Stamford, CT: In honor of Earth Day, local complainer Sam Peterson recently registered his front yard with the National Park Service’s nature reserve program in order to protect the various flora and fauna that thrive on his lawn.
Put simply, “I had to find a way to keep the damn kids off my lawn, and spraying them with the garden hose wasn’t doing the job,” stated Mr. Peterson.
Washington, DC: After years of having his genius unrecognized, today perennial know-it-all Jim Wilson finally received his due: a Cabinet position. Speaking from the White House, Mr. Wilson said simply, “I knew it would happen.”
Previously, Mr. Wilson had worked in the IT department for a business in Seattle, Washington. The state of Washington is known to be a gathering point for such know-it-all establishments as indie music fans, Starbucks, and Microsoft, so it was no surprise that Mr. Wilson got his start in such a place.
Washington, DC: In his first act since the issuing of the National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive, George W. Bush has canceled the upcoming 2008 presidential election, citing a threat to democracy. The Commander-in-Chief issued a statement from the White House steps yesterday explaining his actions.
“The US population would be profoundly affected in the event of a presidential election in 2008. The introduction of a new administration would disrupt the current infrastructure. My ability to function as this great nation’s leader would be undermined on an extraordinary level. New policies regarding the environment and the economy may prove severely affective. These possibilities present a definite threat to the American way of life as we’ve come to know it over the past six years.”
CRAWFORD, TX: At a press conference today, President Bush vowed to veto any efforts to have him removed from office, now or in the foreseeable future. Speaking from a barcalounger at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President Bush told reporters that he would strike down any attempts to force him to make way for a new President. Bush said, “I have come to the decision that changing horses midstream is a terrible bad idea. And since this war on terror—a war that will not have an end in any real sense—continues, I must continue on as leader of the United States of America.”
WASHINGTON, D.C.- In the aftermath of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales’ testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Gonzales has come under intense scrutiny because of his lack of informational responses. He was being questioned regarding his removal of eight federal prosecutors, which he claimed was “justified.” He has, however, forgotten what that justification was.