Author Steve Elle

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Sports
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State College, PA: In the wake of the recent Jerry Sandusky/Penn State molestation scandal the residents of Happy Valley, the nickname bestowed upon State College from residents throughout the state, have determined that a name change is in the best interest of the town. After a vote the chosen name has been revealed as Predator Paradise!

Sports
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Boston, MA: Author Chuck Palahniuk, noted for such books as Fight Club and Choke has turned to nonfiction for the first time. In December (just in time for the holidays), Scribner will be releasing Choke II – the Despicable True Story of the Boston Red Sox.

Entertainment
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Shortly after news reports came out that Tina Fey had a new baby girl, her publicist had to immediately squash rumors that she actually had an old baby girl. The Smoking Gun had come out with a story stating that Fey actually had a baby afflicted with Hutchinson–Gilford Progeria Syndrome and that curiously, whether due to this condition or other reasons, the baby looks exactly like Lorne Michaels.

Sports
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Jersy Shore, NJ: News flash: double negatives aside, Rex Ryan is not fat for no good reason, and his laziness has now permeated the scouting department. In what has become a trend, Jets scouts have once again failed and have relied upon the scouts of rival AFC team the Pittsburgh Steelers to flesh out their roster. To this end, and to continue a proud Jet trend, they have added convict Plaxico Burress to their roster.

Barely News
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London, England: As word came down this weekend that Amy Winehouse had finally succumbed to the unenviable miseries of stardom, adulation and millions of dollars by croaking in her home, fans of the famed soul crooner were found gathered outside her home shouting “NO, NO, NO!!!” Her manager, looking for some brightness amidst the gloom said, “now Wino can go home and be with her mum.” When told that Winehouse’s mother was still living her manager said “well, her grandmother then.”

National
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Imperial, NE: After a burst appendix nearly cost 4-year-old Colton Burpo his life in 2003, his parents were thankful just to have him alive and well. But when he opened his formerly bratty mouth about his brush with death a few months later, they were shocked when he described a very vivid trip via express escalator to heaven, and spoke of matters about which he had no apparent way of knowing, except for the extremely slim possibility that he overheard his parents talking about them time and time again.

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