Stamford, CT: This past week marked a turning point in human interaction with their simian friends, as a 200 pound chimpanzee named Travis did his best Britany Spears impression by vandalizing cars, attacking strange women, and daring the police to stop him.
Los Angeles, CA: Citing disrespect, the stifling of artistry rights, and public humiliation, Peter Gabriel, the former frontman of the British pop band Genesis, now destined to write screen jingles and release “Greatest Hits” albums and DVDs, has pulled out of the 2009 Academy Awards.
Tampa Bay, FL: During a press conference, after his performance at Super Bowl XLIII’s Half-Time Show and before he was carted away in an ambulance, Bruce Springsteen answered questions by his detractors about his “losing the skill to rock.” The focus was on his knee slide across the stage and into a camera-man during the performance.
Reykjavik, ICELAND: Iceland’s president, Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, held a press conference this morning with international journalists to state for the record that Iceland is indeed a country.
In a piece of news not wholly unexpected, Tony Dungy, head football coach of the Indianapolis Colts, retired Sunday after a 13 year coaching career. Dungy began his head coaching career with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after a successful run as defensive coach and defensive coordinator for the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Minnesota Vikings.
However, in a stunning turn of events, President-Elect Barack Obama has been fielding many calls of congratulations on his “coaching career.” This seems to confirm the age old ‘they all look the same’ narrow-mindedness that was pervasive in the 1950s.
The shortlist for the 2008 Turner Prize has been announced by Tate Britain, and as expected, features random items of tat, stuck together with sticky-tape and dumped in a large room.
Recently it has been learned that four members of The Inept Owl staff had been born within two days of each other. Although the ages and birthplaces are different, it is quite plausible that the writers John O’Rourke, Darby Shaw, Rick Bernardo, and editor Patrick Emmel may have had parents involved in cult orgies the likes of the Manson Family or the Branch Davidian, and may have shared one, if not both, parents.
Groundhog Day had a confusing reading by Punxsutawney Phil today as the rodent of revelation never left his hole and is presumed dead.
In light of the strike being upheld by The Writers Guild of America, the yearly Golden Globe Awards had cancelled its lavish dinner and receiving of the awards bestowed upon the artists of the film industry. NBC had suffered a huge blow, being unable to broadcast Ellen DeGeneres wandering around the stage, and seeing Will Smith and Tom Cruise joined at the hip and cheering for fraternity brother John Travolta as he ascended the stage dressed in drag. It was a dark day for television.
However, new plans have been developed to keep the audience entertained. The International Ballroom of The Beverly Hilton will be replaced by NBC’s janitorial closet. The broadcasting company will be airing the stuffing of envelopes and addressing of packages for six hours, with the occasional commercial break.