Recent Articles
Mississippi Rallies Behind Obesity
Jackson, MS: This week, Governor Phil Bryant signed into law a ban on regulation of portion size and nutrition, officially endorsing Mississipians’ rights to eat themselves into a coma. The ban is a huge win for pro-obesity groups, breathing new life into a movement that has become embattled ever since the public began to wonder [...]
Jonathan Lipnicki Named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year
Decatur, IL: Jonathan Lipnicki, the diminutive star of Jerry Maguire and The Jeff Foxworthy Show has been named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year for 2013. Lipnicki, who at 22 is only 5’3,” was overjoyed when presented with the news. “I’ve been a runner-up for three years in a row,” said Lipnicki, who is currently [...]
Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-18-2013
Well readers, I’m back. After going to Psychic School for a year (yes, it IS a thing), I have returned to do what I do best: tell you how to live your life, week to week, for the better. Or worse. Whatever I feel like, really. So, here are this week’s horrible horoscopes! [...]
Kim Kardashian May Not Be Kim Kardashian
Los Angeles, CA: As the divorce proceedings between Brooklyn Nets power forward Kris Humphries and unreality TV star Kim Kardashian continue, evidence has come to light that could prove that the marriage between the two was based on fraud. Allegations include testimony that the marriage proposal was re-shot to feature Kim Kardashian’s horrible acting skills, [...]
Vatican Selects New Old White Guy to Preside over Week of Media Relevancy
Vatican City, Italy: In a groundbreaking move, an enclave of cardinals selected a wrinkled old 76-year-old white man to replace their broken down 85-year-old white man. Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina will henceforth be known as Pope Francis the First and will be in the top ten Google search results for the next week, right [...]
Papal Possibilities for New Pope
Vatican City: The stage is set for the successor of Pope Benedict XVI, as the 115 cardinals of the papal conclave met in Rome today to begin proceedings that will elect a new pope. Who could be the next man, or woman, to don the pope hat? We have some ideas. These men and women [...]
Sequester Season: Tips for Falling off the Cliff
Washington DC: On Thursday, President Obama signed into effect the spending cuts known officially as the sequester and unofficially as the collapse of the American Empire. There were tear-filled eyes in the Oval Office, especially John Boehner, who said in a tearful comment to reporters that he’s just glad they didn’t put in any cuts [...]
Andy Dick to Star in Andy Dick Biopic as Andy Dick
Los Angeles, CA: After three years of negotiation with Dreamworks, Hollywood Legend Andy Dick has finally agreed to star in an upcoming film about his life. According to sources, Steven Spielberg has agreed to direct the film and has hired Frank Darabont, the screenwriter for Shawshank Redemption and creator of The Walking Dead to pen [...]
Local Jerk Plans Itinerary for Titanic II
New York, NY: When the world learned that Australian billionaire Clive Palmer was building a replica of the biggest disaster to ever float through the sea, most people believed that he was spitting in the face of destiny and leaving cab-fare on the night-stand. The idea of re-making a ship that sunk, leading to the [...]
Marco Rubio Pledges to be More Latino, Moist
Tallahassee, Florida: In a press conference today in his home state, Senator Marco Antonio Ricardo Carlos Velasquez Rubio announced that he was going “Full-Latino”, adding at the end of his statement, “chicos”. The conference was held inside of a Cuban restaurant and press members were required to ask their questions in Spanish or at least [...]
