Jersy Shore, NJ: News flash: double negatives aside, Rex Ryan is not fat for no good reason, and his laziness has now permeated the scouting department. In what has become a trend, Jets scouts have once again failed and have relied upon the scouts of rival AFC team the Pittsburgh Steelers to flesh out their roster. To this end, and to continue a proud Jet trend, they have added convict Plaxico Burress to their roster.
Rest in peace, Michael. You treated us indie artists like mainstream entities, in horror, music, and comedy. We’ll keep that flame alive as best we can.
London, ENGLAND: Ideas have run rampant as to British singer/songwriter/rehab-jumper/addict Amy Winehouse’s cause of death. Some infer that drugs and/or alcohol and/or household cleaners may have been involved. Others believe that her body may have given out due to malnutrition. Some say it could have been suicide in correlation to a century-old cult that cries for the souls of 27 year old musicians. While the cause of death still has not been released, the most pinpoint speculation has arisen through how Amy Winehouse definitely did not perish.
London, England: As word came down this weekend that Amy Winehouse had finally succumbed to the unenviable miseries of stardom, adulation and millions of dollars by croaking in her home, fans of the famed soul crooner were found gathered outside her home shouting “NO, NO, NO!!!” Her manager, looking for some brightness amidst the gloom said, “now Wino can go home and be with her mum.” When told that Winehouse’s mother was still living her manager said “well, her grandmother then.”
Washington, DC: After hammering away for hours and hours, Speaker of the House John Boehner has withdrawn from debt ceiling and budget talks with President Obama and Democrats. Boehner, who made the news in January for wielding an unusually large gavel, has been trying for weeks to shove his agenda down Democrats’ throats. Democratic leaders thus far have been unable to swallow the deal that Boehner has given them. As one Boehner aide said, “They just need to lay back, relax, and let us do what we want. It’ll be much less painful that way. If things get all tense, it’s still gonna happen… it’s just going to hurt more.”
With the launch of the final Harry Potter movie, in a franchise so full of itself they broke one book into two movies to make it seem as if they would actually try to cover everything in the book when they really just wanted to one-up the lengthy goodbyes from Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, it seemed vital to launch some new memes. Updates will come as memes are received, and created, but we will start you off with one of our own.
It had to happen. After such an insane response to my HBO’s Game of Thrones Explained…with Beer article, I decided to push the envelope and see what I could get away with in a sequel article. I know, it’s shameful. Then again, this could the makings of an intelligent trilogy, or even series, much like Star Wars, Harry Potter, and the first two Back to the Future movies. I’m not regurgitating. These are a new group of characters, a new group of alcohol(even if it does have a cameo in line with KISS showing up in a Scooby-Doo episode), and a new group of jokes. But you don’t have to take my word for it…
Washington DC: The results are in: Floridian ex-mom Casey Anthony has been found not guilty of 1st degree murder in the death of her 2 year old daughter Caylee. For many, the outrage has saturated the media more so than the O.J. Simpson verdict. This could be blamed for the social advancement of the internet, as it cannot be known if angry white people would have created Facebook groups calling for a lynching in the 90s.