Author Patrick AE

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Patrick is the man behind the man behind the site behind the man.... When he isn't writing for The Inept Owl, saving penguins from Hulk Hogan, and other activities that could be either truths or lies, he's editing everything else.

Business
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Benjamin Harrington didn’t buy an iPhone when it first came out. He didn’t fight shoppers to pick up a Wii gaming system when it first came out. The Blackberry and Razr has been updated multiple times, yet Ben Harrington continued on with his bulky “size of his hand” cellular phone. After months of ridicule by his friends for being behind in this technological age, Mr. Harrington vowed to wait day and night for as long as it took to attain the next breakthrough in electronics, whatever it may be.

International
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Local constables and MI personnel were put to the test yesterday as they unfoiled terrorist activity in the area of Hyde Park. Londoners had called in about a young male running through the streets wearing a red, white and blue thong and necktie. This would have been construed as a normal drunken American except the man was waving ignited sparklers, clearly a terrorist threat.

National
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They’re not just for wealthy eccentrics anymore. The police department of the City of Long Beach has jumped on the latest trend for slow travel with minimal perspiration. Last week boardwalk patrols were outfitted with Segway® personal transporters. These glamorized electric scooters have been popping up everywhere since their invention in 2001, from cities to paved trails through the park.

These scooters are two-wheeled, using a gyroscope to balance as well as adjust its direction and speed based on the rider’s body motion. Police officers nationwide are now using them in place of the tiresome bicycle in areas such as city streets, boardwalks, and parks, as well as any other public space where you don’t have to go too fast while dodging through groups of people. By using these chariots of the incredibly obnoxious, it is hoped that officers will be able to catch shop-lifters and drunken bums without having to break a sweat, with only the cost of five thousand dollars per unit.

Politics
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WASHINGTON, D.C.- In the aftermath of Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales’ testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, Gonzales has come under intense scrutiny because of his lack of informational responses. He was being questioned regarding his removal of eight federal prosecutors, which he claimed was “justified.” He has, however, forgotten what that justification was.

Entertainment
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The audience at this year’s Academy Awards was stunned as Chris Burke was called up to the stage to receive his Lifetime Achievement Award. It was not the fact that he had won the award, but how he had stated he won it.

That could be summed up by Mr. Burke’s acceptance speech. “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a confession.” Then in a clear, intelligible tone, stated, “I never really had Down’s Syndrome, but thanks for the award. Suckers!”

Entertainment
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It has been two weeks since Britney Spears attacked photographers with an umbrella outside of Kevin Federline’s home. Besides her newly shaved head, twitching eyes, and the tendency to bite anyone within arm’s distance, Miss Spears was a model California resident. Since then she has ducked into an undisclosed rehab center to tend to her addictions and overall psychosis.

National
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Visitors of Central Park were caught up in a nightmare Sunday as F-16 Fighting Falcons were deployed and shot down a plane flying in restricted airspace. The pilot of the rogue plane, 8 year old James Foldrieg, was guiding his wooden, rubber-band propelled glider to what local authorities assume was The Metropolitan Museum of Art, his target.

Capt. Reginald Watson was radioed about the renegade plane during his flight from the McGuire Air Force Base in New Jersey, and promptly sighted and shot it down using AIM-120 missiles. “The little wooden glider took evasive maneuvers, which enabled it to dodge my first AAM. I re-engaged the glider, and my second shot was dead on. I’m just glad there weren’t more casualties then necessary,” Capt. Watson explained.

Business
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With the eye-opening fiction of the diamond trade in theaters, women are becoming apprehensive about receiving diamond engagement rings. Upon looking at the brilliant, multi-faceted jewel, feminine sympathy has brought about sadness and disgust.

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