Category: National
World War Z Begins with Miami Zombie Attack
Miami, FL: What has been pop culture myth and a horror film focus has quickly become reality, as zombie-like attacks have begun surfacing in Miami, Florida. The latest involved a homeless man, Rudy Eugene, who was found naked and eating off the face of another man on a highway ramp. When confronted by police officers, [...]
Dragon Lands In Space: NASA Takes As Much Credit As Possible
ISS, SPACE: This past Friday, the privately funded Dragon SpaceX Rocket, literally the taxicab of the stars, docked with the International Space Station, and NASA was right there to take the credit. “Without our launch pad, they would have had to go somewhere else and I don’t know if you can tell but look around, [...]
Scientists Discover Sex may be Good for your Health
Las Vegas, NV: A recent report published by the National Institute of Health (NIH) has provided evidence that regular intercourse may be good for you. This report came after an exhaustive series of taxpayer-funded studies investigating the benefits of sex according to the foremost experts: lab scientists. “It really is a breakthrough,” insisted Dr. McCulloch [...]
Baseball Team Forfeits Championship Because of a Girl
Phoenix, AZ: The Our Lady of Tears baseball team forfeited a championship game against Arizona Sun Preparatory School this past weekend because the second base man for Arizona Sun is, in fact, a woman. Phoebe Singer, 15, plays second base on the Arizona Sun baseball team because the school doesn’t have a softball team. Everyone—including [...]
Local Idiot Misunderstands Garage Sale
Springfield, OH: A normal garage sale on a normal neighborhood block turned into mayhem this past weekend, as local Springfield resident Nicholas Glunt learned what a garage sale really is, the hard way. Mr. Glunt had purchased his first home in November of last year, so this would be the first garage sale that he [...]
Slighted Man Adds Ex’s Hoo-Ha to Foursquare
New York, NY: Spring is a time of rejuvenation, a time when “a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love”, as Alfred Lord Tennyson put it. Unfortunately, the reciprocation of that fancy and love usually leaves an ex-boyfriend on the short end of Spring. This problem was apparent for Douglas Garrett, whose jealousy [...]
Man Depressed by Valentine from Mother
Los Angeles, CA: It didn’t take long for David Platt to feel the sharp blade of Valentine’s Day cut away the last bits of his self-esteem. What had begun as a routine trip outside to get the mail after work quickly became the challenge to endure melancholia, for when Mr. Platt reached into his mailbox and pulled out that handful of mail, he also pulled something out unexpected. That something was a crisp, pink, sealed envelope addressed to one David Platt and his home residence, with no return address. “I can’t deny that I was excited,” stated Mr. Platt. “I don’t usually get valentines. The last time I did I had to pay $50, and I only got to keep her for five minutes.”
Punxsutawney Phil Predicts More Winter: Pennsylvanians Stock Up on Sunblock
Punxsutawney, PA: Once again, our furry meteorologists have poked their heads out into the world for the sole purpose of telling us when to expect winter to be over. This time, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, forecasting 6 more weeks of winter. Pennsylvanians on location cheered, and proceeded to set up lawn chairs and umbrellas in order to begin preparing for the long winter.
Dick Clark Sucks 20 Years out of Ryan Seacrest for NYE 2012
New York, NY: For 40 years, Dick Clark has been a staple of the New Year’s Eve celebration as his New Year’s Rockin Eve show played in a majority of East Coast homes in the United States as both a party backdrop and as a timer for the new year. Clark’s legacy seemed unending, almost immortal, as he survived American Bandstand, Pyramid, a lip-synch performance by Miami Sound Machine, and, finally, a stroke. Finally the truth came out during New Year’s Rockin Eve 2012, as footage of Ryan Seacrest showed that the perpetually 24 year old celebrity seemed to have aged at least 20 years since last year’s festivities.
Ohio Man Has Never Heard Mariah Carey Christmas Songs
Berea, OH: Earlier this week, scientists made a one-of-a-kind discovery: a man who has never once listened to a Christmas carol performed by singer Mariah Carey. At a press release in Berea, Dr. Jim Foxentrot, head of the Christmas and Related Events of Yule branch of the Benevolent League of Winter Scientists (CAREY-BLOWS) revealed a glimpse of the rare beast to the public.
