Browsing: National

National
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Orenthal James Simpson was recently sentenced to nine years in prison for robbing men in a motel room who were selling football memorabilia of the same “O.J.” Simpson. Unfortunately for Mr. Simpson, no-one was killed in robbery, which led to actual witnesses of the crime and an eventual guilty charge by a jury of his peers in Las Vegas, Nevada.

When asked about why he would conspire to hold up these men when any residuals he would possibly receive would go directly to Fred Goldman and family, Mr. Simpson explained, “Those b*tches stole my sh*t!”

National
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Researchers at UCLA Medical Center believe that they have discovered a possible cause for the country’s skyrocketing obesity rate – overeating. For years, scientists and overweight people have been working on devising numerous theories behind weight gain, blaming everything from glandular disorders to fatty acid deficiency, as well as countless other purported causes. Dr. Richard “Dick” Whittingham, the head of the research team, discounts those theories as “mostly hogwash.”

“We truly believe that the majority of those who are overweight are the way they are because they, well, eat too much,” he claims. “If your normal dinner consists of three Big Macs, a Tombstone Pizza, and a half gallon of ice cream, don’t be surprised if you gain weight. And don’t look for other reasons as to why you’re morbidly obese. The truth is in your fridge.”

National
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Scientists in the nation’s capital are concerned with the drastic increase of “manpris” (Capri pants for men) sightings across the U.S. in recent months. Many believe that the fashion faux pas is a sign of worse things to come – “Davy Dukes” (extremely short shorts for men) being one of many disturbing fads with the possibility of making a splash across the country in the near future .

“We just don’t understand this,” said Dr. Henry Shill of Georgetown University. “The number of men wearing Capri pants is sensationally disturbing.”

National
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Protesters of the Columbus Day Parade in New York rallied together today in order to express their disgust at what the idea of Christopher Columbus means to many Americans.

National
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Geraldo Rivera gives us the harrowing story of an emergency worker that was, for some reason, IN THE WATER!!! Luckily, the boat he hopped out of and was attached to him via lifeline was there to “save” him.

National
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Residents of the city of Atlanta were stunned yesterday as federal relief vehicles rolled into the heart of the city loaded with food, water, medicine, and other emergency supplies such as blankets, batteries, and miniature American flags. The disaster relief was directly instituted by President George Bush himself.

The mayor of Atlanta, Shirley Franklin, publicly thanked President Bush for his help, as unnecessary as it was. “I’m not too sure why the federal government felt the need to supply us with so many amenities. Maybe they thought we had become melancholy and unproductive since our lovable baseball team, the Atlanta Braves, went into a losing streak. In any event, we thank President Bush for his generosity,” stated the mayor.

National
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After a little less than a week of skepticism, wonderment, and downright ignorance, it is now believed by the general scientific community that the alleged “Montauk Monster” that has gripped the imagination of a few random people may actually be forgotten pseudo-actor Luke Perry.

The specimen was allegedly first discovered by a group of twenty-something-aged women who coincidentally all work for various marketing agencies. “I heard all this shrieking just off the shore, and I came running. I found a group of people all talking about some freakish-looking thing that washed ashore. Of course, I didn’t see it for myself because they said some weirdo in a lab coat and goggles came by with a cart and took it away, but I bet it looked horrible up close. I’ve seen the pictures, anyway,” commented Montauk resident John Kiel.

National
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After 27 years, a Knoxville man actually completely finished off his “honey-do” list. He celebrated the accomplishment by taking a guilt-free Sunday afternoon nap for the first time in decades.

“Well, it wasn’t easy,” said James Davis, 53. “But after the first 15 years, I started getting smart. First, I ripped out all the grass and turned everything into flowerbeds, so there was no grass to mow. I planted perennials, so I wouldn’t have to go back and plant new stuff every year. And I actually salted the earth everywhere there wasn’t a plant, to make sure no weeds—or anything else—ever grew in those areas.”

National
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This afternoon, the American Psychological Association awarded local woman Angie Parsons a degree in pop psychology, despite her having taken just two college courses in psychology.

“This is an amazing honor, and one I completely deserve,” said Ms. Parsons. “While I may not have any knowledge based in academia or research, I’ve spent enough time gathering information from other sources to warrant my B.S.”

Barely News
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Recently it has been learned that four members of The Inept Owl staff had been born within two days of each other. Although the ages and birthplaces are different, it is quite plausible that the writers John O’Rourke, Darby Shaw, Rick Bernardo, and editor Patrick Emmel may have had parents involved in cult orgies the likes of the Manson Family or the Branch Davidian, and may have shared one, if not both, parents.

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