Pittsburgh, PA: In one of the clearest signs yet of Ben Roethlisberger’s futile attempts to change his reputation, the Steelers quarterback has told a Pittsburgh newspaper that his new religious beliefs preclude him from living with his fiancée, even though she still works as an escort.
Oklahoma City, OK: It is a hard road to find a way past the slam dunks of Blake Griffin in order to hear about actual basketball games. Every other day, ESPN’s Play of the Day involves Blake Griffin slamming a basketball through the net, whether it is while flipping, spinning, or bouncing off a trampoline and over a Kia. The fact that Griffin’s team, the Los Angeles Clippers, have a 21-36 record is secondary.
With the re-re-re-retirement of NFL Hall of Fame quarterback and soft-porn texter Brett Favre, the world is wondering, “What will Brett Favre do now?” Well, aside from the probable comeback season, again, ESPN has begun to show the pilots of shows to be featured on one of their future splinter stations, BRESPN.
Pittsburgh, PA: Hines Ward, Steelers wide receiver and the man long recognized as the village idiot of Pittsburgh, suddenly stopped smiling this morning after realizing that his team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, lost Super Bowl XLV. Fans have been wondering what took so long for the realization to set in.
Welcome back, football fans, to our quasi-professional football picks! It’s the Conference Championships! The winners go to the Super Bowl! The losers go to the Pro Bowl! Tom Brady will finally fix his foot that has been ailing him since 2001! This is football!
Flushing Meadows, NY: Jets fans, not generally known for their intellect, have been issued a stern warning from the Surgeon General of the United States, Regina Benjamin. This was in the wake of several fatalities following the unlikely Jets victory against the Patriots. In one such fatality a fan decided to sled into oncoming traffic. This proved to be problematic as the sled’s imaginary air bag never deployed, nor did its antilock blades. Overtaxed city workers are still cleaning up this mess.
Seattle, WA: Pete Carroll has heard many things this year as the head coach of the Seattle Seahawks: how his college coaching style won’t work; how Matt Hasselbeck is finally showing his age in play as well as lack of hair; how players on the opposite team won’t hug their old coach; how the Seahawks had no chance of making the playoffs, which led into how the Seahawks had no chance of beating the New Orleans Saints in the playoffs. Now, Pete Carroll has some choice words for everyone else to hear. “This is destiny. My dream to make it through to the end with my team this season has now become reality,” stated Carroll. “We’re going to the promised land, baby!”