Browsing: National

National
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Bill O’Reilly, who has been known to spew absurdities such as “gay marriage will lead to interspecies marriage,” has been exposed as an “attic homosexual.”

This revelation was brought to light as O’Reilly was seen exiting Mt. Sinai Hospital after a brief period of infirmity. O’Reilly, a frequent critic of homosexuals and homosexuality, had no comment at this time and called these allegations “preposterous” and “gay.”

National
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In a study recently released by researchers at Yale University, it was revealed that nine out of every ten people in the United States are spending the equivalent of a forty hour work week in front of the television. The study attempted to prove that extensive television viewing has negative health effects, namely stupidity. This realization is alarming to many of the nation’s intellectuals.

“Forty hours a week? My god!” exclaimed Patrick Limmel, an American Literature Professor at New York University. “No wonder there are so many idiots.”

Barely News
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Bend, OR: The normally simple holiday of Mother’s Day was turned on its head for well-wishers of a certain family.

Visitors to the home of Thomas Beatie(aka that “pregnant man” that was born Tracy Lagondino) and Nancy Beatie will have the nerve-shattering job of deciding who to wish a “Happy Mother’s Day” to on this first Mother’s Day for the household.

National
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The clash of the media titans had officially begun last week, as two opinionated political baiters began a humorous(to almost everyone else) silent debate on the use of waterboarding as a practice for interrogation.

Notable conservative mouth-runner Sean Hannity, after deciding on-air that waterboarding “is as much torture as when Rush Limbaugh served me tossed salad after a bowel movement,” continued to make himself look even more idiotic by stating that he would let himself be waterboarded for charity.

National
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Another life was saved from faulty electronics yesterday, as local authorities found a man in his car on the mountain roads of Montana, severely dehydrated and, more importantly, out of gas. What was most alarming to local sheriff Mitchell Upton was the license plate of the car was from Vermont.

“People from out of state rural areas generally don’t come to Montana. There’s not much to see that people from, say, Vermont, haven’t seen in their backyard already. There’s just more of it here. Initially, I thought it may be one of them hippies who chew peyote and dance around naked in our forests. But this man, he was dressed in a polo shirt. Huge giveaway. He was lost.”

Barely News
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Stamford, CT: This past week marked a turning point in human interaction with their simian friends, as a 200 pound chimpanzee named Travis did his best Britany Spears impression by vandalizing cars, attacking strange women, and daring the police to stop him.

National
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President Barack Obama has turned his attention to another action on his “Taking Care of Business” policy list by further examining the mortgage crisis, which has played an alarming part in the current global economic situation.

At the present moment, the influx of mortgage failures and the business of trading the interests of these defaults has left countless houses in a state of turmoil and, essentially, homelessness. These houses become wards of banks, or even the state, which must then care for them as if they were their own.

National
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With all the hoopla surrounding US Airways Flight 1549 landing safely in the Hudson River, no one has mentioned the parallel tragedy that took place at the same time: dead birds. And not just any dead birds. It has been confirmed that the birds that took out both engines of Flight 1549 were from a flock of Canadian Geese.

In recent studies conducted at the Case Western Ornithological Masters Studies program, Canadian Geese (Branta canadensis) were found to have the IQ similar to that of orangutans and some chimpanzees. These amazing birds were able to learn and respond to commands such as ‘sit’, ‘stay’, ‘fly’, and ‘poop’ after only 3 days of training and coaching.

National
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At a White House press conference this morning, Secret Service staff revealed the new limo that will be used to transport Barack Obama from place to place. Dubbed the “Changemobile,” it represents not only the most cutting-edge technology in communication and protection, but also in the use of “green” technology.

Special Agent Cole Trickle, who will be Obama’s assigned driver, gave a demonstration of the car’s capabilities. “It has everything the modern President could ask for,” said Trickle. “It’s got a USB jack for his iPod, Bluetooth capability for his cell phone, and DVD players in the headrests. If he wants to check his Hotmail, the car has a secure wi-fi connection. It’s basically like having a Starbucks on wheels.”

National
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After fifty years of research, scientists at Eastern West Virginia Community and Technical College believe that they have finally discovered a possible side effect to smoking – lung cancer. Though the connection was made in the early 1950s by a number of other scientists, and has been consistently proven to be true by countless other scientists over the past half century, the researchers at this small town community college were not convinced.

“We don’t believe nothin’ anybody else tells us,” says Dr. Wilbert Clopes, the research team leader. “All those city folk think they can tell us whatever they like and we’re just gonna believe it. Like, the whole man on the moon business? Lord knows it ain’t possible to get no man on a moon. So we do our own research around these parts and it turns out that those city boys just might be right this time.”

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