Browsing: International

Barely News
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Dr. Haggis O’Connell, renowned professor of European Studies at Harvard University, has discovered ancient texts revealing a surprising secret: the celebration of St. Patrick’s Day once related to a hero of folklore from abroad.

International
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In the results of a study released late last week, scientists have confirmed a shocking discovery: people with fat necks are considered biologically fat.

Before now, there were other visual flags confirming that someone was, or was capable of being, fat. For instance, a bulbous lower abdomen on a human male or female, that is not dismissed by pregnancy, could be considered fat; the apparent joining of a human’s calf to his or her ankle, aptly named “cankles” by some of the most distinguished minds in the medical field, could put a person up for consideration as fat; ever present residue of condiments, such as mustard, ketchup, or maple syrup, even during non-meal times, on the subject’s shirt or seat of their pants or muumuu, could be a basis of consideration for fatness.

International
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A British boffin has caused controversy this week with his new theory on the dangers of drugs. Professor David J. Nutt, writing in the Journal of Psychopharmacology, has stated that, according to statistics, one is more likely to die from riding a horse than from taking Ecstasy.

Apparently, one out of every three hundred and fifty horse related accidents results in severe injury or death. This compares to the figures for Ecstasy use, where the risk of harm is only one in ten thousand.

International
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The situation in Gaza Strip has alarmed the globe. Hamas radicals have fired Katyusha rockets into the nation of Israel after the Israeli demolition of trade tunnels used to transport munitions, the Israeli military re-responded with air-strikes and a ground assault into Gaza Strip, and everyone has egg on their face.

The United Nations and the United States have failed to negotiate a cease-fire between Israel and Hamas. Now, their only hope for peace rests in the hands of 24 star Jack Bauer.

International
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During the New Year’s Eve festivities at the illustrious Times Square of Manhattan, many international tourists were confused by the joint hosts, Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest. The confusion laid in which host was stroke survivor Dick Clark, the mumbling elderly gentleman sitting at a desk on the JumboTron, or the young blonde gentleman speaking way too loudly into his microphone while flinching at brightly colored lights.

International
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Three of the six major airlines in the United States plan to boost profits in an effort to offset the nation’s struggling economy. In an unusual move, the airlines, Delta, AirTran, and USAirways recently collaborated on creating new business strategies. They plan to experiment in select major hubs across the United States by charging coach passengers for more than just checked bags, seat selections, and food and beverage services.

International
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A beleaguered President Bush, running out of time in his lame-duck office term but eager to start up another international conflict, has reinstated the draft in order to boost the ranks of the military. However, the new draft is aimed at a single organization: the Salvation Army.

When asked about the move, the President said, “Just look at the name: Salvation Army. Army, as in soldiers. Salvation, as in Christian soldiers. Just the kind of thing we need to take out those godless foreign aggressors in… where am I sending them? Iraq? Afghanistan? Iran? Yeah, Iran. That’s it.”

International
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After thirteen years and an estimated 3.2 to 6.4 billion pounds(British currency), physicists from around the globe gathered at an undisclosed area around the border of France and Switzerland(yes, I have no idea where I am as I compose this article) to be present as the Large Hadron Collider was turned on for a test run in order to cook a ham and cheese Hot-Pocket®.

International
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Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper to dissolve facade surrounding the Canadian Government, with hilarious consequences.

In what was originally dubbed a move to solidify power in his party’s minority government status, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper dissolved his nation’s parliament only to discover that they were still actually a monarchy under the authority of Queen Elizabeth II of England.

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