Tag: new england patriots
Sad Tom Brady Replaced by Sweep the Leg Tommy
The AFC Championship match-up between the Baltimore Ravens and New England Patriots last weekend had all of the hype of its NFC counter-part between the San Francisco 49ers and Atlanta Falcons. Luckily, both games lived up to their hype as the Kaepernick train rolled on and the Ravens proved once again that defense trumps offense. [...]
Gronkowski Continues His Quest to Prove He Isn’t Straight
Kingston, RI: Rob Gronkowski, tight end for the New England Patriots, made another huge step toward both proving that he didn’t have sex with porn star Bibi Jones, and coming fully out of the closet. This step occurred yesterday at the University of Rhode Island, where Gronkowski played a game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” on-stage [...]
While We Were Bored: Tom Brady After Super Bowl XLVI
It comes as no surprise that one of the more stoic players on one of the most stoic professional football teams lead by the most stoic coach in the history of the game would be diplomatic in his approach to explaining a loss in the Super Bowl. Tom Brady, starting quarterback of the New England Patriots and future Hall-of-Famer, said all the right things during his press conference after Super Bowl XLVI in order to protect his teammates.
NFL Powder Puff Picks: Super Bowl XLVI
Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! Each week we will pick game winners based on Vegas over/under lines, and add some sharp commentary to the games. It’s all but decided who our winners will be this year as our British bookie seems to be running away with the prize between the commentators. Luckily, no-one gave up on cracking a few jokes about the game. Next year, we hope to be bigger and better, and may even fit some fantasy football in the mix. Good luck players! We will post all winners with ridiculous presentation speeches later in the week.
Patriots Coach Belichick to Install New Gate at Home
Weston, MA: In celebration of the New England Patriots making it to their 5th Super Bowl in 10 years, coach Bill Belichick recently instigated plans for building a 4th gate on the property of his Massachusetts home this past week.
Belichick and Patriots Hire McDaniels, Cowher and More as Assistants
Foxborough, MA: Looking for their first win in the NFL playoffs since 2007, Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots left nothing to chance by hiring their former offensive coordinator, Josh McDaniels, as an assistant to offensive coordinator Bill O’Brian. While there are roster lock rules that prevent players from jumping from a losing team to a playoff team at a certain time, the same rules do not apply for coaches, however that may change after the outcry that followed the McDaniels move. Sources in the NFL have stated that the rule would be looked at in the off-season. Because of this rule change, Bill Belichick has begun a quest to collect as many assistant coaches for his team as possible in order to give him and his team a knowledgeable edge in the future.
Patriots Awarded Super Bowl Victory Partway Through Season
Foxborough, MA: NFL commissioner Roger Goodell today awarded the New England Patriots the Lombardi Trophy for their performance in the first quarter of the season. At a ceremony held in Tom Brady’s jockstrap, Goodell handed the coveted trophy to Pats coach/head videographer, Bill Belichick.
“The New England Patriots symbolize all that is right in the NFL: using technology to gain advantages, hiring malcontent mercenaries away from other teams, and throwing the ball downfield late in games where the outcome has already been decided,” Goodell said while giving wide receiver Randy Moss a non-therapeutic massage.
The Patriots, who currently lead the league in passing touchdowns, scoring defense, and players with a history of suspension for rules violation, were pleased to receive their fourth world championship in six years. During his acceptance speech, owner Bob Craft stated that he intended to put the trophy in the display case above his bed.
