Author Steve Elle

avatar
Staff Bios
0

Steve Elle is an incredibly talented yarn-spinner. He knows how to build a story and wring out its punch line and significance so well that you’d think he was raised by an ancient tribe of devoted oral historians. And, well, you would have had the ancient tribe part right, anyway. He has sense enough to know that Gossip Girl and So You Think You Can Dance? should be enjoyed both genuinely and also not. He knows this balance, and so his writing toes a line between mocking and praising his subjects, just without the praise part. Irony without affection; not wink-wink irony, just wink irony. That’s the real key to his success, not that he has ever really had any.

National
0

Bill O’Reilly, who has been known to spew absurdities such as “gay marriage will lead to interspecies marriage,” has been exposed as an “attic homosexual.”

This revelation was brought to light as O’Reilly was seen exiting Mt. Sinai Hospital after a brief period of infirmity. O’Reilly, a frequent critic of homosexuals and homosexuality, had no comment at this time and called these allegations “preposterous” and “gay.”

Barely News
0

Dr. Jerri Nielsen FitzGerald, 57, whose struggle against breast cancer during a winter at the South Pole captivated the world, died, only to be revived moments later in what is now being called a “miracle”.

Her husband, Thomas FitzGerald, says she died Tuesday at their home in Southwick, Mass, but that the stoppage of her heart then activated what she called the Kickstartmyheartillator. She developed this device, which is powered by energy stored by centrifugal forces catalyzed every time the toilet flushes, shortly after her return home from the tundra.

Entertainment
0

Natasha Richardson, a gifted and precocious heiress to acting royalty whose career highlights included the film Patty Hearst and a Tony-winning performance in a stage revival of Cabaret, died Wednesday at age 45 after suffering a wrist injury from a meter accident two weeks ago. The “ski accident” was apparently fabricated by her theatrical family in an effort to “legitimize” her injuries.

Sports
0

It was recently announced by UFC that Kurt Warner and Troy Polamalu will be engaging in a cage fight to determine which Christian athlete is more devout. This came about after the recent Super Bowl when Warner and Polamalu were kneeling side by side after the game in a show of devotion to their Christian faith. Apparently when Warner whispered “Heavenly father, thank you for the blessing of this day”, Polamalu misheard “Your long hair makes you look like a Christian pussy you Tongan freak”, or at least said he did. Polamalu’s agent was contacted shortly after the game, and a deal was brokered shortly before his visit to Disneyworld. As we go to press it is still to be determined what this has to do with being more devout.

Warner, who is known to sprinkle the word “God” or “Jesus” into every sentence, maintained his innocence, yet had this to say during fight preparations.

Opinions
0

Brett Favre, rough and tumble quarterback of the Green Bay Packers and New York Jets and spokesman for classy Wrangler Jeans, is having his manhood questioned in some corners.

It seems as if Brett Favre is not only the all time NFL leader in touchdowns and interceptions, he is also the proud leader in hugs and piggyback rides (among other things), often carrying, against their will, some of his lighter (read: firmer) teammates on his back as well as having gleefully hopped on the backs of his warm, lovable linemen a total of 245 times as of the end of the 2008 season. There’s reportedly also archived footage of him attempting a reach around (while on the back of Frank “Poppy” Winter) and then realizing at the last moment that he was actually on the football field and not his hotel room.

National
0

With all the hoopla surrounding US Airways Flight 1549 landing safely in the Hudson River, no one has mentioned the parallel tragedy that took place at the same time: dead birds. And not just any dead birds. It has been confirmed that the birds that took out both engines of Flight 1549 were from a flock of Canadian Geese.

In recent studies conducted at the Case Western Ornithological Masters Studies program, Canadian Geese (Branta canadensis) were found to have the IQ similar to that of orangutans and some chimpanzees. These amazing birds were able to learn and respond to commands such as ‘sit’, ‘stay’, ‘fly’, and ‘poop’ after only 3 days of training and coaching.

Barely News
0

In a piece of news not wholly unexpected, Tony Dungy, head football coach of the Indianapolis Colts, retired Sunday after a 13 year coaching career. Dungy began his head coaching career with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers after a successful run as defensive coach and defensive coordinator for the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Minnesota Vikings.

However, in a stunning turn of events, President-Elect Barack Obama has been fielding many calls of congratulations on his “coaching career.” This seems to confirm the age old ‘they all look the same’ narrow-mindedness that was pervasive in the 1950s.

Opinions
0

Jeff Bridges will be receiving an honorary Oscar for Best Cumulative Eating at the next Academy Awards ceremony. The Oscar will be presented by friend and fellow glutton, John Goodman. Bridges and Goodman both often got baked and then did some baking on the set of The Big Lebowski.

Jeff Bridges is a gourmet. I don’t know this to be explicitly true nor do I know the man, but I’ve nevertheless surmised that Jeff Bridges loves food. I’ve come to this conclusion after doing a comprehensive, globetrotting study of Jeff Bridges gastronomical idiosyncrasies and abilities on film. Ok, perhaps I’m kidding about the globetrotting aspect.

1 3 4 5