Browsing: Politics

Politics
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New York, NY: Voters are in a frenzy today, as the public has learned that normal voting machines were replaced with more contemporary and complicated vote compilers.

While many past elections have used the lever puncher, oval fill-ins, and the occasional “write a name and put it in the box” techniques for counting votes, this election marks a larger surge of electronic polling systems. These range from touch-screen machines to building your own computer programming in C++ to complicated maneuvers on a Dance Dance Revolution dance-pad in order to log in your votes for president and local legislature.

Politics
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Washington DC: As political campaigns give their last push in these eight days leading up to Election Day, the McCain Camp is asking for extra time, and an extra debate in which both John McCain and Sarah Palin may be ready for. It has been coined Operation: Mudpie.

Operation: Mudpie is to be a final attack upon both presidential candidates, to let both parties continue their enjoyable mudslinging campaigns, but have it in the style of a debate. This is not to be confused with the actual past debates of this presidential campaign.

Whereas those debates were meant to focus on the candidates’ actual policies and turned into the candidates’ personal issues with each other such as “he’s a commie” and “he likes Bush,” this last debate would be nothing more than the canditates lambasting each other in a verbal free-for-all.

Politics
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Washington, DC: After viewing the second presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain Tuesday evening at the White House, currently forgotten President Bush set the ground work for his own campaign, one in which he would stress to the world that he is still in charge.

“There’s been a lot of speculation about who’s going to be the president of America, this country. Well, I can tell you who is the president right now. Go ahead, take a guess,” President Bush stated in a news conference on Friday. After conferring with an assistant, he answered, “That’s right, I’m in charge!”

Politics
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“Today we would like to address a growing concern on the part of the Obama/Biden campaign: what appears to be a growing trend in the satirical media to cover our opponents’ campaign, rather than our own. Everywhere you look, the McCain/Palin ticket is receiving the lion’s share of coverage. They dominate the opening portion of The Daily Show. Articles about Palin are all over The Onion’s website. Even the corpses that write for Saturday Night Live have re-animated long enough to churn out a couple of good skits about the GOP ticket.

Politics
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Oxford, MS: This past Friday, the entire free world witnessed the opening jabs, right-hooks, and over-all debate of Barack Obama and John McCain, the front-runners of the 2008 presidency of The United States.

The combatants brought to light their positions on many topics, such as foreign policy, the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, and energy solutions, all inter-looping into each other during their speeches until the candidates were detailing potential alternative energy by throwing stock-brokers into the Middle-Eastern desert to generate bio fuel. Most of these stances could easily be read on any 7-11 coffee cup.

Politics
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Washington, D.C. –An intern at the Smithsonian Institution has discovered the whereabouts of presidential hopeful John McCain’s birth certificate in the most unlikely of places – a spider’s web in the basement of the venerable institution’s research library.

Abigail Pressler, 25, was assigned the task of cleaning a corner of the basement when she noticed what appeared to be a ball of paper trapped in the center of a nearby spider web. Upon closer inspection, she noticed that the paper had an “aged” look to it.

“My curiosity got the best of me and I reached for the piece of paper,” said Ms. Pressler. “As I grabbed it, the black widow spider who constructed the web must have gotten upset at my intrusion because the petulant little monster sunk her fangs into my hand.”

Politics
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Washington, DC: In a recent poll of registered voters who own home phones, happen to be home in the evenings between Thursday and Sunday, were likely to vote in the next election, and spoke passable English, President Bush scored a 2% approval rating. While not an overwhelming statistic, the White House helpfully pointed out that the same poll gave an overall Congressional approval rating of 1%. Press Secretary Tony Snow, speaking from an undisclosed location known only to the President and Fox News, said, “This is obviously a mandate from the American people. They demand that Democrats in Congress put aside their ideas and get in line with what the President is doing. Whenever he figures out something to do other than shoot down Congress’ ideas.”

Politics
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For years, the President’s phone in the Oval Office has been a closely-guarded secret. Being the hotline to the most powerful person in the western world, it is naturally the greatest phone in the history of mankind(with the exception of Adam West’s Batman phone.) Even such powerful dignitaries as the Pope, the British Prime Minister, and Mike & Mike from ESPN Radio have been forbidden from using, taking pictures of, or even looking at the Presidential telephone.

However, the incredibly talented journalists here at the Inept Owl have been able to get the first known shot of the Commander-in-Chief’s phone. By using a brilliant combination of The Freedom of Information Act, a camera phone, and some well-timed boob-flashing, they were able to get the following photograph.

Politics
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Finally, after months of campaigning, online voting, and tons of jokes about Dennis Kucinich and Ron Paul(assuming he is really finished and Ralph Nader isn’t Ron Paul with color-treated hair), America has been given the Republican and Democratic Party’s top candidates for the 2008 election.

Politics
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Washington, DC: In an effort to improve his popularity rating as his second term dwindles to a close, President Bush delighted the nation by placing an embargo upon Adam Herz to stop him from releasing any future releases of American Pie spin-offs.

“I like comedy. Every good American should like to laugh, as long as it isn’t at me. And I liked the movie American Pie. It has ‘American’ in it, and people say ‘American as apple pie,’ so to me that’s pretty patriotic. But too much pie makes me need to use the bathroom. Which is like all these sequels. It’s too much pie,” President Bush stated in his press conference.

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