Browsing: Barely News

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New Orleans, LA: The latest entry as “America’s Team” was delivered a crippling sack this past weekend, as former players opened allegations of knowledge and support of a bounty program against the New Orleans Saints’ former defensive coordinator Gregg Williams. However, many wonder why the Saints should be disciplined harshly, considering how horrible their defense has been in recent years.

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Jersey City, NJ: For years, skeptics and conspiracy theorists alike have debated the meaning and relevancy of the Mayan calendar. The ancient timeline, which ends on December 21st, 2012, has been touted as a prophecy for the end of the world; oceans will rise, the sun ill go out, and the moon will come crashing into the Earth’s atmosphere as the dark lord will emerge from a rotting womb(as we have interpreted the Book of Revelations.) It has also been rationalized as merely the end of a calendar, much like how people change from February to March, or 2011 to 2012. Unfortunately, rationale went out the window yesterday as one of the most relevant signs of the Apocalypse is coming true: Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is pregnant.

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Demmin, GERMANY: Confusion struck the nation of Germany, and indeed the world, when Chancellor Angela Merkel was doused in beer during a Christian Democratic Union meeting last week. What had seemed to be blatant clumsiness of a waiter around one of the most stoic and cold political leaders in Europe seemed to be a blessing, as Chancellor Merkel did not have the waiter, known as Martin, beheaded, but merely shrugged the incident off and drank her beer.

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New York, NY: For years, reports of his death proved to be premature, over and over again. A website was erected in order to tell the world of his true status. His name is a running gag, so much so that this article may have jumped the shark a few years ago. Now, celebrations have begun as the perennial old man, Abe Vigoda, turned 91 years old today, beating out another group of celebrities in death pools worldwide.

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Los Angeles, CA: It didn’t take long for David Platt to feel the sharp blade of Valentine’s Day cut away the last bits of his self-esteem. What had begun as a routine trip outside to get the mail after work quickly became the challenge to endure melancholia, for when Mr. Platt reached into his mailbox and pulled out that handful of mail, he also pulled something out unexpected. That something was a crisp, pink, sealed envelope addressed to one David Platt and his home residence, with no return address. “I can’t deny that I was excited,” stated Mr. Platt. “I don’t usually get valentines. The last time I did I had to pay $50, and I only got to keep her for five minutes.”

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Punxsutawney, PA: Once again, our furry meteorologists have poked their heads out into the world for the sole purpose of telling us when to expect winter to be over. This time, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, forecasting 6 more weeks of winter. Pennsylvanians on location cheered, and proceeded to set up lawn chairs and umbrellas in order to begin preparing for the long winter.

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University Park, PA: After only a few hours and minimal faulty news reports, reality was finally confirmed: Abe Vigoda is still alive. Unfortunately for legendary Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, Joe Paterno is not. The rumor of Joe Paterno’s passing came late Saturday night, however family members, including Paterno himself, denied the allegations until Sunday morning. “News of my passing came prematurely, but rest assured, I’m still here,” explained Paterno, still not fully aware during a press conference that he had died.

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Tim Tebow, TT: Last Tebow tebowed a remarkable tebow for Tim Tebow, as Tim Tebow tebowed the Tim Tebows past the Tim Tebows to tebow on to the next Tebow. The tebow tebowed not only the Tim Tebows, but all tebows tebowing from tebow, in elation as well as anger.

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