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Eric Cantor Defeated in Primary by Small Guppy Named Pedro

Eric Cantor Defeated in Primary by Small Guppy Named Pedro

| June 12, 2014 | 1 Comment

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was handed an historic defeat in the Republican primary yesterday by a local house pet.

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Pitbull On Schedule to Release Another Piece of Shit Album

Pitbull On Schedule to Release Another Piece of Shit Album

| June 11, 2014 | 0 Comments

Fans of corporate and thoughtless music rejoiced today in the news that Pitbull is on schedule to release yet another giant piece of shit.

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Jack White’s Ego to Release Solo Album

Jack White’s Ego to Release Solo Album

| June 6, 2014 | 0 Comments

After several years of notable collaboration, Jack White’s Ego announced he is splitting with his mentor in favor of making his own music.

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Study: Hurricane Researchers Really Don’t Know Women

Study: Hurricane Researchers Really Don’t Know Women

| June 3, 2014 | 0 Comments

In a recent study on the study of how the gender of a hurricane’s name affects the public’s fear of the storm, it has been found that most researchers don’t interact with women.

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Space Tollbooths Unveiled by Transit Authorities Following Progress of SpaceX

Space Tollbooths Unveiled by Transit Authorities Following Progress of SpaceX

| May 30, 2014 | 0 Comments

With the unveiling of Dragon V2 by SpaceX, the combined efforts of multiple transit authorities in the United States such as the MTA, CTA, METRO, and MBTA have unveiled a prototype of their own: the space tollbooth.

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Google’s Self-Driving Cars Kidnapping Testers, Exhibiting Emotions

Google’s Self-Driving Cars Kidnapping Testers, Exhibiting Emotions

| May 30, 2014 | 0 Comments

Google has halted production on their line of self-driving cars after the prototypes reportedly started becoming self-aware.

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Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-26-2014

Horrible Horoscopes: Week of 5-26-2014

| May 27, 2014 | 0 Comments

Your future never looked so horrible. Trust Moonbeam Crenshaw. He reads the stars better than words.

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Local Man Forgets About Memorial Day

Local Man Forgets About Memorial Day

| May 26, 2014 | 0 Comments

For local resident Charles Montgomery, this Memorial Day was all but remembered as he found himself locked outside of the office building he visits daily for work.

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Chipotle Asks Customers Not to Bring Their Ancient, Mystical Weapons Into Restaurants

Chipotle Asks Customers Not to Bring Their Ancient, Mystical Weapons Into Restaurants

| May 22, 2014 | 0 Comments

Chipotle Mexican Grill has formally requested that customers leave behind their ancient weapons of unspecified mystical power when eating at their restaurants.

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Pistorius to Undergo Psych Evaluation to Prove He Is Crazy for Killing Extremely Hot Girlfriend

Pistorius to Undergo Psych Evaluation to Prove He Is Crazy for Killing Extremely Hot Girlfriend

| May 21, 2014 | 0 Comments

Oscar Pistorius will undergo a month-long psychiatric evaluation to prove he is crazy for killing his extremely hot girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp.

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