Author Steve Elle

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Barely News
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The Administration has stated that it will no longer use Federal resources to engage in court battles defending what one Administration member called the archaic institution of marriage. This is thought to create the beginnings of a slippery slope that could result in marriage between two men, two woman, a liberal and a conservative, a man and an animal, a woman and an animal, and any other crazy combination of mammalian species.

Sports
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With the re-re-re-retirement of NFL Hall of Fame quarterback and soft-porn texter Brett Favre, the world is wondering, “What will Brett Favre do now?” Well, aside from the probable comeback season, again, ESPN has begun to show the pilots of shows to be featured on one of their future splinter stations, BRESPN.

Sports
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Flushing Meadows, NY: Jets fans, not generally known for their intellect, have been issued a stern warning from the Surgeon General of the United States, Regina Benjamin. This was in the wake of several fatalities following the unlikely Jets victory against the Patriots. In one such fatality a fan decided to sled into oncoming traffic. This proved to be problematic as the sled’s imaginary air bag never deployed, nor did its antilock blades. Overtaxed city workers are still cleaning up this mess.

Barely News
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New York, NY: In a strange twist in what is already a strange set of circumstances, N. Y. Jets coach Rex Ryan insists that he and his wife do not have a foot fetish. Ryan, in consultation with Dr. Phil, has concluded that he and his wife have a “foot fattish”. This is a slight modification on what is typically known as a foot fetish. In this new type of obsession the common foot fetish is combined with the less common (in women) fat fetish combining two irresistible fetishes in one.

Barely News
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Minneapolis, MN: Much like Bill Clinton in the midst of the Monica Lewinsky scandal fumbling for a usable definition of “it”, most people are very curious as to how to interpret the word “this” in Ms. Favre’s statement that she is “dealing with this through faith”. Does she mean heartburn? Her period? The recent drought in Kiln? Or does she mean her husband’s ongoing, and apparently failing, attempts at infidelity with women that look just like Deanna did, oh, about 25 years ago when Deanna was cheering for some Podunk high school in Mississippi. The smart money is on this latter possibility.

Barely News
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Stop the presses, Brett Favre says, “It’s not my penis!”

When Favre explained this to ESPN, we were listening. But we wanted details. What about the watch? The voice messages? Well, everything can be easily explained away, Favre says.

Business
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After months and months of declarations and commercials proclaiming that ostracized megalomaniacal petrol company BP would “make this right”, executives have determined with a certainty that such a task is impossible and therefore they will never be able to “make this right”. Instead, executives are changing their catch phrase to: “BP loves you!”

National
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New York, NY: After 49 articles it’s time for a party. J-Sin and the rest of the immortals at the Inept Owl are set to paint the town red in celebration of 49 articles that demonstrate the depth of wit, the breadth of colloquy, the magnificence of turn of phrase, etc, of Pulitzer Prize winner (in waiting) J-Sin.

Entertainment
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Bristol, CT: In what seems to be her insatiable bloodlust for revenge in response to the shocking, life changing invasion of privacy (and increase in celebrity) she is still dealing with, Erin Andrews is suing yet another person in her latest frenzy of litigation. Andrews, marginal celebrity before these events, is suing Ken Bianchi, friend of the son of the cousin of Michael David Barrett, the man accused of illegally taping Ms. Andrews.