Browsing: National

National
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Families with homes along the Ohio River woke up this morning, shocked to find their backyards covered in water.

Due to greater-than-average snowfall, followed by greater-than-average rainfall, the Ohio River has grown to surprisingly greater-than-average levels. Entire communities have become flooded as the waters have continued to rise over the past few days. Sandbags are in short supply, as are Wet-Vacs, oars, and dry underpants.

National
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They’re not just for wealthy eccentrics anymore. The police department of the City of Long Beach has jumped on the latest trend for slow travel with minimal perspiration. Last week boardwalk patrols were outfitted with Segway® personal transporters. These glamorized electric scooters have been popping up everywhere since their invention in 2001, from cities to paved trails through the park.

These scooters are two-wheeled, using a gyroscope to balance as well as adjust its direction and speed based on the rider’s body motion. Police officers nationwide are now using them in place of the tiresome bicycle in areas such as city streets, boardwalks, and parks, as well as any other public space where you don’t have to go too fast while dodging through groups of people. By using these chariots of the incredibly obnoxious, it is hoped that officers will be able to catch shop-lifters and drunken bums without having to break a sweat, with only the cost of five thousand dollars per unit.

National
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Visitors of Central Park were caught up in a nightmare Sunday as F-16 Fighting Falcons were deployed and shot down a plane flying in restricted airspace. The pilot of the rogue plane, 8 year old James Foldrieg, was guiding his wooden, rubber-band propelled glider to what local authorities assume was The Metropolitan Museum of Art, his target.

Capt. Reginald Watson was radioed about the renegade plane during his flight from the McGuire Air Force Base in New Jersey, and promptly sighted and shot it down using AIM-120 missiles. “The little wooden glider took evasive maneuvers, which enabled it to dodge my first AAM. I re-engaged the glider, and my second shot was dead on. I’m just glad there weren’t more casualties then necessary,” Capt. Watson explained.

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