Critics Den
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Forget everything you thought you knew about Canadian music. Nelly Furtado is reinventing an entire nation’s musical history. You’ll find no songs about sinking ships (be they iceberg-bound cruise ships or freighters crossing Lake Superior), no denim-clad crooners, no angsty female performers who may or may not say “aboot” in an post-concert interview.

Staff Bios
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Editor’s note: Music reviewer Darby Shaw did not submit the bio we requested from him some time ago; apparently he wasn’t kidding about the tardiness issue. Instead, we will post his application e-mail. It really says all we need to know about him.

Politics
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WASHINGTON, D.C.- In the aftermath of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales’ testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Gonzales has come under intense scrutiny because of his lack of informational responses. He was being questioned regarding his removal of eight federal prosecutors, which he claimed was “justified.” He has, however, forgotten what that justification was.

Entertainment
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The audience at this year’s Academy Awards was stunned as Chris Burke was called up to the stage to receive his Lifetime Achievement Award. It was not the fact that he had won the award, but how he had stated he won it.

That could be summed up by Mr. Burke’s acceptance speech. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a confession.” Then in a clear, intelligible tone, stated, “I never really had Down’s Syndrome, but thanks for the award. Suckers!”

Entertainment
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It has been two weeks since Britney Spears attacked photographers with an umbrella outside of Kevin Federline’s home. Besides her newly shaved head, twitching eyes, and the tendency to bite anyone within arm’s distance, Miss Spears was a model California resident. Since then she has ducked into an undisclosed rehab center to tend to her addictions and overall psychosis.

National
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Visitors of Central Park were caught up in a nightmare Sunday as F-16 Fighting Falcons were deployed and shot down a plane flying in restricted airspace. The pilot of the rogue plane, 8 year old James Foldrieg, was guiding his wooden, rubber-band propelled glider to what local authorities assume was The Metropolitan Museum of Art, his target.

Capt. Reginald Watson was radioed about the renegade plane during his flight from the McGuire Air Force Base in New Jersey, and promptly sighted and shot it down using AIM-120 missiles. “The little wooden glider took evasive maneuvers, which enabled it to dodge my first AAM. I re-engaged the glider, and my second shot was dead on. I’m just glad there weren’t more casualties then necessary,” Capt. Watson explained.

Business
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With the eye-opening fiction of the diamond trade in theaters, women are becoming apprehensive about receiving diamond engagement rings. Upon looking at the brilliant, multi-faceted jewel, feminine sympathy has brought about sadness and disgust.

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