Category: National
GPS Misdirects Man for 5 Days
Another life was saved from faulty electronics yesterday, as local authorities found a man in his car on the mountain roads of Montana, severely dehydrated and, more importantly, out of gas. What was most alarming to local sheriff Mitchell Upton was the license plate of the car was from Vermont.
“People from out of state rural areas generally don’t come to Montana. There’s not much to see that people from, say, Vermont, haven’t seen in their backyard already. There’s just more of it here. Initially, I thought it may be one of them hippies who chew peyote and dance around naked in our forests. But this man, he was dressed in a polo shirt. Huge giveaway. He was lost.”
When Chimps Revolt
Stamford, CT: This past week marked a turning point in human interaction with their simian friends, as a 200 pound chimpanzee named Travis did his best Britany Spears impression by vandalizing cars, attacking strange women, and daring the police to stop him.
Homes for Wayward Homes
President Barack Obama has turned his attention to another action on his “Taking Care of Business” policy list by further examining the mortgage crisis, which has played an alarming part in the current global economic situation.
At the present moment, the influx of mortgage failures and the business of trading the interests of these defaults has left countless houses in a state of turmoil and, essentially, homelessness. These houses become wards of banks, or even the state, which must then care for them as if they were their own.
What About the Birds?
With all the hoopla surrounding US Airways Flight 1549 landing safely in the Hudson River, no one has mentioned the parallel tragedy that took place at the same time: dead birds. And not just any dead birds. It has been confirmed that the birds that took out both engines of Flight 1549 were from a flock of Canadian Geese.
In recent studies conducted at the Case Western Ornithological Masters Studies program, Canadian Geese (Branta canadensis) were found to have the IQ similar to that of orangutans and some chimpanzees. These amazing birds were able to learn and respond to commands such as ‘sit’, ‘stay’, ‘fly’, and ‘poop’ after only 3 days of training and coaching.
Secret Service Unveils New Limo for Obama
At a White House press conference this morning, Secret Service staff revealed the new limo that will be used to transport Barack Obama from place to place. Dubbed the “Changemobile,” it represents not only the most cutting-edge technology in communication and protection, but also in the use of “green” technology.
Special Agent Cole Trickle, who will be Obama’s assigned driver, gave a demonstration of the car’s capabilities. “It has everything the modern President could ask for,” said Trickle. “It’s got a USB jack for his iPod, Bluetooth capability for his cell phone, and DVD players in the headrests. If he wants to check his Hotmail, the car has a secure wi-fi connection. It’s basically like having a Starbucks on wheels.”
Scientist Links Smoking to Lung Cancer
After fifty years of research, scientists at Eastern West Virginia Community and Technical College believe that they have finally discovered a possible side effect to smoking – lung cancer. Though the connection was made in the early 1950s by a number of other scientists, and has been consistently proven to be true by countless other scientists over the past half century, the researchers at this small town community college were not convinced.
“We don’t believe nothin’ anybody else tells us,” says Dr. Wilbert Clopes, the research team leader. “All those city folk think they can tell us whatever they like and we’re just gonna believe it. Like, the whole man on the moon business? Lord knows it ain’t possible to get no man on a moon. So we do our own research around these parts and it turns out that those city boys just might be right this time.”
Mark Fuhrman to Auction Off Bloody Gloves
Orenthal James Simpson was recently sentenced to nine years in prison for robbing men in a motel room who were selling football memorabilia of the same “O.J.” Simpson. Unfortunately for Mr. Simpson, no-one was killed in robbery, which led to actual witnesses of the crime and an eventual guilty charge by a jury of his peers in Las Vegas, Nevada.
When asked about why he would conspire to hold up these men when any residuals he would possibly receive would go directly to Fred Goldman and family, Mr. Simpson explained, “Those b*tches stole my sh*t!”
Over-Eating Believed to Cause Weight Gain
Researchers at UCLA Medical Center believe that they have discovered a possible cause for the country’s skyrocketing obesity rate – overeating. For years, scientists and overweight people have been working on devising numerous theories behind weight gain, blaming everything from glandular disorders to fatty acid deficiency, as well as countless other purported causes. Dr. Richard “Dick” Whittingham, the head of the research team, discounts those theories as “mostly hogwash.”
“We truly believe that the majority of those who are overweight are the way they are because they, well, eat too much,” he claims. “If your normal dinner consists of three Big Macs, a Tombstone Pizza, and a half gallon of ice cream, don’t be surprised if you gain weight. And don’t look for other reasons as to why you’re morbidly obese. The truth is in your fridge.”
Researchers Concerned About Manpris Activity
Scientists in the nation’s capital are concerned with the drastic increase of “manpris” (Capri pants for men) sightings across the U.S. in recent months. Many believe that the fashion faux pas is a sign of worse things to come – “Davy Dukes” (extremely short shorts for men) being one of many disturbing fads with the possibility of making a splash across the country in the near future .
“We just don’t understand this,” said Dr. Henry Shill of Georgetown University. “The number of men wearing Capri pants is sensationally disturbing.”
Protesters Attack Columbus Day
Protesters of the Columbus Day Parade in New York rallied together today in order to express their disgust at what the idea of Christopher Columbus means to many Americans.
Floats in which supporters of Columbus spent hard-earned time and money on were desecrated as they travelled Columbus Circle, as protestors hurled books related to Columbus, as well as red paint and toilet paper.
