The pious backup quarterback of the New York Jets caused a stir for copyrights in regards to the Son of God when his lawyers sent a desist letter to a company, Chubby Tees, which was selling a shirt, “MY JESUS” based on the logo and colors of the NY JETS.

While it is unsure how Tim Tebow may have copyrighted Jesus, it is believed that through prayer and Tebowing on the field that Tim Tebow may have been grandfathered in to the creative license.

“It’s like Donald Trump trademarking the term ‘You’re Fired!’ “, stated copyright lawyer Marcus Benjamin. “Jesus didn’t get popular again until Tim Tebow came around, so he obviously should retain any creative license to the focus of Christian faith, to be given out at his own discretion.

However, there are fears that, if this forced desist on Chubby Tees becomes valid, Christianity may become an even more commercialized form of extremist Islam, using lawsuits instead of bombs as a terrorist act.

In any event, it is believed the Jesus copyright will be met with criticism and mockery until it is resolved.

Diablo 3

Finally, after a long hiatus from online gaming because A) Diablo 2 got old, and B) World of Warcraft makes you pay by the month, which is useless to me because I sometimes only play games once a month, a game that I knew would drag me back in was released: Diablo 3.

Normally, I’m never one to go out and get a game when it first comes out. I’d rather sit back, wait for everyone else to get their characters maxed out, and grab a copy when the price dropped, but something happened to me as I waited for Diablo 3, something that hasn’t happened since, well, Diablo 2: I got excited about video games again. I had a gift card to Best Buy, some articles to write, so I thought, “Hey, why not grab a copy and write about it?” So now you’re going to listen, as Diablo 3 meets The Gaming Diaries.

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Day 1:

4:15AM

Thanks to sweating my ass off while falling down over and over again at my first hot yoga class(hey, I thought it’d be a cool place to pick up women. I was wrong. Maybe it’ll be a better place when I can actually stand up straight for more than 5 seconds), I was up early. Really early. I guess being all healthy and whatnot helps keep your body balanced. Of course, the first thing I thought of in my new, healthy state was, “Golly! Maybe I can reserve a copy of Diablo 3 at Best Buy!” I sure as hell could! And did.

11:32AM

Picked up the game. I didn’t check to see if there were any other copies on the shelves, but by the look of the game boxes piled up behind the pick-up counter it seems I made a good choice.

12:00-1:00PM

Install time. Yeah, that long. No, I didn’t stare blankly at the progress bar all that time. I came back to check on it after about an hour and it was at 97%.

1:00-1:30PM

Took me a half hour to figure out how to log in. Yeah, it’s been that long. How was I supposed to know you had to use your email, and not your gamer tag? See? This is a FAQ Guide. For noobs like me.

1:30PM

Sat through the whole game introduction because, let’s face it, after 10 years, I want to suck in as many cinematic scenes as possible.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

I also get to make a banner. I don’t know where it’ll show up, so I chose the chicken, since owls aren’t available, or I have to unlock them somehow. Probably have to buy them. Yeah, I saw the auction house link, too, but I didn’t feel like shelling out money to get a 20dmg hand crossbow. I’m sure they’re there. It’s early enough. Gamers were probably trying to sell items from the BETA version on eBay. (update: oddly enough, this isn’t the case. Yes, I checked…but only for research, I swear.)

Emo Hunter of Diablo 3. Cries after killing monsters.

I choose to be a demon hunter, because I like rocking out the bow and arrow. Or maybe I’m just a wimp that wants to kill things from really far away. Unfortunately, Diablo 3 mistook my choice, and elected to make my character the lame emo kid who fronts My Chemical Romance. Please, rogues don’t need a damn scarf. They have the fires of hell to keep them warm.

1:40PM

After choosing the emo kid and starting the game, I take about 10 steps before three quests are unlocked and completed. I can understand how not allowing private games will help make sure there’s no shady business with items, but this is a little ridiculous. I had to walk around for twenty minutes to find things to kill because, no, I don’t play well with others, and I want to figure out what the hell I’m doing before I start running around with other people.

Everything's dead already. Great game.

2:22PM

Americas server crashes, and I still haven’t even finished a quest myself, or even found a helmet. What I did find was some cloth pants, some crappy gloves, and a shield to go with my hand crossbow. Once this crash is fixed, we’ll see if I have any of that crap.

5:10PM

Servers are up again, which is awesome because now I can take a picture of my pussy demon hunter to warn the world.

5:15PM

Server is shut down for unknown reasons. Again.

More random updates as the fun continues.

While the idea is plausible that the iPhone 5 would be released eventually, considering Apple’s dead-pan creativity with naming their products, iPhonophiles are hopeful that the future version will have features such as a SIM card slot, prettier docking plugs, having the properties of liquid, FLASH compatibility, and maybe, just maybe, a way to replace the battery yourself.

But that’s all techno-babble better suited for gadget sites. The real question is: who will be the spokesperson for the iPhone 5? While Steve Jobs’ body may be in an undisclosed bunker somewhere, ready to be unearthed with a new Apple product, a back-up plan must be enabled in order to explain the iPhone 5 to stockholders and society itself. Here are some of the rumored spokespeople, or spokesthings.

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1) Ashton Kutcher

After becoming the unofficial celebrity of social media, shooting countless commercials for Nikon cameras, and replacing Charlie Sheen’s character as a technology wunderkind, Walden Schmidt, in Two and a Half Men, Ashton Kutcher seems the perfect spokesperson to praise technological advances in the iPhone 5, such as how pretty the power button is, how big the app icons are, and how his assistant can tweet with ease. He’ll probably look a lot better in jeans and a black turtleneck than Steve Jobs did, too.

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2) Gilbert Gottfried

Maybe it’s just a reason to give him a job after the Twitter debacle that get him fired from AFLAC, but Gilbert Gottfried would have a lot to contribute as a spokesman for the iPhone 5. Besides a stage act that people won’t be able to ignore, Gottfried will also be able to infuse some irony in his presentation of the iPhone 5. This would help soften the antagonizing nature of iPhonophiles to the public, and make people who vowed never to get an iPhone, due to the need to go against the grain of popularity, actually consider it.

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3) Mark Zuckerberg

Besides the fact that he may end up looking exactly like Steve Jobs in thirty years, Mark Zuckerberg has other Jobs-like qualities that would make him an easy replacement: he’s created an empire with computer technology, stepped on the toes of plenty of friends, and Facebook is like a social media Apple by how it buys up anything that has a whiff of competition.

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4) Steve Wozniak

The next biggest name in Apple, even if he doesn’t technically work for the company anymore, and no stranger to being on-stage after a stint on Dancing with the Stars, Steve Wozniak could be the next face of Apple if he really wanted to: a chubby, unshaven face that shares the characteristics of many of Apple’s obsessed techno-fans.

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5) Steve Jobs Hologram

Tupac was resurrected at Coachella using hologram technology, and Queen’s Freddie Mercury is set to be resurrected the same way. Why wouldn’t Steve Jobs be resurrected as a hologram to discuss the iPhone 5? Apple would only have to edit every other iPhone presentation Jobs did. Who knows, maybe the iPhone 5 will have holographic technology, which will be used to project Steve Jobs onto the stage. It would make more sense for Apple to do that rather than fix the iPhone’s battery issues.

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6) A Potato

When all is said and done, it really doesn’t matter who the spokesperson of the iPhone 5 is. The phone is going to sell no matter what. Apple could realistically throw a potato on the stage next to a powered-up iPhone 5 and a thousand Youtube videos, a million blog posts, and an interview with MTV would probably pop up. They may be better off, considering the other choices.

Phoebe Singer, 15, plays second base on the Arizona Sun baseball team because the school doesn’t have a softball team. Everyone—including the coach and other players—is happy to have her on the team.

“She’s a great player,” stated Arizona Sun coach, Todd Wickam. “She’s one of the reasons we made it to the championship game in the first place. It’s not like we stuck her out in deep right field instead of keeping a shortstop.”

It's been almost 30 years, and some conservative sects STILL haven't seen The Bad News Bears.

The Our Lady of Tears school, however, is not so glad.

The two teams were to play against each other in an ACAA championship game. The Our Lady of Tears school, however, forfeited the game once they found out that Phoebe was on the team.

“It’s against school policy to let boys and girls play together,” said Our Lady of Tears administrator, Richard Moran. “It goes against our religious beliefs.”

The Our Lady of Tears School is run by the Society of Saints, a group of priests that broke from the Catholic Church in the 1980s because they didn’t believe the Catholic Church to be conservative enough. Along with believing women to be inferior to men, the Society also believes the earth is flat and Jesus was a white dude.

“It isn’t womanly,” stated Paul Adams, the baseball coach for Our Lady of Tears. “Young women should be taking home economics in school. They should not be in the field playing with balls. Leave the balls to the boys.”

The Our Lady of Tears baseball team agrees.

“I think she’s a lesbian,” stated Our Lady of Tears pitcher Ricky Peters. “Athletic girls are always lesbians. She should repent and go bake us cookies.”

“I just like playing baseball,” responded Phoebe Singer.

The Society believes Phoebe has ulterior motives.

“She’s trying to subvert the faith. She’s one of those feminazis,” stated Society representative, Father Benedict the Almighty. “We believe that women have no place in politics, religion, or athletics. They belong in the home, bearing children and obeying their husbands. Miss Singer is trying to make a statement, trying to convince other young women that it’s acceptable for them to do what they want.”

The championship game was scheduled for the past Saturday. After forfeiting, the Our Lady of Tears team spent their day “spitting, arm wrestling, peeing outside, crushing soda cans on their foreheads, and doing other manly things,” said Coach Adams.

Dr. Milton McKensey hopes to get out of depth himself in order to afford a nice sports jacket and slacks.

“It’s really a booming field,” explains Dr. Gene McGill, chair of the department, “More than a third of Americans have some kind of student debt and only twenty percent have mental health problems.  Yet you see tons of psychology departments, am I right?”

The department includes faculty from a wide range of fields, including economics, communications, psychology and a number of art professors.  Those holding art degrees are widely known to be experts in the area of student debt.

“Well, I mean, it beats working at Starbucks,” claims professor Nancy McPheeny.  Her course, “Debt Arts”, challenges students to express the fear of their crushing financial burdens through illustration.  She encourages students to purchase expensive graphics programs that they’ll never use in the real world in order to really get in touch with their inner debtor.

The department has gotten some early recognition for one of its students who, as her final project for the course “the Music of Student Debt”, gave a performance that consisted of a few seconds of clarinet followed by several hours of quiet weeping.

“It really is groundbreaking stuff,” says economist Dr. Milton McKensey, “I spent my last class showing, minute-by-minute, how much my lecture was costing them.”

Dr. McGill has big plans.  He is developing a PhD program housed within the department.  Dr. McGill explained that the inspiration for the PhD program actually came from a student.  As Dr. McGill describes it, a student came into his office with an equation he wrote on the back of a past due notice.  The equation mapped out how the student’s quality of life decreased at a precise proportion to the increase in loan interest rate.

“That’s a dissertation, right there!” exclaimed Dr. McGill, “And what better way to get in touch with decreased quality of life than by going into a PhD program?”

As far as career options, Dr. McGill was optimistic.  Studying student debt, he explained, gives students the kind of background in human misery that is essential to surviving in a world of limited job options.  He claims that any field would be excited to have someone prepared for disappointment.

“As they say about loan interest rates,” Dr. McGill smiled, “The sky’s the limit!”

After moving his stuff out of his garage, Mr. Blunt promptly rented his own garage.

Mr. Glunt had purchased his first home in November of last year, so this would be the first garage sale that he was a part of. Unfortunately, it may have been his last. At around 10:00 AM, Mr. Glunt was approached by his first potential customer, Marcus Smith. It is believed Mr. Glunt had few visitors because he had neglected to put any items out for display at the garage sale.

“I had a late start for the event, so I ended up just standing out in front of my garage, waiting for a buyer,” explained Glunt. “It seemed everyone else had already moved most of the stuff out of their garages, but since I had just moved in, I really didn’t have much to move.”

Marcus Smith, a real estate lawyer, approached Glunt to ask him what he was selling. Glunt allegedly looked confused, then pointed to his garage.

“I thought this guy had bars of gold or something that he was selling, from how he just stood in his empty driveway like an idiot, so I decided to check it out,” explained Smith. “Apparently, he was standing there like an idiot because he is an idiot. He was literally selling his garage. not the house, not renting storage space, but selling his whole fucking garage!”

The rest of the incident happened fairly quickly. Smith offered to buy the garage for $4,500, and quickly scribbled out a contractual agreement in his Mercedes for the men to sign and make copies up. In as little as an hour, Nicholas Glunt was without a garage, and Marcus Smith had one.

“Since he paid me so quickly, I decided to move my stuff out of my old garage just as quickly,” explained Glunt. “Unfortunately, it started getting cloudy, so I called up Marcus after he had left to ask him if I could rent his garage for the weekend. He gave me a good deal at $500 a month, said I could use it as long as I needed.”

When asked why he would sell his own, property-zoned garage, Glunt said, “Hey, I’ve seen plenty of episodes of Storage Wars. I figured, why not make a little money on my own storage?”

When it was explained that, in Storage Wars, bidders are buying the contents of storage containers and not the containers themselves, Nicholas Glunt had no comment.

*photo courtesy of Darby Shaw

While critics are unsure if Rep. Ron Paul is even aware that he is still campaigning while behind, this story is all too familiar. It happened just four years ago to be exact: the emergence of Sad Paul.

Sad Paul never gained steam, mostly because Ron Paul had become an internet meme himself. This year, however, we will celebrate Sad Paul with a photo contest!

The directions are simple:

1.  Take the Sad Paul template, found HERE
2.  Add Sad Paul to your favorite sad scene, whether it be in film, television, history, or anything else
3.  Explain your picture
4.  Email your picture to ineptowl@gmail.com
5.  Win stuff

This time we will be picking 10 winners to receive stuff from our closet. It could literally be anything: A wine-opening set; an Olympus camera that still uses “AA” batteries; Season 2 of The O.C.; a pen!

The top 5 that are voted on will receive a copy of Ron Paul’s critically acclaimed introduction to film, Bruno! Votes will be tallied using the highly sophisticated and iron-tight calibration of internet voting.

Unsure how to proceed? Well, here are some examples we did ourselves!

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Sad Paul on the Porch

This picture came from an article by our own Ben Batorsky, and prompted the creation of Sad Paul in the first place.

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Sad Paul Meets Sad Keanu

It’s hard not to have a Sad Paul without referencing the great Sad Keanu.

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Say Anything, Sad Paul.

If only we could get Sad Paul to hold up a boombox that’s playing Peter Gabriel’s “Sledgehammer“.

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How do you win? Email your work to ineptowl@gmail.com with the heading “Sad Paul”, or post your picture at our fan page on Facebook, by May 21, 2012. We will then post them all in both an article and in a Facebook photo folder. From there, we will count up votes from our readers using a website poll, and the photo “like” button on Facebook. The top 5 will win the spoils! The next 5 will win the spoiled.

Remember, entries must be your own creations.

Disclaimer: Winners must be 18 years or older and reside in the United States. Only one winner per household. Contest entries due at 12:00am Eastern Standard Time on May 21, 2012.

However, there is one reason that May the fourth was mixed up with “May the Force” that is rarely brought up: good, old-fashioned embarrassing speech impediments.

Happy Star Wars Day, everyone!

A section of the press release is as follows:

“As the Republican primary heads into its endgame, it has become necessary to change strategy.  We believe that the word ‘now’ may be misleading,  so we have decided to change it to ‘eventually’ in order to reflect a broader, long-term aim of obtaining the nomination for Representative Paul.”

This segment of the press release needed heavy editing due to frequent typos and punctuation mistakes that have become a signature of Ron Paul’s campaign releases.  This is, at least, an improvement over the earlier releases, which were usually written on a typewriter and often suffered from ink smudges.

The campaign has undergone a number of changes as the race has gone on.  For one, the campaign originally did not have a website, due to Paul’s insistence that the internet was just a fad and that he wasn’t comfortable putting his information up online for fear of “internet pirates”.  When he finally was convinced, his first version of the website received so much traffic that it crashed and took down the rest of Geocities with it.  This was likely partially due to the number of animated flag pictures he had included on the site.

These technological problems caused further headaches for the campaign when Paul insisted his campaign not use cell phones due to concerns about brain tumors.

“It was awful,” said former campaign manager Bob McRuddy. “We had to make fundraising calls with rotary phones.  Do you have any idea how long that takes? And he would never remember our names.  He would just ask for the ‘Spanish one’ when he wanted to talk to our Latino issues correspondent.  He would call me the ‘fat one’.” Bob McRuddy appeared to be distressed by this admission. “It’s glandular, for Christ’s sake.”

The current campaign manager, Seth McGuldary, insisted that a lot of things had changed for the better since those times.  “And honestly,” explained McGuldary, “You get used to the smell of Gold Bond.”

Representative Paul himself gave a brief speech to reporters gathered at his campaign headquarters.  He decried those who were advising him that the race was already over by calling them “quitters” and “French”.

“Back in my day, campaigns used to go on for the whole term! Back then, instead of debates we would grease up the candidates and make them wrestle.  It was three rounds and the money made on bets went to feed orphans.  Those were the good old days!” Ron Paul’s talk lasted several hours and ended with a string of profanity and Paul shoving reporters away from his door screaming, “Get off my lawn!”

Comparing the streaking Kansas City Royals to Wal-Mart may seem unfair to some but, in fairness to the fans, the people of Kansas City deserve a better product and spending more money may be the only way to make that happen.  Most diehard Royals fans will tell you that it’s no coincidence that the team’s fall from prominence happened at almost the exact same time as the death of their longtime owner Ewing Kaufmann in 1993.  The man loved his Royals.  He spent the money, brought in the right players, and delivered the championship that made them successful.  Royalty, if you will.  However, after his departure the team was tossed around only to end up in the hands of David Glass, former President and CEO of Wal-Mart.

Glass proceeded to operate the team like one of his big box stores, slashing prices, hiring a more affordable but less knowledgeable workforce.  Watching some of his draft picks play gives one the same sense of confidence as asking the 18-year old hardware “specialist” for advice on building a new deck.

Mike Moustakas is probably being auctioned off for cash and baseballs right now.

The parallels don’t stop there.  Watching Billy Butler run the bases is like watching one of those People Who Shop at Wal-Mart videos.   During the break between innings, the Royals fill time with games for the fans to keep their attention.  One game involves timing a child run the bases.  And what does the lucky kid get for exercising?  A gift card to a frozen custard stand and the new Grisham novel.  Both items are available at Wal-Mart and neither would help the kid improve his speed.  “Cop a squat on the couch, Johnny, and let’s watch the next 161 games wrapped safely inside your Camo Snuggie!”

Following Kaufmann’s death, and thanks to the guidance of Glass, the Royals went from having one of the highest payrolls in baseball to one of the lowest.  Always low prices! Sound familiar?  The Royals traded or cut a couple guys named David Cone, Johnny Damon and Carlos Beltran.  During the strike shortened season of ’94 Glass supported the use of replacement players.  And after all this, after 18 years without a winner, how does Major League Baseball punish the ownership? By rewarding the city and the team with the 2012 All-Star Game.  Maybe that’ll learn ya!

The connection to Wal-Mart makes this Kansas City team decidedly un-Royal.  It’s starting to feel like an inappropriate mascot.  Not unlike the Jazz in Utah.  At least there is a history with that franchise, which originated in New Orleans, but even when the Royals were winning there wasn’t really anything Royal about Kansas City.  The Royal itself is actually brought to life in the same way that the Sacramento Kings come to life with their King taking shape in the form of a Lion.  Maybe the Royals, and the Kings while we’re at it, should test the mascot market and see if they can’t find something that better suits their current tax bracket.

Certainly there were more than a few of us who, as children, thought, after a glimpse of that logo, that we were watching The Kansas City Royal Crown Colas.  Coincidentally, Wal-Mart may be the only place where you can get an RC Cola these days.

Speaking of which, maybe they could pay tribute to their Wal-Mart connections and be known as The Kansas City Lower Prices!   Think of the money they’d save simply by keeping the same uniform colors.

No good?

Okay, what about something more “Hollywood” like The Kansas City Royale with Cheeses or the Kansas City Royal Tennebaums?  I know what you’re thinking, great movies but sadly too indie for the crowds in KC.

They could try to pull a fast one and trick the fans into believing that they are seeing more of another beloved hometown franchise and simply name their team The Kansas City Baseball Chiefs.  After all, isn’t that how we got the Giants in San Francisco?   Still no good?

Fortunately for the Kansas City faithful, they live in a market where baseball isn’t going anywhere, but it doesn’t change the fact that if the pursuit of lower prices and losing streaks continues we could be seeing new uniforms for The Oklahoma City Royals.

Or better yet, The Kansas City Royals of Anaheim.