Category: Sports
Nike Supplies New Shoes to Michael Vick
Philadelphia, PA: After playing in his first NFL game in over two and a half years, Michael Vick took his first steps towards what every professional athlete hopes to achieve: a full endorsement deal.
Again.
Sportswear giant NIKE™ has offered to supply Michael Vick with footwear to play in during football games. Due to Vick’s arrest on dog-fighting charges, NIKE™ has been quick to address the fact that this is not an endorsement deal.
Finger Bitten Off During Raider Bash
Thousand Oaks, CA: California authorities have stated that a clash between supporters and haters of the Oakland Raiders ended with one fan biting off another man’s finger.
Ventura County Sheriff’s Capt. Frank O’Hanlon said about 100 people were demonstrating in favor of signing a petition to gain power of attorney over Al Davis, who is severely afflicted with late stage Alzheimer’s, for purposes of taking him off life support and signing a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order. Davis, who before being found was last seen far from home walking the streets of Oakland dressed only in his custom made diapers embossed with the Raider logo (making him easy to identify), had repeatedly resisted attempts to send him to a nursing home.
Shaq to Attempt Career in the NBA
Cleveland, OH: Actor/rapper/social satirist Shaquille O’Neal announced this morning that, having attempted nearly every other career field known to man, he will begin in the fall to play professional basketball.
O’Neal, who is best known for his well-composed postings on Twitter, has had a varied career. Shaq’s first love, of course, was music; he has had a half-dozen releases, selling literally dozens of copies. He has spent time in Hollywood, starring in such blockbusters as Kazaam, Steel, and Scary Movie 4. When he was not able to demand the salary of a Harrison Ford or a Justin Long, he moved on. He has been a deputized law officer for some time, inspiring Steven Segal to enter into law enforcement himself.
Mets Welcome Santana to Hospital League
Flushing, NY: This week, the New York Mets finally took a step in a hopeful direction, as ace pitcher Johan Santana was placed on the disabled list for the remainder of the baseball season due to an elbow injury. With Santana joining the ranks of injured veterans and stars, the Mets are merely a catcher away from being a major contender for this year’s hospital wiffle-ball league.
At the beginning of the Major League Baseball season, it seemed as if the New York Mets would steam-roll through their division and be World Series contenders. This, of course, would have put them out of any contention to take the hospital wiffle-ball league crown, which can only be made up of current injured players.
New York Mets Host “Be A Met” Day
Flushing, NY: With a clubhouse rife with injuries, Major League Baseball’s New York Mets have put an idea into motion in order to lure new blood into the starting rotation. The plan: “Be A Met” Day.
At certain home games at Citifield, the Mets will enlist the first ten children, ages 14 and under, through the gates into playing for the team. These children would fullfill the starting rotation roles left open by Carlos Delgado, Jose Reyes, Carlos Beltran, Gary Sheffield, John Maine, Billy Wagner, and J. J. Putz, among other professional players currently on the disabled list.
U.S. Open Winner Concedes Title
Bethpage, NY: The 2009 U.S Open became a topic of discussion yesterday when champion Lucas Glover conceded the title to a fellow golfer. It became obvious that the concession was unavoidable as countless fans in attendance at the Bethpage Black Golf Course began to riot due to “unfair circumstances” in relation to their favorite golfer. The golfer in question, of course, was young Australian Matt Moore.
NIKE to Sue NBA for Not Rigging Playoffs
Cleveland, OH: This weekend, juggernaut sportswear company NIKE™ began proceedings to file lawsuits against the National Basketball Association, referees, players, coaches, fans, and mascots involved in the Eastern Conference Finals upset between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Orlando Magic, 4-2.
LeBron Summons Kazaam to Defeat Magic
Cleveland, OH: Both spectators and players at Quicken Loans Arena were treated to a surprise last night during Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals between the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Orlando Magic. In the midst of LeBron James’ recurring acts of throwing and clapping baby powder everywhere before a game, a genie appeared and helped lead the Cavs to a 112-102 victory over the Magic.
“The baby powder cascade has become a trademark of LeBron for some time, but this is the first time anything ever became out it,” stated Cleveland coach Mike Brown. “Besides the usual jeers from opponents and their fans.”
Michael Vick to Join PETA
Leavenworth, KS: Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been released from the federal prison in Leavenworth, Kansas, and will finish the last two months of his 23 month sentence for dogfighting under home confinement. Vick will travel to Hampton, Virginia, and is to begin working for a construction firm while waiting to hear whether or not the NFL plans to reinstate him after placing him on indefinite suspension after his conviction nearly two years ago.
Reportedly, Vick’s first plan is to stop at a pet store and see if he can locate a canine companion.
“It’s going to be lonely,” stated Vick, referring to being placed under house arrest. “I’m going to need a friend.”
McDaniels: ‘Cutler Hasn’t Returned My Texts’
Denver, CO: The battle of wills has entered into its third week in regards to Jay Cutler’s stand-off with newly appointed Broncos head coach, Josh McDaniels.
The circumstances began when Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler caught wind that McDaniels was feeling out a possible trade that would send Cutler out of Denver, and bring in McDaniels’ closeted lover, Matt Cassel, from the New England Patriots.
“Yes, I wanted Cassel to follow me to Denver. If it wasn’t for his miraculous hoisting of the Tom Brady mantle last season, I would have never gotten the head coaching position,” McDaniels stated.
