Welcome to our Advice Column! Here we will answer those age-old questions such as, “Why doesn’t he love me?” and “What should I do when my ass itches in a public place?”
Send your questions in to askanowl@theineptowl.com and you are guaranteed to get the answer as we find it.
Mr. Owl,
I’m down to the wire on thinking of a gift for my girlfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for 4 months, so it’s tricky to think of a gift that suits the time. Please help!
Apparently my holiday gift response here at Ask An Owl was lost to you. Either that, or you honestly believe I may have had a miraculous recovery in my gift-giving abilities after being trained by gift-giving ninjas on the mountain peaks of ancient Japan after taking a DeLorean back in time with said song Back In Time stuck on a loop. Unfortunately, this is not the case. However, I will give you an answer. Should you use this advice, I take no responsibility for what may happen unless you happen to get laid. If you do, please let me know so that I may try to use my own advice. Possibly on your girlfriend.
Who knows why the sun shines on empty? To figure out who in their right mind would even think of such a question and, by default, who would know the answer, we must first answer the question, “Why does the sun shine on empty?” This question then begs another question: “When does the sun shine on empty?” Please, put away the psychedelic mushrooms. We can get through this.
Your fear of radiation, while probably well intended, is faulted. There is nothing wrong with having a few thousand rems flash through your body. Some say, “Oh, but I live in Japan! I was one of the plant crew that stayed around while the core melted our skin off!” To those critics, I say, “Well you’re still alive. Surely radiation must have helped with that!”
I was wondering how much of the newer, wide-spread pole dancing “exercising” classes were becoming so popular with moms. Are they really trying to lose weight, or are they trying to let out their inner slut, which they can’t do as much being a mother.
-Curious Nykki
Did you survive the relationship gauntlet of the holidays? Ask an Owl goes over the pitfalls for Valentine’s Day.
With New Year’s Eve just around the corner, I’m feeling a bit lonely, as well as sexually frustrated. I know that the holidays are usually a bad time to get a relationship started, but is it at least semi-safe to invite someone new to a New Year’s Eve party?
Dear Mr. Owl,
It has come to my attention that a certain other satirical news website, which portrays a piece of produce as its symbol, has a shirt depicting an owl’s head with the phrase, “Owls Are Assh*les.”
Is this other website at war with The Inept Owl? Is there some sort of bad blood, some dramarama?
Dear Owl,
How would Rosie O’Donnell’s life had been if she was a woman in the workplace?
Dear Owl,
I have a problem that I’m hoping you can help solve. I’m addicted to ‘Full House,’ that wonderful show that aired from 1987 to 1995 on ABC. I’ve seen every episode (192) at least fifteen times and also have read the Full House Stephanie book series (33 books total) so many times that the ink has rubbed off of the pages.
Mr. Owl,
I’ve recently been accepted into the college of my choice, and I really want to write for a living, preferrably screenplays or novels, something with artistic substance, but with some commercial value. What should I do in college to prep for this?