Berea, OH: Earlier this week, scientists made a one-of-a-kind discovery: a man who has never once listened to a Christmas carol performed by singer Mariah Carey. At a press release in Berea, Dr. Jim Foxentrot, head of the Christmas and Related Events of Yule branch of the Benevolent League of Winter Scientists (CAREY-BLOWS) revealed a glimpse of the rare beast to the public.
With the holidays in full swing and the economy lagging a bit behind, businesses both small and large have begun looking into alternatives to the normal holiday essentials that many employees have come to rely on: the corporate booze party where co-workers come together in friendship, and the copier room always needs to be disinfected; thoughtful gifts like coupon books, corporate-inscribed stationary, and memberships to the “Butter of the Month” Club; bonus checks.
Massapequa Park, NY: Christmas Day is one of the busiest for Catholic Churches around the world. It is the one day a year when many Catholics suddenly remember that they’re Catholic and decide to stumble into the nearest church and say a few Hail Marys. However, if you happened to stumble into Our Lady of Lourdes in Long Island on Christmas Day, you might have gotten a little more than some choir music and a dose of Catholic guilt.
Wasilla, AK: Christmas may need to be postponed this year, as reports from the North Pole are claiming that Santa Claus’ sleigh was allegedly shot down early this morning by Sarah Palin. In a near-dawn hunting excursion in the northern part of her native Alaska, Mrs. Palin caught sight of eight reindeer in the sky, with a large cargo being towed behind them. Sensing that flying caribou could be a fantastic trophy to hang above her fireplace mantel, Sarah took 10 shots from her rifle. 7 of those shots were killshots, 1 missed, and two took down one of the reindeer.
Few people are probably aware that the Salvation Army has strict guidelines when it comes to what types of toys it will give to needy children. For instance, as the Salvation Army sifted through its mountains of toys this year, it threw out anything related to Harry Potter and Twilight.
Biologists have discovered that the holiday season is having an adverse effect on the environment. They have found that the world’s forests shrink much more rapidly in the months preceding Christmas. The primary culprit: Christmas greeting cards.
The shocking statistics come courtesy of The Granola Group, a non-profit organization dedicated to conservation efforts, world peace, and other hippie causes. Dr. Toefeld, head of The Granola Group, explained that those seeming-innocent holiday greetings are actually a grave threat to our planet.