Category: International
St. Joseph, Baby Jesus’ Adoptive Father, Tired of Being Ignored
Galilee, ISRAEL: St. Joseph, husband of Mary and adoptive father of Jesus H. Christ, wants to make it known that he is “sick and tired of being ignored.” According to St. Joseph, he is rarely mentioned in bible passages and hasn’t been prominently featured on a Hallmark Christmas Card since 1988. “What a crock of [...]
Canada Nixes Penny; US to Reintroduce Half Cent
Toronto, Canadialand—Today, the Canadian government announced a decision to no longer use the Canadian penny. Due to inflation, a lack of coin purses, and the fact that Coinstar charges more to count a penny than one gets to cash it in, the Canadian finance minister Jim Flaherty said it was no longer sensible to mint the copper coins.
German Chancellor Loses St. Pauli Girl Wet T-Shirt Contest
Demmin, GERMANY: Confusion struck the nation of Germany, and indeed the world, when Chancellor Angela Merkel was doused in beer during a Christian Democratic Union meeting last week. What had seemed to be blatant clumsiness of a waiter around one of the most stoic and cold political leaders in Europe seemed to be a blessing, as Chancellor Merkel did not have the waiter, known as Martin, beheaded, but merely shrugged the incident off and drank her beer.
Elf On The Shelf Found Dead
Tragedy has struck the holiday season, as an elf on the shelf at the Madison famiy residence was found mutilated in front of the living room fireplace early this morning.
Music Artist/Dictator Kim Jong-il Dies Amid Speculation
Pyongyang, NORTH KOREA: The highly possible, thought to have already happened and covered up by the use of body-doubles, has supposedly happened: North Korean dictator/rap artist/movie director/aviator trend-setter has passed away. The official reports state that Kim suffered a heart attack while riding a train on Dec. 17, and died of complications. However, many are under the suspicion that the East Coast VS West Coast cold war that escalated this past decade may have led to the demise. The news came as suddenly as any other seemingly doctored news that comes out of North Korea, as media reports from the country are alluding to the possibility that the rap feud between the United States and North Korea had something to do with “Dear Leader’s” death.
Tommy Lee Jones Reportedly Killed in Libya
Sirte, LIBYA: The world lost a legend today, as Libyan revolutionary forces surrounded the village of Sirte in a man-hunt for Tommy Lee Jones, who allegedly died in a shoot-out between the opposing forces. Witnesses confirmed that they saw the tall, elderly gentleman with Aviators enter a tunnel in the town, and did not emerge after a group of armed revolutionaries entered.
Local Idiot Prepares for Canadian Thanksgiving
New York, NY: The holiday season is gearing up for its launch as Halloween looms closer. For one citizen, the holiday season is already here, as Paul Emmerlan prepares to celebrate his first Canadian Thanksgiving. “I have a housemate from Canada, so this will be the first time I’ll be celebrating a Canadian Thanksgiving,” stated Mr. Emmerlan. “I guess she was a bit upset that most people weren’t off for her holiday. Sure, it’s Columbus Day, too, but who really celebrates that?”
Hurricane Irene to Strike Greenland with a Vengeance
Quaqortoq, GREENLAND: The path of hurricane Irene has been set to ride the mid to north-eastern coast of the United States, causing residents to panic in their own ways. However, the citizens of one particular region have felt neglected ever since learning how close they would be to the path of devastation: southwest Greenland. In the closing hours before Hurricane Irene would move out to sea, the eye of the storm would be passing close to 300 miles away from Cape Farewell, the southern-most tip of Greenland ,leading to possible rain showers and winds up to 15 miles an hour.
Austrian Atheist Breaks Dane Cook Punchline Record
Vienna, AUSTRIA: For years, the wince-enticing entertainer known has Dane Cook has held a record that few believed was sought after, much less able to be broken. That record is for the longest wait to a punchline for a joke in a public forum. Now, the record has finally been broken, as Austrian citizen Niko Alm extended the wait for a punchline to 3 years
News Sources Report on Death of Armin Van Buuren
Washington, DC: It is all but official. After being on the minds of the American public for almost 10 years after the terrorist activities he masterminded from across the Atlantic Ocean, the world’s leading terrorist threat has been eliminated. According to correspondents at The Inept Owl, Armin Van Buuren is dead.
