - Families with homes along the Ohio River woke up this morning, shocked to find their backyards covered in water. Due to greater-than-average snowfall, followed by greater-than-average rainfall, the Ohio River has grown to surprisingly greater-than-average levels. Entire communities have become flooded as the waters have continued to rise over the past few days. Sandbags are in short supply, as are Wet-Vacs, oars, and dry underpants.
- [Review of Counting Crows' "Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings"](https://theineptowl.com/2008/04/02/review-counting-crows-saturday-nights-sunday-mornings/) - Remember Counting Crows? Lead singer was a white dude with dreadlocks? Had that song, “Mr. Jones.” It was all over MTV, back when MTV played videos? You kinda liked them because the lyrics were obscure, but not Pearl Jam obscure. The lyrics were depressing, but not Nirvana depressing. They were, like… Grunge Lite. You probably owned their first album, “August and Everything After.” You might have picked up one of the next three albums, “Recovering the Satellites,” “This Desert Life,” or “Hard Candy.” But considering they were releasing albums at the blistering rate of one every three years, you probably lost interest at some point. After all, there are plenty of bands out there with obscurely-written and depressing lyrics that you didn’t have to wait almost an entire election cycle to hear their next release.
- [Woman Awarded Degree In Pop Psychology](https://theineptowl.com/2008/04/06/woman-awarded-degree-pop-psychology/) - This afternoon, the American Psychological Association awarded local woman Angie Parsons a degree in pop psychology, despite her having taken just two college courses in psychology. “This is an amazing honor, and one I completely deserve,” said Ms. Parsons. “While I may not have any knowledge based in academia or research, I’ve spent enough time gathering information from other sources to warrant my B.S.”
- [Review of STAGE FOUR's "Love Finds Peter Plogojowitz"](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/14/review-stage-fours-love-finds-peter-plogojowitz/) - As a first-rate music critic for a first-rate online publication, I find that careful research is an essential component to my craft. So, naturally, when I received a copy of STAGE FOUR’s album, “Love Finds Peter Plogojowitz,” my first instinct was to look up the essential information. No, not the band’s bio. No, not their musical influences. I wanted the critical element for this album: who the hell is Peter Plogojowitz?
- [Vatican Puts New Spin on New Testament](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/21/vatican-puts-spin-testament/) - A stunning new document has been released from Vatican archives just in time for the Easter holiday. It is supposedly a transcript of the first conversation between Jesus Christ and Thomas the Apostle after Christ’s return from the grave. The author remains unknown, and the transcript is the subject of much debate among Christians. The Inept Owl is pleased to bring you an exclusive look at this controversial new addition to the Bible.
- [English Law Loses Jolly Good Fun](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/25/english-law-loses-jolly-good-fun/) - The House Of Lords recently passed a bill to remove the blasphemy laws from English statute books. This still needs to be passed by the House Of Commons to become official, but it looks likely. There are two main reasons given for rendering blasphemy legal in the UK. The first is to give the UK Government the moral high ground in international cases of 'Religious Excess' - the recent story of the British school-teacher who mistakenly named the class Teddy Bear "Mohammed" and incurred the wrath of Allah for her troubles, and the whole business last year of the newspaper that printed cartoons of The Prophet Mohammed and also incurred the wrath of Allah, (he gets about a bit), are just two cases in point.
- [MapQuest Behind Aqua Car](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/29/mapquest-aqua-car/) - Recently scientists from Switzerland have released the prototype for a new vehicle, one which could travel on land and also the depths of the oceans. This convertible aqua car could drive 77 miles per hour on flat ground, and roughly a whopping 3 miles an hour underwater, running solely on electrical engineering.
- [Downey Ain't No Jive Turkey, Soul Brother!](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/09/downey-jive-turkey-soul-brother/) - Fans of Ben Stiller will certainly be anticipating his new movie, Tropic Thunder . 'Thunder' will be the fourth movie in which Stiller steps behind the lens as director, a role he has a very good track record with, considering his previous three films are Reality Bites, Cable Guy, and Zoolander. What's that? You thought Zoolander sucked? Well you know what? You suck! Sorry. Sometimes I get upset.
- [Fire Protesters Follow Olympic Flame](https://theineptowl.com/2008/04/13/fire-protesters-follow-olympic-flame/) - Since its lighting in Olympia, Greece, the flame of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games has been targeted by demonstrators and protesters intent on extinguishing the flame. The International Olympic Committee has been aggravated by the actions of these people, if only because of the reason for the protests: these people are against fire.
- [Review of Sheryl Crow's "Detours"](https://theineptowl.com/2008/02/26/review-sheryl-crows-detours/) - At long last, Sheryl Crow is ready for me. I mean, you can see it everywhere in her sixth studio release, "Detours." Even in the title, she's detailing the circuitous path to my arms. She started out as the dark chick rocker with 1993's "Tuesday Night Music Club," wound her way up through layers of fame and stardom, did the inevitable "greatest hits" collection, struggled with becoming a radio-friendly pop rocker, and eventually wound up at my politically liberal doorstep.
- [Ask An Owl: Man-Purses](https://theineptowl.com/2008/02/29/ask-an-owl-man-purses/) - Mr Inept Owl, A lot of people have joked about the fact that the style of women's handbags and purses have gotten so small you can't fit anything into it besides some lip gloss and a cell phone, but no-one ever really answers the question, "Why?"
- [Britney Spears Petitions for Visitation Rights to her Va-Jay-Jay](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/03/britney-spears-petitions-visitation-rights-vajayjay/) - In a courtroom in Los Angeles, a tearful Britney Spears today requested that the courts allow her have the right to see and play with her va-jay-jay again, after having had her custody rights revoked two months ago. During her well-publicized breakdown in January of this year, Ms. Spears was ruled incompetent, and guardians were established for nearly every aspect of her life. Former husband Kevin Federline was given complete control of the couple’s two children, and her father took charge of her personal affairs—including her mommy bits.
- [The Lesser of All Evils](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/09/lesser-evils/) - It's almost election time again, and there's really no one I really care to vote for. Seems that all the Presidential candidates have skeletons in their closets and/or ties to big business and big money. What it really comes down to is what puppet you want to elect, the puppet on the left or the puppet on the right. Who's lies are you more willing to accept? The current state of world affairs are in turmoil. We've got global warming, floods, fires, earthquakes, famine, and last but not least, terrorist attacks. What color threat level are we up to now? Aqua, Magenta, or something like that.
- [Terribly Good (and Terrible): The Somnambulist, Reviewed](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/15/terribly-good-terrible-somnambulist-reviewed/) - "Be warned. This book has no literary merit whatsoever. It is a lurid piece of nonsense... I doubt you'll believe a word of it." With an intro like that, how could one resist continuing onward into the eerie realm of Jonathan Barnes' The Somnambulist?
- [Truly Mortifying: A Book Review Double Feature](https://theineptowl.com/2008/04/13/mortifying-book-review-double-feature/) - Weird out your coffee table (and possibly your guests) with this collection of strange, sad, funny, or just plain messed-up deaths. Chapters include “Oops”, “It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time”, “Deaths Foretold”, and “So Sexy It Hurts”. Each chapter is opened with a mortifying moment from the life of the author (who, fortunately, lived to see the publication).
- [Local Grump Registers Lawn as Nature Reserve](https://theineptowl.com/2008/04/22/local-grump-registers-lawn-nature-reserve/) - Stamford, CT: In honor of Earth Day, local complainer Sam Peterson recently registered his front yard with the National Park Service's nature reserve program in order to protect the various flora and fauna that thrive on his lawn. Put simply, "I had to find a way to keep the damn kids off my lawn, and spraying them with the garden hose wasn't doing the job," stated Mr. Peterson.
- [President Places Embargo on Future American Pie Movies](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/06/president-places-embargo-future-american-pie-movies/) - Washington, DC: In an effort to improve his popularity rating as his second term dwindles to a close, President Bush delighted the nation by placing an embargo upon Adam Herz to stop him from releasing any future releases of American Pie spin-offs. "I like comedy. Every good American should like to laugh, as long as it isn't at me. And I liked the movie American Pie. It has 'American' in it, and people say 'American as apple pie,' so to me that's pretty patriotic. But too much pie makes me need to use the bathroom. Which is like all these sequels. It's too much pie," President Bush stated in his press conference.
- [Surprise! You're an Idiot.](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/13/surprise-idiot/) - Today's lesson: Irony. We'll begin by first, acknowledging that very few people actually know what "irony" is. Go ahead. Admit it. You've called something "ironic" when it wasn't. Lucky for you, most people don't know what irony actually is. You're probably thinking, "Yes I do. Alanis Morissette told me all about it in 1995. She wouldn't lie. Canadians never lie." Well kids, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but-- Wait. Actually I’ll take great pleasure in crushing your spirits-- anyway, I feel that what I'm about to tell you is long overdue, and integral if I ever hope to see America develop a sense of humor.
- [A Young Lion in Our Midst: Ron Currie, Jr. Talks to the Owl](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/25/young-lion-midst-ron-currie-jr-talks-owl/) - Listen: When Ron Currie, Jr. awoke from troubled dreams one morning, he found that he had been transformed in his bed into an award-winning author. Sort of. Ron’s transformation actually happened on the evening of April 30, 2008, when he was presented with the 2008 New York Public Library’s Young Lions Award in recognition of his debut novel, God is Dead (2007, Viking). The story is a believable account of mankind’s reaction to a devastating supernatural event (spoiler alert: God dies). At 33, Currie has already been compared to Kafka and Vonnegut.
- [Arab Militants Face Dressing Down](https://theineptowl.com/2008/06/03/arab-militants-face-dressing/) - Arab extremists are up in arms right now, after a prominent member was recently contacted by a U.S Army general, who was out in the outskirts of Kabul, looking to buy some Do-Nuts.
- [The Pirate Ferry](https://theineptowl.com/2008/06/06/pirate-ferry/) - It had been six years since I left my home. I had packed up and left my wild and wicked ways behind me. The town of Makawao on the Hawaiian island of Maui would be a much safer place...or would it? I had left the country life for the big city. I had to get away. I had to escape the madness of small town, strung out druggies, ignorant hicks, small minded, but big mouthed people. These people are everywhere, don't get me wrong. I love my hometown, but the time had come for me to move on, or to be stuck there for the rest of my life. Anyway, it was time for me to revisit the past people and places who made me who I am today. (Now that's a scary thought.)
- [Movie Review: Iron Man](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/05/movie-review-iron-man/) - Iron Man is a character that I never in my history of comic book fandom cared about. When talk first started circulating about an Iron Man movie, my thought was “I guess they’re hitting them all eventually,” considering that we’ve already been subjected to Ghost Rider and Daredevil/Elektra. Especially now that Marvel has founded their very own studio so that they can produce movies themselves instead of selling the rights and points on the back end to others, it seems fairly certain that their catalog of heroes isn’t going to be closing itself off to the multiplex any time soon. But after seeing Iron Man, I’m sort of ok with that.
- [What Happens in Vegas Probably Sucks](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/09/vegas-sucks/) - Rye Silverman reviews What Happens in Vegas without actually seeing the movie, because "So help me God, no power on this earth could make me do it!"
- [Turner in His Grave](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/15/turner-grave/) - The shortlist for the 2008 Turner Prize has been announced by Tate Britain, and as expected, features random items of tat, stuck together with sticky-tape and dumped in a large room.
- [Speed Racer Movie Review](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/16/speed-racer-movie-review/) - I went to a movie the other night. It had been a while since I had been to one because of all the good stuff life brings (job, bills, the overall daily rigamarol). As it was now a rare occasion to go to the movies, I wanted something that truly exemplified a summer movie experience…and no, I’m not talking about Iron Man (while a great movie in its own right, I’m gonna say its slightly overated…so nyah ;). I’m talking IMAX time, folks. And I’m talking Speed Racer!
- [Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Review](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/22/indiana-jones-kingdom-crystal-skull-review/) - Despite my deep geek side wanting to, I resisted the temptation to go see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at the "12:01" screening. I decided that I had waited 19 years for a new Indy, I could wait 'til Thursday morning. So when I was talking to a friend about it at 12:15, his response was "I heard it sucks." An odd thing to hear about a movie that had been out for about fourteen minutes and really had probably not even started yet when you consider the trailers. I pointed this fact out to him. "Oh but the reviews are bad," he said. The reality again is that the reviews, while not stellar, have not been bad. The movie has floated between 77-80% freshness on RottenTomatoes, and that percentage has been increasing, not declining, as it opens nationwide.
- [Dog to Revamp TV Show](https://theineptowl.com/2008/06/02/dog-revamp-tv-show/) - In light of social unrest following Duane "Dog" Chapman's publicized racist slurs in November of 2007, the A&E reality show Dog the Bounty Hunter suspended filming for its fifth season. Finally, at the end of June, the filming that was completed will be aired in a shorter season of the hit reality show.
- [Under The Influence](https://theineptowl.com/2008/04/14/influence/) - Investigations into alleged bribery and corruption surrounding one of the UK's biggest ever arms deals look set to begin again, following a High Court ruling. The arms deal, worth some £43 billion, involved British company BAE Systems, and those old lovers of freedom and justice, Saudi Arabia.
- [Know-It-All Appointed to Cabinet Post](https://theineptowl.com/2008/04/15/knowitall-appointed-cabinet-post/) - Washington, DC: After years of having his genius unrecognized, today perennial know-it-all Jim Wilson finally received his due: a Cabinet position. Speaking from the White House, Mr. Wilson said simply, “I knew it would happen.” Previously, Mr. Wilson had worked in the IT department for a business in Seattle, Washington. The state of Washington is known to be a gathering point for such know-it-all establishments as indie music fans, Starbucks, and Microsoft, so it was no surprise that Mr. Wilson got his start in such a place.
- [Man Finishes To-Do List](https://theineptowl.com/2008/04/19/man-finishes-todo-list/) - After 27 years, a Knoxville man actually completely finished off his “honey-do” list. He celebrated the accomplishment by taking a guilt-free Sunday afternoon nap for the first time in decades. “Well, it wasn’t easy,” said James Davis, 53. “But after the first 15 years, I started getting smart. First, I ripped out all the grass and turned everything into flowerbeds, so there was no grass to mow. I planted perennials, so I wouldn’t have to go back and plant new stuff every year. And I actually salted the earth everywhere there wasn’t a plant, to make sure no weeds—or anything else—ever grew in those areas.”
- [Ask An Owl: College Choices](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/10/ask-an-owl-college-choices/) - Mr. Owl, I've recently been accepted into the college of my choice, and I really want to write for a living, preferrably screenplays or novels, something with artistic substance, but with some commercial value. What should I do in college to prep for this?
- [Apocalypse Then: Armageddon In Retrospect, Reviewed](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/11/apocalypse-armageddon-retrospect-reviewed/) - The main feature of Armageddon in Retrospect is a series of twelve previously unpublished pieces on the subjects of war and peace. In A Man Without a Country, Vonnegut talked about the many unsuccessful attempts he made to write about his experiences in World War II before completing Slaughterhouse-Five. It would be fair to assume that several of the writings included in Armageddon in Retrospect are the result of these attempts; whether or not the pieces are unsuccessful is a subject of greater debate.
- [NBC Unveils Plan to End Late Night in 2010](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/15/nbc-unveils-plan-late-night-2010/) - In one year's time, Conan O'Brien will replace Jay Leno as NBC's poster-middle-aged-comedian for talk show hosts by heading The Tonight Show. However, this has brought about the excruciating job of finding a replacement for Conan. In lieu of the failure rate of new late-late night talk show hosts and hostesses(see Jimmy Kimmel), NBC has begun plans to cancel Late Night altogether. "The truth is, if people are really staying up that late, they aren't watching television. Unless it's after sex," commented NBC producer Lorne Michaels.
- [Review of Sirius Satellite Radio](https://theineptowl.com/2008/05/26/review-sirius-satellite-radio/) - Being a glutton for punishment, I invested in the necessary portions of a plug-and-play Sirius™ satellite radio system recently: a stereo with car kit, a home kit, and a subscription. The car kit was easy to install. All I had to do was attach a magnetic antenna to the car. Oh, and run the attached cable under the seal around my rear window, down into the trunk, behind the upholstery, through the back seat, down the passenger side of the car under the carpet, past the front seat, under the floormat, and up the dashboard. On the bright side, I found three dollars in loose change in the process.
- [An Ode to The Pontiff of Profanity](https://theineptowl.com/2008/06/28/ode-pontiff-profanity/) - Another one gone. George Carlin, philosopher, sage, wise man, one of the great social and political commentators of our time. No doubt he'll join the other comedic legends of his genre. The likes of Lenny Bruce and Bill Hicks. As the days after his death passed by I couldn't go on without saying something about this innovator of comedy. Born May 12, 1937 in New York City. George Carlin was just 21yrs. old when Elvis first started out. Carlin lived through the 50's Rock n' Roll era. In 1957 he was discharged from the Air Force and went to work at a radio station. He'd go through the 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's, and into 2000 entertaining us.
- [About Art School](https://theineptowl.com/2008/07/11/art-school/) - Back in art school at one point we were assigned a project where we had to pair-up and build some kind of "artist's environment'. I was working with Stretch (now a successful sculptor) on this all-wood creation that can only be described as a jungle gym for midgets. It had different levels and towers, a plank, and this piece of metal and wire fencing that hung from the ceiling via cables. I had become accustomed to working on this thing as a team every night, but Stretch would always knock off at his discretion. Usually about 9:30 at night.
- [The Phone in Chief](https://theineptowl.com/2008/07/18/phone-chief/) - For years, the President's phone in the Oval Office has been a closely-guarded secret. Being the hotline to the most powerful person in the western world, it is naturally the greatest phone in the history of mankind(with the exception of Adam West's Batman phone.) Even such powerful dignitaries as the Pope, the British Prime Minister, and Mike & Mike from ESPN Radio have been forbidden from using, taking pictures of, or even looking at the Presidential telephone. However, the incredibly talented journalists here at the Inept Owl have been able to get the first known shot of the Commander-in-Chief's phone. By using a brilliant combination of The Freedom of Information Act, a camera phone, and some well-timed boob-flashing, they were able to get the following photograph.
- [Get Smart: The Actual Review](https://theineptowl.com/2008/06/20/smart-actual-review/) - Back in January, I wrote a blog that debated how good an idea a Get Smart remake was in 2008. Can a parody of a genre that no longer functions in the same way it is being parodied work? Having seen the movie, the answer is yes.
- [NY Times to Hire Bloggers](https://theineptowl.com/2008/06/22/ny-times-hire-bloggers/) - In a bold move, the New York Times announced today that they will begin laying off journalists and columnists, then replace them with bloggers. Sarah Huffledink, spokesperson for the esteemed newspaper, explained the decision in a press conference this morning. “To be honest, we had to do something. Subscriptions have reached an all-time low. People are turning more and more to the internet for their information. We decided it was time to embrace the new culture of news reporting.”
- [McMahon Enters Sweepstakes](https://theineptowl.com/2008/06/23/mcmahon-enters-sweepstakes/) - In lieu of recently public financial troubles, Ed McMahon had recently entered the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, of which he is the celebrity spokesman for, with a response of awkwardness and anger from his adoring public. Most noted as Johnny Carson's right-hand man and "human laugh track" on The Tonight Show, 85 year old McMahon "Hiyooooo!"-ed himself by defaulting on his mortgage, and has been trying to sell his Beverly Hills estate ever since.
- [Review: WALL*E](https://theineptowl.com/2008/06/28/review-walle/) - Pixar studio's new release, Wall*E, is following a long line of highly successful animated features from a company who consistently shows they know what they are doing with the medium. Wall*E, as we were told from the first teaser trailer, is the last of the original concepts drawn up by Pixar upon the release of Toy Story. It comes to us 13 years after that first film, and so one must wonder if there was a particular reason why it took so much longer than say, A Bug's Life or Finding Nemo, and after new concepts such as The Incredibles, Cars, and Ratatouille.
- [Hancock Review](https://theineptowl.com/2008/07/04/hancock-review/) - Once again fulfilling his 4th of July weekend movie quota, Will Smith appears as the titular burned out superhero in Hancock. Previews for months have shown scenes of Smith flying around LA with a bottle of whiskey in his hand, a ratty ski cap on his head, and a case of five o'clock shadow, as he smashes through freeway signs and in general causes more problems than he stops.
- [Millions Buy, Confused By, iPhone 3G](https://theineptowl.com/2008/07/14/millions-buy-confused-iphone-3g/) - Worldwide: This past weekend Apple released a new version of their iPhone, a move most of the over 10 million technology-driven consumers knew was eventual but couldn't fathom happening so soon. The iPhone 3G, also known as "Stumpy" to techno-geeks, boasts major upgrades, most that could be done to last year's iPhone, the others
- [Alanis Morissette's "Flavors of Entanglement"](https://theineptowl.com/2008/07/15/alanis-morissettes-flavors-entanglement/) - Welcome to Flavors Of Entanglement Don't get me wrong. Lyrically, this is still Alanis. You still have a “kiss my ass” anthem in “Straightjacket.” You still have the “I admire you from a distance” credo in “In Praise of the Vulnerable Man.” You have the “I'm at rock bottom but I'll make it someday” types in “Incomplete” and “Not As We.” But apparently, somebody thought it would be a good idea to layer some techno crap on top of her singing and call it an album. At one point, I actually looked to make sure I hadn't downloaded the soundtrack for Underworld 3 by mistake.
- [Mugabe Stripped of Knighthood, Meat Pies](https://theineptowl.com/2008/07/16/mugabe-stripped-knighthood-meat-pies/) - Critics of the British Monarchy have been dealt a right royal slap this week, courtesy of its head honcho, The Queen. The Royals, who are generally labeled as "behind the times" and "out of touch with reality", responded to its detractors with a regal kidney punch to the very heart of their arguments, in the face! Queen Elizabeth II, (or II, as she is known by close friends), displayed to all the world how well informed and decisive she is, by stripping newly elected President of Zimbabwe, General Robert Mugabe, of his Honorary Knighthood before he did anything slightly dishonorable.
- [Trick of the Tail](https://theineptowl.com/2008/07/27/trick-tail/) - For months I had what I believed to be a boil, abscess, or ingrown hair or something right on the crack of my ass. Right up at the top where the tailbone ends. It kind of itched and puffed up, so I called the doctor's office and told the receptionist that I had a boil, abscess, or tumor somewhere between my toes and my teeth. She laughed hardily at this. So when I went in the doctor told me that it was a tail. You heard me! A tail!
- [Sugar Pops VS. Sugar Smacks](https://theineptowl.com/2008/07/27/sugar-pops-sugar-smacks/) - The editor asked that I compare Sugar Pops® and Sugar Smacks® in some sort of fashion dictated by my experience as an artist. While being an artist is not a pre-requisite for judging/comparing cereals, I do have the advantage of hailing from a City that is home to Quaker Oats as well as General Mills. This compounded by the fact that cereal was the fuel that allowed me to sit through hours of cartoons every Saturday morning DOES qualify me to at least compare and compress these two products.
- [Vice-Presidential Possibilities](https://theineptowl.com/2008/06/09/vicepresidential-possibilities/) - Finally, after months of campaigning, online voting, and tons of jokes about Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul(assuming he is really finished and Ralph Nader isn't Ron Paul with color-treated hair), America has been given the Republican and Democratic Party's top candidates for the 2008 election.
- [Freak Weather System Due to Hit London](https://theineptowl.com/2008/06/17/freak-weather-system-due-hit-london/) - Meteorologists around the world are warning of a huge band of severe weather, due to hit London U.K. within the next 2 weeks. Their predictions make for unsettling reading, as they forecast gale force winds, hail storms, snow, thunder, lightning, sleet, hurricanes, levels of rainfall not seen since the days of Noah, and even a 300 foot high Tsunami on the river Thames which runs through the great city.
- [More Apologies are in Order](https://theineptowl.com/2008/07/31/apologies-order/) - On Tuesday, the U.S. House of Representatives formally apologized for the "fundamental injustice, cruelty, brutality, and inhumanity" of slavery and the legal segregation of African-Americans. Which, of course, as Martha Stewart would say, is "a good thing." The apology took more than 143 years (which, coincidentally, is John McCain's age) to come to fruition. However, I don't believe that the U.S. House of Representatives should stop there. I would officially like to submit my request that they apologize for the following things as well (and, please, don't let 143 years pass by before doing so).
- [Lizzie!!!](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/01/lizzie/) - Back when I painted billboards and worked at the newspaper, I lived with a woman who was ten years older than I in a four-plex. The ventilation system was such that you could hear every single noise coming from the lower apartment. Right beneath us lived Lizzie, her boyfriend Bryan, and Bryan Jr. who had not yet reached two-years of age. It seemed that every weekend there had to develop some sort of loud, obnoxious argument between Bryan and Lizzie, and it tended to really get in the way of things like intimacy, television viewing, listening to the soft soothing sounds of pre-commercial Genesis, or hearing yourself think.
- [President Twice as Popular as Congress](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/11/president-popular-congress/) - Washington, DC: In a recent poll of registered voters who own home phones, happen to be home in the evenings between Thursday and Sunday, were likely to vote in the next election, and spoke passable English, President Bush scored a 2% approval rating. While not an overwhelming statistic, the White House helpfully pointed out that the same poll gave an overall Congressional approval rating of 1%. Press Secretary Tony Snow, speaking from an undisclosed location known only to the President and Fox News, said, “This is obviously a mandate from the American people. They demand that Democrats in Congress put aside their ideas and get in line with what the President is doing. Whenever he figures out something to do other than shoot down Congress' ideas.”
- [Condos For Mice](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/25/condos-mice/) - My Father used to teach at a high school here in Iowa. Anyway - One year he thought it would be nice to bring a little white mouse home for my sister. We had a hexagonal aquarium that sat dry in the garage for years, so this was to become the new home for this former laboratory mouse. She set up wood chips and a water bottle. Little containers with food in them. One morning I went upstairs and noticed that she now had two mice in the aquarium. "What's this", I asked her. She was just as shocked as I. Apparently a wild mouse found its way into this aquarium somehow and had made friends with this white mouse, who was female. You can guess what started happening soon after. yes - They bred like, well... Mice!
- [Item on Craigslist Exactly as Advertised](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/04/item-craigslist-advertised/) - Today, a television advertised on the popular classified ads website Craigslist was found to be in the exact condition advertised. The item in question was listed as "27 inch Sony LCD flat-screen television in good shape, $300" in the electronics section of the San Francisco page. Frequent Craigslist user Adam Henkle called the number listed, fully expecting to have the item not live up to expectations.
- [$14 Million Will Get You Pictures of a Stranger's Kids](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/06/14-million-pictures-strangers-kids/) - People Magazine has shelled out a reported fourteen million dollars (Yes, you read that right. Fourteen. Million. Dollars.) in exchange for photographs of the guaranteed-to-be-insanely-beautiful-as-they-grow-older twins (Vivienne Marcheline and Knox Leon? What, Jennifer Lynn and Bobby Joe weren’t good enough?) who have sprung forth from the loins of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.
- [Pineapple Express Review](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/10/pineapple-express-review/) - Rye Silverman follows the jokers, the smokers, and the midnight toker's for a ride on the Pineapple Express.
- [Crowd Shocked by Stone Temple Pilots](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/11/crowd-shocked-stone-temple-pilots/) - Fans of the 90's alternative rock sensation Stone Temple Pilots were stunned by their reunion show at the Nikon Theater at Jones Beach in August when the band came onstage merely thirty minutes after the opening band, Black Rebel Motocycle Club. The timing caused the complacent crowd to riot, pulling up chairs and accosting security guards. "I was pissed! The last time I went to see them in New Jersey it took an hour and a half to get Scott Weiland on stage, so I thought I had some time to snort a few lines in the restrooms.
- [Atlanta Receives Unexpected Disaster Relief](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/11/atlanta-receives-unexpected-disaster-relief/) - Residents of the city of Atlanta were stunned yesterday as federal relief vehicles rolled into the heart of the city loaded with food, water, medicine, and other emergency supplies such as blankets, batteries, and miniature American flags. The disaster relief was directly instituted by President George Bush himself. The mayor of Atlanta, Shirley Franklin, publicly thanked President Bush for his help, as unnecessary as it was. "I'm not too sure why the federal government felt the need to supply us with so many amenities. Maybe they thought we had become melancholy and unproductive since our lovable baseball team, the Atlanta Braves, went into a losing streak. In any event, we thank President Bush for his generosity," stated the mayor.
- [Bible Camp](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/13/bible-camp/) - Back in my younger days I attended a Bible camp. This was related to a non-denominational church and seemed fairly sane after the frightening Southern Baptists that I was abducted by when I was twelve. That is another story though. I can tell you that the highlight of the Bible camp I attended under the Baptists was my description of the movie Star Wars to these kids who were forbidden to watch television, dance, or play rock and roll music. Anyway – back to the more “sane” Bible camp.
- [British Launch of Excess Smug at America Backfires](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/19/british-launch-excess-smug-america-backfires/) - So what of the huge world economic circus right now? Recent figures show oil prices hitting record levels, bio-fuel policy backfiring and pushing the cost of food through the roof, and banks posting record losses. But it's not all good news.
- [My Views On The World News: 8-21-08](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/21/views-world-news-82108/) - Here’s a revolutionary idea: you could also ask your kid to read a book every once in awhile. Remember those? They used to be “all the rage” before a fellow by the name of Philo Farnsworth came around with his newest invention, the television. So maybe you should try turning off the fancy invention every once in a while, ignore the consternation sure to follow, and suggest your kid focus on learning from literature instead of becoming immersed in twelve hour ‘MTV’s The Real World’ marathons.
- [With Great Power Comes Great Irresponsibility](https://theineptowl.com/2008/07/28/great-power-great-irresponsibility/) - With many of my American friends caught up in the Obamamania, and excited about the prospect of seeing real democratic change and a new beginning, I thought it was about time for me to 'piss on your fireworks' as we say here in England. Armed only with hindsight, experience, cynicism, and an old time machine I found lying about here, I can bring you a look ahead as to what you can expect from 'The Dark Knight' of current U.S. politics.
- [Perez Hilton Rumored to be Gay](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/18/perez-hilton-rumored-gay/) - According to industry insiders, Perez Hilton (real name: Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr.), the well-known blogger and television personality, is a closeted homosexual. Hilton, disliked and feared by many in Hollywood for his gossip columns, claims that he is, in fact, an outspoken homosexual. He has even gone so far as to state this on his website/gossip page.
- [McCain's Birth Certificate Located In Basement](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/23/mccains-birth-certificate-located-basement/) - Washington, D.C. –An intern at the Smithsonian Institution has discovered the whereabouts of presidential hopeful John McCain’s birth certificate in the most unlikely of places – a spider’s web in the basement of the venerable institution’s research library. Abigail Pressler, 25, was assigned the task of cleaning a corner of the basement when she noticed what appeared to be a ball of paper trapped in the center of a nearby spider web. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that the paper had an “aged” look to it. “My curiosity got the best of me and I reached for the piece of paper,” said Ms. Pressler. “As I grabbed it, the black widow spider who constructed the web must have gotten upset at my intrusion because the petulant little monster sunk her fangs into my hand.”
- [Fantastic Coverage of Hurricane Gustav](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/02/fantastic-coverage-hurricane-gustav/) - Geraldo Rivera gives us the harrowing story of an emergency worker that was, for some reason, IN THE WATER!!! Luckily, the boat he hopped out of and was attached to him via lifeline was there to "save" him.
- [Letter of the Week: 9-4-08](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/04/letter-of-the-week-9-4-08/) - i think there should be more gratuidous nudity on this site!!!
- [Canada Dissolves Parliament, Discovers Monarchy](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/08/canada-dissolves-parliament-discovers-monarchy/) - Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to dissolve facade surrounding the Canadian Government, with hilarious consequences. In what was originally dubbed a move to solidify power in his party's minority government status, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper dissolved his nation's parliament only to discover that they were still actually a monarchy under the authority of Queen Elizabeth II of England.
- [Air Conditioning At Work](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/09/air-conditioning-work/) - Here's a problem that seems to follow me around much like the black storm cloud that follows Charlie Brown, or the way Bat Mite would constantly be tagging along and annoying the cartoon versions of Batman & Robin (not to mention the viewing audience). I am speaking of air conditioning at work. Now, this happens everywhere and I have yet to have this addressed in a sane way - or addressed at all! Every summer there is inevitably some huge whale of a woman who decides against her better judgement (or not) to don a thin set of shorts and a sleeveless top into work where the air conditioner has been running for at least four or five weeks already - okay? It never fails. At some point I see them cramming a paper clip into the thermostat to disable the air conditioning. You have to understand that Iowa is so humid all year that it can be 68 degrees and you can be sweating like a hog, and nobody seems to have learned this here except for me.
- [And The Brand Played On](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/12/brand-played/) - Obnoxious loudmouthed Gimp-Boy, Russel Brand, upset audience members and stars at the MTV awards this week by turning up and performing his act. The British 'comedian', whose recent tv shows in the UK were axed due to a general lack of interest and content, managed to stun viewers by talking about something other than his penis.
- [Knight-Ridden Bitter Over Remake](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/12/knightridden-bitter-remake/) - K.I.T.T. of Knight Rider fame comes to terms over the recreation of the show that made him and blinking LED lights famous.
- [Review of Darius Rucker's "Learn to Live"](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/18/review-darius-ruckers-learn-live/) - We are in the midst of a cross-marketing Babylon. Musical whores are jumping across genres to sell albums left and right, and country music is the biggest beneficiary. First, Sheryl Crow had a brief fling with the twangy stuff. Then, Jewel went over to the dark side. Even Jessica Simpson, whose deeply moving pop lyrics should have guaranteed her a spot in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, has crossed the border. And today, I offer you the greatest travishamockery in the history of music: Darius Rucker has gone country. In case you don't recognize the name, Darius is Hootie of "Hootie & The Blowfish" fame. Yes, that guy. The African-American guy with the shaved head and gravely voice.
- [Letter of the Week: 9-24-08](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/24/letter-of-the-week-9-24-08/) - I would like to personally thank "Ken" for setting us straight about what is truly important to music and the arts. But I'm on to YOU, "KEN," or, dare I say, leader of the Blowfish.
- [Ask An Owl: Full House](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/25/ask-an-owl-full-house/) - Dear Owl, I have a problem that I'm hoping you can help solve. I'm addicted to 'Full House,' that wonderful show that aired from 1987 to 1995 on ABC. I've seen every episode (192) at least fifteen times and also have read the Full House Stephanie book series (33 books total) so many times that the ink has rubbed off of the pages.
- [Review of Coldplay's "Viva La Vida"](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/27/review-coldplays-viva-la-vida/) - You remember Coldplay. They were the English rock band that the radio deejays fell in love with a couple years ago, playing songs like "Clocks" and "The Scientist" until you were ready to throw yourself into traffic just so you wouldn't have to hear them played one more time. They take on charitable causes. They don't let their music be used in advertising (except for iPods). They're like the British version of U2, only less famous. And less talented. And less cool. Lead singer Chris Martin is perhaps best known for being bold enough to legally bond himself to Gwyneth Paltrow and spawning oddly-named children like "Apple" and "Moses."
- [Keanu Reeves to Direct Royal Shakespeare Company](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/28/keanu-reeves-direct-royal-shakespeare-company/) - Keanu Reeves, long recognized as one of the finest actors of his generation, has decided to retire from his current career as a film star and accept a position as Director of The Royal Shakespeare Company. His office will be located in the Courtyard Theatre in Stratford-upon-Avon, the very town in which William Shakespeare was born and raised. Mr. Reeves couldn’t be more excited with this latest career move.
- [Roaches in a Jar](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/31/roaches-jar/) - A few years ago I struck out on my own. I left my parents house and had to find an apartment that I could afford in a decent location. I settled on a small place with two rooms, basically. The kitchen and living room were all one room, and there was a bedroom also. After I went through the exchange of cash to secure the place via a six-month lease, they handed me a form to fill out regarding the overall condition of the apartment upon moving in. This would, in theory, be the basis for me receiving or not receiving my deposit when I decided to move on. I took the form and headed to my new, exciting residence. I had a few things moved in at that point – my potato chip chair that I slept in, my stereo, computer, etc…
- [Ask An Owl: Rosie O'Donnell](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/31/ask-an-owl-rosie-odonnell/) - Dear Owl, How would Rosie O'Donnell's life had been if she was a woman in the workplace?
- [Letter of the Week: 8-26-08](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/26/letter-of-the-week-8-28-08/) - I don't know whether I want to marry you or pelt you with rotten eggs. But thanks for the laughter!
- [Millions Annoyed By Voting Machines](https://theineptowl.com/2008/11/04/millions-annoyed-voting-machines/) - New York, NY: Voters are in a frenzy today, as the public has learned that normal voting machines were replaced with more contemporary and complicated vote compilers. While many past elections have used the lever puncher, oval fill-ins, and the occasional "write a name and put it in the box" techniques for counting votes, this election marks a larger surge of electronic polling systems. These range from touch-screen machines to building your own computer programming in C++ to complicated maneuvers on a Dance Dance Revolution dance-pad in order to log in your votes for president and local legislature.
- [Researchers Concerned About Manpris Activity](https://theineptowl.com/2008/11/05/researchers-concerned-manpris-activity/) - Scientists in the nation’s capital are concerned with the drastic increase of “manpris” (Capri pants for men) sightings across the U.S. in recent months. Many believe that the fashion faux pas is a sign of worse things to come – “Davy Dukes” (extremely short shorts for men) being one of many disturbing fads with the possibility of making a splash across the country in the near future . “We just don’t understand this,” said Dr. Henry Shill of Georgetown University. “The number of men wearing Capri pants is sensationally disturbing.”
- [Review of O.A.R.'s "All Sides"](https://theineptowl.com/2008/11/07/review-oars-sides/) - About six years ago, I was at one of those cheesy-ass "murder mystery dinner parties." You know... everyone dresses up and acts out a murder mystery with each other, and there are themed courses to the meal that match up to the story line. Unfortunately, my wife and I were the only ones to show up other than the host and hostess, which made it rather difficult to play out the murder mystery. But since we had a fridge full of beer and I had a sock stuffed down my pants (it was a part of the character, I swear), we decided to play the ever-entertaining college drinking game, "Flip Cup."
- [Mensa Candidates in Iowa](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/29/mensa-candidates-iowa/) - Living in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, you get little tastes of the "big city" without really living in such an environment. We have everything that a huge place like Chicago does - just not to the severity of a huge metropolis. I have been taking note of certain crimes that have occurred here, and I must say, the criminal mind fascinates me. Not because of any cunning or because of the actual crimes, but I am fascinated by how absolutely stupid these people can be, and they tend to leave one asking more questions than receiving answers.
- [Obama Campaign Demands Equal Coverage](https://theineptowl.com/2008/10/09/obama-campaign-demands-equal-coverage/) - "Today we would like to address a growing concern on the part of the Obama/Biden campaign: what appears to be a growing trend in the satirical media to cover our opponents' campaign, rather than our own. Everywhere you look, the McCain/Palin ticket is receiving the lion's share of coverage. They dominate the opening portion of The Daily Show. Articles about Palin are all over The Onion's website. Even the corpses that write for Saturday Night Live have re-animated long enough to churn out a couple of good skits about the GOP ticket.
- [Bush Moody Over Lack of Attention](https://theineptowl.com/2008/10/13/bush-moody-lack-attention/) - Washington, DC: After viewing the second presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain Tuesday evening at the White House, currently forgotten President Bush set the ground work for his own campaign, one in which he would stress to the world that he is still in charge. "There's been a lot of speculation about who's going to be the president of America, this country. Well, I can tell you who is the president right now. Go ahead, take a guess," President Bush stated in a news conference on Friday. After conferring with an assistant, he answered, "That's right, I'm in charge!"
- [McCain Asks For Last Minute Debate](https://theineptowl.com/2008/10/27/mccain-asks-minute-debate/) - Washington DC: As political campaigns give their last push in these eight days leading up to Election Day, the McCain Camp is asking for extra time, and an extra debate in which both John McCain and Sarah Palin may be ready for. It has been coined Operation: Mudpie. Operation: Mudpie is to be a final attack upon both presidential candidates, to let both parties continue their enjoyable mudslinging campaigns, but have it in the style of a debate. This is not to be confused with the actual past debates of this presidential campaign. Whereas those debates were meant to focus on the candidates' actual policies and turned into the candidates' personal issues with each other such as "he's a commie" and "he likes Bush," this last debate would be nothing more than the canditates lambasting each other in a verbal free-for-all.
- [World Economic Crisis: A User's Guide](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/26/world-economic-crisis-users-guide/) - Anyone looking in their wallets or purses right now is in for a big surprise. That's the World Economic Crisis. But how did it happen, and who can we blame? Well, back in the 1970's, Rod Stewart recorded a single called "Maggie May". Later this became a bank, and along with Bernie Mac, who played the part of Bosley in the second Charlies Angels film, they recently collapsed.
- [The Owl Gets Political-Like](https://theineptowl.com/2008/10/02/owl-politicallike/) - Ashton Kutcher? Really? I mean, they could have put Carrot-Top in there, and it probably wouldn't have been so f*cking cheesy. A line of actors and actresses, acting horribly(especially at the beginning) is supposed to coax me to vote? If it wasn't for the necessary research I had to do to warn all of you about this video, I probably would have stopped watching 30 seconds in. Then I would have said, "Well, the kid from Superbad was funny at least." Which is true. His lines were great, as well as Jennifer Aniston's "I hear polar bears can swim."
- [Choke: a movie for people who love the strange](https://theineptowl.com/2008/10/08/choke-movie-people-love-strange/) - To say that Clark Greg’s inaugural opus, Choke, is strange does not do it justice. Just ask the old lady who sat a row behind me in the theater and continually exclaimed, “This is just so . . . weird,” in five minute intervals throughout the entire movie. She’ll tell you. Really, ask her.
- [Ode To A Cup Holder](https://theineptowl.com/2008/10/12/ode-cup-holder/) - Ode To A Cup Holder Trickster! You sir: You seemed to secure My cup of refreshment, Of that I was sure. I went for a drive, I stopped for a drink, A Berry Berry Smoothie, So frosty, so pink. A right turn, you wronged me: A great big splat, My console! My carpet! My brand
- [World's Greatest Dad](https://theineptowl.com/2008/10/15/worlds-greatest-dad/) - My Dad celebrated his 60-something birthday this past weekend, and I have always been grateful for such a colorful father. I can think of no other person who has had such an influence on the person I have become. My cynicism, frugalness, and political views can be directly traced to growing up with this man. He was a three time state champion wrestler here in Iowa, and his name still decorates the wall of the wrestling room at the high school we both attended. One of my earliest memories of Dad was bed time. While most parents would read a story, perhaps, or maybe recite a rhyme or two, my Dad had his own special way of tucking me in for the night. When I was about four or five years old I remember Dad putting on the Elvis Golden Hits album, and then he would lie on the wooden floor with his sweaty back, undulating and capturing pockets of air and forcing them out from underneath, making loud flatulent noises in time with the beat of the song.
- [My Name Is Will: A Novel of Sex, Drugs, and Shakespeare](https://theineptowl.com/2008/10/20/sex-drugs-shakespeare/) - Jess Winfield can boast of having written top-quality material that is teeming with bad behavior and totally inappropriate for children. But what has he been up to since his days at Disney? Winfield, a founding member of the Reduced Shakespeare Company, left the Mouse behind to pen My Name is Will: A Novel of Sex, Drugs and Shakespeare. This debut work is a tempest of vices and villains, with more lewd laughs than you can shake a spear at.
- [Beatles Release Audio Recording of Bad Acid Trip](https://theineptowl.com/2008/11/10/beatles-release-audio-recording-bad-acid-trip/) - In an effort to keep aging and newly inspired fans salivating for any new piece of Beatles history, Sir Paul McCartney recently released information about a long lost musical track recorded by The Beatles in 1967, titled Carnival of Light. This statement was issued during an interview McCartney had with the BBC after the MTV Europe Music Awards. Not much is known about the recording, except that the whole band had dropped acid beforehand.
- [Robotic Legs are Just the Beginning](https://theineptowl.com/2008/11/12/robotic-legs-beginning/) - Tired of walking from the refrigerator to the couch? Well, you’re in luck because recently Honda unveiled their latest innovation, the Walking Assist Device, a pair of robotic legs complete with a built-in seat. Pricing for the magical device has yet to be determined, but that hasn’t stopped prospective buyers from contacting Honda repeatedly in an effort to lay their hands on the hot item.
- [Mr. Productivity](https://theineptowl.com/2008/11/20/productivity/) - Before I became the success story that is Kipp Wieland, I once worked at a Holiday Inn here in Cedar Rapids (it has been demolished since). I had dropped out of art school and returned home to Cedar Rapid's limited career opportunities and found a job as a dishwasher there. I stayed at that place for nine months I think, and I don't know how I made it that long.
- [Over-Eating Believed to Cause Weight Gain](https://theineptowl.com/2008/11/20/overeating-believed-weight-gain/) - Researchers at UCLA Medical Center believe that they have discovered a possible cause for the country’s skyrocketing obesity rate – overeating. For years, scientists and overweight people have been working on devising numerous theories behind weight gain, blaming everything from glandular disorders to fatty acid deficiency, as well as countless other purported causes. Dr. Richard “Dick” Whittingham, the head of the research team, discounts those theories as “mostly hogwash.” “We truly believe that the majority of those who are overweight are the way they are because they, well, eat too much,” he claims. “If your normal dinner consists of three Big Macs, a Tombstone Pizza, and a half gallon of ice cream, don’t be surprised if you gain weight. And don’t look for other reasons as to why you’re morbidly obese. The truth is in your fridge.”
- [Addie the Misunderstood](https://theineptowl.com/2008/12/04/addie-misunderstood/) - In the words of the old British Music-Hall classic: "Hitler has only got one ball, The other is in The Albert hall, His Mother, the silly bugger, Cut it off when he was small."
- [Local Wal-Mart Offers Bonus to Shoppers](https://theineptowl.com/2008/12/08/local-walmart-offers-bonus-shoppers/) - In an effort to boost sluggish holiday sales, one local Wal-Mart has devised a scheme to attract shoppers this Saturday. According to the store manager, Earl Wickish, the first five hundred shoppers to arrive at the 8 am store opening will be allowed to trample a defenseless man to death. “I’m hoping that this will attract more people,” said Mr. Wickish. “The sales figures just aren’t what they should be this year. The economy sucks, man.”
- [Oprah Weighs 200 Pounds: World Shocked](https://theineptowl.com/2008/12/11/oprah-weighs-200-pounds-world-shocked/) - Oprah Winfrey, dubbed the “Queen of all Media,” has shocked the world with her latest revelation in January’s issue of ‘O’ magazine. Winfrey, 54, has struggled with her weight for years and has always felt as if the entire world should share in her pain and heartbreak when it comes to her inability to control her eating and lack of exercise. An admitted food addict, Winfrey is disappointed with herself.
- [Death & Taxes](https://theineptowl.com/2008/12/12/death-taxes/) - In March of 2008, the war in Iraq will begin its sixth year. In that month we will be half way to matching the record, held currently by the war in Vietnam, for lengthiest military exercise the United States has committed itself to. With new estimates projecting that the U.S. military may be stationed in Iraq until 2017, if not longer, we will soon have a new all time record holder to add to our collection. Semper Fi indeed.
- [Airlines to Charge for More than Just Bags](https://theineptowl.com/2008/12/15/airlines-charge-bags/) - Three of the six major airlines in the United States plan to boost profits in an effort to offset the nation’s struggling economy. In an unusual move, the airlines, Delta, AirTran, and USAirways recently collaborated on creating new business strategies. They plan to experiment in select major hubs across the United States by charging coach passengers for more than just checked bags, seat selections, and food and beverage services.
- [Phone Phun](https://theineptowl.com/2008/12/19/phone-phun/) - I worked as a long distance operator for three years third shift. They paid you like 12 percent more than normal if you pulled the graveyard shift, and I figured that the calls would thin out at three in the morning, right? Wrong! We were hooked up to pay phones in New Jersey, prisons, hotels, you name it. The prison calls were the most annoying. You had to be polite, even when you had this scenario every other call from midnight to four in the morning.
- [Bloomberg to Ban Public Gas Emissions](https://theineptowl.com/2009/01/19/bloomberg-ban-public-gas-emissions/) - New York, NY: Michael Bloomberg, the über-rich mayor of New York City, has put forth another measure in an effort to decrease the air pollution levels in the Big Apple – a citywide ban on the release of bodily gases in public places. Some see this as an indicator that Bloomberg has let his power go to his head, while others widely praise his decision. A spokesperson for Bloomberg stated that the mayor is still working on getting approval for fines and/or jail time for repeat gaseous offenders. “So, wait a minute? First I can’t smoke in my favourite pub, and now I can’t even fart?” asks John Duggan, a construction worker from Queens. “Since when did New York become so lame?”
- [Hines Ward's Smile Explained](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/03/hines-wards-smile-explained/) - Pittsburgh, PA: For years, sports writers, game announcers, and fans have all wondered about Pittsburgh Steeler wide receiver Hines Ward and his never-ending smile. Until now, most believed that his smile was due to an overwhelming sense of happiness and accomplishment. However, after some research and repeated interviews with individuals close to the Steelers organization, it appears as if the truth is a bit more troubling. According to sources who wish to remain anonymous, Hines Ward is, in a word, retarded. “It’s true,” said a trainer recently. “Hines Ward, though he may be a good receiver, is actually retarded. That’s why he smiles so much. He has no freaking clue about what’s going on. In fact, he thinks that it’s his birthday every Sunday, which explains the constant smiling.”
- [Scientist Links Smoking to Lung Cancer](https://theineptowl.com/2008/12/19/scientist-links-smoking-lung-cancer/) - After fifty years of research, scientists at Eastern West Virginia Community and Technical College believe that they have finally discovered a possible side effect to smoking – lung cancer. Though the connection was made in the early 1950s by a number of other scientists, and has been consistently proven to be true by countless other scientists over the past half century, the researchers at this small town community college were not convinced. “We don’t believe nothin’ anybody else tells us,” says Dr. Wilbert Clopes, the research team leader. “All those city folk think they can tell us whatever they like and we’re just gonna believe it. Like, the whole man on the moon business? Lord knows it ain’t possible to get no man on a moon. So we do our own research around these parts and it turns out that those city boys just might be right this time.”
- [Jeff Bridges Eats Oscar](https://theineptowl.com/2008/12/30/jeff-bridges-eats-oscar/) - Jeff Bridges will be receiving an honorary Oscar for Best Cumulative Eating at the next Academy Awards ceremony. The Oscar will be presented by friend and fellow glutton, John Goodman. Bridges and Goodman both often got baked and then did some baking on the set of The Big Lebowski. Jeff Bridges is a gourmet. I don’t know this to be explicitly true nor do I know the man, but I’ve nevertheless surmised that Jeff Bridges loves food. I’ve come to this conclusion after doing a comprehensive, globetrotting study of Jeff Bridges gastronomical idiosyncrasies and abilities on film. Ok, perhaps I’m kidding about the globetrotting aspect.
- [Chocolate Season](https://theineptowl.com/2009/01/04/chocolate-season/) - There is an unwritten, cyclical occurrence that takes place every year that I have coined the term "Chocolate Season" for. Starting somewhere around October 31st when tiny, plastic,anemic approximations of Ninjas, pro wrestlers, superheros, and giant robots grace the neighborhood, all the way up until the last Easter Egg hunt has taken place and the carpet has been deloused of that hideous, omni-present green paper or plastic that has been cut into long strings, chocolate can be found somewhere.
- [Palin Jealous of Kennedy's Respect](https://theineptowl.com/2009/01/09/palin-jealous-kennedys-respect/) - Washington, DC: Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is lashing out at the press for what she perceives to be preferential treatment in regards to Caroline Kennedy’s bid for the soon-to-be empty New York State Senate seat. According to Palin, Kennedy is receiving copious amounts of respect from the press corps while, she, Palin, was battered relentlessly by the same press corps while acting as John McCain’s running mate on the Republican presidential ticket. "I've been interested to see how Caroline Kennedy will be handled and if she will be handled with kid gloves or if she will be under such a microscope," Palin told conservative radio talk-show host and filmmaker John Ziegler.
- [Secret Service Unveils New Limo for Obama](https://theineptowl.com/2009/01/09/secret-service-unveils-limo-obama/) - At a White House press conference this morning, Secret Service staff revealed the new limo that will be used to transport Barack Obama from place to place. Dubbed the "Changemobile," it represents not only the most cutting-edge technology in communication and protection, but also in the use of "green" technology. Special Agent Cole Trickle, who will be Obama's assigned driver, gave a demonstration of the car's capabilities. "It has everything the modern President could ask for," said Trickle. "It's got a USB jack for his iPod, Bluetooth capability for his cell phone, and DVD players in the headrests. If he wants to check his Hotmail, the car has a secure wi-fi connection. It's basically like having a Starbucks on wheels."
- [PETA Made Me Want to Eat Fish](https://theineptowl.com/2009/01/20/peta-eat-fish/) - So PETA has launched a new campaign to stop people from fishing and eating fish. Their plan is to rename fish "Sea Kittens" and yes, it is for real. This isn't someone making a satirical campaign to mock PETA, this is for real. Setting aside the irony that PETA kills a very high amount of cats in their shelters, I just find the whole thing hysterical. Because if you look at their site, there is a lot of production value in it, they clearly spent a lot of time working on it, probably hired a design contractor to do the site, had creative meetings on the "Sea Kitten bedtime stories" and the "make your own Sea Kitten" function, which by the way includes amongst the things you can dress your own Sea Kitten in, a set of swim floaties, which I'm pretty sure would kill a fish, as they tend to want to remain below the surface, and, you know, continue to breathe.
- [Brokeback Brett?](https://theineptowl.com/2009/01/26/brokeback-brett/) - Brett Favre, rough and tumble quarterback of the Green Bay Packers and New York Jets and spokesman for classy Wrangler Jeans, is having his manhood questioned in some corners. It seems as if Brett Favre is not only the all time NFL leader in touchdowns and interceptions, he is also the proud leader in hugs and piggyback rides (among other things), often carrying, against their will, some of his lighter (read: firmer) teammates on his back as well as having gleefully hopped on the backs of his warm, lovable linemen a total of 245 times as of the end of the 2008 season. There’s reportedly also archived footage of him attempting a reach around (while on the back of Frank “Poppy” Winter) and then realizing at the last moment that he was actually on the football field and not his hotel room.
- [Iceland: "We Really Are a Country!"](https://theineptowl.com/2009/01/27/iceland-country/) - Reykjavik, ICELAND: Iceland's president, Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, held a press conference this morning with international journalists to state for the record that Iceland is indeed a country.
- [Fast Food and Communications](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/03/fast-food-communications/) - Just like any other part of the country, Iowa is peppered with endless fast food restaurants competing for your appetite, as well as your wallet. When one sees the commercials for these places, you get this image that follows you into the establishment. You expect to see people smiling all around serving you. Happy teenagers dancing with mops and smiles as big as hub caps, man. This is rarely, if ever, the case in my experience, but then again, a lot of things aren’t as they appear on television in my experience. No – you pretty much have to make the best of the surroundings when you enter one of these establishments. Sometimes your experience is something very different indeed.
- [This Day In History](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/04/day-history/) - If one were to listen to the radio or turn on the television today, there’s a good chance that they would be informed that today, February 3, is, in Don McLean’s immortal lyrics, “the day the music died.” More precisely, it is the 50th anniversary of the day when Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and the Big Bopper perished in a plane crash on a dreadful winter night in Iowa. Sad? Surely. But is it really the most important event that has occurred on February 3 in the history of the World? I’d like to think not. In fact, I did some research and discovered that the following events took place on this fateful day. My hope is that you will see that Holly, Valens, and the fat guy don’t “own” this day and they should stop taking all of the credit.
- [Fisticuffs For Jesus](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/10/fisticuffs-jesus/) - It was recently announced by UFC that Kurt Warner and Troy Polamalu will be engaging in a cage fight to determine which Christian athlete is more devout. This came about after the recent Super Bowl when Warner and Polamalu were kneeling side by side after the game in a show of devotion to their Christian faith. Apparently when Warner whispered “Heavenly father, thank you for the blessing of this day”, Polamalu misheard “Your long hair makes you look like a Christian pussy you Tongan freak”, or at least said he did. Polamalu’s agent was contacted shortly after the game, and a deal was brokered shortly before his visit to Disneyworld. As we go to press it is still to be determined what this has to do with being more devout. Warner, who is known to sprinkle the word “God” or “Jesus” into every sentence, maintained his innocence, yet had this to say during fight preparations.
- [When Chimps Revolt](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/24/chimps-revolt/) - Stamford, CT: This past week marked a turning point in human interaction with their simian friends, as a 200 pound chimpanzee named Travis did his best Britany Spears impression by vandalizing cars, attacking strange women, and daring the police to stop him.
- [Review of Lily Allen's "It's Not Me, It's You"](https://theineptowl.com/2009/03/02/review-lily-allens/) - (Editor’s note: Darby turned in a music review this week that was not up to the usual high standards we have here at The Inept Owl. However, when we tried to return his review so that he could rework it, we found him passed out underneath his desk, a bottle of bourbon in one hand and an inflatable sheep in the other. Therefore, the editorial staff was forced to do a quick rewrite in order to meet the deadline. Thank you for your understanding.)
- [Carnal Coffee](https://theineptowl.com/2009/03/09/carnal-coffee/) - It's all go in the wacky world of food and drink this week. The recession-hit industry is rising to the challenge with one coffee shop owner resorting to radical measures to get customers through the door. Donald Crabtree, owner of The Grand View Coffee Shop in Vassalboro, Maine, thinks he has hit on the perfect solution by combining two of the human races favorite obsessions, coffee and nudity, into one recession-busting business experiment.
- [Education in Diplomacy](https://theineptowl.com/2009/03/10/education-diplomacy/) - About eleven years ago I decided to return to school to work on fulfilling some required classes that I just gave up on. I left art school in 1984 with a 1.58 GPA due to my non-adherence to anything resembling authority, discipline,or wisdom as I was 20-years-old and had all the answers to the world's problems figured out. I still am two classes from getting even an Associate's degree, so let it be known that there are definitely alternatives to college in this world. One of the required picks I chose was "Fundamentals of Communication". This was a very dry class that focused on how others perceive us, how we perceive others, and just generally how we communicate with one another on a personal, professional, and even commercial level.
- [Terrell Owens Set to Create 33rd NFL Team](https://theineptowl.com/2009/03/10/terrell-owens-set-create-33rd-nfl-team/) - Dallas, TX: After being summarily released by the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday, Terrell Owens and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus sought out teams willing to offer the outspoken receiver a long term contract. When no contract was forthcoming by Friday morning, Owens called a press conference to announce his intention to start his own team. “I don’t need ya’ll,” said Owens, apparently referring to team owners unwilling to take a gamble on the notorious wide receiver. “I’ll start my own damn team and we’ll win the Super Bowl every damn year. Ya’ll ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of haters.” Owens is looking for financing to build a stadium in Alexander City, Alabama, a city of approximately 15,000 and, coincidentally, the city of his birth. City officials have expressed great interest in Owen’s plans, as it will “let people know that Alexander City is as great as any of them other cities – like New York or Tallahassee,” according to the city’s mayor, Barbara Young.
- [Christian Bale Denies Tirade](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/09/christian-bale-denies-tirade/) - Recently, an audio tape was released to the media which allegedly features Christian Bale verbally abusing a crew member while filming the latest film in the "Terminator" franchise. According to sources on the set of the film, Bale unleashed a wave of abusive language upon director of photography Shane Hurlburt when the latter purportedly disturbed Bale’s concentration during a scene.
- [Horses More Dangerous Than Drugs](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/16/horses-dangerous-drugs/) - A British boffin has caused controversy this week with his new theory on the dangers of drugs. Professor David J. Nutt, writing in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, has stated that, according to statistics, one is more likely to die from riding a horse than from taking Ecstasy. Apparently, one out of every three hundred and fifty horse related accidents results in severe injury or death. This compares to the figures for Ecstasy use, where the risk of harm is only one in ten thousand.
- [Richardson Cover-Up: The Real Culprit is Parking](https://theineptowl.com/2009/03/25/richardson-coverup-real-culprit-parking/) - Natasha Richardson, a gifted and precocious heiress to acting royalty whose career highlights included the film Patty Hearst and a Tony-winning performance in a stage revival of Cabaret, died Wednesday at age 45 after suffering a wrist injury from a meter accident two weeks ago. The "ski accident" was apparently fabricated by her theatrical family in an effort to "legitimize" her injuries.
- [Hooray for Insurance](https://theineptowl.com/2009/04/10/hooray-insurance/) - We have all grown accustom to getting the hideous things in the mail, but whenever I am home and I hear the footsteps on my front porch and the metal lid of my mailbox slamming shut it still curdles my milk. I had the unfortunate experience of being involved in an accident back in October while I was driving back to work from the hospital where I had paid on a bill I had there. I stopped at a stop sign, proceeded because I thought it was clear, but hey - that's why they call them accidents, right? Anyway, I apparently blacked out briefly and when I came to there was a whole host of people standing around my car, asking me my name, the president's name, what two times six was, to recite the alphabet, you name it. I counted two fire trucks, an ambulance, and four squad cars! My first reaction was "my God-How much is THIS going to cost me now"? Not, "Do I have a detached retina, or will I suffer any brain damage or blindness", etc...
- [Johansson Displeased with Parkinsons Auction](https://theineptowl.com/2009/04/28/johansson-displeased-parkinsons-auction/) - In an effort to raise money for Michael J. Fox’s Foundation for Parkinsons Research, Ryan Reynolds is asking fans to bid on the opportunity to accompany him to two upcoming movie premieres. The highest bidders will escort Reynolds to the premieres of X-Men Origins: Wolverine and The Proposal.
- [Thirsty Work](https://theineptowl.com/2009/04/29/thirsty-work/) - This week the British Government, led by 'Old Scrotum-Face' Gordon Brown, announced one of the most offensive and ill thought out so called 'policies' of his rocky and tenuous career as Prime Minister. The proposed plan has managed to target two of the most vulnerable (and therefore incapable of answering back)groups in our society...at the same time: alcoholics on State benefit.
- [Easier Than a Richmond Tobacco Party](https://theineptowl.com/2009/05/04/easier-richmond-tobacco-party/) - I try not to get too political when I write my occasional column here at The Owl. I do enough yelling at nazis and pea-brained right wing clowns on Youtube, but I have been forced to talk about a subject that has over the years become very political - tobacco. I can remember sneaking my first cigarette. I grabbed one of my parents' Merit Ultra Lights, went up to my bedroom and lit it up. I coughed my lungs out, got dizzy and slightly nauseous, and I seriously cannot tell you the point where I went from that to "I need a cigarette", but nonetheless - it happened, and now I have joined the ranks of so many other smokers in this country, including our current president.
- [Manchester Orchestra's "Mean Everything To Nothing"](https://theineptowl.com/2009/05/19/manchester-orchestras/) - When you start up the first track on an album and you involuntarily say “What the hell?” it’s either a really good thing, or a really bad thing. There’s not much of a middle ground to that phrase. But in my defense, I also wasn’t expecting what came out of my speakers when I clicked Play. The editor sent me a link and said, “Here, why don’t you try writing something useful for a change?” The link had the name Manchester Orchestra in it, so I figured it was going to be some classical pieces from the UK, right? I mean sure, those of us here at The Inept Owl have as much class and culture as a post-chili farting contest… but it wouldn’t be unheard-of for us to review some high-brow music for sh*ts and giggles.
- [Study Shows Most Americans Have 40 Hour TV Week](https://theineptowl.com/2009/05/19/study-shows-americans-40-hour-tv-week/) - In a study recently released by researchers at Yale University, it was revealed that nine out of every ten people in the United States are spending the equivalent of a forty hour work week in front of the television. The study attempted to prove that extensive television viewing has negative health effects, namely stupidity. This realization is alarming to many of the nation’s intellectuals. “Forty hours a week? My god!” exclaimed Patrick Limmel, an American Literature Professor at New York University. “No wonder there are so many idiots.”
- [Bill O'Reilly: Attic Homosexual](https://theineptowl.com/2009/07/10/bill-oreilly-attic-homosexual/) - Bill O’Reilly, who has been known to spew absurdities such as "gay marriage will lead to interspecies marriage," has been exposed as an “attic homosexual.” This revelation was brought to light as O’Reilly was seen exiting Mt. Sinai Hospital after a brief period of infirmity. O’Reilly, a frequent critic of homosexuals and homosexuality, had no comment at this time and called these allegations “preposterous” and “gay.”
- [Swastika Outside Congressman's Office Causes Envy](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/13/swastika-congressmans-office-envy/) - Washington, DC: The FBI and police were investigating outside Rep. David Scott’s district office in Georgia when it was discovered that a beautiful cobalt blue swastika was painted on his sign, an act that the suburban Atlanta Democrat said reflects an increasingly positive message and predictably tolerant debate over health care and should remind people to try their hand at painting their own swastikas. Scott's staff arrived at his Smyrna, Ga., office Tuesday morning to find the Nazi graffiti emblazoned in a stunning Copperplate Gothic font on a sign bearing the lawmaker's name. The loving act of vandalism occurred roughly a week after Scott was involved in a confrontational argument over health care at a community meeting. It is thought that the anonymous act was an effort to bring back a sense of calm to this community after the health care confrontation.
- [Review of The Band Formerly Known as The Relyx's "Strange Living"](https://theineptowl.com/2009/11/16/review-relyxs-strange-living/) - Jeff Buckley is alive. That's the only way I can explain what's going on with the release of The Relyx's EP, Strange Living. I mean, sure. It's a little more polished than Buckley's original work. It's not crappy and raspy and raw; Strange Living has the sound of a band that's been in hiding for a decade, working on putting together a really strong five-song album to reintroduce... err, introduce themselves to the world.
- [Video: The Suburban Condition: Save the Pet Rock](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/24/video-suburban-condition-save-pet-rock/) - The Suburban Condition presents another heart-warming portrayal of love and dedication. Sarah McLachlan didn't go far enough with her ASPCA commercials. She left out the greatest pet ever.
- [Paris Hilton Loses Phone...Again](https://theineptowl.com/2009/05/27/paris-hilton-loses-phoneagain/) - Paris Hilton has reportedly lost her Blackberry during a recent trip to France to attend the Cannes International Film Festival. Industry insiders are amazed at her carelessness because this is not the first time that Miss Hilton had misplaced this notorious device. In 2005, she had “lost” her Sidekick, which angered many of her famous friends and acquaintances after their phone numbers appeared on the internet. Now she is bracing herself for the latest fallout that is sure to come.
- [Quantity Vs. Quality](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/03/quantity-quality/) - There are so many fast food restaurants nowadays that I imagine the competition for the American gullet is quite competitive. For some reason, however, I have noticed an awful lot of emphasis being placed on the sheer mass of the food product. Granted, when producing a commercial, I am sure that the producers want to make certain that the product brand and size all lodge themselves into the minds of the viewing public. Burger King has managed to make a lot of clever, entertaining commercials, and they are memorable, without advertising that their food comes in some sort of bucket or is a whole "two pounds" of anything, although the name "Whopper" would tend to focus on the size, but since the term has been around for nearly forty years now, I will cut BK some slack. The Whopper and Whopper Junior father and son characters are hilarious, and that spot where they CG'd in the Burger King over some 70's football game footage making that long arduous touchdown in slow motion was fantastic.
- [Dental Case](https://theineptowl.com/2009/06/16/dental-case/) - Bad teeth run in my family - I'll just come right out and say it. I have to, anyway, as it is the basis for this column. After years of abuse by biting hard candy, stripping wire, opening paint tubes, and constantly passing chocolate and soda over them, I have been left with only six real teeth in my head. They're all in the front on the bottom, making me look rather like a piranha fish when my plate and partial aren't in. I can also make that scrunched-up "bitter beer face" when my teeth are out as my bottom jaw can close quite a bit farther than it could when teeth occupied that space. This is quite effective when I am playing the banjo, which takes me back to when my dentist first inquired about my plans for them.
- [A Review: The Hangover](https://theineptowl.com/2009/06/11/review-hangover/) - Forget about classic "whodunits." The Hangover lays claim to the genre of "whadafuckhapind."
- [Cheney Defends Waterboarding, Insanity](https://theineptowl.com/2009/05/28/cheney-defends-waterboarding-insanity/) - Washington, DC: Former Vice President Dick “Shotgun” Cheney, an outspoken opponent of the Obama administration, has stepped forward and announced that waterboarding is an essential tool for fighting terrorism. He also insisted that the Central Intelligence Agency never tortured anyone and kept the United States safe from further terrorist attacks. President Obama disagrees and has banned the practice of waterboarding, an interrogation technique he calls “cruel and unnecessary.” “Of course he said that,” countered Cheney. “He’s a freaking liberal. Next thing you know, he’ll try banning the removal of fingernails with pliers, or electrocution by cattle prod, which, I’ll have you know, is quite effective when attached to the testes. It sure as hell worked on my son-in-law.”
- [So I Married An Axe Murderer: Weirdly Beloved, Reviewed](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/27/married-axe-murderer-weirdly-beloved-reviewed/) - Cynthia Ceilán gives Cupid the shaft, and goes in search of unconventional love in Weirdly Beloved: Tales of Strange Bedfellows, Odd Couplings, and Love Gone Bad.
- [Review of Jakob Dylan's "Women and Country"](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/07/review-jakob-dylans-women-country/) - Poor Jakob Dylan. Can you imagine what it would be like, to be the child of a musical legend? The constant pressure to live up to the expectations of your parent’s talent and prestige… it would be like two of Archie Manning’s sons becoming quarterbacks and… err, wait. Bad example. It would be like Bobby Bonds’ son playing baseball and… crap.
- [Review of The New Jerseys - Self Titled](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/30/review-jerseys-titled/) - "These are the voices in my head" is what the light bulb above told me as I cruised through this album. The New Jerseys have an eclectic, mostly folk-inspired sound that is smacked around by their truly despicable humor that can be appreciated mostly by those of us who have already confirmed their seat in Hell. Just as Buffalo Bill demonstrated “coveting what we see every day” in Silence of the Lambs, the New Jerseys have given us 21 tracks describing what they see from their Morris County porch. The New Jerseys consist of two guys, Daddy P and Steve, from the Garden State.
- [Review of KT Tunstall's "Drastic Fantastic"](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/27/review-kt-tunstalls-drastic-fantastic/) - Have you ever wondered how far Wesley Willis could have gone with his sychronizer if he didn't pass away, or if he got a boob-job? Introducing KT Tunstall.
- [The Futurama is Now!](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/08/futurama/) - I’m back baby! That’s right, after a most likely completely unnoticed absence, I, one of your resident Inept Owl movie reviewers, have returned. And what better way to mark my triumphant comeback than with a review of another returning here, the much more sadly missed TV series, Futurama, as it roars into your TV with the direct to video movie, Futurama - Bender's Big Score.
- [Deforestation up 27%; Christmas to Blame](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/30/deforestation-27-christmas-blame/) - Biologists have discovered that the holiday season is having an adverse effect on the environment. They have found that the world's forests shrink much more rapidly in the months preceding Christmas. The primary culprit: Christmas greeting cards. The shocking statistics come courtesy of The Granola Group, a non-profit organization dedicated to conservation efforts, world peace, and other hippie causes. Dr. Toefeld, head of The Granola Group, explained that those seeming-innocent holiday greetings are actually a grave threat to our planet.
- [Hostel 2 Review](https://theineptowl.com/2007/06/07/hostel-2-review/) - Our lady of the night reviews the latest Eli Roth film, Hostel - Part II.
- [Review of Nelly Furtado, "Loose"](https://theineptowl.com/2007/05/14/nelly-furtado-loose/) - Forget everything you thought you knew about Canadian music. Nelly Furtado is reinventing an entire nation’s musical history. You’ll find no songs about sinking ships (be they iceberg-bound cruise ships or freighters crossing Lake Superior), no denim-clad crooners, no angsty female performers who may or may not say “aboot” in an post-concert interview.
- [Review of Ozzy Osbourne's “Black Rain”](https://theineptowl.com/2007/06/12/review-ozzy-osbournes-black-rain/) - Ozzy Osbourne has been making music since the mid-1700s. According to Wikipedia (the most reputable source in the history of mankind), he has sold 75 million albums worldwide, one for each year he's been alive. He's had a hit reality show featuring his incredibly lovable (and vaguely dysfunctional) family. He's richer than I am. All in all, he's had a pretty good career. So why in the hell he would want to make Black Rain is beyond me.
- [Review: Maroon 5, "It Won't Be Soon Before Long"](https://theineptowl.com/2007/05/24/maroon-5-long/) - Maroon 5 came crashing onto the music scene in 2002 with a sound that was catchy and new (provided you'd never heard anything from Motown, ever). Their album “Songs About Jane” sold fifty gajillion copies worldwide. Four singles were released from the album, and those four singles took up 97.2% of the airtime on radio stations for a two-year period.
- [1408 Movie Review](https://theineptowl.com/2007/06/26/1408-movie-review/) - Our Horror Queen takes a break from blood and guts to talk about the ghost story of 1408.
- [Grindhouse Reviewed, Just In Time.](https://theineptowl.com/2007/05/16/grindhouse-reviewed-time/) - Just in time to be extremely early for its DVD release(that's our story, and we're sticking to it), three of our movie critics review the double feature Grindhouse with Death Proof and Planet Terror, spawned by Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez, and question if Thanksgiving and Don't will ever make it to the big-screen.
- [Kurt Vonnegut Resurrected, One Last Time](https://theineptowl.com/2007/04/20/kurt-vonnegut-resurrected-time/) - Kurt Vonnegut is bid farewell with a review of a book all about him being resurrected, to die again.
- [St. Joseph, Baby Jesus' Adoptive Father, Tired of Being Ignored ](https://theineptowl.com/2012/04/06/st-joseph-baby-jesus-adoptive-father-tired/) - Galilee, ISRAEL: St. Joseph, husband of Mary and adoptive father of Jesus H. Christ, wants to make it known that he is “sick and tired of being ignored.” According to St. Joseph, he is rarely mentioned in bible passages and hasn’t been prominently featured on a Hallmark Christmas Card since 1988. “What a crock of
- [Slighted Man Adds Ex's Hoo-Ha to Foursquare](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/27/slighted-man-adds-exs-hooha-foursquare/) - New York, NY: Spring is a time of rejuvenation, a time when "a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love", as Alfred Lord Tennyson put it. Unfortunately, the reciprocation of that fancy and love usually leaves an ex-boyfriend on the short end of Spring. This problem was apparent for Douglas Garrett, whose jealousy
- [Morris Claiborne, NFL Prospect, Unsure Who Wonderlic Is](https://theineptowl.com/2012/04/03/morris-claiborne-nfl-prospect-retarded/) - Morris Claiborne, a highly touted cornerback from LSU who is destined to be a top-ten pick in this year's NFL draft, is retarded. Claiborne, who is skilled on the field and is expected to be drafted early, scored a four on the Wonderlic test recently. Previously, the lowest score belonged to Vince Young, the mildly
- [Coach Calipari and Wildcats Eye Vacated Undefeated Season](https://theineptowl.com/2012/04/05/coach-calipari-wildcats-eye-vacated-undefeated-season/) - Lexington, KY: Celebrations for The University of Kentucky’s first NCAA National Championship since 1998 continued into a third day Wednesday, as hundreds of thousands of fans, armed to the tooth, wildly donned bullet proof vests and cowered in shelters and under tables all over the blood-spattered city of Lexington. Not sharing in the celebrations however,
- [Giant Cartoon Mau5head Slams Madonna for Drug References](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/27/giant-cartoon-mau5head-slams-madonna-drug-references/) - Miami, FL: The conclusion of the Ultra Music Festival in Miami was business as usual when a man wearing a giant, bright pink cartoon mouse helmet accused the now literal "Material Girl" Madonna of being a bad role model by referencing the drug ecstasy. The reference in question came when Madonna addressed the attendees of
- [Funny People: Not Quite So Funny](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/08/funny-people-funny/) - -A backstage look at stand-up comedians: CHECK -References to Delaware: CHECK -Jokes about mainstream teen sitcoms: CHECK -A heart-wrenching look into the lonely life of a celebrity comedian: ...huh?
- [Golden Globe Awards to be Held in Broom Closet](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/11/golden-globe-awards-held-broom-closet/) - In light of the strike being upheld by The Writers Guild of America, the yearly Golden Globe Awards had cancelled its lavish dinner and receiving of the awards bestowed upon the artists of the film industry. NBC had suffered a huge blow, being unable to broadcast Ellen DeGeneres wandering around the stage, and seeing Will Smith and Tom Cruise joined at the hip and cheering for fraternity brother John Travolta as he ascended the stage dressed in drag. It was a dark day for television. However, new plans have been developed to keep the audience entertained. The International Ballroom of The Beverly Hilton will be replaced by NBC's janitorial closet. The broadcasting company will be airing the stuffing of envelopes and addressing of packages for six hours, with the occasional commercial break.
- [Four Members of The Inept Owl Suspected Cult Members](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/31/members-inept-owl-suspected-cult-members/) - Recently it has been learned that four members of The Inept Owl staff had been born within two days of each other. Although the ages and birthplaces are different, it is quite plausible that the writers John O'Rourke, Darby Shaw, Rick Bernardo, and editor Patrick Emmel may have had parents involved in cult orgies the likes of the Manson Family or the Branch Davidian, and may have shared one, if not both, parents.
- [Chiefs Sign the Wrong Peyton](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/16/chiefs-sign-wrong-peyton/) - Kansas City, MO—Today a spokesperson for the NFL’s Kansas City Chiefs proudly revealed that they had made a major free-agent acquisition, only to realize they had signed the wrong player. At a press conference this morning, Barry Werd, team spokesman, said, “As you know, the Chiefs have kept a large amount of salary cap space
- [Coroner Reports Whitney Houston Did Not OD on Soap Scum](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/23/coroner-reports-whitney-houston-overdose-soap-scum/) - Los Angeles, CA: After almost a month and a half of examination, blood testing, and the repetition of "I Will Always Love You" written by Dolly Parton, the LA Coroners Office released the official findings on the death of Whitney Houston. To the dismay of family, friends, and fans, the cause of the death was
- [Houses of The Owl Photoshop Contest: Game of Thrones](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/16/houses-owl-photoshop-contest-game-thrones/) - The time has come! Some of our readers have presented Game of Thrones memes in the hopes of winning Season 1 on Blu-Ray or DVD at best, and the pocket lint of our editor at worse. Voting procedures are simple: 1) "Like" photos on our Facebook page! 2) Using the cool polling box on the
- [My Visit to Westeros: A Game of Thrones Mis-Adventure](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/08/visit-westeros-game-thrones-misadventure/) - It is obvious that I'm a fan of Game of Thrones. I have written character descriptions, comparing many of them to beer, and then more beer. I have practiced ways of proposing to Daenerys Targaryen, with or without dragons and with or without clothes. I got involved in a photoshop contest. But, it wasn't enough. I needed more. Luckily, I found a cross-dimensional device that could very well help me get to Westeros, a place which my feeble nerd brain believed was not in the past, but in some weird, linear past where stunted men ran around screwing hot women, where political leaders were corrupt and suspicious, where Sean Bean would survive a movie or season. So with my hover-board, a photographer, a bit too much alcohol consumption, and a few hours in the desert surrounding Las Vegas, Nevada, I bring to you my trip to Westeros.
- [Manning to Try Out Teams for 2012 Season](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/12/manning-teams-2012-season/) - Tempe, AZ: The release of 4-time NFL MVP quarterback and perennial forehead Peyton Manning by the Indianapolis Colts has sent shock-waves through the rest of the NFL as teams struggle to find their quarterbacks through trades, free agency, and more mock drafts than fantasy football has ever offered. While many believed that the greatest contenders for signing Peyton Manning were Arizona, Miami, Washington, and the Seahawks, interest was sparked from all corners of the league. Even Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots allegedly mentioned that having both of the arguable best quarterbacks in the league on the sidelines was a no-brainer. Salary-cap improvisations have already been enabled to make room for the quarterback's required salary, as well as his other cut teammates from the Indianapolis Colts. After visiting with the Denver Broncos and Arizona Cardinals, the plan became clear: try out every team over the course of the 2012 season.
- [Boba Fett Denies Part in Saints Defense](https://theineptowl.com/2012/03/06/boba-fett-denies-part-saints-defense/) - New Orleans, LA: The latest entry as "America's Team" was delivered a crippling sack this past weekend, as former players opened allegations of knowledge and support of a bounty program against the New Orleans Saints' former defensive coordinator Gregg Williams. However, many wonder why the Saints should be disciplined harshly, considering how horrible their defense has been in recent years.
- [German Chancellor Loses St. Pauli Girl Wet T-Shirt Contest](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/29/german-chancellor-loses-st-pauli-girl-wet-tshirt-contest/) - Demmin, GERMANY: Confusion struck the nation of Germany, and indeed the world, when Chancellor Angela Merkel was doused in beer during a Christian Democratic Union meeting last week. What had seemed to be blatant clumsiness of a waiter around one of the most stoic and cold political leaders in Europe seemed to be a blessing, as Chancellor Merkel did not have the waiter, known as Martin, beheaded, but merely shrugged the incident off and drank her beer.
- [Wet N' Wild Westeros: A Game of Thrones Photoshop Contest](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/27/wet-n-wild-westeros-game-thrones-photoshop-contest/) - For those of you enticed by swords and shields, the Dragonborn, mad kings and maidens, and Sean Bean, this next month is more anticipated than Christmas as HBO's Game of Thrones is set to release Season 1 on Blu-Ray and DVD on March 6th, and Season 2 premieres April 1st. Last year, we explained Game of Thrones using beer. While our own nod toward the next season will be just as epic, we wanted to get the rest of you in on the fun. Therefore, we are launching a photoshop contest based on Game of Thrones!
- [Curt Schilling Reality Video Game Ready to Hit Shelves](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/17/curt-schilling-video-game-ready-hit-shelves/) - Boston, MA: After over five years and almost $35 million, the impossible has happened: the Curt Schilling video game has arrived for computer and gaming consoles everywhere. Not to be confused with the medieval-based RPG that Curt Schilling's new production company, 38 Studios, recently launched(Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning), this new first-person puzzle RPG lets gamers play as Curt Schilling during his retirement. Heralded as the epitome of reality gaming, Expert: 2012, as the Curt Schilling game is called, allows players to interact with active MLB players, retirees, officials, senators, and anyone else that you can get to listen to you in the hopes of gaining their trust, boosting your popularity, and finding your place in Major League Baseball's Hall of Fame.
- [While We Were Bored: Destruction of What Your Friends Think You Do Posters](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/13/bored-destruction-friends-posters/) - Recent social feeds have forced us to come across a barrage of a new type of meme: "What My Friends Think I Do" posters. Not unlike De-motivational posters, these quirky images highlight jobs and, using witty pictures to explain what your friends, moms, co-workers, shrinks, and pets think you really do. This would be a fine addition to the meme family, except that it has exploded so fast that you can't turn around, figuratively, on the internet without bumping into one, much like the dreaded "Shit People Say" theme. So we have created the kryptonite for this specific meme theme. Go forward and multiply it.
- [Great Moments in Walking Dead History: Getting Ready for Mid-Season 2](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/12/great-moments-walking-dead-history-midseason-2/) - For the past decade, our human lust for apocalyptic destruction and despair has been described with one word: zombies. Zombies have taken over literature with such Pulitzer Prize-winning novel such as The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance. They have had a resurgence in film, from remakes such as Dawn of the Dead to more recent flicks such as 28 Days Later and Zombieland. Now zombies have even taken to television, as AMC released one of the most graphic, yet poignant series to grace general cable: The Walking Dead.
- [Star Wars 3-D: Blame Yourself, Not George Lucas](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/10/star-wars-3d-blame-george-lucas/) - No, I am not a fan of the re-released versions of Star Wars as a result. It wasn't until this 3-D release, however, that I began to fully understand the method behind all of these Star Wars releases. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that the blame for the re-re-re-re-re-release of the Star Wars series didn't really fall on the shoulders of George Lucas. It fell on ours, the public.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Pro Bowl](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/29/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-pro-bowl/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. While many of the winners in our contest seem to be in order down this last stretch, the most important game cannot be overlooked, for the sake of the NFL: the Pro Bowl! Where else can you see a scrimmage game between the top athletes that aren't in the Super Bowl that means absolutely nothing? At least MLB's All-Star game gives home-field advantage for the World Series.
- [An Idiot's Guide to College Sex Week](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/09/idiots-guide-college-sex-week/) - When it comes to the word “sex”, the dirtier mind comes to certain conclusions no matter what other words are attached to it. Take the phrase, "Carnal Misinterpretations of Sex Week." What word takes over your brain? Sex, of course. We're all interested in it. Countless books and films have been released on the subject: what it is, how to do it, how to get it, how to pretend to get it in the privacy of your own home. So when one learns about Sex Week at Yale University, many ideas about what that actually means comes to mind. A college campus overrun with naked co-eds running around trying to get laid is by no means too far from the truth.
- [Bill Hinzman Terrorizes Pittsburgh](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/08/bill-hinzman-terrorizes-pittsburgh/) - Pittsburgh, PA: Most noted as the first zombie of George Romero's Night of the Living Dead, camera assistant turned actor Bill Hinzman passed away Sunday at his Darlington, Pa. home due to complications with cancer. He was 75. His daughter, Heidi Hinzman, recently broke the news to the public. She later explained that Hinzman wished to be cremated. "He always joked if he got buried he would come back." Unfortunately that joke became more a reality than anyone could believe.
- [While We Were Bored: Kid Rock's "Made In Detroit" Line Not Made In Detroit](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/07/bored-kid-rocks-detroit-line-detroit/) - Kid Rock, former musical...well, pop-culture...hrm. Kid Rock, that white guy who used to yell "Bawitaba" incessantly while dirt-bikes did jumps over his head, once saved a hometown clothing line, "Made In Detroit", from bankruptcy. Irony, however, has a crude sense of humor
- [While We Were Bored: Tom Brady After Super Bowl XLVI](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/07/bored-tom-brady-super-bowl-xlvi/) - It comes as no surprise that one of the more stoic players on one of the most stoic professional football teams lead by the most stoic coach in the history of the game would be diplomatic in his approach to explaining a loss in the Super Bowl. Tom Brady, starting quarterback of the New England Patriots and future Hall-of-Famer, said all the right things during his press conference after Super Bowl XLVI in order to protect his teammates.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks: Super Bowl XLVI](https://theineptowl.com/2012/02/05/nfl-powder-puff-picks-super-bowl-xlvi/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. It's all but decided who our winners will be this year as our British bookie seems to be running away with the prize between the commentators. Luckily, no-one gave up on cracking a few jokes about the game. Next year, we hope to be bigger and better, and may even fit some fantasy football in the mix. Good luck players! We will post all winners with ridiculous presentation speeches later in the week.
- [Coach Obama Rallies for Dungy](https://theineptowl.com/2009/01/14/coach-obama-rallies-dungy/) - In a piece of news not wholly unexpected, Tony Dungy, head football coach of the Indianapolis Colts, retired Sunday after a 13 year coaching career. Dungy began his head coaching career with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after a successful run as defensive coach and defensive coordinator for the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Minnesota Vikings. However, in a stunning turn of events, President-Elect Barack Obama has been fielding many calls of congratulations on his "coaching career." This seems to confirm the age old 'they all look the same' narrow-mindedness that was pervasive in the 1950s.
- [Video: The Suburban Condition: Manheart's Stash](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/23/suburban-condition-manhearts-stash/) - Remember that anti-drug commercial where the dad asks the kid with the giant headphones "Where he learned to do this stuff?" Well, so do we. Welcome to The Suburban Condition.
- [Patriots Coach Belichick to Install New Gate at Home](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/29/patriots-coach-belichick-install-gate-home/) - Weston, MA: In celebration of the New England Patriots making it to their 5th Super Bowl in 10 years, coach Bill Belichick recently instigated plans for building a 4th gate on the property of his Massachusetts home this past week.
- [The 2012 Republican Debate in Florida: An Oblivious Pictorial Review](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/27/2012-republican-debate-florida-oblivious-pictorial-review/) - The second Republican debate in Florida was held yesterday, pitting the political powerhouses Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, and some guy named Rick against each other in a battle of issues, relevancy, and for America. Those who viewed the podium bout were filled with questions, and hopefully were given answers, however I had an appointment to have my nose-hairs plucked out by a chicken, and could not be one of the audience. Luckily, the internet has a wide range of images depicting the debate from beginning to end, so I will explain what happened to the best of my abilities.
- [Death Cab for Cutie to Launch Farewell Zooey Tour](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/26/death-cab-cutie-launch-farewell-zooey-tour/) - Los Angeles, CA: After two month's of separation and a month of divorce proceedings, "Death Cab for Cutie" frontman Ben Gibbard is planning to say goodbye to Zooey Deschanel the only way he knows how: playing and singing depressing songs, starting in April.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2012: Conference Championships](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/21/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2012-conference-championships/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Things are coming down to the wire for all players, and much like our leaders, these games are really about seeing if the defense will hold up against late game heroics by Eli Manning and Tom Brady, respectively.
- [What Is Dirty Dancing Anymore?](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/25/dirty-dancing-anymore/) - I am not a big fan of Dirty Dancing. Sure, Jennifer Grey was one of my "just turned adolescent" fantasies thanks to Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I don't know if it was her "just rolled out of bed" perm, those eternally angry facial expressions that just scream sexiness, or that slick peach trench-coat of a sweater she wore, but it worked for me. Dirty Dancing, on the other hand, turned Jennifer Grey into an oblivious upper-middle class princess that looked closer to 9 than 19. Add that to the fact that this was a dancing movie, and I wasn't much of a dancer. Ever.
- [Joe Paterno Fails to Replace Abe Vigoda Joke](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/23/joe-paterno-fails-replace-abe-vigoda-joke/) - University Park, PA: After only a few hours and minimal faulty news reports, reality was finally confirmed: Abe Vigoda is still alive. Unfortunately for legendary Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, Joe Paterno is not. The rumor of Joe Paterno's passing came late Saturday night, however family members, including Paterno himself, denied the allegations until Sunday morning. "News of my passing came prematurely, but rest assured, I'm still here," explained Paterno, still not fully aware during a press conference that he had died.
- [New Jersey Lobbies for Giants Super Bowl Parade to be Held on Turnpike](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/20/jersey-lobbies-giants-super-bowl-parade-held-turnpike/) - East Rutherford, NJ: A decades-long debate was reopened once again on Wednesday as New Jersey governor Chris Christie opened his big mouth without any intention of putting food in it. Instead, Gov. Christie let loose his beliefs that, if the New York Giants win this year's Super Bowl, the parade should be held in New Jersey, and not Manhattan's Canyon of Heroes. “They play in New Jersey,” Christie said on the "Today” show. “They train in New Jersey.” some players, such as quarterback Eli Manning, even live in New Jersey.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Divisional Playoffs](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/13/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-divisional-playoffs/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! The Divisional round of the playoffs begins, which can sound a bit like "Regionals" for glee club. Luckily, it's football, so it doesn't really matter!
- [Belichick and Patriots Hire McDaniels, Cowher and More as Assistants](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/14/belichick-patriots-hire-mcdaniels-cowher-assistants/) - Foxborough, MA: Looking for their first win in the NFL playoffs since 2007, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots left nothing to chance by hiring their former offensive coordinator, Josh McDaniels, as an assistant to offensive coordinator Bill O'Brian. While there are roster lock rules that prevent players from jumping from a losing team to a playoff team at a certain time, the same rules do not apply for coaches, however that may change after the outcry that followed the McDaniels move. Sources in the NFL have stated that the rule would be looked at in the off-season. Because of this rule change, Bill Belichick has begun a quest to collect as many assistant coaches for his team as possible in order to give him and his team a knowledgeable edge in the future.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Wild Card Weekend](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/06/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-wild-card-weekend/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. It's wild card weekend, and while nothing seems as wild as last year's Seahawks getting into the playoffs with a 7-9 record, it sure came close with Tebow and the Broncos going 8-8 while the NFC West got a bye. You can't make this stuff up!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 1-10-2012](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/10/horrible-horoscopes-week-1102012/) - Moonbeam Censhaw returns to explain what the stars say about our futures. Hilarity ensues?
- [Mitt Romney Admits to Not Tying Dog to Roof for 2012 Campaign](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/10/mitt-romney-admits-tying-dog-roof-2012-campaign/) - Bedford, NH: Presidential campaign trails are full of the philosophies, hopes, and successes of those that are running. These sparks are what ignite the fuel within voters to inspire them to passionately vouch for, defend, and eventually vote for a candidate. Those same presidential trails are also full of mud,lack of judgement, and actions that may exhibit a flaw in character that could transcend into the management of the presidential office. Mitt Romney, leading the polls for the Republican Party candidate for the election of 2012, has had one of those flaws resurface again as reminders have begun popping up in newspapers, magazines and the internet.
- [Santorum Salad Invokes Proof of Unintelligent Design](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/05/santorum-salad-invokes-proof-unintelligent-design/) - Boone, IA: For years, the term "Santorum" had two meanings in the world, or at least the internet. One meaning had to do with the former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. The other meaning had to do with the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex, thanks to SpreadingSantorum.com. While it cannot be confirmed that the two terms of Santorum are mutually exclusive, it can be assumed that the two terms at least have two different websites, thanks to Google. Now that the Iowa caucuses for Election 2012 have been completed, the spotlight has once again been focused on Santorum and its many meanings as Boone Pizza Ranch assistant manager Keith Prange has renamed his chicken salad dish "Santorum salad."
- [The 2012 Summer Olympics in London Officially an Oxymoron](https://theineptowl.com/2012/01/04/2012-olympics-oxymoron/) - It's 2012 already, and the big topic in the UK is the forthcoming Olympic Games. Britain won the right to host the event by being the only country stupid enough to apply for it in the middle of a global economic meltdown, and already the games are running massively over budget, mainly due to the fact that the Government Minister in charge of the event somehow forgot to factor our 20% sales tax into the equation.
- [Obama Supporters March on White House](https://theineptowl.com/2008/11/07/obama-supporters-march-white-house/) - Washington, DC: Early this morning, a gathering of about twenty thousand Obama supporters marched on the White House off of Pennsylvania Avenue, and proceeded to set up camp. Secret Service agents were suspicious of the activity outside of the White House gates, which prompted a call to action by the Washington D.C. police. Apparently, the demonstration was made up of Obama supporters who either thought Barack Obama was to take over as president of The United States of America at the end of the week, or people who just didn't have anything better to do.
- [The Diary of Keanu Reeves](https://theineptowl.com/2008/11/13/diary-keanu-reeves/) - In this age of gossip, it can be a struggle for an upstanding publication such as ours to find important, verifiable facts about celebrities, whether it be about their political leanings, financial situation, children, or if they bought a Gucci or Louis Vuitton collar for their miniature Italian greyhound. Sometimes it takes an exceptional amount of harassment for an interview while hanging out of a news van driving eighty miles per hour. Sometimes it takes an immense amount of stalking around one's house, usually equal to the amount of arrests for disregarding certain "restraining orders."
- [Salvation Army To Fight In Iran](https://theineptowl.com/2008/12/03/salvation-army-fight-iran/) - A beleaguered President Bush, running out of time in his lame-duck office term but eager to start up another international conflict, has reinstated the draft in order to boost the ranks of the military. However, the new draft is aimed at a single organization: the Salvation Army. When asked about the move, the President said, "Just look at the name: Salvation Army. Army, as in soldiers. Salvation, as in Christian soldiers. Just the kind of thing we need to take out those godless foreign aggressors in... where am I sending them? Iraq? Afghanistan? Iran? Yeah, Iran. That's it."
- [Homes for Wayward Homes](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/09/homes-wayward-homes/) - President Barack Obama has turned his attention to another action on his "Taking Care of Business" policy list by further examining the mortgage crisis, which has played an alarming part in the current global economic situation. At the present moment, the influx of mortgage failures and the business of trading the interests of these defaults has left countless houses in a state of turmoil and, essentially, homelessness. These houses become wards of banks, or even the state, which must then care for them as if they were their own.
- [Springsteen's Slide Just an Act](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/02/springsteens-slide-act/) - Tampa Bay, FL: During a press conference, after his performance at Super Bowl XLIII's Half-Time Show and before he was carted away in an ambulance, Bruce Springsteen answered questions by his detractors about his "losing the skill to rock." The focus was on his knee slide across the stage and into a camera-man during the performance.
- [Tourists Confuse Seacrest for Clark](https://theineptowl.com/2009/01/05/tourists-confuse-seacrest-clark/) - During the New Year's Eve festivities at the illustrious Times Square of Manhattan, many international tourists were confused by the joint hosts, Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest. The confusion laid in which host was stroke survivor Dick Clark, the mumbling elderly gentleman sitting at a desk on the JumboTron, or the young blonde gentleman speaking way too loudly into his microphone while flinching at brightly colored lights.
- [iPOS 3.0 to be Released](https://theineptowl.com/2009/03/21/ipos-30-released/) - Cupertino, CA: After months of mockery and resentment, but steady sales, Apple has raised the bar of excellence with the sophisticated features present in its iPhone 3.0 Operating System, due to be released to the public this summer.
- [A-Rod Tests Positive for SUCK](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/11/arod-tests-positive-suck/) - New York, NY: In the past week, it has been revealed that New York Yankees’ 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez tested positive for banned performance-enhancing substances as a part of random, anonymous drug testing during the 2003 season. After the story was revealed, Rodriguez admitted to using performance enhancers between 2001 and 2003; however, Inept Owl reporters have obtained copies of a more recent drug test and realized that the entire story has not yet come out. Buried amongst all the scientific mumbo-jumbo that, quite frankly, leaves us completely mystified, Owl staff found mention of one substance not previously listed in reports elsewhere. This compound was found by blood-testing, as it apparently disappears once it passes through the kidneys and mixes with urine. The substance, which is labeled “steroid: undetectable compound, kidney-based” or SUCK for short, was found in Rodriguez’s blood sample.
- [Two For One: The Hensel Twins](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/21/hensel-twins/) - When I saw this on YouTube™, my first reaction was shock and amazement, but ever since I have been left with questions that only mount. Abbey and Brittany Hensel are sisters that share the same body. One might say, at first look, that they are a two-headed girl, which wouldn't be too terribly inaccurate, but the DMV has determined that they will be issued two drivers' licenses. Right away, this is where the questions start forming in my uselessly inquisitive mind. If one fails the driving test, the other one can take it, although the same hands would be used to fill in the answers on the test, and who's to say they wouldn't be cheating on the test - or any test for that matter?
- [Peter Gabriel Takes Song, Goes Home](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/16/peter-gabriel-takes-song-home/) - Los Angeles, CA: Citing disrespect, the stifling of artistry rights, and public humiliation, Peter Gabriel, the former frontman of the British pop band Genesis, now destined to write screen jingles and release "Greatest Hits" albums and DVDs, has pulled out of the 2009 Academy Awards.
- [Local Idiot to Rip Off Tucker Max](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/23/local-idiot-rip-tucker-max/) - In an effort to either find a buyer for his unrequitted love, or just to boost ratings for his website, inept editor Patrick Emmel released plans to create an online dating application in order to dupe would-be female attention getters into dating and/or sleeping with him. People who may find this familiar probably remember the exploits of Tucker Max, celebrity blogger and author of the book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, due to become a feature film in the near future.
- [Fat Necks Linked to Fat People](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/17/fat-necks-linked-fat-people/) - In the results of a study released late last week, scientists have confirmed a shocking discovery: people with fat necks are considered biologically fat. Before now, there were other visual flags confirming that someone was, or was capable of being, fat. For instance, a bulbous lower abdomen on a human male or female, that is not dismissed by pregnancy, could be considered fat; the apparent joining of a human's calf to his or her ankle, aptly named "cankles" by some of the most distinguished minds in the medical field, could put a person up for consideration as fat; ever present residue of condiments, such as mustard, ketchup, or maple syrup, even during non-meal times, on the subject's shirt or seat of their pants or muumuu, could be a basis of consideration for fatness.
- [Somali Pirates Pick New Targets](https://theineptowl.com/2009/04/15/somali-pirates-pick-targets/) - Early Wednesday morning, young Somali pirates, frustrated in their attempts to capture U.S. cargo ships, revealed a new strategy by hijacking two kayaks, a paddleboat, and the log flume ride at Magic Happyland Amusement Park.
- [President Loses Tie Clip in Front of Saudi King](https://theineptowl.com/2009/04/14/president-loses-tie-clip-front-saudi-king/) - London, UK: The G20 Summit became a bit of a spectacle last week, without the help from global economic troubleshooting. The event in question was when United States President Barack Obama allegedly bowed to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia during the Summit's "Meet and Greet Cocktail Hour." During the initial meeting between the American president and Saudi king, it was noted that upon shaking hands, President Obama went into a crouched bow, as if in a subservient genuflection large enough to be noticed, but probably small enough to inspire a Sensei to whip a student with a bamboo rod.
- [American Apparel Settles Down Woody Allen](https://theineptowl.com/2009/05/19/american-apparel-settles-woody-allen/) - New York, NY: After a year of legal wrangling, Woody Allen and American Apparel have reached an agreement in the lawsuit filed by Allen last year, accusing American Apparel of using his likeness in billboard ads posted in Hollywood and New York. The ads, which portray Allen as a rabbi, were offensive enough to the diminutive director that he filed a ten million dollar lawsuit.
- [Common Cold Sweeping the Globe](https://theineptowl.com/2009/05/01/common-cold-sweeping-globe/) - Just as fear of swine flu began sweeping across North America, scientists in Europe noticed an even more disturbing trend: the spread of the common cold. While the common cold has been around for years, the recent increase in concern about the spread of disease has made this a much more pressing issue in the eyes of public health officials.
- [Time Warner Cable  to Sponsor Next Earth Hour](https://theineptowl.com/2009/03/30/time-warner-cable-sponsor-earth-hour/) - This past Saturday marked the third "Earth Hour," a steadily growing annual eco-awareness hour where citizens of Earth turn off anything that lights up. Cities around the world dumped themselves into blackouts, including Atlanta, Chicago, Las Vegas, Los Angeles, Miami and Nashville, Moscow, Hong Kong, Mumbai, Shanghai and Mexico City. Surprisingly, no riots or massive thefts were reported, possibly because no-one could see anything happening.
- [Country Shocked at Miss USA Pageant](https://theineptowl.com/2009/04/21/country-shocked-usa-pageant/) - Las Vegas, NV: Television viewers of NBC and the audience at the Planet Hollywood Resort were shocked and appalled at the Miss USA Pageant on Sunday. The reason: Perez Hilton. As a celebrity telecast judge, Perez Hilton was given the seemingly humorous function of asking Miss California Carrie Prejean a question.
- [Laker Fans Riot in Iran](https://theineptowl.com/2009/06/16/laker-fans-riot-iran/) - Emotions have run high in many Iranian cities this week. Some believe this to be caused by the election results in Iran where incumbent president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was declared the winner over reform candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi among others. Many supporters of Mousavi allegedly believed that the election was rigged in order to give Ahmadinejad the easy victory. Because of a closed view to foreign journalists, it has been near impossible to clarify the story. Luckily, using logic and reason, we at The Inept Owl have been able to uncover the truth about the riots in Iran. It is highly likely that these riots are due to the Los Angeles Lakers defeating the Orlando Magic in the NBA Finals.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 17](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/31/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-17/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. The New Year is set to begin. How poetic it is that this day may end the year, or season, of so many teams...and some of our analysts.
- [Victory Over Sock Puppet Bolsters Rick Santorum in 2012 Election](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/30/victory-sock-puppet-bolsters-rick-santorum/) - Muscatine, IA: As the Iowa caucuses come to a close, Santorum finds himself climbing the polls. While some political pundits see this as the result of political missteps by other candidates, it is actually Santorum's debate capabilities that have helped him on his quest to campaign legitimacy. Not debate prowess versus Michele Bachmann, nor Mitt Romnet, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, or Ron Paul, but his scathing debates against Libby, his sock-puppet sidekick.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 16](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/22/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-16/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. Let us see how many Christmas, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, Scientology-themed Gift Day jokes they can dish out!
- [Ohio Man Has Never Heard Mariah Carey Christmas Songs](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/26/man-never-hear-mariah-carey-christmas-songs/) - Berea, OH: Earlier this week, scientists made a one-of-a-kind discovery: a man who has never once listened to a Christmas carol performed by singer Mariah Carey. At a press release in Berea, Dr. Jim Foxentrot, head of the Christmas and Related Events of Yule branch of the Benevolent League of Winter Scientists (CAREY-BLOWS) revealed a glimpse of the rare beast to the public.
- [American Horror Story Takes Page From Melrose Place](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/22/american-horror-story-takes-page-melrose-place/) - Hollywood, CA: Heralded as one of the best dramatic horror series since HBO's Carnivale by absolutely no-one and ABC's Dark Shadows by co-creator Ryan Murphy, American Horror Story seemed poised to help create a solid foundation for the television genre with help from AMC's The Walking Dead. The combination of ghost story, adultery, and Jessica Lange was a cohesive equation, which was proven by way of Golden Globe nominations. It was in the final episodes, however, that the series took a turn for the overly dramatic...
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 15](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/15/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-15/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. Things are getting close at the last few weeks, for both analysts and readers! Don't forget that we're so obnoxious that we'll be picking through the playoffs and Super Bowl. Even the Pro Bowl!
- [Music Artist/Dictator Kim Jong-il Dies Amid Speculation](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/19/music-artistdictaor-kim-jongil-dies-speculation/) - Pyongyang, NORTH KOREA: The highly possible, thought to have already happened and covered up by the use of body-doubles, has supposedly happened: North Korean dictator/rap artist/movie director/aviator trend-setter has passed away. The official reports state that Kim suffered a heart attack while riding a train on Dec. 17, and died of complications. However, many are under the suspicion that the East Coast VS West Coast cold war that escalated this past decade may have led to the demise. The news came as suddenly as any other seemingly doctored news that comes out of North Korea, as media reports from the country are alluding to the possibility that the rap feud between the United States and North Korea had something to do with "Dear Leader's" death.
- [Carradine Family Blames Multiple Conspiracy Theories](https://theineptowl.com/2009/06/15/carradine-family-blames-multiple-conspiracy-theories/) - The untimely death of actor David Carradine has left many upset, others angry, and most utterly confused due to the portrayal of the actor in his death. Namely, that he was hanging in a closet by his neck in ladies lingerie with his penis out, one of the seemingly odd poses a Shaolin monk would use to find divinity or solace. David Carradine's body was found this way in a hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand. Thai police were called to the scene when a hotel maid found Carradine in his deceased state. Upon realizing that he was an actor, the maid quickly "twittered" the incident, complete with pictures. The Bangkok Police Department learned of the death because of a "retweet" by Twitter account ThaiGirlXO, and raced to the scene.
- [North Korea: Mission Accomplished](https://theineptowl.com/2009/07/07/north-korea-mission-accomplished/) - This past Sunday, the rest of the globe held its collective breaths as the country of North Korea, under high pressure from world powers to desist, launched their latest three-stage Taeopodong-2 rocket. The rocket was initially advertised by North Korea as a satellite launcher, while the rest of the globe believed it to be a missle test for air defense. "It was hard to believe such an ethnocentric communist regime as North Korea's would care what lies beyond the Earth's atmosphere. Unless they were going to try to conquer it," stated Pentagon spokesperson Robin Guillera. "We do have footage of Kim Jong-il rallying North Korean nationalism against the sun, calling it a lying Western pig and such, but we also believe he was drunk, since it was around the same time that he recorded 'Fresh Jong-il' during his earlier hip-hop days."
- [Bret Michaels Assassination Foiled](https://theineptowl.com/2009/06/10/bret-michaels-assassination-foiled/) - The audience of the American Theatre Tony Awards were shocked this weekend, as a balding biker gentleman in a bandana took the stage to perform hair metal. It is unknown if the act was for irony or just to "pay homage to the age of party rockin" as the elderly man in a "Poison" T-shirt stated to the crowd before his band's set. It seems Broadway's elite society and metalheads may be at odds to this end. As it turns out, this cartoonish washed-up rock star was none other than Bret Michaels, former frontman for the 80s hair band Poison. You may remember this band as a group of meticulously groomed ladies and their coke-snorking pimp who wrote songs such as "Talk Dirty to Me," "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," and "Unskinny Bop".
- [Governor Schwarzenegger to Terminate Deficit](https://theineptowl.com/2009/05/27/governor-schwarzenegger-terminate-deficit/) - Sacramento, CA: This week marked a great upset against the noble and knowledgeable Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Proposition 1A, an economic plan meant to strengthen a poor economy by spending at the worst possible time, was voted down by the majority of Californians. Due to the failure to bolster tax revenue, the state of California had instated a plea to the federal government for financial aid. This also has met with resistance, both from the state of California legislature as well as Capitol Hill.
- [Gawd Bloimy: A Course In Linguistics](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/25/gawd-bloimy-linguistics/) - In a time where the governments and the general public are hot on the heels of the banking corporations, trying to instill more transparency into their dealings, it seems one ATM machine manufacturer has other ideas. Some bright spark in the marketing department of ATM suppliers, 'Bank Machine,' has hit upon the concept of offering Cockney Rhyming Slang as the language of choice for its users.
- [Michael Vick to Join PETA](https://theineptowl.com/2009/05/21/michael-vick-join-peta/) - Leavenworth, KS: Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been released from the federal prison in Leavenworth, Kansas, and will finish the last two months of his 23 month sentence for dogfighting under home confinement. Vick will travel to Hampton, Virginia, and is to begin working for a construction firm while waiting to hear whether or not the NFL plans to reinstate him after placing him on indefinite suspension after his conviction nearly two years ago. Reportedly, Vick’s first plan is to stop at a pet store and see if he can locate a canine companion. “It’s going to be lonely,” stated Vick, referring to being placed under house arrest. “I’m going to need a friend.”
- [Muslim Model to be Caned for Ramadan Fart](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/25/muslim-model-caned-ramadan-fart/) - Malaysia abruptly granted a Ramadan reprieve to the first Muslim Malay woman to be sentenced to caning for farting, but insisted Monday that the thrashing would still take place after the Islamic holy month of fasting. Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno, a 32 year-old mother of two, had been en route to a women's prison for the caning when the Islamic officials who took her into custody drove her back home and released her. Dewi Shukarno insisted that it was an honest mistake. “My family has always thought that it was the Islamic holy month of farting, not fasting.”
- [Chevy Volt Confuses MPG Specialists](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/12/chevy-volt-confuses-mpg-specialists/) - This Tuesday, US automaker General Motors revealed the miles-per-gallon, or MPG, statistics for their upcoming new model, the Chevy Volt. According to their statistics, the vehicle will get "infinity plus one" MPG.
- [Record Sales, Minor PETA Rallies, Predicted With Snow Leopard](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/25/record-sales-minor-peta-rallies-predicted-snow-leopard/) - Analysts are predicting that Apple’s upcoming operating system, Snow Leopard, will sell five million copies upon its release at the end of the month. Snow Leopard was developed over a period of seven years by dwarfs who inhabit the basement of Steve Jobs’ sprawling mansion and it is expected to retail for approximately twenty-nine dollars and 99.9 cents. The hope is that Apple will finally have an operating system to compete with Bill Gates’ Windows.
- [Officials Shake Down Kids for Owed Lunch Money](https://theineptowl.com/2009/07/18/officials-shake-kids-owed-lunch-money/) - With credit in shambles during the aftermath of the latest economic upheaval, both state and local governments have begun to use excessive means in order to supplement their budgets. Some local governments have tightened traffic measures in order to rack up more violations. Others have increased the fares of public transportation. The latest trend appears to be recouping household debts from school children.
- [Tiger Woods Caught Farting, Eating](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/07/tiger-woods-caught-farting-eating/) - This past week, the general public was disgusted and distraught due to a scandal involving Tiger Woods. Thanks to the stellar reporting of distinguished reporters at the reputable TMZ website, it was uncovered that Tiger Woods, while playing the Buick Open at the Warwick Hills Golf and Country Club, released air from his anus in front of caddy Steve Williams while they were on the golf course. This information is startling to many of Tiger Woods' fans and detractors, most of whom firmly believed that instead of "passing wind," gold coins and rainbows were sent into the atmosphere whenever Tiger released bowel pressure.
- [Slick Willie Mistakes Journalists for Party Girls](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/07/slick-willie-journalists/) - The free world was once again saved by the cunning linguistics of former President of the United States Bill Clinton, when he negotiated the release of two journalists from North Korea. The journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, were arrested a little over four months ago for entering the country of North Korea illegally and engaging in "hostile acts" such as chewing gum and wearing skirts that didn't cover their knees. They were sentenced to 12 years of hard labor.
- [Viral Epidemic Linked to Celebrity Deaths](https://theineptowl.com/2009/07/27/viral-epidemic-linked-celebrity-deaths/) - The first half of this year has taken down a lengthy list of celebrities that we hold dear to our hearts: Ed McMahon; Natasha Richardson; that guy who played Khan in Star Trek; Bea Arthur; David Carradine; Michael Jackson; Farrah Fawcett; Dom DeLuise; Billy Mays; Walter Cronkite; Steve McNair; Les Lye; and, of course, Gidget the Taco Bell chihuahua. There were more casualties, but considering we pushed the envelope giving you that long a list, we'll let a few slide. The reasons for the expirations of the individuals had seemed to vary: heart failure; homicide; extreme eroticism; being run over by a truck while chasing cars(Les Lye, obviously.) However, coroners and scientists are not so sure. The causes, it seems, maybe all be linked to one reoccurring viral strain: the pheerodelizto virus, or as they call it in Hollywood, The Reaper.
- [Gun-Toting Soccer Mom Shot Dead](https://theineptowl.com/2009/10/13/guntoting-soccer-mom-shot-dead/) - A very homely soccer mom, who gained national attention when she openly carried a loaded gun to her 5-year-old daughter's game, was shot dead Wednesday along with her husband in what appeared to be a murder-suicide, the geniuses at police headquarters said. Meleanie Hain and Scott Hain were pronounced dead Wednesday night at their home in Lebanon, about 80 miles west of Philadelphia. Police are looking into early clues, such as the oddly spelled “Meleanie” which may or may not coincidentally sound like “meanie,” which would coincide with the reference to "that bitch" from neighbors interviewed.
- [Government Proposes 1-Hour Work Week](https://theineptowl.com/2009/10/06/government-proposes-1hour-work-week/) - Washington, DC--Faced with a burgeoning budget deficit, today the Obama administration unveiled a plan to help cut down government spending: a one-hour work week. The plan is a federal mandate, but would affect state and local government offices as well. David Welkenbelken, assistant co-undersecretary for the Department of Labor, outlined the plan for the media. "Basically, we are going to ensure that you receive the same quality services from the government that you've grown used to, without the clutter and redundancy of our bloated bureaucracy," Welkenbelken stated. "We have to be careful to make sure we can maintain this well-oiled machine for the next generation to enjoy. Whether it's getting your mail in a timely fashion, getting quickly through the line at the DMV, or getting a response to your house being on fire, we'll all still enjoy the same speedy service to which we've become accustomed."
- [Scientology Faces Fraud; Few Surprised](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/29/scientology-faces-fraud-surprised/) - On Tuesday, a Paris court convicted the Church of Scientology of fraud and fined it more than half a million euros, which is a lot of money, we think — but stopped short of banning the group as requested by prosecutors. This has come as a shock to at least a dozen people in the world, Tom Cruise among them.
- [Rest In Peace Already, Would Ya?](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/22/rest-peace-ya/) - Celebrity deaths are a weekly or monthly event, and they seem to have taken on a life of their own. There are the careers of the celebrities in question, and then there are their deaths, which in many cases, are more worthy of a story than their original careers. Pop culture rumors of celebrity deaths do not help either. For some reason, I seem to remember Ernest Borgnine dying three or four times, only to discover that he is still alive. A couple of years ago, I was not so shocked to learn of the heroin-induced death of Ronnie James Dio. The real shock came a few weeks later when I learned HE was still alive.
- [Vick Tells Students Not To Follow Him](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/14/vick-tells-students-follow/) - Michael Vick, speaking to a group of Philadelphia high school students Tuesday, warned against the dangers of being anywhere near him, and offered himself as a cautionary tale of what can happen when someone, man or animal, gets too close to him and is a follower instead of a leader. The Philadelphia Eagles quarterback, who served prison time for running a dogfighting ring, addressed a rapt audience of 200 freshmen on their first day at Nueva Esperanza Academy, a North Philadelphia charter school. He urged the students not to think of him as a role model, and to resist the temptation to follow him. “Clearly I’m no role model,” said the embattled QB, “and at my core, I still like to hurt things, and would probably hurt you if given the chance.”
- [Shaq to Attempt Career in the NBA](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/28/shaq-attempt-career-nba/) - Cleveland, OH: Actor/rapper/social satirist Shaquille O'Neal announced this morning that, having attempted nearly every other career field known to man, he will begin in the fall to play professional basketball. O'Neal, who is best known for his well-composed postings on Twitter, has had a varied career. Shaq's first love, of course, was music; he has had a half-dozen releases, selling literally dozens of copies. He has spent time in Hollywood, starring in such blockbusters as Kazaam, Steel, and Scary Movie 4. When he was not able to demand the salary of a Harrison Ford or a Justin Long, he moved on. He has been a deputized law officer for some time, inspiring Steven Segal to enter into law enforcement himself.
- [Burt Reynolds Leaves Rehab to Re-Start Career](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/17/burt-reynolds-leaves-rehab-restart-career/) - Burt Reynolds, of Smokey the Bandit and Cosmopolitan Magazine fame, has been released from a rehabilitation center where he was treated for an addiction to painkillers. The 73 year old actor, singer, songwriter, and American Icon was admitted to the Hanley Center last month after a particularly vicious fall at his massive estate in Hobe Sound, a rich enclave in Palm Beach County, left him addicted to painkillers.
- [Late Night Fails at Mocking Letterman](https://theineptowl.com/2009/10/05/late-night-fails-mocking-letterman/) - Late night talk shows took a step back last week, with one of the most agitating and disgusting acts ever attained by a late night talk show host: utter failure in making fun of a sex scandal. And what's worse, is that multiple late night talk show hosts are guilty. The problems began when Stephanie Berkitt, a former personal assistant to David Letterman, began dating "48 Hours Mystery" producer Robert J. "Joe" Halderman. Sources claim that the show "is like '60 Minutes,' except retarded."
- [N. Korea and U.S. To Begin Rap Rivalry](https://theineptowl.com/2009/06/19/korea-rap-rivalry/) - Washington, DC: Tensions have risen this week between North Korea and the rest of the globe, as North Korean officials have lambasted sanctions by the United Nations for their testing of short range fishing rockets, or as politicians call them, ballistic missles, as well as underground nuclear detonation tests. The United States in particular has been addressed by North Korea, considering the U.S. has been the most vocal nation behind Japan about North Korea's weapons programs. North Korea, through newspapers addressed to its own people, has stated that any impediment would be met with retaliation "a hundred bazillion-fold."
- [Finger Bitten Off During Raider Bash](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/09/finger-bitten-raider-bash/) - Thousand Oaks, CA: California authorities have stated that a clash between supporters and haters of the Oakland Raiders ended with one fan biting off another man's finger. Ventura County Sheriff's Capt. Frank O'Hanlon said about 100 people were demonstrating in favor of signing a petition to gain power of attorney over Al Davis, who is severely afflicted with late stage Alzheimer’s, for purposes of taking him off life support and signing a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order. Davis, who before being found was last seen far from home walking the streets of Oakland dressed only in his custom made diapers embossed with the Raider logo (making him easy to identify), had repeatedly resisted attempts to send him to a nursing home.
- [Of Life Insurance and Other Imaginary Wealth](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/09/life-insurance-imaginary-wealth/) - I keep seeing these commercials for life insurance in between my viewings of the Patty Duke Show and Mr. Ed on my favorite converter box channel. I never really grasped the need for life insurance. I mean - Yeah, I understand that it would provide cash for people (survivors they are called, as if they were ever in danger of a heart attack that I would suffer) that I would be leaving behind. The problem there is that I need every penny to pay bills NOW. Besides, it just seems obscene to me to be socking away money for a particular moment in time wherein I would never be able to spend it - Ever! AFLAC, I get. That provides some money for real expenses like bills, groceries, cigarettes - you know - real things that are needed in daily life if, for some reason, I were unable to drag my miserable shape into the toy company and tap out a few package designs for any extended period of time.
- [Monkey Business](https://theineptowl.com/2009/11/18/monkey-business/) - I have never been fond of monkeys. As a matter of fact, I have thought of them as evil creatures ever since my childhood. They share a special place in my psyche with clowns, cats, and carnies. They just scare the piss out of me. So coming across stories that serve to compound this view never helps matters.
- [Romo Sues Merriam-Webster For Douchebag Definition](https://theineptowl.com/2009/10/19/romo-sues-merriamwebster-douchebag-definition/) - Dallas, TX: Tony Romo, mired in an up and down start the last few years, has taken it upon himself to sue Merriam-Webster for their recent updated entry of the word "douchebag" in the 2010 edition of their standard bearer, Merriam-Webster’s 2010 abridged Dictionary. Citing unnamed sources, WESPN has reported on their website that the following leaked definition (along with incriminating photo) was shown to Romo and precipitated the lawsuit.
- [Georgia Woman Mauls Burglar, Receives No Biscuit](https://theineptowl.com/2009/11/03/georgia-woman-mauls-burglar-receives-biscuit/) - Police are investigating after a Georgia woman scared off a would-be burglar by acting like a dog. No, this isn’t a joke. The Athens Banner-Herald reported Monday that the woman scared off the suspect around 11 p.m. Saturday. According to police, the woman got on the floor and began scratching at the door and acting like a large dog when the suspicious man tried turning the woman's door knob.
- [Obama Fails to Change World in Six Months](https://theineptowl.com/2009/07/20/obama-fails-change-world-months/) - Washington, DC: As President Obama reached the six-month anniversary of his taking the Oath of Office, his administration was officially dubbed a failure by the American populace. "That good-fer-nothin Muslim promised us all sorts of stuff, and none of it's happened," said Cletus Popper, a Kentucky coal miner. "The war in Eye-raq, the Tally-ban, free healthcare for my young'uns... none of it! If I'da registered to vote, and if I'da voted for Mr. John McCain, I bet I'd be sittin' on a pile of hunnert dollar bills right now."
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 14](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/08/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-14/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. After a week from hell dodging bookies, here is our commentary for this week's games!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 12-12-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/12/horrible-horoscopes-week-12122011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns as our illiterate reader of the stars!
- [Little Women the Musical: A Manly Preview](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/08/little-women-musical-manly/) - Little Women the Musical is slated to be experienced during the next two weeks in the greater New York Metropolitan area at The Secret Theatre, I, for one, am excited, with no resemblance to the online predator meme of pedo-bear. Promise.
- [World's Largest Easy-Bake Oven Activated](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/15/worlds-largest-easybake-oven-activated/) - After thirteen years and an estimated 3.2 to 6.4 billion pounds(British currency), physicists from around the globe gathered at an undisclosed area around the border of France and Switzerland(yes, I have no idea where I am as I compose this article) to be present as the Large Hadron Collider was turned on for a test run in order to cook a ham and cheese Hot-Pocket®.
- [Montauk Monster May Be Luke Perry](https://theineptowl.com/2008/07/31/montauk-monster-luke-perry/) - After a little less than a week of skepticism, wonderment, and downright ignorance, it is now believed by the general scientific community that the alleged "Montauk Monster" that has gripped the imagination of a few random people may actually be forgotten pseudo-actor Luke Perry. The specimen was allegedly first discovered by a group of twenty-something-aged women who coincidentally all work for various marketing agencies. "I heard all this shrieking just off the shore, and I came running. I found a group of people all talking about some freakish-looking thing that washed ashore. Of course, I didn't see it for myself because they said some weirdo in a lab coat and goggles came by with a cart and took it away, but I bet it looked horrible up close. I've seen the pictures, anyway," commented Montauk resident John Kiel.
- [Candidates Debate Policies, Pizza Toppings](https://theineptowl.com/2008/09/29/candidates-debate-policies-pizza-toppings/) - Oxford, MS: This past Friday, the entire free world witnessed the opening jabs, right-hooks, and over-all debate of Barack Obama and John McCain, the front-runners of the 2008 presidency of The United States. The combatants brought to light their positions on many topics, such as foreign policy, the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, and energy solutions, all inter-looping into each other during their speeches until the candidates were detailing potential alternative energy by throwing stock-brokers into the Middle-Eastern desert to generate bio fuel. Most of these stances could easily be read on any 7-11 coffee cup.
- [Mark Fuhrman to Auction Off Bloody Gloves](https://theineptowl.com/2008/12/12/mark-fuhrman-auction-bloody-gloves/) - Orenthal James Simpson was recently sentenced to nine years in prison for robbing men in a motel room who were selling football memorabilia of the same "O.J." Simpson. Unfortunately for Mr. Simpson, no-one was killed in robbery, which led to actual witnesses of the crime and an eventual guilty charge by a jury of his peers in Las Vegas, Nevada. When asked about why he would conspire to hold up these men when any residuals he would possibly receive would go directly to Fred Goldman and family, Mr. Simpson explained, "Those b*tches stole my sh*t!"
- [What About the Birds?](https://theineptowl.com/2009/01/21/birds/) - With all the hoopla surrounding US Airways Flight 1549 landing safely in the Hudson River, no one has mentioned the parallel tragedy that took place at the same time: dead birds. And not just any dead birds. It has been confirmed that the birds that took out both engines of Flight 1549 were from a flock of Canadian Geese. In recent studies conducted at the Case Western Ornithological Masters Studies program, Canadian Geese (Branta canadensis) were found to have the IQ similar to that of orangutans and some chimpanzees. These amazing birds were able to learn and respond to commands such as 'sit', ‘stay’, ‘fly’, and ‘poop’ after only 3 days of training and coaching.
- [GPS Misdirects Man for 5 Days](https://theineptowl.com/2009/03/03/gps-misdirects-man-5-days/) - Another life was saved from faulty electronics yesterday, as local authorities found a man in his car on the mountain roads of Montana, severely dehydrated and, more importantly, out of gas. What was most alarming to local sheriff Mitchell Upton was the license plate of the car was from Vermont. "People from out of state rural areas generally don't come to Montana. There's not much to see that people from, say, Vermont, haven't seen in their backyard already. There's just more of it here. Initially, I thought it may be one of them hippies who chew peyote and dance around naked in our forests. But this man, he was dressed in a polo shirt. Huge giveaway. He was lost."
- [Billy Mays Promotes Zorbeez from the Grave](https://theineptowl.com/2009/06/29/billy-mays-promotes-zorbeez-grave/) - Sadness was quickly replaced by good business sense today, as investigators uncovered a video of commercial spokesman Billy Mays' last moments of life. As a D-List celebrity pitchman for such television-sold items as OxiClean and Zorbeez, Mr. Mays was continually mopping up after accidents ranging from spilt milk to Axl Rose's morning vomit. Legend has it that Billy Mays showed up at the Exxon tanker spill with merely one pack of Zorbeez absorbent towels, and would have cleaned up the entire Pacific Ocean and all its wildlife if only he had somewhere to wring the towels out.
- [Game Review: Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter 2](https://theineptowl.com/2009/02/21/game-review-ghost-recon-advanced-warfighter-2/) - In the world of gaming, there is always the question of how long you can stand repeatedly playing a certain game? Some games, such as the World of Warcraft series, keep releasing updates and expansions to keep you interested. Others have so many secret levels, quests, and point systems that it could take you years to even find them all, nevermind complete them(unless you’re cheating with a walkthrough or something. I never did get all of the hearts in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time) Then you have games like Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter 2, that have none of the above, but make addicts out of us all.
- [Eminem Denies Salad Tossing on MTV](https://theineptowl.com/2009/06/01/eminem-denies-salad-tossing-mtv/) - The 2009 MTV Movie Awards ceremony was a topic of drama and controversy once again, besides the uproar from the crowd about Jason Segal not winning the "WTF Moment" Award for his work in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Anxieties were heightened when Bruno, the gay Austrian fashion designer played by Sacha Baron Cohen, swan-dived into Eminem's lap wearing a feathery, winged ensemble with his ass-cheeks all but fully exposed. The act ended with Bruno's buttocks firmly in Eminem's face, and Bruno's face in Eminem's lap. "I enjoyed Bruno's precision landing," stated comedic personality Ben Stiller later on when asked about the incident. When asked if he wished Bruno had landed in his lap instead, Stiller would not comment.
- [Olbermann to Waterboard Hannity Himself](https://theineptowl.com/2009/04/29/olbermann-waterboard-hannity/) - The clash of the media titans had officially begun last week, as two opinionated political baiters began a humorous(to almost everyone else) silent debate on the use of waterboarding as a practice for interrogation. Notable conservative mouth-runner Sean Hannity, after deciding on-air that waterboarding "is as much torture as when Rush Limbaugh served me tossed salad after a bowel movement," continued to make himself look even more idiotic by stating that he would let himself be waterboarded for charity.
- [Activists Ruin Susie's Tea Party](https://theineptowl.com/2009/04/16/activists-ruin-susies-tea-party/) - Greensburg, PA: Yesterday marked a sad point in the life of young Susan Wolffe, as the sophisticated tea party she was holding with her kindergarten friends and a Hannah Montana doll was violated by a group of angry protestors who had camped out in front of her window before entering her home. The trouble began when Miss Wolffe walked around her kindergarten class, at St. Joseph's Preparatory School just outside of Pittsburgh, the day before. Citing parental intrusion about the party being too big, Miss Wolffe was forced to invite only ten of her fifteen classmates. The selection was largely based on whether or not a student liked or did not like her "favorite, all-time greatest singer and actress ever," Hannah Montana.
- [MTV's The State Returns: A Review](https://theineptowl.com/2009/07/13/mtvs-state-returns-review/) - After 15 long years of teenaged-level angst, the adolescents of the 90's have finally been heard: the comedic stylings of The State finally arrive in a DVD package so good, it makes $240.00 worth of pudding seem frigid.
- [Bit Part Actor Dies: "I Heard That!"](https://theineptowl.com/2009/07/23/bit-part-actor-dies-heard/) - The worlds of late twenty-somethings and early thirty-somethings came crashing down this past Tuesday, as the most endearing celebrity to ever grace the entertainment industry passed away. Some believe that he was the heartbeat of a generation. Others have said he was the most spotlighted individual to walk the earth. Others said he was bigger than Elvis, The Beatles, and Jesus combined. That man, of course, is Canadian actor and broadcaster Les Lye.
- [It's Always Sunny Sweeps Emmy's](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/22/sunny-sweeps-emmys/) - With the awards show being filmed a week prior to the televised broadcast, judges and winners were given ample time to replace actual winners with "those actors and actresses exemplify Hollywood at its finest." Although it is unknown why Charlie Sheen was not included in the winners with this statement, it sheds light on the real winners that never had a chance to strut onto the stage to claim their trophies. Those winners, of course, were the cast of the FX show It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
- [Billions Surprised VMAs Still Active](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/14/billions-surprised-vmas-active/) - The audience at Radio City Music Hall this weekend was stunned into silence as, instead of a Hannah Montana concert, they were surprised by MTV's Video Music Awards. For the past nine years, it was believed that the VMAs, as the hip culture calls the Video Music Awards, had been discontinued, and was replaced by random shows such as Paris Hilton Buys Another Dog, A Real World Revival Tour, and video versions of Ashton Kutcher's Twitter account. A viewer would be hard pressed to see a music video at all in its entirety, except during commercials.
- [Reading Rainbow Officially Off Air](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/31/reading-rainbow-officially-air/) - After almost three years in broadcast syndication, as well as at least fifteen years in television limbo, but twenty-plus years on the air, the popular PBS book review show, Reading Rainbow, officially went off the air this past Friday. Reading Rainbow was an educational television show, hosted by Geordi La Forge from Star Trek: The Next Generation, known by his friends and loved ones as LeVar Burton. In the show, Mr. Burton gives a short review of random children's books, yells, "But you don't have to take MY word for it," and then allows kids to give their take on the book, followed by the greatest "ta-da" sound clip ever made.
- [Shroud of Liberace Questioned](https://theineptowl.com/2009/11/23/shroud-liberace-questioned/) - After nearly 59 years of being considered legendary, miraculous, and even a little "fruity," the secret behind late musical entertainer Liberace and his rhinestone suits and faux-fur coats may have finally been brought out of the closet and into the light.
- [Colorado Authorities Rescue Silver Balloon-Thing](https://theineptowl.com/2009/10/20/colorado-authorities-rescue-silver-balloonthing/) - This past Thursday, both state and local authorities found themselves in a race against time as they attempted an intricate, and possibly fatal, extraction operation over the plains of Colorado. The rescued victim: a silver, umbrella-shaped balloon thing.
- [Editor's Bio](https://theineptowl.com/2007/09/25/editors-bio/) - When the child was finally born, the romantic idea of growing up in the city came to an end. Patrick was brought to the outskirts of suburbia on Long Island, and later into the heart of it in a Levit home. It was here that Patrick learned of building snowmen, football, and how to pine away at women much older than him. At 6 years old, 10 was considered way out of his league, which was the exact age of the cute blonde who lived next door to him. Through emotional turmoil such as this, it can be assumed that Patrick would be easily led to writing. Instead, thanks to odd but rather normal family situations, Patrick fantasized about becoming a lawyer and, later on, a therapist. Although the time to run to Law School is at an end, he still listens to people's problems, although they are usually problems people have with him.
- [Pilots Admit To Using Laptops In Cockpit](https://theineptowl.com/2009/11/06/pilots-admit-laptops-cockpit/) - Last week, Northwest Flight 188 with its 144 passengers and 5 crew members was on its way to Minneapolis, Minnesota. Sometime during the flight, the pilots became engrossed in an activity that led them to fly 150 miles past Minneapolis before recognizing that there had been an error. Air traffic controllers in Denver and Minneapolis repeatedly tried to raise the pilots by radio, but were unsuccessful.
- [Patrick Swayze Returns from the Dead](https://theineptowl.com/2009/10/26/patrick-swayze-returns-dead/) - Patrick Swayze, who recently died after a 20-month battle with pancreatic cancer, has been reanimated, his publicist confirmed to ABC News. He remains 57. "Patrick was peacefully reanimated today with family at his side after earlier facing the challenges of his illness for the last 20 months," his publicist, Annett Wolf, said in a statement released Monday evening.
- [How Straight Men Can Watch New Moon Safely](https://theineptowl.com/2009/12/01/straight-men-watch-moon-safely/) - Yes, you have heard right. Throughout the universe there live a small, but virile, population of heterosexual men who need to watch the Twilight Saga's latest besmirchment of the classic vampire movie, New Moon. These aren't the normal "I have to watch it because my girlfriend/wife wants to see it", either. That is an obvious group of men which have been around for ages, since the first man fell asleep at an opera house, or a Barbra Streisand concert, or a cave drawing exhibition.
- [McGwire's Biceps Speak Out](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/12/mcgwires-biceps-speak/) - In an exclusive telephone interview with The Inept Owl, the biceps of world-famous home-run hitter Mark McGwire came clean about the slugger's past behaviors. The following is a transcript of the conversation: MMB: "Listen, man. I shouldn't even be talking to you, but the big guy's in the middle of his nap, so this is the only shot I've got. It's time to set the record straight about all this."
- [Bears Lineman Found Dead: Bucs Relieved](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/19/bears-lineman-dead-bucs-relieved/) - Greenwood, SC: In a day full of highly insensitive events in the NFL(the Jets winning, the Vikings breathing additional life into Brett Favre’s improbably and perpetually overrated career), perhaps the most insensitive actions came from Bears fans in the wake of the untimely death of young DL Gaines Adams. Fans decided to take their ire out on General Manager Jerry Angelo for giving up a 2nd round draft pick (now a high 2nd rounder due to the Bear’s dreadful season) for essentially a corpse. “At least Adams could move when we traded for him, now what do we got?” incensed fan Tony Marino stated. His friend, Larry Miller, added, “In all honesty, I think the production would be similar if Adams is out there next season anyway.” This elicited laughter and high fives from the long time Bears fans.
- [Salahis Refuse Invite to Congress](https://theineptowl.com/2009/12/09/salahis-refuse-invite-congress/) - Washington, DC: Tareq and Michaele Salahi, the latest media whores who attempted to get their own reality show by doing something stupid, today refused, through their lawyer, to speak with members of Congress investigating their actions. The Salahis gained entry to a White House gathering in late November, despite not having an invitation. They evaded security and were even able to shake hands with President Obama, raising concerns about the level of security at such events. As a result, Congress started an inquiry and are considering sending a subpoena to make the Salahis discuss how they succeeded in their task.
- [Conservatives Steal Back Idiot Hat From Harry Reid](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/15/conservatives-steal-idiot-hat-harry-reid/) - Washington, DC: For a short stint this week, Senator Harry Reid(D-NV) was the subject of controversy due to quotes in the book "Game Change" that have made even the most right-wing Republicans pretend to wince. In the book, Sen. Reid was quoted in a conversation as saying that Obama would be a successful choice for president because he is a "light-skinned" African-American "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one." Democrats across the nation rallied against Sen. Reid for the ridiculously politically incorrect statement, until it was found out that he was actually a Democrat himself, and the Senate Majority Leader, no less.
- [2010: A Space Oddity](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/08/2010-space-oddity/) - As the years start to whiz by faster (not fast enough until I can retire), I am trying very hard to look for some kind of sign that better times are just around the corner. A happy ending is waiting to unfold and I can stroll off into the sunset and know I have lived a rewarding and meaningful life.
- [NY Mayor Shows Users How It's Done](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/05/ny-mayor-shows-users/) - This past weekend, thousands of pamphlets were printed by the New York City Health Department. While many pundits had speculated the pamphlets may be about eating healthy on the cheap or yet another list of H1N1 warning signs, reports have uncovered the pamphlets to be a "How To" guide in using heroin.
- [Good News, Everyone, from Copenhagen](https://theineptowl.com/2009/12/22/good-news-copenhagen/) - The debates about climate change, both politically and scientifically, had seemingly become a stalemate. Both global warming supporters and detractors(or, the other way around) began mud-slinging during discussions, which brings the natural assumption that neither side knows what is happening, and what can be corrected if there is, indeed, anything wrong.
- [Review of Bear Ceuse](https://theineptowl.com/2010/02/24/review-bear-ceuses-selftitled-ep/) - So here I am, listening to Bayer Queue's self-titled EP. It's a band, or a guy, or something. He's got like 37 different origin stories floating around the internet, which puts him about 3 reboots behind Batman. He's done interviews with Cat Fancy and a nude photo shoot for Playgirl; the music has been played in grocery stores in New York and before the Pope. The lead singer was a vocal stunt double for Bono on South Park in the episode where Randy Marsh has the world's biggest poo. But enough about that.
- [Film Review: Superbad](https://theineptowl.com/2007/08/04/film-review-superbad/) - Grab your fake ID's and get ready to laugh at Superbad.
- [Review of Huggard, Hart & Taxter's "The Other Side"](https://theineptowl.com/2010/02/03/review-huggard-hart-taxters-side/) - Greetings from the comatose music department here at The Inept Owl! A couple of weeks ago, I received a CD from Huggard, Hart & Taxter for review. After using it as a coaster for my appletinis for a few weeks, I decided to go ahead and do a quick review so I could go back to doing what I do best: not writing anything of substance. But first, I had to do my all-important, world-famous, in-depth research on the band. Unfortunately, there was nothing on Wikipedia, so I was lost. Went to Myspace... nothing. Help a brother out, here!
- [Ashton Kutcher Inspires Divorce to Boost Two and a Half Men Character](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/23/ashton-kutcher-inspires-divorce-boost-men-character/) - Los Angeles, CA: Many actors and actresses engulf themselves in their characters in order to bring a certain base of believability that the audience can start from in film or television. Adrien Brody practiced the piano 4 hours a day and sold all of his possessions for The Pianist. Al Pacino pulled over truck drivers to prepare himself for Serpico. Keanu Reeves became a burnt-out air guitar-playing pop culture teenager for Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and never looked back. Recently, Ashton Kutcher began his own method of character-acting in order to replace Charlie Sheen in the television series, Two and a Half Men.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 13](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/01/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-13/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. Britain is still leading the cup race! Unfortunately for the natives across the pond, this isn't soccer.
- [Another Baby for the Spears Family](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/08/baby-spears-family/) - Today, the next chapter in the Spears' family saga was written, as older brother Bryan Spears revealed that he is pregnant. Spears is world-famous for his work producing Nickelodeon's “Zoey 101,” which, in an odd coincidence, is the show his sister Jamie Lynn Spears stars in. Bryan Spears' other credits include playing himself in sister Britney's reality show and posing next to his siblings on various red carpets.
- [Ask An Owl: Apathy](https://theineptowl.com/2008/01/10/ask-an-owl-apathy/) - Hey Owl, You seem to rip on a lot of things. Is there anything you do like about the world?
- [Local Bar Misses Guitar Hero Joke](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/30/local-bar-misses-guitar-hero-joke/) - After months of researching and brainstorming, Brian Murphy, owner of the bar and entertainment lounge "North of The Border," ignored all pop culture jokes and installed Guitar Hero at his establishment yesterday. This traditional Texan bar still sports a bull-riding machine, big-screen TVs, Budweiser, live country music three days a week, and a condom machine in the men's room. The twist is that on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights, drunken cowboys crooning on-stage will be replaced by drunken college kids, a projection TV and a Fisher-Price electric guitar, the perfect arrangement for a Guitar Hero competition.
- [Bad Santa: Captured Elves Tell of Sordid Affairs](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/16/bad-santa-captured-elves-sordid-affairs/) - Today, officials at The Department of Homeland Security announced their plans to police international skies starting December 24, 2007 at 12:00 a.m. to December 26, 2007 at 12:00 a.m. The Federal Aviation Administration is working closely with other U.S. and international agencies as well. This was brought about after C.I.A. officials were informed by The Department of Immigration that five little people dressed in elf costumes were apprehended at the Canadian border.
- [Prince Sues Entire World](https://theineptowl.com/2007/11/21/prince-sues-entire-world/) - In September, musician Prince filed lawsuits against Youtube, eBay, and Pirate Bay for encouraging copyright infringements on his work. Earlier this month, the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince sent legal notices to fansites, demanding the removal of images, lyrics, and anything connected to his likeness. This afternoon in a US federal court, Prince filed a lawsuit against the entire world.
- [Super Heroes Bringin' the Rock](https://theineptowl.com/2008/02/10/super-heroes-bringin-rock/) - Based out of Sweden, this hard-working and hard-rocking trio burn the candle at both end without abandon. Their nights are spent hunting down criminals the world over, occasionally running into a super-villain needing capture. Vocalo, Animalizer and the Ambassador share a loose association with John Steen, Ulrik Bostedt and Tony Samuelsson. These are the names they are forced to use when they don their instruments to protect their super-identities (I know, shhh).
- [Police Unveil New Reason to be Mocked](https://theineptowl.com/2007/05/18/police-unveil-reason-mocked/) - They're not just for wealthy eccentrics anymore. The police department of the City of Long Beach has jumped on the latest trend for slow travel with minimal perspiration. Last week boardwalk patrols were outfitted with Segway® personal transporters. These glamorized electric scooters have been popping up everywhere since their invention in 2001, from cities to paved trails through the park. These scooters are two-wheeled, using a gyroscope to balance as well as adjust its direction and speed based on the rider's body motion. Police officers nationwide are now using them in place of the tiresome bicycle in areas such as city streets, boardwalks, and parks, as well as any other public space where you don't have to go too fast while dodging through groups of people. By using these chariots of the incredibly obnoxious, it is hoped that officers will be able to catch shop-lifters and drunken bums without having to break a sweat, with only the cost of five thousand dollars per unit.
- [Survivor: America](https://theineptowl.com/2007/10/25/survivor-america/) - I turned on the T.V. the other night, something I seldom do anymore. Unless it's to watch something on PBS or on the History channel. There's so much crap on T.V. that I'd rather spend my time writing, reading, or talkin' smack about the government on Myspace. If I watch anything else, it's cop shows like Hill Street Blues or N.Y.P.D. Blue. I don't know why I'm drawn to those shows. I guess it's the nostalgia I feel while watching it, as a kid I watched these programs and wanted to be a good guy. Just like the good cops I saw on T.V. It was as I grew older that I found out real life was completely different. Most cops I encountered were assholes. There are very few who are helpful, and who don't carry their ego around with their badge.
- [Consumer Waits for "Next New Thing"](https://theineptowl.com/2007/10/05/consumer-waits/) - Benjamin Harrington didn't buy an iPhone when it first came out. He didn't fight shoppers to pick up a Wii gaming system when it first came out. The Blackberry and Razr has been updated multiple times, yet Ben Harrington continued on with his bulky "size of his hand" cellular phone. After months of ridicule by his friends for being behind in this technological age, Mr. Harrington vowed to wait day and night for as long as it took to attain the next breakthrough in electronics, whatever it may be.
- [Ask An Owl: Chest Hair](https://theineptowl.com/2007/11/11/ask-an-owl-chest-hair/) - Dear Owl, I recently noticed that some of my chest hairs have split ends. What can I do about this? -Metro Metro Man
- [So It Goes: God Is Dead, Reviewed](https://theineptowl.com/2007/08/05/god-dead-reviewed/) - In his debut novel, Ron Currie, Jr. offers a credible view of humanity through an incredible premise: God is dead. Literally.
- [Bush to Veto Timetable on Withdrawl from Oval Office](https://theineptowl.com/2007/05/29/bush-veto-timetable-withdrawl-oval-office/) - CRAWFORD, TX: At a press conference today, President Bush vowed to veto any efforts to have him removed from office, now or in the foreseeable future. Speaking from a barcalounger at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush told reporters that he would strike down any attempts to force him to make way for a new President. Bush said, “I have come to the decision that changing horses midstream is a terrible bad idea. And since this war on terror—a war that will not have an end in any real sense—continues, I must continue on as leader of the United States of America.”
- [G8 Summit to be Held on the Moon in 2008](https://theineptowl.com/2007/06/29/g8-summit-held-moon-2008/) - The organizers of the G8 summit, an annual meeting of economic superpowers to discuss global financial issues, have decided to hold their 2008 summit on the surface of the moon. The leaders assembled in Japan, the previously selected location for 2008, in order to hold a press conference.
- [Gaming Diary: Dead Island (Day 2)](https://theineptowl.com/2011/12/05/gaming-diary-dead-island-day-2/) - I have a soft, bloody spot in my heart for zombies. From the days of Lucio Fulci to when Romero was at his best to AMC's The Walking Dead, zombie stories continue to excite me. Maybe I'm a sucker for the end of the world, or critical of the zombification of the world as we know it now, but I stand by my zombie love. So here I am, writing not a review, but a journal log of my time on Dead Island, in order to annoy my editor with a plethora of posts that may just turn this website into a gaming review. This is Day 2. Enjoy.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 12](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/24/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-12/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. Our British analyst is still leading the pack, proving that picking lines is akin to throwing a headless chicken into a circle with one half saying "favorite", the other "underdog." Let's see if it continues!
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 11-28-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/29/horrible-horoscopes-week-11282011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns to tell your future, as far as he knows.
- [Patrice O'Neal's Fear of Planes Unfounded](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/29/patrice-oneals-fear-planes-unfounded/) - Los Angeles, CA: Controversial stand-up comic Patrice O'Neal, well-known for his comedy on stage as well as on the radio, was recently forced to give up on another one of his cleaner jokes when he passed away this morning due to complications of a stroke that he suffered last month.
- [While We Were Bored: a Dedication to Eli Manning](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/26/bored-dedication-eli-manning/) - He's been jeered about his gigantic helmet, being compared to Dark Helmet from Spaceballs and Kazoo from The Flintstones. He's been ridiculed about his on-the-field demeanor in the viral "Aw Shucks" nickname. He's been labelled borderline retarded due to his faces, running ability, and decision-making. But that wasn't enough for me. So I introduce to you my pictorial dedication to Eli Manning.
- [Review: Pirates of the Caribbean, parts 1 and 2](https://theineptowl.com/2007/05/22/review-pirates-caribbean-parts-1-2/) - With the imminent release of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, as well as the fact that this website is still too new and developing for me to get a fancy critics screening pass, I decided to instead begin this week with a review of the trilogy thus far. So abandon all hope of part three talk, all ye who enter here, and fear not, for thar be the last o’ me pirate-speak for the rest of this piece.
- [Film Review: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer](https://theineptowl.com/2007/06/17/film-review-fantastic-rise-silver-surfer/) - After a delay in publishing because I forgot to finish a sentence before submitting my review, I finally fulfill my duty as a nerd and movie critic in bringing you, dear reader, my thoughts on the new Fantastic Four movie, Rise of the Silver Surfer.
- [The Taxman Cometh](https://theineptowl.com/2007/06/10/taxman-cometh/) - Well, once again tax time has come and gone. Each year we get our W-2s in the mail and, like good peasant merchants, we handed some of our hard-earned income over to the syndicate racketeers. . . er, sorry, I mean our government. After doing my taxes, I was to receive $546 from the Feds, while I owed the State $847. Once I "took from Peter to pay Paul," as they say, I would be in the red, owing the difference of $301.
- [Movies, The Meter Maid, and Me](https://theineptowl.com/2007/05/22/movies-meter-maid/) - So, I went to this little hole in the wall place that I frequent often. It's an old school video store, the kind you never see anymore. They've got over 8,000 videos in their selection, most of them on VHS some of the movies available aren't even on DVD yet.
- [Bush Cancels Elections in 'Continuation of Democracy' Effort](https://theineptowl.com/2007/06/01/bush-cancels-elections-continuation-democracy-effort/) - Washington, DC: In his first act since the issuing of the National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive, George W. Bush has canceled the upcoming 2008 presidential election, citing a threat to democracy. The Commander-in-Chief issued a statement from the White House steps yesterday explaining his actions. "The US population would be profoundly affected in the event of a presidential election in 2008. The introduction of a new administration would disrupt the current infrastructure. My ability to function as this great nation’s leader would be undermined on an extraordinary level. New policies regarding the environment and the economy may prove severely affective. These possibilities present a definite threat to the American way of life as we’ve come to know it over the past six years."
- [Marriage Proposal Given New "Old-Fashioned" Spin](https://theineptowl.com/2007/02/21/marriage-proposal-oldfashioned-spin/) - With the eye-opening fiction of the diamond trade in theaters, women are becoming apprehensive about receiving diamond engagement rings. Upon looking at the brilliant, multi-faceted jewel, feminine sympathy has brought about sadness and disgust.
- [Chris "Corky" Burke Stuns Oscars](https://theineptowl.com/2007/04/16/chris-corky-burke-stuns-oscars/) - The audience at this year’s Academy Awards was stunned as Chris Burke was called up to the stage to receive his Lifetime Achievement Award. It was not the fact that he had won the award, but how he had stated he won it. That could be summed up by Mr. Burke’s acceptance speech. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a confession.” Then in a clear, intelligible tone, stated, “I never really had Down’s Syndrome, but thanks for the award. Suckers!”
- [Britney Unleashed, Again](https://theineptowl.com/2007/04/16/britney-unleashed/) - It has been two weeks since Britney Spears attacked photographers with an umbrella outside of Kevin Federline's home. Besides her newly shaved head, twitching eyes, and the tendency to bite anyone within arm's distance, Miss Spears was a model California resident. Since then she has ducked into an undisclosed rehab center to tend to her addictions and overall psychosis.
- [Paranoid Terror from Above](https://theineptowl.com/2007/04/11/paranoid-terror/) - Visitors of Central Park were caught up in a nightmare Sunday as F-16 Fighting Falcons were deployed and shot down a plane flying in restricted airspace. The pilot of the rogue plane, 8 year old James Foldrieg, was guiding his wooden, rubber-band propelled glider to what local authorities assume was The Metropolitan Museum of Art, his target. Capt. Reginald Watson was radioed about the renegade plane during his flight from the McGuire Air Force Base in New Jersey, and promptly sighted and shot it down using AIM-120 missiles. “The little wooden glider took evasive maneuvers, which enabled it to dodge my first AAM. I re-engaged the glider, and my second shot was dead on. I’m just glad there weren’t more casualties then necessary,” Capt. Watson explained.
- [Gonzales Blames Alcohol](https://theineptowl.com/2007/04/29/gonzales-blames-alcohol/) - WASHINGTON, D.C.- In the aftermath of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales’ testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Gonzales has come under intense scrutiny because of his lack of informational responses. He was being questioned regarding his removal of eight federal prosecutors, which he claimed was “justified.” He has, however, forgotten what that justification was.
- [Letter of the Week: 10-7-08](https://theineptowl.com/2008/10/07/letter-of-the-week-10-7-08/) - Why you have to show liberal roots, then rip on something like the Declare Yourself campaign? I think you should pick a side and stick to it.
- [Gaming Diary: Dead Island (Day 1)](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/25/gaming-diary-dead-island-day-1/) - I have a soft, bloody spot in my heart for zombies. From the days of Lucio Fulci to when Romero was at his best to AMC's The Walking Dead, zombie stories continue to excite me. Maybe I'm a sucker for the end of the world, or critical of the zombification of the world as we know it now, but I stand by my zombie love. When I saw the previews for the zombie RPG Dead Island, I immediately had to have it. So here I am, writing not a review, but a journal log of my time on Dead Island. This is Day 1. Enjoy.
- [Occupy Wall Street to Become Occupy Macy's](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/23/occupy-wall-street-occupy-macys/) - New York City--Having been kicked out of various parks, bridges, and underpasses across New York City, the two-month-old Occupy Wall Street movement has decided to select a new location for their efforts: Macy's Herald Square.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 11](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/17/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-11/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. Our analyst from across the pond has taken the lead! Let's see if our British bookie-setter can maintain it while still being unable to watch a whole game.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 10](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/10/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-10/) - Last year's Powder Puff King was Steve Elle, but Darby Shaw is changing the guard like Eli "Aw Shucks" Manning!
- [Reflections in a Mirror and Reflections in Greatness: Tim Tebow and Mark Sanchez](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/18/reflections-mirror-reflections-greatness-tim-tebow-mark-sanchez/) - Beyond the obvious greatness of these two NFL stars, when one digs beneath the surface you realize just how similar these two great QB’s are. The differences are few but the similarities are many and indeed impressive:
- [PEOPLE's Sexiest Man Alive Sparks Protest Over Clint Howard Snub](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/18/people-magazine-sexiest-clint-howard/) - New York, NY: With the release of PEOPLE Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" cover, there seemed to be little conflict with the choice of Bradley Cooper. Handsome, successful, popular, the star of the "Hangover" movies seemed an easy choice for the general public. Unfortunately, not everyone agreed, as an overwhelming amount of Clint Howard fans took to social networking sites after Wednesday's announcement.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 9](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/04/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-9/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. From the ashes of the past couple weird weeks, Darby Shaw has taken the lead, only a few games separate the top from the bottom, and Evil Peyton Manning has eaten his own hand in fear of Andrew Luck. Let's see what this week brings!
- [Tim Tebow Converts Entire United States to Christianity](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/16/tim-tebow-converts-entire-united-states-christianity/) - Denver, CO: The professional football life of Tim Tebow has not been an easy one. Everyone, including towel boys, can throw better than him. His stats are running back-option worthy. His rookie contract only garnered $9.7 million over 5 years. He has been ridiculed by fans and players for his religious tendencies, both on and off the field. Fortunately for Tebow, it was never his intention to be the best quarterback in the league, or even very good. "I'm not here for myself. I'm here to spread the words of Jesus, and to that end I think I've been pretty successful," explained Tebow.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 11-15-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/15/horrible-horoscopes-week-11152011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns to misread the stars to prepare you for the week!
- [What If Rush Limbaugh was in a PETA Ad?](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/06/rush-limbaugh-peta-ad/) - -Inspired by KV(whose name shall be kept anonymous due to her nausea at what she has inspired)
- [ABC Fills Adam Lambert Spot with Rip Taylor](https://theineptowl.com/2009/12/28/abc-fills-adam-lambert-spot-rip-taylor/) - For the past month, the television syndicate of ABC has endured tremendous pressure by gay and pro-gay support groups, due to pulling American Idol finalist, and apparently gay, Adam Lambert from the station's Good Morning America talk show. The decision was made due to an influx of complaints about Lambert's appearance at the 2009 American Music Awards. The appearance featured many sexually provocative acts by the singer, which included grinding his crotch into the face of a dancer, grabbing the crotch of another, and making out with his keyboardist, among other activities related to Madonna and Britney Spears.
- [Twilight Wins Everything for Next 10 Years](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/07/twilight-wins-10-years/) - The end of entertainment may finally be upon us, as the Twilight series has swept the 2010 People's Choice Awards. History was witnessed last night at the NOKIA Theatre LA, as everyone and anything from the movie Twilight and its sequel, New Moon, won out in the awards. It seemed impossible, but every time the words "...and the winner is..." were uttered, it was followed by "Twilight".
- [3 Viewers Agree: Carson Daly is Invaluable](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/14/3-viewers-agree-carson-daly-invaluable/) - Late night television has never seen the rivalry it has seen this past week, as co-NBCers Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien find themselves in the same time slot in their network's future plans for late night television.
- [From The Desk of Conan O'Brien](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/22/desk-conan-obrien/) - In light of recent events that have happened between NBC and Conan O'Brien, we were lucky enough to "find" a page of a possible monologue Conan may give when he is hired by another network.
- [NASA Violates Lemon Laws](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/18/nasa-violates-lemon-laws/) - The National Aeronautics and Space Administration(NASA) is under investigation by the Better Business Bureau(BBB) in a retail war of some of the longest acronym titles in history. The hot-button topic is the sale of used space shuttles. The situation began when NASA priced three space shuttles at Kennedy Space Center, Atlantis, Discovery, and Endeavour, at $42 million apiece, a considerable sum considering the water damage they had sustained in their "landings" as NASA had listed them on Craigslist©.
- [Genetic Link Found Between Roethlisberger and Winnie the Pooh](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/10/genetic-link-roethlisberger-winnie-pooh/) - Pittsburgh, PA: In what seems to be a regular occurrence these days, lines of women have stepped forward accusing Ben Roethlisberger of naughty behavior. In what no longer seems to be surprising and in somewhat related news, a unique genetic mutation was discovered, strongly linking Ben Roethlisberger and beloved autistic bear, Winnie the Pooh. As the floodgates opened, 243 new Roethlisberger accusers have stepped forward, including a few Piglets. Roethlisberger, now known around the league allegorically as the ‘QB of very little brain’ had this to say: “Uh, what?” When the situation was explained to him using nursery rhymes and cartoonish pictures, Mr. Roethlisberger clarified his statement. “I’m still not sure what all the fuss is about. I’m a quarterback. I’m rich. My nickname is Big Ben. What else could a woman want? Or young girl, in most cases.”
- [The Dark Side of the Girl Scouts of America](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/04/dark-side-girl-scouts-america/) - In a stunning move orchestrated by a contingent of conservative Washington lobbyists, the Girl Scouts of the United States of America (GSUSA) have been directly blamed for the prevalent and epidemic heart disease and obesity of the very country that they represent. Indictments for murder and manslaughter charges are currently being prepared by the Justice Department.
- [Study Finds Most American Idol Fans Retarded](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/09/study-finds-american-idol-fans-retarded/) - A study released today by Harvard scientists proves what has long been suspected – fans of the number one television program, American Idol, are retarded. The study, headed by Harvard Senior Scientist Jacques Martinique, was funded by private investors and conducted over a three year span. Surprisingly, the total cost of the research was less than one million dollars.
- [Rex Ryan's Obesity Leads to Jets Elimination](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/26/rex-ryans-obesity-leads-jets-elimination/) - Indianapolis, IN: In the wake of the New York Jets' improbable season, a season in which every conceivable break was needed just to get them into the playoffs, it has been discovered that an organism isolated from the anus of obese head coach Rex Ryan could be responsible for their collapse. Scientists at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York were alerted to the fact that several Jets players in recent weeks were hospitalized with upset stomachs. After psychological evaluations were given to determine if the players were simply upset because they were aware of how undeserving they were to be in the post season (which was confirmed by pundits nationwide before the Colts re-confirmed it for the masses on Sunday), scientists looked elsewhere when those evaluations proved inconclusive due largely to diminished mental capacity, a malady that afflicts both Jets players and their fans.
- [City Healed: To Revert Back to Crotch of America](https://theineptowl.com/2010/02/12/city-healed-revert-crotch-america/) - Celebrants filled the streets of New Orleans, spilling out from seedy sports bars and strip clubs and onto Bourbon Street to celebrate the Saints victory in the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl victory was seen as the final cog in the machine of the city's recovery from the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina.
- [FOX News Reports on Tiger Woods' Jewishness](https://theineptowl.com/2010/02/19/fox-news-reports-tiger-woods-jewishness/) - Members of the media, specifically those of the more right-handed radio resolve, are alternately confused and enthralled by the fact that Tiger Woods, once thought to be just African-Asian American, may be Jewish as well. This belief came about from the utter media wash for which Tigers Woods was responsible for. For the past three months, a news story could not be intelligently covered without some sort of mention of Tiger Woods, particularly such inspiring on-the-scene newscasters such as Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh.
- [Movie Review: The Book of Eli](https://theineptowl.com/2010/02/03/movie-review-book-eli/) - Earth, post-apocalypse; radiation poisoning; Denzel Washington; Gary Oldman; cannibals. How can a movie go wrong with these elements? The Book of Eli shows us how.
- [Where in the World is Cary Elwes?](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/25/world-cary-elwes/) - Every child of the 80s, and many of the 90s, knows of Cary Elwes. Maybe you didn't know how to spell his name correctly. That's ok. I only just learned how to spell it, and I still don't think I pronounce it correctly. I turn the "w" of his last name into some sort of mumbled "long u" sound, and hope for the best. Actually, I think I do that for most British actors and actresses.
- [Courts Agree: Jersey Shore One Big Joke](https://theineptowl.com/2010/02/23/courts-agree-jersey-shore-big-joke/) - For months, the notorious MTV surreality show Jersey Shore has begot both laughs and head shakes from the general public. The show follows a group of stereotypical New Yorkers from such stereotypical places like Long Island, Staten Island, and Brooklyn as they live together in...New Jersey. The show has featured such inspiring entertainment as Snooki getting punched in the face by a random guy, Michael Cera getting a makeover, and finding someone that tattooed the word "cadillac" to their body on purpose.
- [Are We Doing It Wrong? The iPad](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/28/wrong-ipad/) - When it comes to new technology, you can bet on one thing: Steve Jobs will come up with something at the beginning of the new year. No matter how worthless it actually is, you can also bet the price tag will be as ginormous as Apple's stock shifts. This past year, Steve Jobs and the people of Apple sat down to brainstorm what new device, or upgrade to an old one, they would unleash upon the world. Was it a fairly priced computer? No. Was it an iPhone that you could replace batteries for? No. Eternal life? Only for Mr. Jobs.
- [Model Coco Rocha Kicked to Runway Curb](https://theineptowl.com/2010/02/17/model-coco-rocha-kicked-runway-curb/) - Fashion Week is not without a party crasher, as dwindling runway starlet Coco Rocha instigated controversy by stating that she was not contracting much runway work because of her fat "size 4" ass. "It just happened. All of a sudden I found myself drinking a bottle of Evian water, and, bam, I went over 70 pounds. The designer I was being interviewed by literally puked all over his desk and asked me to 'get the f*ck out' of his sight," explained Miss Rocha.
- [Brain Vomit by Jess](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/12/brain-vomit-jess-2/) - Apparently, a Qatari diplomat tried to have a smokey smoke in the bathroom on his flight from Washingtion to Denver, and when confronted about the smell of smoke by a stewardess and a US Marshall he made a joke that he was "trying to light his shoe on fire." Sigh.
- [Kim Kardashian Relinquishes New Jersey Nets Season Tickets](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/02/kim-kardashian-relinquish-jersey-nets-season-tickets/) - Newark, NJ: Yes, the rumors are true. Once a professional basketball fan that seemed to dwarf the likes of Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee in the art of player appreciation, professional booty Kim Kardashian had enough of the NBA lockout and submitted for a refund on her court-side season tickets for the New Jersey Nets.
- [While We Were Bored: Sandusky-Bear](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/08/bored-sanduskybear/) - Considering we haven't been able to listen to a sports talk show that isn't drooling over kid-touching, we decided that the Sandusky-Bear needed to make an appearance. You're welcome.
- [Pennsylvania's Happy Valley Changes to Predator Paradise](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/08/pennsylvanias-happy-valley-predator-paradise/) - State College, PA: In the wake of the recent Jerry Sandusky/Penn State molestation scandal the residents of Happy Valley, the nickname bestowed upon State College from residents throughout the state, have determined that a name change is in the best interest of the town. After a vote the chosen name has been revealed as Predator Paradise!
- [Ask an Owl: Website Wars](https://theineptowl.com/2009/04/03/ask-an-owl-website-wars/) - Dear Mr. Owl, It has come to my attention that a certain other satirical news website, which portrays a piece of produce as its symbol, has a shirt depicting an owl's head with the phrase, "Owls Are Assh*les." Is this other website at war with The Inept Owl? Is there some sort of bad blood, some dramarama?
- [Beatie Family Overcomes Father's Day](https://theineptowl.com/2009/06/23/beatie-family-overcomes-fathers-day/) - Bend, OR: The family consisting of "the pregnant man," his/her significant other, their beautiful baby boy, and a talking horse had their senses tested once again, as the second parenting holiday in as many months threatened to tear the clan apart.
- [World Confused What to Wish Pregnant Man](https://theineptowl.com/2009/05/11/world-confused-pregnant-man/) - Bend, OR: The normally simple holiday of Mother's Day was turned on its head for well-wishers of a certain family. Visitors to the home of Thomas Beatie(aka that "pregnant man" that was born Tracy Lagondino) and Nancy Beatie will have the nerve-shattering job of deciding who to wish a "Happy Mother's Day" to on this first Mother's Day for the household.
- [Dr. FitzGerald Revived with Rube Goldberg Defibrillator](https://theineptowl.com/2009/05/26/dr-fitzgerald-revived-rube-goldberg-defibrillator/) - Dr. Jerri Nielsen FitzGerald, 57, whose struggle against breast cancer during a winter at the South Pole captivated the world, died, only to be revived moments later in what is now being called a “miracle”. Her husband, Thomas FitzGerald, says she died Tuesday at their home in Southwick, Mass, but that the stoppage of her heart then activated what she called the Kickstartmyheartillator. She developed this device, which is powered by energy stored by centrifugal forces catalyzed every time the toilet flushes, shortly after her return home from the tundra.
- [Lady Gaga Rumor Protects Perez Hilton](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/11/lady-gaga-rumor-protects-perez-hilton/) - In a rare occurence of celebrity gossip in the media, computerized voice/pop star Lady Gaga has been rumored to be a hermaphrodite. The rumor began to spread when, at the Glastonbury Festival, audience members perceived a slight bulge in the crotch of Miss Gaga's blatantly visibly underwear. Camera-phone photos from fans confirm that either: A) Lady Gaga does have a penis or uncomfortably large clitoris, or B) pixel resolution in camera-phones still have a ways to go.
- [Letter of the Week: 8-8-09](https://theineptowl.com/2009/08/08/letter-of-the-week-8-8-09/) - I'm not sure if Ulysses is our biggest fan, or biggest hater. His words sound like what I say every time I see a new Stephen Dorff movie, The Phantom Menace, or Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It's tough to gauge.
- [Neverland Valley Ranch to Host Scavenger Hunt](https://theineptowl.com/2009/07/13/neverland-valley-ranch-host-scavenger-hunt/) - Santa Barbara County, CA: The Michael Jackson memorial gained new steam this week, as the deceased King of Pop's will was read in front of family, friends, and loan officers at a law firm in Los Angeles, California.
- [Comic-Con Nets Record Celebrity Turnout, Few Fans](https://theineptowl.com/2009/07/29/comiccon-nets-record-celebrity-turnout-fans/) - San Diego, CA: This past week featured the 2009 presentation of San Diego's Comic-Con, a four-day entertainment party to celebrate and promote movies, comic books, television shows, and anything else that fanboys and fangirls find enjoyable.
- [Tennis Players Banned from Tweeting While Playing](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/01/tennis-players-banned-tweeting/) - Flushing, NY: The professional tennis world's U.S. Open began yesterday amidst controversy over everyone's favorite life-status updater, Twitter. In an effort to squash any possibility of "insider information" about players being leaked to the outside world during matches, officals for the U.S. Open banned the use of Twitter during match play in particular, and asked for over-all good judgement when players were Tweeting elsewhere.
- [Like Mother Like Daughter](https://theineptowl.com/2009/11/11/mother-daughter/) - Des Moines, IA: There may be some truth to the saying that all women will eventually turn into their mothers, according to a U.S. study that finds daughters age in much the same way as their predecessors. Plastic surgeons used facial imaging and 3D computer modeling to study the aging process, and found that daughters' faces tend to follow their mothers in terms of sagging and volume loss, particularly around the corners of their eyes and lower eyelids.
- [Herman Cain Outed as Wrong Type of NRA Member](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/08/herman-cain-outed-wrong-type-nra-member/) - The fact remains that Herman Cain was a decision-making member of the NRA. Unfortunately, it is the wrong NRA to be a part of when campaigning under the umbrella of the Republican Party and its conservative views. Vocal conservative pundits have continued to gloss over how they use the term "NRA" when discussing Herman Cain, as they should. The NRA that Herman Cain belonged to was not the NationaL Rifle Association. It was, in fact, the National Restaurant Association.
- [Harvard Coffee Poisoning Not an Accident](https://theineptowl.com/2009/10/29/harvard-coffee-poisoning-accident/) - Boston, MA: One of six Harvard Medical School researchers, who became ill after drinking coffee laced with a toxic chemical, says he does not see how the incident could have been an accident. Matteo Iannacone, a postdoctoral intern, told The Associated Press on Monday that he immediately noticed a "weird" taste when he took a sip of the espresso he poured from a coffee maker near his research lab on Aug. 26.
- [Midnight at the Oasis](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/10/midnight-oasis/) - Some English City, Great Britain: The world of third-rate tribute-bands took a slight knocking (more of a distant tap than a knock) this week, as British band 'Oasis' split up after yet another complaint from music lovers.
- [Swayze's Widow Discusses What She Won't Do Now](https://theineptowl.com/2009/10/19/smayzes-widow-discusses/) - Hollywood, CA: Two months have passed since Patrick Swayze’s death from pancreatic cancer, and his widow has opted to appear on Oprah for a one-on-one interview with the uber rich talk show icon cum Tony Morrison worshipper, Oprah “Harpo” Winfrey. Lisa Niemi, 53, who sucked on her husband’s fame udder for 34 years, is finding it increasingly difficult to cope with living without the financial assistance of her formerly rich, but currently deceased, husband.
- [Airports Institute Body Cavity Searches](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/11/airports-institute-body-cavity-searches/) - Washington, DC: In an effort to bolster security measures and prevent Nigerian extremists from detonating aircraft on Christian holidays, airports throughout the country have announced plans to begin body cavity searches sometime before Easter. Understandably, this news came as a surprise to many frequent fliers.
- [Scientists Confirm Convict DNA in Football Players](https://theineptowl.com/2010/01/08/scientists-confirm-convict-dna-football-players/) - Cambridge, MA: Yesterday, scientists at Harvard University confirmed what many have long suspected: football players possess more than just athletic prowess; they also possess a gene that leads to criminal activity. This news came as a surprise to few.
- [Tiger Woods Seeks Name Change](https://theineptowl.com/2009/12/07/tiger-woods-seeks-change/) - Windermere, FL: Tiger Woods, charged with careless driving, fined $164 by Florida authorities on Tuesday, and squarely in the crosshairs of the celebrity and tabloid media, issued a statement Wednesday surprisingly skirting his recent legal and family troubles ostensibly in an effort to seek a different kind of fame.
- [Attack of the Mutant Killer Beagles](https://theineptowl.com/2010/02/08/attack-mutant-killer-beagles/) - Central Islip, NY: Millions of Long Islanders spent most of the past week hidden in their homes. Initial reports indicated that the nature of these shut-ins had to do with the fear of a snowstorm that would have brought twelve inches, enough to frighten residents and humor the rest of the northern continent. The snow showers did not come, but the residents continued to hide. Why? The answer is obvious: beagles.
- [Latest HOV Scam Involves Talking Puppet](https://theineptowl.com/2010/02/09/latest-hov-scam-involves-talking-puppet/) - New York, NY: Ever since the creation of the HOV(high occupancy vehicle) lane on the Long Island Expressway, clever drivers have instigated outrageous plots to beat the system and drive in the lane with no high occupancy whatsoever. Many have created life-like mannequin torsos, complete with wigs, sunglasses, and even lit cigarettes drilled into the mouth area. Others have used excuses such as "I'm pregnant. This fetus counts, right?"
- [Not An Airplane: It Could Just Be This Place(or time) Review](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/07/notanairplane-place-review/) - Reviewing music can be a tedious job. To create one, you have to take into account your interpretation of what the artist hoped to accomplish and meld it with how well you believe he or she accomplished this end, while also discussing how you feel about said hopeful interpretation accomplishment and what it means to accomplish such an interpretation... thusly. That was so heavy and confusing my brain exploded. But that is the motion my mind went into when our editor emailed me the latest by Not an Airplane, "It Could Just Be This Place".
- [Review of Not An Airplane: Things and People](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/29/review-airplane-people/) - Not An Airplane has been here at The Inept Owl for longer than I have. Each time they've had a record release, a new writer would take up the review. I don't know if this means that they are our honorary introduction music, to be plugged into people's heads as they type in our web address, but it's a special thing, nonetheless. Now, the mantle comes down to me, as I review their latest, "Things and People".
- [Not An Airplane's "I Never Wanted to Believe in Ghosts"](https://theineptowl.com/2007/12/23/airplanes-wanted-ghosts/) - As a person who is accustomed to sorting out their life categorically, it is hard to run into artists who aren’t easily categorized. How can a band be labeled a folk artist when they made their debut in a comic book (http://abyss.newbsoft.com/comic/iss025/page1.html)? Apparently these guys.
- [Not An Airplane's "Everything Is Not Loveable"](https://theineptowl.com/2008/12/15/airplanes-loveable/) - Being an unpaid faux-music-reviewer (as in a faux reviewer of music, not a reviewer of faux music), I'm not up on the ridiculously fine-hair-splitting categories kids use these days. Our previous review of their work called them "folk," but the current work was a little rock-heavy with country sounds to fit that mold in my mind (that mold being "bearded men who smell of patchouli" and "women who don't shave their armpits"). But I know there's this "alt-country" thing, so I looked it up on wikipedia; on that site, a bunch of people who take themselves too seriously typed a bunch of stuff about a genre they take too seriously. For lack of a better label, I'll call them "alt-country," which, to the best of my understanding, means they're country-ish without sounding like country. It could sound like bluegrass or punk rock and somebody will call it alt-country, so that works for me. The guitar's a little twangy at times, and the vocals are a little twangy at times... it fits. Twenty years ago, they would have been "southern rock." But I digress.
- [Jessica's News in Brief](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/29/jessicas-news/) - I used to travel a lot for work, mostly to places that were far, far away. I'd end up on a 6am flight out of NYC, which means I'd be heading to the airport around 4:15am. The car that would pick me up to take me to the airport would ALWAYS have 1010wins playing on the radio. (For those that don't live in NYC, it's the local news radio station that updates random crap you could care less about every 10 minutes. Hence the name.) These days, sans travel, if I'm up early in the morning I can actually hear the 1010wins jingle running through my head. I usually check out their website because they have a column called "Strange but True". I love things like that, and I look forward to the column everyday, because it always is strange...but true.
- [Colts Entertain 32 Team Draft Trade for Peyton Manning](https://theineptowl.com/2011/11/04/colts-entertain-32-team-draft-trade-peyton-manning/) - Indianapolis, IN: With the implosion of usefulness to the NFL's Indianapolis Colts after the neck surgery of franchise player/quarterback/coach/offensive, defensive, and special teams coordinator Peyton Manning, trade rumors have surfaced as the Colts become legitimate contenders to draft Andrew Luck as well as be labeled the worst team in NFL history. The only thing standing
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 8](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/28/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-8/) - The competition is getting closer, as players get hurt, teams sign free agents, and some of us just go crazy. That's football!
- [Horrible Halloween Horoscopes: Week of 10-31-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/31/horrible-halloween-horoscopes-week-10312011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw returns for some Halloween-based Horoscopes. Try to guess the movies to prove you know horror!
- [Art Creature's Halloween Segment: FX Artist Jeremy Selenfriend](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/31/art-creatures-halloween-segment-fx-artist-jeremy-selenfriend/) - In the world of the entertainment industry, the artisans that usually gain the most attention are the ones that are always in your face: actors and actresses, directors, lead vocalists... Behind the show, however, are the artisans that make sure the attention-getters look and sound good: soundboard mixers, cinematographers, set designers, costume designers, and make-up and special FX artists. Without these individuals, we would be forced to submit to one-frame, monophonic sound film where you can see the zippers on the backs of monsters. It is with this respect for the artists behind the scenes that a recent web-series, Art Creature, has take its cue from.
- [Salaries Cut; Librarians Forced to Moonlight](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/31/salaries-cut-librarians-forced-moonlight/) - Due to continued pressure from government officials, public libraries across the state have slashed the salaries of their librarians last week. The typically docile librarians took to the streets this past Saturday to protest the cuts to their already meager salaries. Few people noticed, however, since the librarians tend to be a quiet bunch. Fortunately, a few reporters did catch wind of the event and were on site to interview the protestors.
- [Prom Problems in Mississippi](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/07/prom-problems-mississippi/) - For the past month, the sleepy town of Fulton, Mississippi had been inundated by civil rights legislation that, for once, isn't racially inspired. Instead, the focus has been on one lonely lesbian and her tuxedo. The Constance McMillen story has garnered quite a reputation, as the ACLU, LGBT-friendly periodical The Advocate, and lesbian pixie talk-show host Ellen DeGeneres have made the situation a cornerstone for how far gay rights and tolerance still needs to go in society. Miss McMillen was first barred from going to her Itawamba Agricultural High School Senior Prom in a tuxedo with her female date.
- [Doctors Perform C-Section; Find Gas-Bubble](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/05/doctors-perform-csection-find-gasbubble/) - Two local gynecologists received a stern slap on the wrist recently for attempting a Cesarean section on a woman that was not, in fact, pregnant. In 2008, a rotund woman and her husband waddled into the ER of the local hospital. The woman, writhing in pain, told medical staff that she was in labor. She donned a medical gown, ordered a quarter-pound cheeseburger, and demanded a C-section.
- [Stephenie Meyer Mails In New Vampire Book](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/31/stephenie-meyer-mails-vampire-book/) - Stephenie Meyer, the super-rich author of the Twilight series, has unveiled plans to publish The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner, a 192-page novella centered on a newborn vampire introduced in the third Twilight novel, Eclipse, in June. Meyer, who has made tens of millions of dollars off of her sub-standard vampire novels and who can’t seem to write anything but books about vampires, admitted to writing the book in a very short time.
- [Ricky Martin Tells the Truth](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/29/ricky-martin-tells-truth/) - Today, Ricky Martin dropped a bombshell on the dozens of fans who read his website everyday. The former singer/actor has lived the life of a recluse since his time at the top of the music charts, venturing out into the public only long enough to have pictures taken of him on the beach cavorting in a Speedo. Martin released the following statement on his website in both Spanish and English, in order to reach his fans in all three countries.
- [Cromartie Reclaims Baby-Daddy Trophy from Edwards](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/22/cromartie-reclaims-babydaddy-trophy-edwards/) - New York, NY: The New York Jets, looking for a complement to lock down cornerback Darelle Revis, have signed free agent Antonio Cromartie in a move seen as expected and no surprise at all. In addition to his skills as a cornerback, Cromartie apparently has other skills as well that sometimes involve bumping and running. Cromartie, who has twelve children living in five states and has been named in at least five paternity suits in the past two years, welcomed the new contract with open drawers, er, arms. Interviewed by Suzy Kolber for ESPN, Cromartie remarked about his contract. “See Suzy, it’s like this. Football is the sport closest to my heart, but bumpin' nasties is the sport that’s closest to my crotch. And I’m really, really good at it. In fact…damn Suzy, you are fine! Has anyone ever told you that?”
- [Big Biden *BLEEP* Floods Nation](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/24/big-biden-bleep-floods-nation/) - Washington, DC: The nation was rocked yesterday, in ways that not even "Guns N Roses" front-man Axl Rose could have imagined, as Vice-President Joe Biden gave President Barack Obama a big f**king congratulations for pushing through his big f**king health-care reform. The big f**king statement came as Biden introduced President Obama at the signing of the health-care bill. When asked about his big f**king exclamation, at a press conference in front of the big f**king White House, Biden responded, "What's the big f***king deal? I was pretty sure this f**king language was commonplace by f**king now."
- [World's Fattest Woman Files Charges for Vaginal Invasion](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/19/worlds-fattest-woman-files-charges-vaginal-invasion/) - Donna Simpson, the New Jersey woman famous for seeking the title of “World’s Fattest Woman”, has filed a complaint against a married couple for trespassing inside her vagina. According to Ms. Simpson, Mr. and Mrs. Edward Abelsohn, both in their seventies, entered her orifice as she rested on a bus stop bench outside of the Krispy Kreme located near her home.
- [The Jesse James Saga: and I don't mean the gunslinger](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/26/jesse-james-saga-gunslinger/) - My favorite news story of the week: Jesse James has affairs with 4 women, possibly as high as 11. If I were Sandra Bullock, I'd be scrubbing my vagina with a brillo pad and raiding CVS of all the fungacide on their shelves. I might even take a bath in paint thinner and then hose myself off with molten lava. Have you seen some of the women this guy hooked up with? If Sandra ends up with anything less than 4 STDs, I think she should thank God for being kind.
- [Music Review: LodemidiQuail](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/12/music-review-lodemidiquail/) - Do the words Boards of Canada, Negativland, and Mr. Bungle mean more than gibberish to you? If the answer is yes, you should definitely check out LodemidiQuail, an electronica soundscaper with a fourth-dimensional lawnmower. If the answer is no, what do you have to lose?
- [Toyota's New Ad Campaign](https://theineptowl.com/2010/03/10/toyotas-ad-campaign/) - For the past few months, we have been unable to turn on the television without coming across a news alert about a runaway Prius or Scion B, Tc, D, or Q. What was once regarded as the world's most boring, and therefore safe, automobiles became the terror of the roadways.
- [Iron Man 2: The Quest for Future References](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/10/iron-man-2-quest-future-references/) - With a star-studded cast backing up the sequel to a movie that reclaimed comic-book movies, you'd think it would be hard for Iron Man 2 to fail. Unfortunately, no-one figured that lazy storylines would play into the equation.
- [Review of Court Yard Hounds' Eponymous Album](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/10/review-court-yard-hounds-eponymous-album/) - In 2003, the Dixie Chicks pissed off NASCAR country. You probably remember the controversy; they made a comment to a London concert audience that they thought then-president Dubya was a chode (Ed. note: not a direct quote). A newspaper printed the quote, one of the 18 country music fans who are literate (Ed. note: not a factual statistic) got ahold of the quote... and the rest is history.
- [Russia Implements "No Child Return" Policy](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/14/24/) - Washington, DC: Prompted by the case of Artyom Savelyev, Russia is implementing a “No Child Return Policy” when it comes to foreign adoptions. Savelyev, a 7 year old Russian boy, was adopted in September 2009 by Torry Hansen, a 33 year old Tennessee woman. After only seven months of mothering, Hansen grew fearful of the boy and gave him a one-way ticket back to Russia.
- [Family Guy Censored Due to Fecal Threats](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/14/family-guy-censored-due-fecal-threats/) - Los Angeles, CA: With the censorship flood-gates opened, due to Comedy Central censoring the use of Muhammad in a recent South Park episode, it was only a matter of time before other television shows were effected by the aftermath of bleeping and black-box activities. Next on the list: Family Guy.
- [What's In a Name?](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/30/whats-in-a-name/) - About eighteen years ago, there was a glut of young women choosing names such as “Cody”, “Dakota”, or “Colton” for their soon-to-be-born male children. My immediate reaction to this was to lash out at these ignorant youngsters and inform them that they were not about to acquire a new puppy. Naming a child “Colton” is damn near child abuse in my book. I predicted that “in eighteen years you’re going to be reading about an awful lot of Codys in the paper”, and that they would most likely grow into miscreants. Unfortunately, my prediction turned out to be all too true.
- [Exceptional Brain Vomit by Jess](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/30/exceptional-brain-vomit-jess/) - First of all, cats suck. This statement may ostracize me from my sister and her fiance, who happen to own two cats. Their cats are lovely, but the rest of the species can just go to hell. And by "go to hell" I mean we should gather up every cat on the planet and shoot them to Mars in a rocket. Hopefully NASA will screw up the coordinates and instead of "Cats on Mars" it will be "Cats Trying to Figure Out What to do in the Depths of Outerspace".
- [Church Group Prays the Porn Away](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/05/church-group-prays-porn/) - Reminiscent of the Christian-prescribed “pray the gay away” solution to homosexuality, a Kansas church has formed a support group for women who claim to be addicted to pornography. The solution to their addiction? Pray the porn away, of course. While some men might find a porn-loving woman a dream-come-true, group founder Prudence Frost claims it’s a real problem: “In the Christian culture, women are supposed to be nonsexual.” So much for the women’s movement. The free-loving women of the 60s just rolled over in their graves.
- [Solutions Sought for Volcano Dilemma](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/22/solutions-sought-volcano-dilemma/) - Last week, Mount Heyyaeffallayouall erupted in Iceland, throwing countless tons of ash and smoke into the air. After a week of EU-mandated no-fly zones over most of Europe caused by the eruption, scheduled flights have resumed. However, with airlines clamoring for the European Union to reimburse them for $1.7 billion in lost revenue, government officials are already turning an eye to the future.
- [Monsters VS the State, City, and County of NY](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/06/monsters-state-city-county-ny/) - For quite some time now, Monsters who find themselves afoul of the laws in New York State have also found themselves square against an unyielding wall of the harshest punishments imaginable, most times without the benefit of a fair trial or representation. Experts most often cite the case of New York v. King Kong:
- [South Park Chastised for Black Box Muhammad](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/27/south-park-chastised-black-box-muhammad/) - What many people believe to be the rudest, brashest, most insulting but funniest and intelligent show on television finally found its boundaries these past two weeks, as South Park's portrayal of the Islamic prophet Muhammad spurned an outcry from Muslims around the globe. That depiction, of course, was the black box.
- [Gas Leaks Suspend Rescue Attempts in Mine](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/19/gas-leaks-suspend-rescue-attempts/) - Montcoal, WV: In the aftermath of a mining accident that had killed at least 25 miners in the mountains of West Virginia, rescue attempts to account for, and hopefully save, the missing miners have been suspended three times. The cause? Lethal gas-leaks in the mines that could cause volatile and explosive reactions and cause the mine to collapse and kill everyone inside. While no further information about the suspended rescues was released to the media, we interviewed our science staff, who are at the top of their fields in biology, chemistry, physics, scientology, and other science-type subjects. At least, more knowledgeable than the field staff.
- [Iconic Independence: Interview with Lloyd Kaufman](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/26/iconic-independence-interview-lloyd-kaufman/) - With his lovely daughter Charlotte by his side(probably to protect our editor), Mr. Kaufman enlightened us about Tromadance, the politics of independent film and the internet, the future of Toxie and Troma, and how our movie reviews are seriously lacking without any Troma content. Here, in both print and audio clips, is that interview.
- [Navy to Ban Smoking on Subs; Mutiny to Follow](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/12/navy-ban-smoking-subs-mutiny-follow/) - In a long-awaited move, the United States Navy has announced plans to ban smoking on submarines, effective December 31, 2010. This comes as a great relief to many non-smokers, while others have threatened to mutiny if the ban is instituted. Nearly 13,000 sailors are assigned to the 57 submarines in the U.S. Navy’s fleet. It is estimated that 35 to 40 percent of the sailors are regular smokers. Not surprisingly, the news of the ban has brought about numerous complaints. The Navy hopes that its aggressive smoking cessation programs will allay the sailors’ moodiness.
- [School Music Club to Sell Shit](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/16/school-music-club-sell-st/) - While most schools sell baked goods or magazine subscriptions to raise money, the school music booster club in the Central Community Unit School District 301 has decided to sell bags of “Paca Poo”. Not to be confused with Cockapoo, the kick-me-sized poodle mix that is in vogue amongst allergy-ridden dog lovers, paca poo is actually manure of the alpaca animal.
- [Packing for the Tromadance Film Festival](https://theineptowl.com/2010/04/14/packing-tromadance-film-festival/) - With his suitcase packed, car gassed up, and everything he knows about independent film festivals tossed into a dumpster, our fearless editor gets ready to visit sunny Asbury Park, New Jersey to experience Troma Entertainment's resurrection of what independent film-making is all about. Forget Sundance. Utah sucks. Get ready for Tromadance.
- [The Northstar Session: Winter Collection Review](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/14/northstar-session-winter-collection-review/) - The Northstar Session is a quartet hailing from California. The four-piece features Matthew Szlachetka on guitar and vocals, Kane McGee on drums and vocals, Shiben Bhattacharya on bass, and Dave Basaraba (a name that makes me want to do the robot, much to my wife’s dismay) on heading up the organ and saxophone, or “saxa-ma-phone” as I always hear it in my head in Homer Jay’s voice. This quartet can be found touring the West coast extensively, and are known to put their all into all of their shows.
- [Review of The Northstar Session's New Prehistoric Times](https://theineptowl.com/2008/03/18/review-northstar-sessions-prehistoric-times/) - The term “rock” entails something that’s hard. Hard is something that these guys aren’t. I wouldn’t throw them to the other side of the spectrum either, though, as a soft rock act (which always seemed like such a ridiculous label to me). If we needed to apply some form of geological mass to The Northstar Session, I think we’d have to go with clay. Likened to Wilco and the Black Crowes, The Northstar Session pull from classic rock influences as well as some more recent acts.
- [Vuvuzela-Related Deaths Skyrocket](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/24/vuvuzelarelated-deaths-skyrocket/) - Officials in South Africa are mystified by a tremendous surge in homicides that involve vuvuzelas. Recent crime statistics have shown that the low-key, lovable horn occasionally used by soccer fans is being used for a much darker purpose.
- [Miley Cyrus Claims New Fans](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/17/miley-cyrus-claims-fans/) - In a recent battle for the artistic innocence of pop stars, 17 year old Miley Cyrus has taken up the fight for feminism and double standards. The action came after she had received criticism for her pole-dance act during a recent concert tour for Can't Be Tamed. The young starlet took offense that her stage presence would be seen as such a problem, when acts such as Justin Beiber and Adam Lambert rarely receive harsh comments.
- [World Cup Runneth Over: Soccer Hooligans](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/07/world-cup-runneth-soccer-hooligans/) - Very soon, the country in which I live will temporarily change its name. For a period of around two weeks, starting on June 11th, it will be illegal for any native citizens to refer to it as 'England'. This is because The FIFA World Cup kicks off in South Africa on June 11th, and it's the Daddy of all football (soccer)tournaments. The correct pronunciation for the duration of the contest is "In - Gerr -Lernd", with the "Lernd" split into two syllables, with the pitch of the second syllable dropped by a tone and a half. The whole word should also take at least a second and a half to say, with a slight fade at the end.
- [Baby Names Prove People Should Not Reproduce](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/01/baby-names-prove-people-reproduce/) - The Social Security Administration recently released its ever-popular “Most Popular Baby Names” list for 2009. And just what names were at the top of the top ten? Jacob and Isabella—two sides of the teenage bestiality love triangle known as the Twilight series. In case you’re one of the few people in America who has not been visually assaulted by the posters, bookmarks, bags, buttons, t-shirts, lunch boxes, and thongs sporting the Twilight trio, Isabella is the young heroine of the young adult book series. Your typical angsty teenage girl, she manages to find herself in a love triangle with Edward, a vampire that glitters like a drag queen, and Jacob, a Native American werewolf still in puberty.
- [Clever Sharks Invade Key West](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/11/clever-sharks-invade-key-west/) - In a complete surprise to veteran researchers a rare breed of super smart bull sharks have been discovered off the coast of Key West, FL, representatives from the Discovery Channel said. These sharks were discovered after an incident occurred just off the coast of Key West in the Gulf of Mexico last weekend. A Clearwater resident, Justin Cavernethy, was nearly mutilated and dismembered by a tag team of two super smart bull sharks. This new breed, Carcharhinus crapolatus, is quickly gaining a reputation for mayhem, or at the very least, scaring the crap out of people.
- [Kevin Costner Dumps DVDs into Gulf to Fix Oil Spill](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/21/kevin-costner-dumps-dvds-gulf-fix-oil-spill/) - Going on a month, the British Petroleum oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico is still leaking oil into the ocean, threatening ocean life, fishing prospects, and the beaches of thousands of retired New Yorkers. BP task forces have tried multiple ways to plug and clean the disaster with slow progress. Tactics have included chemical sprays, burning off the oil, and having having Cyndi Lauper swim around to absorb oil like a dried-up...sponge. While all of these actions have helped the situation slightly, the oil continues to seep into the Gulf.
- [Ellen DeGeneres to Start Record Label](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/28/ellen-degeneres-start-record-label/) - Ellen DeGeneres, famous talk show host/American Idol Judge/Lesbian, has decided to start her own record label after meeting with Youtube sensation/Justin Bieber clone, Greyson Chance. The record label, which she declared will henceforth be known as eleveneleven, currently only has one artist – Greyson Chance.
- [LOST Ends; Millions Rediscover Real Life](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/01/lost-ends-millions-rediscover-real-life/) - Sunday night, television island drama LOST ran its series finale, a thirteen-hour mega-event that chronicled the end of an era. The show, which followed the stories of Jack, Sawyer, Nina Myers, and Boo Radley, has occupied the attention of millions worldwide over six years worth of Wednesday nights.
- [LOST Fans Riot Over Leaked Ending](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/14/lost-fans-riot-leaked/) - Los Angeles, CA:This past weekend, fans of the ABC television show "LOST" became enraged to find that the last episode of the show had been leaked eight weeks before it was supposed to air. This has been viewed as the worst spoiler since James Cameron explained to the public the FX work involved in shooting the sinking of the Titanic.
- [White-Collar Emails (part1)](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/01/white-collar-emails-part1/) - I received this Email a while ago and I thought it and my reply were Owl-worthy. As a reporter, I feel the need to illuminate the public consciousness and inform people of what is going on in the world we live in. Today, we begin stripping naked the international Email scammer, and giggling at him as he attempts to cover his shame and shortcomings. My work with Patrick has been about exposing the seething underbelly of society from the very being, that and rolling up in a corner and laughing at how dumb we are collectively.
- [New Site Strives to Make Conservatism Fun](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/01/new-site-strives-to-make-conservatism-fun/) - Years after the dawn of the Internet, and long after the rise of the social networking craze, conservatives are finally getting with the technological program. Within the next few weeks, yet another online social networking site will be launched. Dubbed "Radical Repubs", it will be a gathering place for cyberspace conservatives.
- [New Burger Sensation Hits Pittsburgh!](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/17/burger-sensation-hits-pittsburgh/) - Pittsburgh, PA: Denizens of Pittsburgh, trying to recover from public scorn over the exploits of disgraced quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, have embraced a new taste sensation: the Rotten Burger. This new burger, being sold exclusively at local Pittsburgh Biff Burger franchises, is aimed primarily at the 18-21 single female population in an effort to obtain the highest sales. Studies have proven that Pittsburgh (and Georgia) females in this age group are particularly attracted to large, ugly men who can throw oblong objects real far. Good looks, being not only optional, but frowned upon, are not factored in by this group, in an effort to enlarge this pool of men. In related news city officials are also looking at a plan, similar to that fictionalized in the book "The Stepford Wives", which would involve creating a suburb that can serve as a hub for such men and the women that love them. This suburb would tentatively be called Rothlisburgh.
- [Office Inefficiency](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/14/office-inefficiency/) - Have you ever had to work with somebody who is so incredibly stubborn that they need to have things done their way, regardless of whether or not their way actually makes any sense? They have such a need to control the situation that they'd rather go scuba diving with an empty tank than have somebody hand them one filled with oxygen, just because they picked up the empty one first and refuse to admit their mistake? There's this woman I work with. For the sake of anonymity, let's call her Broomhilda Witchy Ass Pants.
- [Christmas Sales Begin for 2009](https://theineptowl.com/2008/11/25/christmas-sales-2009/) - Citing a sluggish economy and projecting below-par quarterly numbers, major retailers have decided to boost their flagging sales by beginning their pre-holiday sales for 2009.
- [Click at Your Own Risk: Classic Tales of Terror, Online!](https://theineptowl.com/2007/10/26/click-risk-classic-tales-terror-online/) - Too busy egging the neighbors' place to get to the book store? Here are some ghastly tales you can enjoy from the comfort of your dungeon. Follow the links - if you dare.
- [Georgia to Feature Sex Offenders for Halloween](https://theineptowl.com/2009/09/28/georgia-feature-sex-offenders-halloween/) - In Georgia, sex offenders are restricted from being anywhere a child is present. It is not merely a site ordinance. If a sex offender finds him or herself within a hundred yards of a child, he is in violation of Georgia law. It doesn't matter where. The accidental zone-breaking can happen in at church, at a restaurant, a gas station, or even a strip club, as had happened in one case.
- [Blood Night: The Interview of Frank Sabatella](https://theineptowl.com/2009/03/08/blood-night-interview-frank-sabatella/) - Our editor sits down with director Frank Sabatella and special effects artist Jeremy Selenfriend to discuss Sabatella's major directorial debut, Blood Night: The Legend of Mary Hatchet. The movie itself is set to be a testament of adoration to the slasher movies of yore or, to not make us feel so old, the 80s. Through this interview, both Frank and Jeremy enlighten us on everything from how the movie came to be to casting, special effects, and even opinions on remakes.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 7](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/23/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-7/) - Check Here for information if you haven't registered yet! ____________________________________________________________________ Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. This year, readers can get in on the action for a change to win prizes, trophies,
- [AOL Buys Huffington Post: Inept Owl Still Awaiting Offer](https://theineptowl.com/2011/02/08/aol-buys-huffington-post-inept-owl-awaiting-offer/) - New York, NY: In a surprising internet business deal that doesn't have to do with phone applications or Facebook, long-time email hosting system and chatroom pedophile nest America On-Line recently agreed to buy the expansive news editorial website, Huffington Post, for $315 million. The Inept Owl currently awaits its own call.
- [Papa John to Enter Presidential Race](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/25/papa-john-enter-presidential-race/) - Louisville, KY: Bolstered by the success of former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain in early Republican polling, the founder of Papa John's Pizza has decided to throw his hat into the presidential ring. "Papa John" Schnatter, the 50 year old pizza mogul, announced his decision from his company's headquarters this morning. "It's time that Americans stand up and demand what's best for our country. It's time for us to realize that we don't want the CEO of the 8th best pizza chain being responsible for running our nation... we want the CEO from the 3rd best pizza chain running our nation!" he stated in a press release.
- [Michael Lohan Makes Statement for 'Father of the Year' Award](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/24/michael-lohan-statement-father-year-award/) - Los Angeles, CA: The father of Lindsay Lohan can be called many things: child-star coattail rider; drug addict; Lawn Guyland scum dumpster; Z-list celebri-whore. Finally, after the latest Lindsay-Tracker event, he can be called what he always wished to be: father of the year.
- [Lohan Wins "Big Sister of the Year" Award](https://theineptowl.com/2008/08/31/lohan-wins-big-sister-year-award/) - Lindsay Lohan, the highly regarded actress/musician/model, was recently awarded with the prestigious “Big Sister of the Year” award by the Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Greater Los Angeles. In front of a crowd of 3,000, Lohan graciously accepted the engraved plaque as her purported lover, Samantha Ronson, stood beside her.
- [Tommy Lee Jones Reportedly Killed in Libya](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/20/tommy-lee-jones-reportedly-killed-libya/) - Sirte, LIBYA: The world lost a legend today, as Libyan revolutionary forces surrounded the village of Sirte in a man-hunt for Tommy Lee Jones, who allegedly died in a shoot-out between the opposing forces. Witnesses confirmed that they saw the tall, elderly gentleman with Aviators enter a tunnel in the town, and did not emerge after a group of armed revolutionaries entered.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 10-17-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/20/horrible-horoscopes-week-10172011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw warns us about our future by telling us we are all doomed.
- [Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 10-10-2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/11/horrible-horoscopes-week-10102011/) - Moonbeam Crenshaw reads the starts. He's also illiterate.
- [Yellow Balloon to Serve as British Prime Minister](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/17/yellow-balloon-serve-british-prime-minister/) - So welcome to the clean and shiny face of the UK. We have a brand new, fresh out of the box, Prime Minister here in England. Gone are the days of the George W.C Bush butt-plug we all knew as Tony B. Liar. Almost immediately forgotten are the two short years of unelected leader Gordon 'Golden' Brown, widely regarded as the worst PM the country ever had....but... ...you ain't seen nothin' yet. But you will...see a whole load of nothing.
- [Horror Memes Contest: Updated 2011](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/17/horror-memes/) - The world doesn't seem to have many horror memes. Sure, we have cats playing pianos, gang violence involving Domo, and enough Lazy Town pedophilia references to make Bob Saget blush. But come Halloween, very few pictures come across the internet to get those real "LOL"s out in front of the computer.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 6](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/14/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-6/) - Check Here for information if you haven't registered yet! ____________________________________________________________________ Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. This year, readers can get in on the action for a change to win prizes, trophies,
- [IndyCar Officials Place Speed Limits on Tracks](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/18/indycar-officials-place-speed-limits-tracks/) - Las Vegas, NV: For some, IndyCar is synonymous with speed, precision, and cold-blooded racing techniques. For most, it is lumped in with NASCAR as "just another race car league." Officials in charge of the Las Vegas Raceway have been questioned on the safety of the track after critics and drivers expressed their concerns on the conditions. This has led to a safe and easy solution by IndyCar president Randy Bernard that would make all tracks safe.
- [Doomsday Real Estate for Rent](https://theineptowl.com/2010/05/20/doomsday-real-estate-rent/) - Earthquakes, volcanoes, floods, terrorist attacks, oil spills, a black President—it all has some folks screaming “Apocalypse!” Add to it the fact that the ancient Mayans grew tired of chiseling their calendar when they hit the year 2012, and it comes as no surprise that some people are shaking in their Crocs. But the terrified folks have nothing to fear. A company out in California has taken it upon itself to build the bunkers that will withstand the end of the world and ensure that the human race (or, rather, a small psychotic faction of it) will live on.
- [Boring Sex Leads to Amnesia in 29-Year-Old Woman ](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/13/boring-sex-leads-amnesia-29yearold-woman/) - New York, NY: For one of countless women, sex was boring and, literally, totally forgettable, once again. A continuing case study published in the September issue of the Glamour reported that a 29-year old woman experienced memory loss after having sex with her recently claimed boyfriend. The patient, Kaitlyn Walsh, came into the Lenox Hill Hospital's emergency department, complaining she could not recall anything after going to bed with her boyfriend, Peter Andrewson.
- [Rob Zombie to Release Remakes of Classic Cartoons](https://theineptowl.com/2007/10/28/rob-zombie-release-remakes-classic-cartoons/) - This year marks a change in these cartoons' smooth ratings as musician/director/actor/chef/guy on the couch Rob Zombie is rumored to be releasing remade and redubbed versions of both of these cartoons.
- [Horror Holiday: A Movie List](https://theineptowl.com/2008/10/30/horror-holiday-movie-list/) - With Halloween weekend upon us, I figured I should share a few of the horror movies that I hold dear. That way, you know exactly what to go pick up for your own horror-fests. These are only short reviews so you will know exactly what you are in for if you watch any of these.
- [While We Were Bored: Occupy Mister Roger's Neighborhood](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/12/bored-occupy-mister-ogers-neighborhood/) - While we may not have an owl mascot walking down Wall Street with a "Down with 1% Milk" sign just yet, we're willing to help jump the shark on Occupy Wall Street jokes with this nod to Mister Rogers and the Land of Make-Believe, made a reality.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 5](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/07/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-5/) - Week 5 is upon us, and Steve Elle is in the lead with our British correspondent right behind him, while Darby had his best week ever! See? anything can happen!
- [Ask An Owl: Pole Dancing Exercises](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/07/owl-pole-dancing-exercises/) - I was wondering how much of the newer, wide-spread pole dancing "exercising" classes were becoming so popular with moms. Are they really trying to lose weight, or are they trying to let out their inner slut, which they can't do as much being a mother. -Curious Nykki
- [Awkward Romantic Nerd Finds Awkward Romantic Nerd Movies Misleading](https://theineptowl.com/2010/08/11/awkward-romantic-nerd-movies-misleading/) - New York, NY: Trevor Sunderman has never been what one would call "a ladies man." He's 25 years old and lives in his parents' basement. He reads Batman graphic novels and watches horror movies. He plays World of Warcraft when not working at his freelance job as a graphic designer. He listens to Modest Mouse. All of this tese characteristics sound prime for an awkward romantic nerd movie, except that Trevor is still a virgin. So when Mr. Sunderman learned that Michael Cera would, once again, be starring in a romantic nerd-comedy, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, he became extremely annoyed.
- [David Fincher Set to Remake The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for Disney](https://theineptowl.com/2010/08/18/remake-girl-dragon-tattoo-disney/) - In an about face from many of his previous efforts, director David Fincher (Se7en, Fight Club, Zodiac) has signed on to remake the recent Norwegian hit The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo based on the book of the same name. The about face stems from Fincher teaming up with Disney to create a kinder, gentler heroine.
- [Steve Jobs Rebuilt](https://theineptowl.com/2009/06/24/steve-jobs-rebuilt/) - After undergoing a liver transplant this past April, Apple® Computers figurehead Steve Jobs was finally spotted in public this week, in seemingly good health: better in fact. During the software genius' disappearance from the public eye due to medical issues, the state of Apple® was as questionable as the possibility of Jobs ever walking the stage in a black turtle-neck again. iPhone resentment was at its peak. Bill Gates had begun running commercials that were were worse than the John Hodgman/Justin Long debates. Steve Wozniak joined a Segway polo team. Many religious groups had claimed the apocalypse was near.
- [Who's Next for K-Rod?](https://theineptowl.com/2010/08/12/krod/) - After allegedy punching out his father-in-law, New York Mets closer Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez has apparently gone on a fighting streak the likes of Russell Crowe. His latest victim: UFC legend Chuck Liddell!
- [Dog Saves Owner, Charged for Malpractice](https://theineptowl.com/2010/08/10/dog-saves-owner-charged-malpractice/) - Rockford, MI: A diabetic Michigan man with a love of liquor owes his life to his furry, four-legged friend. This past weekend, William “Bubba” Jones got snockered at a party celebrating his wife Juanita’s newly awarded U.S. citizenship. After one too many moonshine margaritas, Jones passed out in his favorite La-Z-Boy, only to wake up a couple hours later to find Kiko, his Jack Russell Terrier, licking his foot. Or—rather—what was left of his foot.
- [BP ROFLcopter Contest!](https://theineptowl.com/2010/07/24/bp-roflcopter-contest/) - In an effort to lay claim that they are doing everything possible to clean up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, oil titan British Petroleum had released a helicoptor picture which Gizmodo.com promptly flayed as a photoshopped disaster. Since then, there has been a mild flow of photoshop parodies. We even began ourselves. But why should we have all the fun? From now until August 1st, you can use this picture template to make your own BP helicopter situation! Email it to mail(at)theineptowl.com, and you could win a "Seriously? No." T-Shirt. We have about 10 of them as we clear out space, both physically and interwebbally. Winners will be voted on and announced on our new 2.0 website after it launches on August 1st.
- [Steven Tyler to Write Tell-All Memoirs](https://theineptowl.com/2010/07/25/steven-tyler-write-tellall-memoirs/) - Los Angeles, CA: For decades, rock god Steven Tyler has been known as the large-mouth bass that fronts the rock band Aerosmith. His newest career choice will take him down a different path, as he trades in a microphone for a feather pen in writing a tell-all memoir of his time with the band. “I spent a lot of time lying in bed recently,” said Tyler, who broke his hip after a fall at a concert at a nursing home in Sturgis, South Dakota in 2009. “It occurred to me that I had two options in how I spent my time: either I could catch up on episodes of the Gilmore Girls, or I could write a book. And since my grandson wasn’t around to program the DVD player, I went with the book.”
- [Bristol Palin to Wed Baby Daddy](https://theineptowl.com/2010/07/23/bristol-palin-wed-baby-daddy/) - Anchorage, AK: Usually when a young woman finally convinces a guy to put a ring on it, her parents are among the first to know. But not for the infamous “Abstinence-Only Sex Ed” failure Bristol Palin. Sarah Palin (the unofficial Mad Hatter of the Tea Party) learned of her daughter’s engagement the same way millions of Americans did—while standing in the checkout line of her local grocery store as she purchased beef jerky and Bud Light.
- [New Blackberry to Feature Unorthodox Tech](https://theineptowl.com/2010/08/03/blackberry-unorthodox-tech/) - Ontario, CANADA: At long last, the wait is over. After what seemed like years of techno-gossip, media leaks, and stock-trading roller-coasters, Research In Motion, the company behind Blackberry smartphones, has released semi-offical data about a new age of portable technology, starting with the Blackberry Slider, aka Blackberry 9800 bold, aka Blackberry Torch, aka Blackberry Loki(title/titles still pending). Fears of Blackberry being phased out to make room for the influx of iPhone and Android users was finally stifled, as RIM representative Nigel Greene unveiled the latest Blackberry smart phone, slated for release in September.
- [Andrews Lawsuits Replace 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon](https://theineptowl.com/2010/07/19/andrews-lawsuits-replace-6-degrees-kevin-bacon/) - Bristol, CT: In what seems to be her insatiable bloodlust for revenge in response to the shocking, life changing invasion of privacy (and increase in celebrity) she is still dealing with, Erin Andrews is suing yet another person in her latest frenzy of litigation. Andrews, marginal celebrity before these events, is suing Ken Bianchi, friend of the son of the cousin of Michael David Barrett, the man accused of illegally taping Ms. Andrews.
- [NFL Hall of Famers, Rookie Linked to Boy Band](https://theineptowl.com/2010/07/12/nfl-hall-famers-rookie-linked-boy-band/) - Los Angeles, CA: The National Football League was spun on its head this past weekend, as it was learned that two Hall of Fame players and a rookie engaged in obscene relationship behavior unfitting of a professional football player. The men in question formed a boy band. Officers on the scene were initially surprised as they caught Joe Montana, Deion Sanders and Colt McCoy singing "Candy Colored Clown" together in in an alley with possibly former quarterback Brett Favre. The group's self-proclaimed producer, Andy Dick, confirmed the allegations.
- [Florida Residents Unmoved by Northeast Heat Wave](https://theineptowl.com/2010/07/08/florida-residents-unmoved-northeast-heatwave/) - Tampa, FL: The record-breaking heat wave that is scorching much of the Northeast is likely to last through the weekend, according to weather forecasters. The heat wave, which has been moving steadily across the country for the last several days, has caused temperatures to soar past one hundred degrees from as far south as Virginia and as far north as Massachusetts. “So freaking what?” exclaimed Dennis Mahoney of Miami, Florida. “It’s often around one hundred degrees here in South Florida. You don’t see no news about that.”
- [Kick A Brit Week](https://theineptowl.com/2010/07/02/kick-brit-week/) - In a time when England is already feeling the highly anticipated embarrasment caused by its national Hairdressing, sorry, Soccer team, and suffering the brunt of President Obama's scathing attack on BP , it seems that it is third time unlucky, as once again the USA stomps its hefty foot on this small green Island. Barack Obama, not content with blaming the British for the oil spill off the coast of Florida, has now made additional verbal attacks on the UK Government for its Emergency Budget, designed to get the country back on its feet following the US (sorry, World) banking crisis.
- [Disgraced English Football Fans Return Home](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/29/disgraced-english-football-fans-return-home/) - With the eyes of the world upon them, with the hopes of the nation resting on their shoulders, and with over a hundred years of history and tradition to uphold, the first plane-load of returning English football fans landed at London's Heathrow airport today, under a black cloud of despair. Just as every Brit who followed the unfolding lackluster debacle from their favorite armchair, or pub, or car radio, will tell you, this is a day to drop our heads in abject shame at such a wasted opportunity. What we had all seen was a string of missed chances, a general disinterest in attacking the other sides, a lighthearted, almost 'holiday', mood to what could and surely should have been a defining moment on the world stage.
- [Are You There, God? It's Me, Twitter.](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/24/god-twitter/) - They may not be down with Darwin, supporters of stem cell research, or even aware of CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, but you can bet your Communion wafer that they’re tweeting on Twitter and updating their Facebook. In an attempt to “spread the word” and convert more sheep to their flocks, more and more churches across the U.S. are embracing the “look at me!” technology known to the masses as social networking. While they may not applaud many scientific advancements and are more apt to censor media than to applaud its freedom, most churches now have groups on Facebook, videos on YouTube, and their blog usage is starting to rival that of angsty teenagers everywhere.
- [Britney Spears' Former Bodyguard Sues for Sexual Harrassment](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/09/britney-spears-bodyguard-sues-sexual-harrassment/) - Fernando Flores, a former bodyguard of Britney Spears, is suing his ex-boss for sexual harrassment. The lawsuit, filed Wednesday, alleges that Ms. Spears exposed herself to Mr. Flores on numerous occasions. According to Mr. Flores, Ms. Spears even went so far as to say, "you know you liked it" on at least one of those occasions.
- [Corn Syrup or Corn Sugar? The Debate Rages On](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/15/corn-sugar-debate/) - The Corn Refiners Association, a group that apparently controls the production of high fructose corn syrup, an ingredient found in 99.9% of the food in the United States and one that is blamed for extreme obesity, have petitioned the federal government for permission to change the name of the key ingredient on food product labels. Their suggestion? Corn sugar.
- [BP Spreads Blame For Oil Spill](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/08/bp-spreads-blame-oil-spill/) - Washington, DC: British Petroleum, in its latest effort to direct the blame for the summer's tragic Gulf Oil disaster elsewhere, has published a report detailing the names of the companies, celebrities, and wildlife that it believes should shoulder some of the blame for the most destructive oil spill in U.S. history. The long awaited report stressed that "no single factor" contributed to the April 20th blowout that killed 11 workers, sank the Deepwater Horizon, and killed countless sea creatures.
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks: Week 1](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/09/nfl-powder-puff-picks-week-1/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to key games. Last year's Powder Puff King was Darby Shaw. Let's see if he can defend his crown!
- [My Life with Cable](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/08/life-cable/) - I would like to blame my long absence from The Owl on something exotic, like a pilgrimage to Tibet, a trip to Italy, or even some crippling illness, but it is due to something much more sinister... Cable television! Back in March, my dad decided to buy us a year of cable. I told him I wouldn't get a thing done if that were to happen, but he insisted (the service included phone and internet as well).
- [NFL Powder Puff Picks 2011: Week 4](https://theineptowl.com/2011/09/30/nfl-powder-puff-picks-2011-week-4/) - Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. Not much movement in the ranks of our analysts, but readers are all over the place, and beating our analysts! Congratulations.
- [People Reluctant to Support Fat Mess for Presidential Candidacy](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/04/conservatives-reluctant-support-fat-mess-christie-presidential-candidacy/) - Trenton, NJ: As the presidential hopefuls are beginning to take form in the Republican Party, one potential candidate has already become the elephant in the room. While it would seem that his supporters are promising that he is doing more than merely throwing his weight around, his candidacy bid has yet to be confirmed. That candidate is the governor of New Jersey, Chris Christie.
- [Review of "The Five Ghosts" by Stars](https://theineptowl.com/2010/07/21/review-ghosts-stars/) - I’m told that Stars is a band from Montreal, and that “The Five Ghosts” is their fifth album or whatever. But, seriously… Degrassi? REALLY? This is the source of the music I’m reviewing? Did the latest volume of “Now That’s What I Call Disney!” not come out yet? All mocking aside (Degrassi? DEGRASSI?), it’s an interesting album. Imagine if Joshua Radin and Ingrid Michaelson decided to make an album together, but decided that today’s music didn’t work for them. Pretend that they built a time machine—but one that could travel into the sitcom world—and went back to the Friends episode where Ross played his weird-ass electronic keyboard stuff. (Yes, I believe that was the name of the episode: “The One Where Ross Played His Weird-Ass Electronic Keyboard Stuff.” Seriously. DEGRASSI.)
- [Twilight Film Eclipse Claims First Victim](https://theineptowl.com/2010/07/07/twilight-film-eclipse-claims-victim/) - Wellington, New Zealand: With such horribly predictable plot lines and below-par acting, it was bound to happen eventually—Eclipse, the third film in the overrated Twilight saga, bored a movie-goer to death. Les Tateman, 23, was found slumped over in his soda-stained seat in a theater in Wellington, New Zealand, after one of the hundred thousand showings of Eclipse. Teenage workers were busy sweeping popcorn off the floor in between shows when they found him. “It happens all the time,” said Brad Helsing, 17. “People are always falling asleep during Twilight movies. We just nudge them awake with our brooms. We’re thinking about installing alarm clocks in the theaters.”
- [Cult of iPhone 4.0 Goes Public](https://theineptowl.com/2010/06/24/cult-iphone-40-public/) - The iPhone 4, also known as the Jesus Phone, was released today. In anticipation of this religious event, more than six hundred people with nothing better to do lined up outside of Apple’s flagship store in Manhattan in order to get their hands on the new device.
- [Unknown Tweeter Follows John Mayer's Lead](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/15/unknown-tweeter-john-mayers-lead/) - John Mayer, Phish-tour fanatic turned singer/songwriter, announced yesterday that he would be cancelling his Twitter account. The statement, which was only announced on Twitter and miraculously disappeared moments after the John Mayer account was closed, left his apparent 3.7 million fans in limbo. This is especially true for fans who had not logged into their Twitter account all day, a questionable, but apparently normal activity.
- [Homeless Politicians Continue to Campaign](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/08/homeless-politicians-continue-campaign/) - Phoenix, AZ: For the first time in decades, economic troubles have begun to effect what few believed would ever be touched: politicians. "I had to make a choice: cut into my private accounts and sell my Range Rover in order to campaign for the office of Comptroller, or perform disgusting stunts like eating roaches, and begging for change. I opted for the less painful choice," explained Mr. Heidicher after releasing his bowels on a park bench.
- [Men's Rights Lawyer Gets Panties In A Twist](https://theineptowl.com/2010/09/07/mens-rights-lawyer-panties-twist/) - New York, NY: While most young men may piss and moan about this unfairness for about two seconds before being distracted by a set of young knockers in a glittery tank top, “men’s rights” lawyer Ralph Ben Hokum thinks it’s downright unconstitutional. And so, he took the nightclubs to court. “For millennia, women have ruled the world,” stated Hokum. “They’ve run our households while men had to run our governments. They made dinner while men made our laws. They had tea while men headed up our churches. They birthed children while men managed our Fortune 500 companies. It’s downright unfair and it’s time to stop the oppression of men!”
- [NY Cat Burglar Arrested for Failure to Remain Sexy](https://theineptowl.com/2010/08/26/cat-burglar-failure-remain-sexy/) - New York, NY: The infamous New York "cat-burglar", who had only gained attention today after being caught, was brought into police custody today by officers in downtown Manhattan. "The real problem was that she was not in her tattered lace costume and cat mask," explained Officer Ryan Blaise. "If you commit a crime, but look sexy doing it, then I may be inclined to let you off with a warning. But Miss Spalding was not in the attire that expected her to be in. Instead of leather straps, lace, thigh-high boots, and a fluffy black cat mask, Miss Spalding was in a frumpy smock shirt and spandex pants. Not sexy at all."
- [Chuck Palahniuk Drafts Choke II in Honor of Red Sox](https://theineptowl.com/2011/10/03/chuck-palahniuk-drafts-choke-ii-honor-red-sox/) - Boston, MA: Author Chuck Palahniuk, noted for such books as Fight Club and Choke has turned to nonfiction for the first time. In December (just in time for the holidays), Scribner will be releasing Choke II – the Despicable True Story of the Boston Red Sox.

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## Tags

- [family guy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/family-guy/)
- [south park](https://theineptowl.com/tag/south-park/)
- [muhammad](https://theineptowl.com/tag/muhammad/)
- [feces](https://theineptowl.com/tag/feces/)
- [coprophilia](https://theineptowl.com/tag/coprophilia/)
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- [LOST](https://theineptowl.com/tag/lost/)
- [the island](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-island/)
- [smoke monster](https://theineptowl.com/tag/smoke-monster/)
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- [dick cheney](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dick-cheney/)
- [americaspeakingout.com](https://theineptowl.com/tag/americaspeakingout-com/)
- [ron paul](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ron-paul/)
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- [pedobear](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pedobear/)
- [phishing](https://theineptowl.com/tag/phishing/)
- [email scam](https://theineptowl.com/tag/email-scam/)
- [nigeria](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nigeria/)
- [white collar](https://theineptowl.com/tag/white-collar/)
- [office space](https://theineptowl.com/tag/office-space/)
- [abc](https://theineptowl.com/tag/abc/)
- [hurley](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hurley/)
- [dantes inferno](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dantes-inferno/)
- [stupid plots](https://theineptowl.com/tag/stupid-plots/)
- [cliffhanger](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cliffhanger/)
- [tv drama](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tv-drama/)
- [new years eve](https://theineptowl.com/tag/new-years-eve/)
- [ann landers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ann-landers/)
- [self help](https://theineptowl.com/tag/self-help/)
- [doctor ruth](https://theineptowl.com/tag/doctor-ruth/)
- [mailbag](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mailbag/)
- [voting](https://theineptowl.com/tag/voting/)
- [love](https://theineptowl.com/tag/love/)
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- [darius rucker](https://theineptowl.com/tag/darius-rucker/)
- [hootie and the blowfish](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hootie-and-the-blowfish/)
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- [man purse](https://theineptowl.com/tag/man-purse/)
- [fashion](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fashion/)
- [trendy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/trendy/)
- [christmas presents](https://theineptowl.com/tag/christmas-presents/)
- [the onion](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-onion/)
- [website wars](https://theineptowl.com/tag/website-wars/)
- [assholes](https://theineptowl.com/tag/assholes/)
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- [Tweedle-Dee](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tweedle-dee/)
- [Tweedle Dum](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tweedle-dum/)
- [Full House](https://theineptowl.com/tag/full-house/)
- [Bob Saget](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bob-saget/)
- [The Olsen Twins](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-olsen-twins/)
- [John Stamos](https://theineptowl.com/tag/john-stamos/)
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- [shaving](https://theineptowl.com/tag/shaving/)
- [pole dancing exercise](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pole-dancing-exercise/)
- [batman](https://theineptowl.com/tag/batman/)
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- [Ellen DeGeneres](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ellen-degeneres/)
- [Greyson Chance](https://theineptowl.com/tag/greyson-chance/)
- [American Idol](https://theineptowl.com/tag/american-idol/)
- [lesbians](https://theineptowl.com/tag/lesbians/)
- [jersey shore](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jersey-shore/)
- [yo tony](https://theineptowl.com/tag/yo-tony/)
- [tanning addiction](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tanning-addiction/)
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- [tony dungy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tony-dungy/)
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- [racism](https://theineptowl.com/tag/racism/)
- [self-surgery](https://theineptowl.com/tag/self-surgery/)
- [kickstart my heart](https://theineptowl.com/tag/kickstart-my-heart/)
- [heart attack](https://theineptowl.com/tag/heart-attack/)
- [Jerri Nielsen FitzGerald](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jerri-nielsen-fitzgerald/)
- [motley crue](https://theineptowl.com/tag/motley-crue/)
- [west virginia](https://theineptowl.com/tag/west-virginia/)
- [miners](https://theineptowl.com/tag/miners/)
- [gas leak](https://theineptowl.com/tag/gas-leak/)
- [flatulence](https://theineptowl.com/tag/flatulence/)
- [nicholas cage](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nicholas-cage/)
- [farting](https://theineptowl.com/tag/farting/)
- [christian peters](https://theineptowl.com/tag/christian-peters/)
- [travis henry](https://theineptowl.com/tag/travis-henry/)
- [chris henry](https://theineptowl.com/tag/chris-henry/)
- [russian prostitutes](https://theineptowl.com/tag/russian-prostitutes/)
- [baseball](https://theineptowl.com/tag/baseball/)
- [NHL NFL](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nhl-nfl/)
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- [angel dust](https://theineptowl.com/tag/angel-dust/)
- [pinnocchio](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pinnocchio/)
- [beagle pack](https://theineptowl.com/tag/beagle-pack/)
- [long island](https://theineptowl.com/tag/long-island/)
- [the hamptons](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-hamptons/)
- [wild dogs](https://theineptowl.com/tag/wild-dogs/)
- [airlines](https://theineptowl.com/tag/airlines/)
- [terrorism](https://theineptowl.com/tag/terrorism/)
- [body cavity search](https://theineptowl.com/tag/body-cavity-search/)
- [lego people](https://theineptowl.com/tag/lego-people/)
- [richard simmons](https://theineptowl.com/tag/richard-simmons/)
- [patrick swayze](https://theineptowl.com/tag/patrick-swayze/)
- [lisa niemi](https://theineptowl.com/tag/lisa-niemi/)
- [dirty dancing](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dirty-dancing/)
- [dead celebrities](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dead-celebrities/)
- [tiger woods](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tiger-woods/)
- [prince](https://theineptowl.com/tag/prince/)
- [name change](https://theineptowl.com/tag/name-change/)
- [baby momma](https://theineptowl.com/tag/baby-momma/)
- [dirty sex](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dirty-sex/)
- [PGA](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pga/)
- [iceland](https://theineptowl.com/tag/iceland/)
- [europe](https://theineptowl.com/tag/europe/)
- [nordic women](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nordic-women/)
- [joan rivers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/joan-rivers/)
- [botox](https://theineptowl.com/tag/botox/)
- [plastic surgery](https://theineptowl.com/tag/plastic-surgery/)
- [harvard](https://theineptowl.com/tag/harvard/)
- [espresso](https://theineptowl.com/tag/espresso/)
- [poisoning](https://theineptowl.com/tag/poisoning/)
- [oasis](https://theineptowl.com/tag/oasis/)
- [liam gallagher](https://theineptowl.com/tag/liam-gallagher/)
- [noel gallagher](https://theineptowl.com/tag/noel-gallagher/)
- [british rock](https://theineptowl.com/tag/british-rock/)
- [bigger than the beatles](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bigger-than-the-beatles/)
- [usta](https://theineptowl.com/tag/usta/)
- [twitter](https://theineptowl.com/tag/twitter/)
- [tennis players](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tennis-players/)
- [andy murray](https://theineptowl.com/tag/andy-murray/)
- [andy roddick](https://theineptowl.com/tag/andy-roddick/)
- [comic-con](https://theineptowl.com/tag/comic-con/)
- [celebrities](https://theineptowl.com/tag/celebrities/)
- [fanboys](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fanboys/)
- [star wars](https://theineptowl.com/tag/star-wars/)
- [manga](https://theineptowl.com/tag/manga/)
- [michael jackson](https://theineptowl.com/tag/michael-jackson/)
- [peter pan](https://theineptowl.com/tag/peter-pan/)
- [neverland ranch](https://theineptowl.com/tag/neverland-ranch/)
- [king of pop](https://theineptowl.com/tag/king-of-pop/)
- [scavenger hunt](https://theineptowl.com/tag/scavenger-hunt/)
- [woody allen](https://theineptowl.com/tag/woody-allen/)
- [american apparel](https://theineptowl.com/tag/american-apparel/)
- [billboards](https://theineptowl.com/tag/billboards/)
- [rabbi](https://theineptowl.com/tag/rabbi/)
- [model](https://theineptowl.com/tag/model/)
- [thomas beatie](https://theineptowl.com/tag/thomas-beatie/)
- [oprah](https://theineptowl.com/tag/oprah/)
- [pregnant man](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pregnant-man/)
- [fathers day](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fathers-day/)
- [nba](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nba/)
- [bruce springsteen](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bruce-springsteen/)
- [geriatric](https://theineptowl.com/tag/geriatric/)
- [super bowl XLIII](https://theineptowl.com/tag/super-bowl-xliii/)
- [halftime show](https://theineptowl.com/tag/halftime-show/)
- [mothers day](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mothers-day/)
- [arnold schwarzenegger](https://theineptowl.com/tag/arnold-schwarzenegger/)
- [danny devito](https://theineptowl.com/tag/danny-devito/)
- [miss usa](https://theineptowl.com/tag/miss-usa/)
- [perez hilton](https://theineptowl.com/tag/perez-hilton/)
- [gay marriage](https://theineptowl.com/tag/gay-marriage/)
- [iphone](https://theineptowl.com/tag/iphone/)
- [apple](https://theineptowl.com/tag/apple/)
- [steve jobs](https://theineptowl.com/tag/steve-jobs/)
- [copy and paste feature](https://theineptowl.com/tag/copy-and-paste-feature/)
- [3.0 OS](https://theineptowl.com/tag/3-0-os/)
- [technology](https://theineptowl.com/tag/technology/)
- [travis](https://theineptowl.com/tag/travis/)
- [chimp attack](https://theineptowl.com/tag/chimp-attack/)
- [britany spears](https://theineptowl.com/tag/britany-spears/)
- [peter gabriel](https://theineptowl.com/tag/peter-gabriel/)
- [wall-e](https://theineptowl.com/tag/wall-e/)
- [academy awards](https://theineptowl.com/tag/academy-awards/)
- [genesisi](https://theineptowl.com/tag/genesisi/)
- [kurt vonnegut](https://theineptowl.com/tag/kurt-vonnegut/)
- [dr. kevorkian](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dr-kevorkian/)
- [armageddon in retrospect](https://theineptowl.com/tag/armageddon-in-retrospect/)
- [unpublished writings](https://theineptowl.com/tag/unpublished-writings/)
- [the art book](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-art-book/)
- [friends](https://theineptowl.com/tag/friends/)
- [coffe table](https://theineptowl.com/tag/coffe-table/)
- [john connolly](https://theineptowl.com/tag/john-connolly/)
- [book of lost things](https://theineptowl.com/tag/book-of-lost-things/)
- [satirical writings](https://theineptowl.com/tag/satirical-writings/)
- [laurie notaro](https://theineptowl.com/tag/laurie-notaro/)
- [cynthia ceilan](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cynthia-ceilan/)
- [weird deaths](https://theineptowl.com/tag/weird-deaths/)
- [girl books](https://theineptowl.com/tag/girl-books/)
- [jonathan barnes](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jonathan-barnes/)
- [the somnambulist](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-somnambulist/)
- [BP](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bp/)
- [gulf of mexico](https://theineptowl.com/tag/gulf-of-mexico/)
- [blame the british](https://theineptowl.com/tag/blame-the-british/)
- [european economy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/european-economy/)
- [john oliver](https://theineptowl.com/tag/john-oliver/)
- [david cameron](https://theineptowl.com/tag/david-cameron/)
- [world cup](https://theineptowl.com/tag/world-cup/)
- [british team](https://theineptowl.com/tag/british-team/)
- [soccer hooligans](https://theineptowl.com/tag/soccer-hooligans/)
- [fifa](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fifa/)
- [iphone 4.0](https://theineptowl.com/tag/iphone-4-0/)
- [smart phone](https://theineptowl.com/tag/smart-phone/)
- [crap](https://theineptowl.com/tag/crap/)
- [vuvuzela](https://theineptowl.com/tag/vuvuzela/)
- [annoying sounds](https://theineptowl.com/tag/annoying-sounds/)
- [bees](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bees/)
- [south africa](https://theineptowl.com/tag/south-africa/)
- [indie](https://theineptowl.com/tag/indie/)
- [folk rock](https://theineptowl.com/tag/folk-rock/)
- [northstar session](https://theineptowl.com/tag/northstar-session/)
- [darth vader](https://theineptowl.com/tag/darth-vader/)
- [depression](https://theineptowl.com/tag/depression/)
- [psychiatrist](https://theineptowl.com/tag/psychiatrist/)
- [shark week](https://theineptowl.com/tag/shark-week/)
- [attack](https://theineptowl.com/tag/attack/)
- [jaws](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jaws/)
- [florida](https://theineptowl.com/tag/florida/)
- [key west](https://theineptowl.com/tag/key-west/)
- [discovery channel](https://theineptowl.com/tag/discovery-channel/)
- [england](https://theineptowl.com/tag/england/)
- [british](https://theineptowl.com/tag/british/)
- [soccer](https://theineptowl.com/tag/soccer/)
- [twilight](https://theineptowl.com/tag/twilight/)
- [edward](https://theineptowl.com/tag/edward/)
- [bella](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bella/)
- [jacob](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jacob/)
- [trendy names](https://theineptowl.com/tag/trendy-names/)
- [social networking](https://theineptowl.com/tag/social-networking/)
- [religion](https://theineptowl.com/tag/religion/)
- [online preachers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/online-preachers/)
- [rap](https://theineptowl.com/tag/rap/)
- [miley cyrus](https://theineptowl.com/tag/miley-cyrus/)
- [hannah montana](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hannah-montana/)
- [pole dancing](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pole-dancing/)
- [pedophile](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pedophile/)
- [oil spill](https://theineptowl.com/tag/oil-spill/)
- [ocean therapy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ocean-therapy/)
- [crazy celebrities](https://theineptowl.com/tag/crazy-celebrities/)
- [fallout](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fallout/)
- [video game](https://theineptowl.com/tag/video-game/)
- [apocalypse](https://theineptowl.com/tag/apocalypse/)
- [nuclear winter](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nuclear-winter/)
- [end of the world](https://theineptowl.com/tag/end-of-the-world/)
- [homes](https://theineptowl.com/tag/homes/)
- [real estate](https://theineptowl.com/tag/real-estate/)
- [english](https://theineptowl.com/tag/english/)
- [tony blair](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tony-blair/)
- [parliament](https://theineptowl.com/tag/parliament/)
- [ben roethlisberger](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ben-roethlisberger/)
- [pittsburgh steelers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pittsburgh-steelers/)
- [sexual misconduct](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sexual-misconduct/)
- [football](https://theineptowl.com/tag/football/)
- [drunk](https://theineptowl.com/tag/drunk/)
- [employment](https://theineptowl.com/tag/employment/)
- [annoyances](https://theineptowl.com/tag/annoyances/)
- [adoption](https://theineptowl.com/tag/adoption/)
- [russian](https://theineptowl.com/tag/russian/)
- [bart simpson](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bart-simpson/)
- [mail order](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mail-order/)
- [return](https://theineptowl.com/tag/return/)
- [problem child](https://theineptowl.com/tag/problem-child/)
- [iron man 2](https://theineptowl.com/tag/iron-man-2/)
- [thor](https://theineptowl.com/tag/thor/)
- [avengers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/avengers/)
- [samuel l. jackson](https://theineptowl.com/tag/samuel-l-jackson/)
- [robert downey jr](https://theineptowl.com/tag/robert-downey-jr/)
- [tony stark](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tony-stark/)
- [war machine](https://theineptowl.com/tag/war-machine/)
- [dixie chicks](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dixie-chicks/)
- [court yard hounds](https://theineptowl.com/tag/court-yard-hounds/)
- [lilith fair](https://theineptowl.com/tag/lilith-fair/)
- [indie rock](https://theineptowl.com/tag/indie-rock/)
- [king kong](https://theineptowl.com/tag/king-kong/)
- [new york monsters](https://theineptowl.com/tag/new-york-monsters/)
- [ghostbusters](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ghostbusters/)
- [stay puft marshmallow man](https://theineptowl.com/tag/stay-puft-marshmallow-man/)
- [legal](https://theineptowl.com/tag/legal/)
- [church porn](https://theineptowl.com/tag/church-porn/)
- [help groups](https://theineptowl.com/tag/help-groups/)
- [christians](https://theineptowl.com/tag/christians/)
- [pre-marital sex](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pre-marital-sex/)
- [pray the gay away](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pray-the-gay-away/)
- [names of the generation](https://theineptowl.com/tag/names-of-the-generation/)
- [cody](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cody/)
- [colt](https://theineptowl.com/tag/colt/)
- [violent cats](https://theineptowl.com/tag/violent-cats/)
- [fat women eat men](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fat-women-eat-men/)
- [godfrey](https://theineptowl.com/tag/godfrey/)
- [st. vincent's hospital](https://theineptowl.com/tag/st-vincents-hospital/)
- [construction goof](https://theineptowl.com/tag/construction-goof/)
- [boy scouts](https://theineptowl.com/tag/boy-scouts/)
- [video game badge](https://theineptowl.com/tag/video-game-badge/)
- [censored episode](https://theineptowl.com/tag/censored-episode/)
- [bear costume](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bear-costume/)
- [trey parker](https://theineptowl.com/tag/trey-parker/)
- [matt stone](https://theineptowl.com/tag/matt-stone/)
- [muslims](https://theineptowl.com/tag/muslims/)
- [jihad](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jihad/)
- [lloyd kaufman](https://theineptowl.com/tag/lloyd-kaufman/)
- [troma](https://theineptowl.com/tag/troma/)
- [independent film](https://theineptowl.com/tag/independent-film/)
- [tromadance](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tromadance/)
- [IFTA](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ifta/)
- [Net Neutrality](https://theineptowl.com/tag/net-neutrality/)
- [toxic avenger remake](https://theineptowl.com/tag/toxic-avenger-remake/)
- [charlotte kaufman](https://theineptowl.com/tag/charlotte-kaufman/)
- [poultrygeist](https://theineptowl.com/tag/poultrygeist/)
- [toxie](https://theineptowl.com/tag/toxie/)
- [volcano](https://theineptowl.com/tag/volcano/)
- [airline](https://theineptowl.com/tag/airline/)
- [delays](https://theineptowl.com/tag/delays/)
- [eclipse](https://theineptowl.com/tag/eclipse/)
- [glittery vampires](https://theineptowl.com/tag/glittery-vampires/)
- [bored to death](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bored-to-death/)
- [heatwave](https://theineptowl.com/tag/heatwave/)
- [northeast](https://theineptowl.com/tag/northeast/)
- [summer](https://theineptowl.com/tag/summer/)
- [sweaty fat people](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sweaty-fat-people/)
- [colt mccoy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/colt-mccoy/)
- [joe montana](https://theineptowl.com/tag/joe-montana/)
- [andy dick](https://theineptowl.com/tag/andy-dick/)
- [brett favre](https://theineptowl.com/tag/brett-favre/)
- [deion sanders](https://theineptowl.com/tag/deion-sanders/)
- [boy bands](https://theineptowl.com/tag/boy-bands/)
- [nsync](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nsync/)
- [george steinbrenner](https://theineptowl.com/tag/george-steinbrenner/)
- [new york yankees](https://theineptowl.com/tag/new-york-yankees/)
- [the boss](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-boss/)
- [staff](https://theineptowl.com/tag/staff/)
- [lady gaga](https://theineptowl.com/tag/lady-gaga/)
- [pop star](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pop-star/)
- [gay](https://theineptowl.com/tag/gay/)
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- [tranny](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tranny/)
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- [marriage proposal](https://theineptowl.com/tag/marriage-proposal/)
- [engaged](https://theineptowl.com/tag/engaged/)
- [pots](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pots/)
- [old school](https://theineptowl.com/tag/old-school/)
- [9/11](https://theineptowl.com/tag/911/)
- [terror](https://theineptowl.com/tag/terror/)
- [new york](https://theineptowl.com/tag/new-york/)
- [central park attack](https://theineptowl.com/tag/central-park-attack/)
- [toy plane](https://theineptowl.com/tag/toy-plane/)
- [britney spears](https://theineptowl.com/tag/britney-spears/)
- [bald](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bald/)
- [incredible hulk](https://theineptowl.com/tag/incredible-hulk/)
- [crazy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/crazy/)
- [oops i did it again](https://theineptowl.com/tag/oops-i-did-it-again/)
- [chris burke](https://theineptowl.com/tag/chris-burke/)
- [corky](https://theineptowl.com/tag/corky/)
- [life goes on](https://theineptowl.com/tag/life-goes-on/)
- [down syndrome](https://theineptowl.com/tag/down-syndrome/)
- [hall of fame](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hall-of-fame/)
- [kevorkian](https://theineptowl.com/tag/kevorkian/)
- [dead author](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dead-author/)
- [alberto gonzales](https://theineptowl.com/tag/alberto-gonzales/)
- [mel gibson](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mel-gibson/)
- [i don't know](https://theineptowl.com/tag/i-dont-know/)
- [attorney general](https://theineptowl.com/tag/attorney-general/)
- [nelly furtado](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nelly-furtado/)
- [loose](https://theineptowl.com/tag/loose/)
- [canadian music](https://theineptowl.com/tag/canadian-music/)
- [grindhouse](https://theineptowl.com/tag/grindhouse/)
- [death proof](https://theineptowl.com/tag/death-proof/)
- [planet terror](https://theineptowl.com/tag/planet-terror/)
- [machete](https://theineptowl.com/tag/machete/)
- [thanksgiving movie](https://theineptowl.com/tag/thanksgiving-movie/)
- [police](https://theineptowl.com/tag/police/)
- [segway](https://theineptowl.com/tag/segway/)
- [patrol](https://theineptowl.com/tag/patrol/)
- [stupid](https://theineptowl.com/tag/stupid/)
- [gyroscope](https://theineptowl.com/tag/gyroscope/)
- [meter maid](https://theineptowl.com/tag/meter-maid/)
- [hawaii](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hawaii/)
- [cushman](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cushman/)
- [kamuela vance](https://theineptowl.com/tag/kamuela-vance/)
- [pirates of the caribbean](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pirates-of-the-caribbean/)
- [johnny depp](https://theineptowl.com/tag/johnny-depp/)
- [rye silverman](https://theineptowl.com/tag/rye-silverman/)
- [maroon 5](https://theineptowl.com/tag/maroon-5/)
- [juiceman](https://theineptowl.com/tag/juiceman/)
- [songs about jane](https://theineptowl.com/tag/songs-about-jane/)
- [george bush](https://theineptowl.com/tag/george-bush/)
- [napolean](https://theineptowl.com/tag/napolean/)
- [oval office](https://theineptowl.com/tag/oval-office/)
- [girl scout cookies](https://theineptowl.com/tag/girl-scout-cookies/)
- [28 weeks later](https://theineptowl.com/tag/28-weeks-later/)
- [zombie movies](https://theineptowl.com/tag/zombie-movies/)
- [pandemic](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pandemic/)
- [children of men](https://theineptowl.com/tag/children-of-men/)
- [clive owen](https://theineptowl.com/tag/clive-owen/)
- [brave new world](https://theineptowl.com/tag/brave-new-world/)
- [hostel 2](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hostel-2/)
- [eli roth](https://theineptowl.com/tag/eli-roth/)
- [horror](https://theineptowl.com/tag/horror/)
- [S&M](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sm/)
- [tea party](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tea-party/)
- [ed brown](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ed-brown/)
- [tax evasion](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tax-evasion/)
- [ozzy osbourne](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ozzy-osbourne/)
- [black rain](https://theineptowl.com/tag/black-rain/)
- [heavy metal](https://theineptowl.com/tag/heavy-metal/)
- [fantastic four](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fantastic-four/)
- [silver surfer](https://theineptowl.com/tag/silver-surfer/)
- [marvel movies](https://theineptowl.com/tag/marvel-movies/)
- [galactus](https://theineptowl.com/tag/galactus/)
- [john cusack](https://theineptowl.com/tag/john-cusack/)
- [1408](https://theineptowl.com/tag/1408/)
- [stephen king](https://theineptowl.com/tag/stephen-king/)
- [g8 summit](https://theineptowl.com/tag/g8-summit/)
- [moon](https://theineptowl.com/tag/moon/)
- [environment](https://theineptowl.com/tag/environment/)
- [green peace](https://theineptowl.com/tag/green-peace/)
- [concert](https://theineptowl.com/tag/concert/)
- [erin andrews](https://theineptowl.com/tag/erin-andrews/)
- [playboy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/playboy/)
- [peeping tom](https://theineptowl.com/tag/peeping-tom/)
- [video](https://theineptowl.com/tag/video/)
- [espn](https://theineptowl.com/tag/espn/)
- [sportscaster](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sportscaster/)
- [6 degrees of kevin bacon](https://theineptowl.com/tag/6-degrees-of-kevin-bacon/)
- [stars](https://theineptowl.com/tag/stars/)
- [five ghosts](https://theineptowl.com/tag/five-ghosts/)
- [pop](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pop/)
- [degrassi](https://theineptowl.com/tag/degrassi/)
- [grey's anatomy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/greys-anatomy/)
- [ross plays keyboard](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ross-plays-keyboard/)
- [bristol palin](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bristol-palin/)
- [alaska](https://theineptowl.com/tag/alaska/)
- [sarah palin](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sarah-palin/)
- [celibacy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/celibacy/)
- [baby daddy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/baby-daddy/)
- [baby mama](https://theineptowl.com/tag/baby-mama/)
- [steven tyler](https://theineptowl.com/tag/steven-tyler/)
- [joe perry](https://theineptowl.com/tag/joe-perry/)
- [aerosmith](https://theineptowl.com/tag/aerosmith/)
- [liv tyler](https://theineptowl.com/tag/liv-tyler/)
- [alicia silverstone](https://theineptowl.com/tag/alicia-silverstone/)
- [memoirs](https://theineptowl.com/tag/memoirs/)
- [walker](https://theineptowl.com/tag/walker/)
- [old rockers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/old-rockers/)
- [blackberry slider](https://theineptowl.com/tag/blackberry-slider/)
- [torch](https://theineptowl.com/tag/torch/)
- [9800](https://theineptowl.com/tag/9800/)
- [blackpad](https://theineptowl.com/tag/blackpad/)
- [ipad](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ipad/)
- [droid](https://theineptowl.com/tag/droid/)
- [google](https://theineptowl.com/tag/google/)
- [romantic nerd movies](https://theineptowl.com/tag/romantic-nerd-movies/)
- [michael cera](https://theineptowl.com/tag/michael-cera/)
- [jesse eisenberg](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jesse-eisenberg/)
- [scott pilgrim](https://theineptowl.com/tag/scott-pilgrim/)
- [better off dead](https://theineptowl.com/tag/better-off-dead/)
- [revenge of the nerds](https://theineptowl.com/tag/revenge-of-the-nerds/)
- [rom-com](https://theineptowl.com/tag/rom-com/)
- [ny mets](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ny-mets/)
- [k-rod](https://theineptowl.com/tag/k-rod/)
- [fighting](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fighting/)
- [closer](https://theineptowl.com/tag/closer/)
- [UFC](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ufc/)
- [MMA](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mma/)
- [rocky balboa](https://theineptowl.com/tag/rocky-balboa/)
- [sylvester stallone](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sylvester-stallone/)
- [pauly d](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pauly-d/)
- [tito ortiz](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tito-ortiz/)
- [jessica simpson](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jessica-simpson/)
- [wife beater](https://theineptowl.com/tag/wife-beater/)
- [the girl with the dragon tattoo](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-girl-with-the-dragon-tattoo/)
- [remake](https://theineptowl.com/tag/remake/)
- [disney](https://theineptowl.com/tag/disney/)
- [david fincher](https://theineptowl.com/tag/david-fincher/)
- [gorund zero mosque](https://theineptowl.com/tag/gorund-zero-mosque/)
- [world trade center](https://theineptowl.com/tag/world-trade-center/)
- [freedom of religion](https://theineptowl.com/tag/freedom-of-religion/)
- [donuts](https://theineptowl.com/tag/donuts/)
- [krispy kreme](https://theineptowl.com/tag/krispy-kreme/)
- [hulk hogan](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hulk-hogan/)
- [conspiracy theory](https://theineptowl.com/tag/conspiracy-theory/)
- [tinfoil hats.](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tinfoil-hats/)
- [obama](https://theineptowl.com/tag/obama/)
- [congress](https://theineptowl.com/tag/congress/)
- [vacation](https://theineptowl.com/tag/vacation/)
- [boehner](https://theineptowl.com/tag/boehner/)
- [bush](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bush/)
- [cheney](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cheney/)
- [heman](https://theineptowl.com/tag/heman/)
- [masters of the universe](https://theineptowl.com/tag/masters-of-the-universe/)
- [skeletor](https://theineptowl.com/tag/skeletor/)
- [orko](https://theineptowl.com/tag/orko/)
- [horrible horoscopes](https://theineptowl.com/tag/horrible-horoscopes-2/)
- [astrology](https://theineptowl.com/tag/astrology/)
- [idiots](https://theineptowl.com/tag/idiots/)
- [Dr. Phil](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dr-phil/)
- [claymation](https://theineptowl.com/tag/claymation/)
- [shanna spalding](https://theineptowl.com/tag/shanna-spalding/)
- [cat burglar](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cat-burglar/)
- [cat woman](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cat-woman/)
- [halle berry](https://theineptowl.com/tag/halle-berry/)
- [michelle pfeiffer](https://theineptowl.com/tag/michelle-pfeiffer/)
- [death metal](https://theineptowl.com/tag/death-metal/)
- [sexy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sexy/)
- [darrelle revis](https://theineptowl.com/tag/darrelle-revis/)
- [new york jets](https://theineptowl.com/tag/new-york-jets/)
- [rex ryan](https://theineptowl.com/tag/rex-ryan/)
- [night clubs](https://theineptowl.com/tag/night-clubs/)
- [ladies night](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ladies-night/)
- [men's rights](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mens-rights/)
- [horoscopes](https://theineptowl.com/tag/horoscopes/)
- [psychics](https://theineptowl.com/tag/psychics/)
- [contest](https://theineptowl.com/tag/contest/)
- [television](https://theineptowl.com/tag/television/)
- [optimum online](https://theineptowl.com/tag/optimum-online/)
- [shake weight](https://theineptowl.com/tag/shake-weight/)
- [cable](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cable/)
- [verizon](https://theineptowl.com/tag/verizon/)
- [sham campaign](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sham-campaign/)
- [arizona](https://theineptowl.com/tag/arizona/)
- [campaign](https://theineptowl.com/tag/campaign/)
- [candidates](https://theineptowl.com/tag/candidates/)
- [homeless](https://theineptowl.com/tag/homeless/)
- [gambling](https://theineptowl.com/tag/gambling/)
- [picks](https://theineptowl.com/tag/picks/)
- [vegas](https://theineptowl.com/tag/vegas/)
- [bodyguard](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bodyguard/)
- [sexual harrassment](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sexual-harrassment/)
- [tom brady](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tom-brady/)
- [bill belichick](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bill-belichick/)
- [meaning of life](https://theineptowl.com/tag/meaning-of-life/)
- [john mayer](https://theineptowl.com/tag/john-mayer/)
- [andrew mccarthy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/andrew-mccarthy/)
- [solidarity](https://theineptowl.com/tag/solidarity/)
- [hashtag](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hashtag/)
- [tweets](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tweets/)
- [corn syrup](https://theineptowl.com/tag/corn-syrup/)
- [farmers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/farmers/)
- [health](https://theineptowl.com/tag/health/)
- [drunken brit](https://theineptowl.com/tag/drunken-brit/)
- [email](https://theineptowl.com/tag/email/)
- [what did i do last night](https://theineptowl.com/tag/what-did-i-do-last-night/)
- [national security](https://theineptowl.com/tag/national-security/)
- [betting](https://theineptowl.com/tag/betting/)
- [astronomy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/astronomy/)
- [cults](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cults/)
- [creepy old men](https://theineptowl.com/tag/creepy-old-men/)
- [the pope](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-pope/)
- [mr. t](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mr-t/)
- [ba baracus](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ba-baracus/)
- [the a team](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-a-team/)
- [mortal kombat](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mortal-kombat/)
- [athletes](https://theineptowl.com/tag/athletes/)
- [nerds](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nerds/)
- [freaks and geeks](https://theineptowl.com/tag/freaks-and-geeks/)
- [popularity](https://theineptowl.com/tag/popularity/)
- [superbad](https://theineptowl.com/tag/superbad/)
- [suburban condition](https://theineptowl.com/tag/suburban-condition/)
- [sketch comedy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sketch-comedy/)
- [moustache](https://theineptowl.com/tag/moustache/)
- [anti-drug commercial](https://theineptowl.com/tag/anti-drug-commercial/)
- [sam elliott](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sam-elliott/)
- [sarah mclachlan](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sarah-mclachlan/)
- [aspca](https://theineptowl.com/tag/aspca/)
- [pet rock](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pet-rock/)
- [commercial](https://theineptowl.com/tag/commercial/)
- [parody](https://theineptowl.com/tag/parody/)
- [fantasy football](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fantasy-football/)
- [commentary](https://theineptowl.com/tag/commentary/)
- [the social network](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-social-network/)
- [key to the city](https://theineptowl.com/tag/key-to-the-city/)
- [dee snider](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dee-snider/)
- [billy joel](https://theineptowl.com/tag/billy-joel/)
- [plagiarism](https://theineptowl.com/tag/plagiarism/)
- [the oscial network](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-oscial-network/)
- [myspace](https://theineptowl.com/tag/myspace/)
- [imdb](https://theineptowl.com/tag/imdb/)
- [movies about websites](https://theineptowl.com/tag/movies-about-websites/)
- [texas](https://theineptowl.com/tag/texas/)
- [textbooks](https://theineptowl.com/tag/textbooks/)
- [book burning](https://theineptowl.com/tag/book-burning/)
- [conservatives](https://theineptowl.com/tag/conservatives/)
- [spaceballs](https://theineptowl.com/tag/spaceballs/)
- [eli manning](https://theineptowl.com/tag/eli-manning/)
- [new york mets](https://theineptowl.com/tag/new-york-mets/)
- [new york giants](https://theineptowl.com/tag/new-york-giants/)
- [new york city](https://theineptowl.com/tag/new-york-city/)
- [MTA](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mta/)
- [taxes](https://theineptowl.com/tag/taxes/)
- [segway safety](https://theineptowl.com/tag/segway-safety/)
- [jim heselden](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jim-heselden/)
- [death on a segway](https://theineptowl.com/tag/death-on-a-segway/)
- [avon walk for breast cancer](https://theineptowl.com/tag/avon-walk-for-breast-cancer/)
- [christina applegate](https://theineptowl.com/tag/christina-applegate/)
- [bloondhound gang](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bloondhound-gang/)
- [hooray for boobies](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hooray-for-boobies/)
- [jay cutler](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jay-cutler/)
- [chicago bears](https://theineptowl.com/tag/chicago-bears/)
- [sacks](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sacks/)
- [reparations](https://theineptowl.com/tag/reparations/)
- [germany](https://theineptowl.com/tag/germany/)
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- [FCC](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fcc/)
- [regulations](https://theineptowl.com/tag/regulations/)
- [free internet](https://theineptowl.com/tag/free-internet/)
- [porn](https://theineptowl.com/tag/porn/)
- [what's your sign](https://theineptowl.com/tag/whats-your-sign/)
- [cha-ching](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cha-ching/)
- [professional gamblers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/professional-gamblers/)
- [santa's sleigh](https://theineptowl.com/tag/santas-sleigh/)
- [reindeer](https://theineptowl.com/tag/reindeer/)
- [hunting](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hunting/)
- [ruining christmas](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ruining-christmas/)
- [ny jets](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ny-jets/)
- [foot fetish](https://theineptowl.com/tag/foot-fetish/)
- [sports analysis](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sports-analysis/)
- [carl pavano](https://theineptowl.com/tag/carl-pavano/)
- [jamie moyer](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jamie-moyer/)
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- [apocalypse now](https://theineptowl.com/tag/apocalypse-now/)
- [the rapture](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-rapture/)
- [May 2011](https://theineptowl.com/tag/may-2011/)
- [harry camping](https://theineptowl.com/tag/harry-camping/)
- [new years resolutions](https://theineptowl.com/tag/new-years-resolutions/)
- [mila kunis](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mila-kunis/)
- [single](https://theineptowl.com/tag/single/)
- [macaulay culkin](https://theineptowl.com/tag/macaulay-culkin/)
- [people's choice awards](https://theineptowl.com/tag/peoples-choice-awards/)
- [red carpet](https://theineptowl.com/tag/red-carpet/)
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- [james van der beek](https://theineptowl.com/tag/james-van-der-beek/)
- [dawson's creek](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dawsons-creek/)
- [infinite loops](https://theineptowl.com/tag/infinite-loops/)
- [metaphysics](https://theineptowl.com/tag/metaphysics/)
- [hepatitis](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hepatitis/)
- [church](https://theineptowl.com/tag/church/)
- [body of christ](https://theineptowl.com/tag/body-of-christ/)
- [engagement](https://theineptowl.com/tag/engagement/)
- [ashley harlan](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ashley-harlan/)
- [shotgun wedding](https://theineptowl.com/tag/shotgun-wedding/)
- [playoffs 2011](https://theineptowl.com/tag/playoffs-2011/)
- [new year](https://theineptowl.com/tag/new-year/)
- [tanorexia](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tanorexia/)
- [tanning](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tanning/)
- [syracuse orangemen](https://theineptowl.com/tag/syracuse-orangemen/)
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- [super bowl XLV](https://theineptowl.com/tag/super-bowl-xlv/)
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- [pete carroll](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pete-carroll/)
- [USC](https://theineptowl.com/tag/usc/)
- [mark sanchez](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mark-sanchez/)
- [man-love](https://theineptowl.com/tag/man-love/)
- [wikileaks](https://theineptowl.com/tag/wikileaks/)
- [julian assange](https://theineptowl.com/tag/julian-assange/)
- [sweden](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sweden/)
- [political intrigue](https://theineptowl.com/tag/political-intrigue/)
- [conspiracy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/conspiracy/)
- [tin foil](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tin-foil/)
- [divisional playoffs](https://theineptowl.com/tag/divisional-playoffs/)
- [sports picks](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sports-picks/)
- [sports commentary](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sports-commentary/)
- [movie reviews](https://theineptowl.com/tag/movie-reviews-2/)
- [indie film](https://theineptowl.com/tag/indie-film/)
- [sundance](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sundance/)
- [artsy flicks](https://theineptowl.com/tag/artsy-flicks/)
- [crazy fans](https://theineptowl.com/tag/crazy-fans/)
- [gabrielle giffords](https://theineptowl.com/tag/gabrielle-giffords/)
- [congresswoman shot](https://theineptowl.com/tag/congresswoman-shot/)
- [back rubs](https://theineptowl.com/tag/back-rubs/)
- [chivalry](https://theineptowl.com/tag/chivalry/)
- [fantast football](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fantast-football/)
- [nfc championship](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nfc-championship/)
- [afc championship](https://theineptowl.com/tag/afc-championship/)
- [green bay packers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/green-bay-packers/)
- [teen mom](https://theineptowl.com/tag/teen-mom/)
- [16 and pregnant](https://theineptowl.com/tag/16-and-pregnant/)
- [mtv](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mtv/)
- [memphis](https://theineptowl.com/tag/memphis/)
- [high school](https://theineptowl.com/tag/high-school/)
- [idiots with hormones](https://theineptowl.com/tag/idiots-with-hormones/)
- [lindsay lohan](https://theineptowl.com/tag/lindsay-lohan/)
- [what the hell do i do](https://theineptowl.com/tag/what-the-hell-do-i-do/)
- [pro bowl](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pro-bowl/)
- [healthy eating](https://theineptowl.com/tag/healthy-eating/)
- [breakfast](https://theineptowl.com/tag/breakfast/)
- [fatties](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fatties/)
- [vodka eye](https://theineptowl.com/tag/vodka-eye/)
- [red eye](https://theineptowl.com/tag/red-eye/)
- [kids sure are stupid](https://theineptowl.com/tag/kids-sure-are-stupid/)
- [causes of blindness](https://theineptowl.com/tag/causes-of-blindness/)
- [darwin awards](https://theineptowl.com/tag/darwin-awards/)
- [the stars](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-stars/)
- [zodiac](https://theineptowl.com/tag/zodiac/)
- [groundhog day](https://theineptowl.com/tag/groundhog-day/)
- [winter](https://theineptowl.com/tag/winter/)
- [pennsylvania](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pennsylvania/)
- [punxsutawney phil](https://theineptowl.com/tag/punxsutawney-phil/)
- [protein](https://theineptowl.com/tag/protein/)
- [game analysis](https://theineptowl.com/tag/game-analysis/)
- [hines ward](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hines-ward/)
- [mike tomlin](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mike-tomlin/)
- [smiling](https://theineptowl.com/tag/smiling/)
- [huffington post](https://theineptowl.com/tag/huffington-post/)
- [internet sales](https://theineptowl.com/tag/internet-sales/)
- [it's our turn](https://theineptowl.com/tag/its-our-turn/)
- [internet advertising](https://theineptowl.com/tag/internet-advertising/)
- [america online](https://theineptowl.com/tag/america-online/)
- [review](https://theineptowl.com/tag/review/)
- [deftones](https://theineptowl.com/tag/deftones/)
- [diamond eyes](https://theineptowl.com/tag/diamond-eyes/)
- [geezers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/geezers/)
- [noise pollution](https://theineptowl.com/tag/noise-pollution/)
- [the x files](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-x-files/)
- [john edward](https://theineptowl.com/tag/john-edward/)
- [christians sure are crazy](https://theineptowl.com/tag/christians-sure-are-crazy/)
- [robots](https://theineptowl.com/tag/robots/)
- [egg](https://theineptowl.com/tag/egg/)
- [2011 grammy awards](https://theineptowl.com/tag/2011-grammy-awards/)
- [born this way](https://theineptowl.com/tag/born-this-way/)
- [marilyn manson](https://theineptowl.com/tag/marilyn-manson/)
- [know it all](https://theineptowl.com/tag/know-it-all/)
- [penny for your thoughts](https://theineptowl.com/tag/penny-for-your-thoughts/)
- [obnoxiousness](https://theineptowl.com/tag/obnoxiousness/)
- [retire already](https://theineptowl.com/tag/retire-already/)
- [alabama](https://theineptowl.com/tag/alabama/)
- [laziness](https://theineptowl.com/tag/laziness/)
- [obesity](https://theineptowl.com/tag/obesity/)
- [fat-ass](https://theineptowl.com/tag/fat-ass/)
- [blake griffin](https://theineptowl.com/tag/blake-griffin/)
- [los angeles clippers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/los-angeles-clippers/)
- [slam dunk contest](https://theineptowl.com/tag/slam-dunk-contest/)
- [play of the day](https://theineptowl.com/tag/play-of-the-day/)
- [last place](https://theineptowl.com/tag/last-place/)
- [oscars](https://theineptowl.com/tag/oscars/)
- [movies](https://theineptowl.com/tag/movies/)
- [federal stance](https://theineptowl.com/tag/federal-stance/)
- [seinfeld](https://theineptowl.com/tag/seinfeld/)
- [marry your cat](https://theineptowl.com/tag/marry-your-cat/)
- [wal-mart](https://theineptowl.com/tag/wal-mart/)
- [minimum wage](https://theineptowl.com/tag/minimum-wage/)
- [hipsters](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hipsters/)
- [cutters](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cutters/)
- [death cab for cutie](https://theineptowl.com/tag/death-cab-for-cutie/)
- [douche](https://theineptowl.com/tag/douche/)
- [green day](https://theineptowl.com/tag/green-day/)
- [sellout](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sellout/)
- [jay mcinerney](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jay-mcinerney/)
- [mickey rourke](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mickey-rourke/)
- [two and a half men](https://theineptowl.com/tag/two-and-a-half-men/)
- [crackhead](https://theineptowl.com/tag/crackhead/)
- [jumping the shark](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jumping-the-shark/)
- [memes](https://theineptowl.com/tag/memes/)
- [epic](https://theineptowl.com/tag/epic/)
- [gwyneth paltrow](https://theineptowl.com/tag/gwyneth-paltrow/)
- [yoko ono](https://theineptowl.com/tag/yoko-ono/)
- [courtney love](https://theineptowl.com/tag/courtney-love/)
- [hole](https://theineptowl.com/tag/hole/)
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- [zooey deschanel](https://theineptowl.com/tag/zooey-deschanel/)
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- [showtime](https://theineptowl.com/tag/showtime/)
- [arlovski](https://theineptowl.com/tag/arlovski/)
- [dana white](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dana-white/)
- [anti-trust](https://theineptowl.com/tag/anti-trust/)
- [dancers](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dancers/)
- [rick's cabaret](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ricks-cabaret/)
- [oblivious](https://theineptowl.com/tag/oblivious/)
- [awkward](https://theineptowl.com/tag/awkward/)
- [boobs](https://theineptowl.com/tag/boobs/)
- [st. patrick's day](https://theineptowl.com/tag/st-patricks-day/)
- [irish](https://theineptowl.com/tag/irish/)
- [guinness](https://theineptowl.com/tag/guinness/)
- [sober people](https://theineptowl.com/tag/sober-people/)
- [spring training](https://theineptowl.com/tag/spring-training/)
- [opening day](https://theineptowl.com/tag/opening-day/)
- [winning](https://theineptowl.com/tag/winning/)
- [coffee](https://theineptowl.com/tag/coffee/)
- [jumping the shart](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jumping-the-shart/)
- [cliche](https://theineptowl.com/tag/cliche/)
- [supermoon](https://theineptowl.com/tag/supermoon/)
- [nasa](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nasa/)
- [ugly ass](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ugly-ass/)
- [car mooning](https://theineptowl.com/tag/car-mooning/)
- [elizabeth taylor](https://theineptowl.com/tag/elizabeth-taylor/)
- [liz taylor](https://theineptowl.com/tag/liz-taylor/)
- [dick clark](https://theineptowl.com/tag/dick-clark/)
- [tontine](https://theineptowl.com/tag/tontine/)
- [death pool](https://theineptowl.com/tag/death-pool/)
- [celebrity deaths](https://theineptowl.com/tag/celebrity-deaths/)
- [archer](https://theineptowl.com/tag/archer/)
- [colton burpo](https://theineptowl.com/tag/colton-burpo/)
- [jesus](https://theineptowl.com/tag/jesus/)
- [heaven](https://theineptowl.com/tag/heaven/)
- [white light](https://theineptowl.com/tag/white-light/)
- [ann coulter](https://theineptowl.com/tag/ann-coulter/)
- [radiation](https://theineptowl.com/tag/radiation/)
- [japan](https://theineptowl.com/tag/japan/)
- [the simpsons](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-simpsons/)
- [the hulk](https://theineptowl.com/tag/the-hulk/)
- [MLB](https://theineptowl.com/tag/mlb/)
- [bud selig](https://theineptowl.com/tag/bud-selig/)
- [nobex radio companion](https://theineptowl.com/tag/nobex-radio-companion/)
- [pandora](https://theineptowl.com/tag/pandora/)
- [SiriusXM](https://theineptowl.com/tag/siriusxm/)
- [howard stern](https://theineptowl.com/tag/howard-stern/)
- [geeks](https://theineptowl.com/tag/geeks/)
- [car systems](https://theineptowl.com/tag/car-systems/)