Category: Politics
Ron Paul Unveils New Slogan: Restore America, Eventually
Lake Jackson, TX: In a press release today, the Ron Paul 2012 campaign announced that their slogan would be changing from “Restore America Now” to “Restore America Eventually” in order to reflect the new direction of the campaign. A section of the press release is as follows: “As the Republican primary heads into its endgame, [...]
Gingrich Concedes He Didn’t Really Want Nomination Anyway
New York, NY: In a press conference on Friday, Newt Gingrich revealed that he wasn’t really that interested in becoming the Republican nominee to run against Obama in November. “It’s not about winning. It’s about principles.” The former House Speaker was quoted as saying. Gingrich has been hammering presumptive nominee Mitt Romney on his vague [...]
The 2012 Republican Debate in Florida: An Oblivious Pictorial Review
The second Republican debate in Florida was held yesterday, pitting the political powerhouses Mitt Romney, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, and some guy named Rick against each other in a battle of issues, relevancy, and for America. Those who viewed the podium bout were filled with questions, and hopefully were given answers, however I had an appointment to have my nose-hairs plucked out by a chicken, and could not be one of the audience. Luckily, the internet has a wide range of images depicting the debate from beginning to end, so I will explain what happened to the best of my abilities.
New Jersey Lobbies for Giants Super Bowl Parade to be Held on Turnpike
East Rutherford, NJ: A decades-long debate was reopened once again on Wednesday as New Jersey governor Chris Christie opened his big mouth without any intention of putting food in it. Instead, Gov. Christie let loose his beliefs that, if the New York Giants win this year’s Super Bowl, the parade should be held in New Jersey, and not Manhattan’s Canyon of Heroes. “They play in New Jersey,” Christie said on the “Today” show. “They train in New Jersey.” some players, such as quarterback Eli Manning, even live in New Jersey.
Mitt Romney Admits to Not Tying Dog to Roof for 2012 Campaign
Bedford, NH: Presidential campaign trails are full of the philosophies, hopes, and successes of those that are running. These sparks are what ignite the fuel within voters to inspire them to passionately vouch for, defend, and eventually vote for a candidate. Those same presidential trails are also full of mud,lack of judgement, and actions that may exhibit a flaw in character that could transcend into the management of the presidential office. Mitt Romney, leading the polls for the Republican Party candidate for the election of 2012, has had one of those flaws resurface again as reminders have begun popping up in newspapers, magazines and the internet.
Santorum Salad Invokes Proof of Unintelligent Design
Boone, IA: For years, the term “Santorum” had two meanings in the world, or at least the internet. One meaning had to do with the former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum. The other meaning had to do with the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex, thanks to SpreadingSantorum.com. While it cannot be confirmed that the two terms of Santorum are mutually exclusive, it can be assumed that the two terms at least have two different websites, thanks to Google. Now that the Iowa caucuses for Election 2012 have been completed, the spotlight has once again been focused on Santorum and its many meanings as Boone Pizza Ranch assistant manager Keith Prange has renamed his chicken salad dish “Santorum salad.”
Victory Over Sock Puppet Bolsters Rick Santorum in 2012 Election
Muscatine, IA: As the Iowa caucuses come to a close, Santorum finds himself climbing the polls. While some political pundits see this as the result of political missteps by other candidates, it is actually Santorum’s debate capabilities that have helped him on his quest to campaign legitimacy. Not debate prowess versus Michele Bachmann, nor Mitt Romnet, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, or Ron Paul, but his scathing debates against Libby, his sock-puppet sidekick.
Rick Perry Bus Mix-Up Starts Off Tour
Council Bluffs, IA: Texas Governor Rick Perry gave his presidential campaign a jump-start today with the beginning of a 42-city tour in Iowa in order to strengthen his bid during the Iowa caucuses. Unfortunately, the tour stalled for a moment, when on of Perry’s slick media transportation bus allegedly ran into electrical problems, forcing a replacement to be found. The replacement: a 2-tiered rainbow-colored British tour bus that public relations agents quickly draped with Rick Perry logos
Herman Cain Outed as Wrong Type of NRA Member
The fact remains that Herman Cain was a decision-making member of the NRA. Unfortunately, it is the wrong NRA to be a part of when campaigning under the umbrella of the Republican Party and its conservative views. Vocal conservative pundits have continued to gloss over how they use the term “NRA” when discussing Herman Cain, as they should. The NRA that Herman Cain belonged to was not the NationaL Rifle Association. It was, in fact, the National Restaurant Association.
Papa John to Enter Presidential Race
Louisville, KY: Bolstered by the success of former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain in early Republican polling, the founder of Papa John’s Pizza has decided to throw his hat into the presidential ring. “Papa John” Schnatter, the 50 year old pizza mogul, announced his decision from his company’s headquarters this morning. “It’s time that Americans stand up and demand what’s best for our country. It’s time for us to realize that we don’t want the CEO of the 8th best pizza chain being responsible for running our nation… we want the CEO from the 3rd best pizza chain running our nation!” he stated in a press release.
