Browsing: Barely News

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Stop the presses, Brett Favre says, “It’s not my penis!”

When Favre explained this to ESPN, we were listening. But we wanted details. What about the watch? The voice messages? Well, everything can be easily explained away, Favre says.

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It is official: Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino, who rose to prominence as a cast member on MTV’s ‘The Jersey Shore”, has been voted as the least talented and most annoying celebrity in a recent poll conducted by researchers at the Carnegie Insitutute. Nearly ten thousand randomly chosen people, whose ages ranged from 12-91, were selected for the poll and came to the overwhelming conclusion (97% to be exact) that The Situation’s fame is absurd.

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On June 18, 1919, during the signing of the treaty of Versailles, Germany agreed to pay reparations as compensation for bringing war to the nations of Europe and causing the deaths of 10 million soldiers. After nearly 92 years of hemming and hawing, the Germans have finally, albeit grudingly, paid the full amount of 132 billion Marks. In 2010 terms, this amount is supposedly assessed at 382 billion (US) dollars. But some economists aren’t so sure.

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Austin, TX: Conservative-leaning education leaders in Texas are pushing for a resolution that would denounce social studies textbooks as biased against Christianity and offering glorified views of the Islam faith, which, according to many in the clearly lacking Texas school system, “ain’t nothin’ more than a religion followed by terrorists, arabs, Osama Bin Laden, Cat Stevens, President Obama, and communists.”

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John Mayer, Phish-tour fanatic turned singer/songwriter, announced yesterday that he would be cancelling his Twitter account. The statement, which was only announced on Twitter and miraculously disappeared moments after the John Mayer account was closed, left his apparent 3.7 million fans in limbo. This is especially true for fans who had not logged into their Twitter account all day, a questionable, but apparently normal activity.

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Internetland: Britney Spears’ musings were once the most followed on Twitter. With an estimated 5,674,443 followers, Spears was, until recently, the unabashed queen of useless internet ramblings. That appears to have changed over the weekend, however.

Lady Gaga, formerly known as Steve Johnson, has dethroned Ms. Spears in a hard-fought battle to acquire the attention of millions of people with nothing better to do than read the inane thoughts and actions of celebrities (in 140 characters or less).

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Ellen DeGeneres, famous talk show host/American Idol Judge/Lesbian, has decided to start her own record label after meeting with Youtube sensation/Justin Bieber clone, Greyson Chance. The record label, which she declared will henceforth be known as eleveneleven, currently only has one artist – Greyson Chance.

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Today, a new addiction has become a focus in the public eye, one that your own children may be privy to, if indeed you have any children. The idea of this addiction is not necessarily new, but, finally, evidence has been introduced to support the claims, in the form of college polls and hypotheses, at least.

That addiction is tanning.

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Montcoal, WV: In the aftermath of a mining accident that had killed at least 25 miners in the mountains of West Virginia, rescue attempts to account for, and hopefully save, the missing miners have been suspended three times. The cause? Lethal gas-leaks in the mines that could cause volatile and explosive reactions and cause the mine to collapse and kill everyone inside.

While no further information about the suspended rescues was released to the media, we interviewed our science staff, who are at the top of their fields in biology, chemistry, physics, scientology, and other science-type subjects.

At least, more knowledgeable than the field staff.

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