Category: Sports
Tebow to Copyright Jesus
Florham Park, NJ: Tim Tebow not only loves Jesus, he may actually have a monopoly on the creative license of Jesus. The pious backup quarterback of the New York Jets caused a stir for copyrights in regards to the Son of God when his lawyers sent a desist letter to a company, Chubby Tees, which was [...]
Baseball Team Forfeits Championship Because of a Girl
Phoenix, AZ: The Our Lady of Tears baseball team forfeited a championship game against Arizona Sun Preparatory School this past weekend because the second base man for Arizona Sun is, in fact, a woman. Phoebe Singer, 15, plays second base on the Arizona Sun baseball team because the school doesn’t have a softball team. Everyone—including [...]
Glass is Half Empty: The Decline of the Kansas City Royals
The Kansas City Royals look cheap. Maybe it’s the colors. Blue. White. Yellow. It is very reminiscent of something. Comparing the streaking Kansas City Royals to Wal-Mart may seem unfair to some but, in fairness to the fans, the people of Kansas City deserve a better product and spending more money may be the only [...]
Eli Manning to Host SNL as a Tree
New York, NY: With this weekend’s announcement that New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning will be hosting NBC’s Saturday Night Live on May 5th, fans, both of the show and Eli, became anxious about what this would mean. Would it be as wildly successful as Peyton Manning’s 2007 hosting duties that led to numerous commercials? [...]
Gronkowski Continues His Quest to Prove He Isn’t Straight
Kingston, RI: Rob Gronkowski, tight end for the New England Patriots, made another huge step toward both proving that he didn’t have sex with porn star Bibi Jones, and coming fully out of the closet. This step occurred yesterday at the University of Rhode Island, where Gronkowski played a game of “Fuck, Marry, Kill” on-stage [...]
Baseball Implements Steroid Clause to Re-Gain Interest
Spring has arrived. The sight of freshly mowed grass, the sound of the first crack of a bat and the smell of cracker jacks. Indeed, Major League Baseball is back, and with it, the spirit of change. Whether a subtle rule amendment, divisional realignment or basic player transactions, no MLB season is ever quite like [...]
Coach Calipari and Wildcats Eye Vacated Undefeated Season
Lexington, KY: Celebrations for The University of Kentucky’s first NCAA National Championship since 1998 continued into a third day Wednesday, as hundreds of thousands of fans, armed to the tooth, wildly donned bullet proof vests and cowered in shelters and under tables all over the blood-spattered city of Lexington. Not sharing in the celebrations however, [...]
Morris Claiborne, NFL Prospect, Unsure Who Wonderlic Is
Morris Claiborne, a highly touted cornerback from LSU who is destined to be a top-ten pick in this year’s NFL draft, is retarded. Claiborne, who is skilled on the field and is expected to be drafted early, scored a four on the Wonderlic test recently. Previously, the lowest score belonged to Vince Young, the mildly [...]
Tiger Woods Wins to Get Back Pride, Pimping Lifestyle
Orlando, FL: A Tiger Woods span of 923 days and 27 tournaments. No, this is not how long he’s held the #1 spot in the PGA. He lost that spot in October of 2010, now ranking a lowly #6. It had been 923 days and 27 tournaments since he won his last tournament, a drought [...]
Pettitte Re-Signs, Resigns, then Re-Signs Again with Yankees
Tampa, FL: The roster confusion within the New York Yankees continues, as perennial Yankee Andy Pettitte once again signed with the team, this time to a minor league deal with the possibility of being signed to a major league contract. The real confusion began in the realm of social media, as fans began to interchange [...]
