Recent Articles
Broken Yankees to Rehab at Local Gentlemen’s Club
New York, NY: With the New York Yankees sputtering during the worst season-opening home-stand since 2010, the thought of how good this team really is wasn’t the only thing on the minds of fans and sports analysts alike. It was questions like, “Where’s Derek Jeter?” and “How long until the Yankee veterans are back?” and [...]
North Korea to US: We Could Totally Kick Your Ass. We Just Don’t Feel Like It Right Now
Washington, DC: Today, officials in North Korea issued a strongly worded threat to the US assuring Americans that the North Korean military power is much stronger than theirs. The exact words of the message were, “We could totally kick your ass if we wanted to.” The message continues, outlining some of the high tech war [...]
Rutgers Coach Mike Rice Fined & Suspended for Impersonating Bobby Knight
Newark, NJ: The biggest news in college basketball may be a different type of March Madness than the NCAA championship tournament, as Rutgers University men’s basketball coach Mike Rice was fined and suspended. The disciplinary actions came when ESPN publicized found footage of Rice physically and verbally abusing players during multiple practices. Now the question [...]
Kevin Ware Wimps Out, Louisville Limps into Final Four
Indianapolis, IN: This weekend, the Louisville Cardinals eked out a win against Duke to limp into the NCAA Final Four. While the win may be huge, there is one story that eclipses all other news: Kevin Ware, and his inability to finish off a game. Louisville survived lack-luster play by sophomore guard Kevin Ware, who [...]
Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 4-1-2013
The stars are angry, my friends. I can tell because of my telescope, not because I can see them up close. No, I keep the view protector on, so I can’t see a damn thing. No, I feel the stars, like a good astrologist. Here is what I feel about your horoscopes. [...]
MLB Baseball: Parody Rankings Week 1
The MLB season is set to begin this Sunday. On Easter. At the same time season 3 of Game of Thrones will premiere. So if that’s not enough to mock professional baseball, we give you our version of Power Rankings, a version that really has no power at all. Unless, of course, you pump it [...]
The Cynical Comedian’s View on Gay Marriage
While the Supreme Court justices decide how to vote to repeal Proposition 8 without looking too “gay”, and how to vote to keep Proposition 8 without looking too ridiculous, we went ahead and found some clips of people who really put the idea of gay marriage in perspective: comedians.
Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 3-25-2013
Fortune cookies are played out. Instead, live your life based on what I say. Trust me. I’m an astrologist. I have the on-line diploma to prove it. So, here are this week’s horrible horoscopes!
Bill Gates Offers $100k to Get Nerds Laid, Condoms
Seattle, WA: This week, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announced a $100,000 grant to whoever can create the new generation of condoms. Gates, being the chairman of Microsoft, will likely be looking for something as innovative and efficiently designed as the Windows operating system. In a press conference Monday, Gates told reporters, “I’m looking [...]
Disney Versions of Star Wars and Other Lucas Films to Fear
When Disney first bought out Lucasfilm back in October, Star Wars fans cringed at the initial thought of the family-friendly animation juggernaut getting its hands on their reason for living. I was among them. Then our fears were lessened when the first thing Disney did was stop the latest redux of the Star Wars franchise, [...]
