Browsing: Sports

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Leavenworth, KS: Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been released from the federal prison in Leavenworth, Kansas, and will finish the last two months of his 23 month sentence for dogfighting under home confinement. Vick will travel to Hampton, Virginia, and is to begin working for a construction firm while waiting to hear whether or not the NFL plans to reinstate him after placing him on indefinite suspension after his conviction nearly two years ago.

Reportedly, Vick’s first plan is to stop at a pet store and see if he can locate a canine companion.

“It’s going to be lonely,” stated Vick, referring to being placed under house arrest. “I’m going to need a friend.”

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Dallas, TX: After being summarily released by the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday, Terrell Owens and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus sought out teams willing to offer the outspoken receiver a long term contract. When no contract was forthcoming by Friday morning, Owens called a press conference to announce his intention to start his own team.

“I don’t need ya’ll,” said Owens, apparently referring to team owners unwilling to take a gamble on the notorious wide receiver. “I’ll start my own damn team and we’ll win the Super Bowl every damn year. Ya’ll ain’t nothin’ but a bunch of haters.”

Owens is looking for financing to build a stadium in Alexander City, Alabama, a city of approximately 15,000 and, coincidentally, the city of his birth. City officials have expressed great interest in Owen’s plans, as it will “let people know that Alexander City is as great as any of them other cities – like New York or Tallahassee,” according to the city’s mayor, Barbara Young.

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New York, NY: In the past week, it has been revealed that New York Yankees’ 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez tested positive for banned performance-enhancing substances as a part of random, anonymous drug testing during the 2003 season. After the story was revealed, Rodriguez admitted to using performance enhancers between 2001 and 2003; however, Inept Owl reporters have obtained copies of a more recent drug test and realized that the entire story has not yet come out.

Buried amongst all the scientific mumbo-jumbo that, quite frankly, leaves us completely mystified, Owl staff found mention of one substance not previously listed in reports elsewhere. This compound was found by blood-testing, as it apparently disappears once it passes through the kidneys and mixes with urine. The substance, which is labeled “steroid: undetectable compound, kidney-based” or SUCK for short, was found in Rodriguez’s blood sample.

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It was recently announced by UFC that Kurt Warner and Troy Polamalu will be engaging in a cage fight to determine which Christian athlete is more devout. This came about after the recent Super Bowl when Warner and Polamalu were kneeling side by side after the game in a show of devotion to their Christian faith. Apparently when Warner whispered “Heavenly father, thank you for the blessing of this day”, Polamalu misheard “Your long hair makes you look like a Christian pussy you Tongan freak”, or at least said he did. Polamalu’s agent was contacted shortly after the game, and a deal was brokered shortly before his visit to Disneyworld. As we go to press it is still to be determined what this has to do with being more devout.

Warner, who is known to sprinkle the word “God” or “Jesus” into every sentence, maintained his innocence, yet had this to say during fight preparations.

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Pittsburgh, PA: For years, sports writers, game announcers, and fans have all wondered about Pittsburgh Steeler wide receiver Hines Ward and his never-ending smile. Until now, most believed that his smile was due to an overwhelming sense of happiness and accomplishment. However, after some research and repeated interviews with individuals close to the Steelers organization, it appears as if the truth is a bit more troubling.

According to sources who wish to remain anonymous, Hines Ward is, in a word, retarded.

“It’s true,” said a trainer recently. “Hines Ward, though he may be a good receiver, is actually retarded. That’s why he smiles so much. He has no freaking clue about what’s going on. In fact, he thinks that it’s his birthday every Sunday, which explains the constant smiling.”

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