Author Archive: Rick Bernardo
iPOS 3.0 to be Released
Cupertino, CA: After months of mockery and resentment, but steady sales, Apple has raised the bar of excellence with the sophisticated features present in its iPhone 3.0 Operating System, due to be released to the public this summer.
GPS Misdirects Man for 5 Days
Another life was saved from faulty electronics yesterday, as local authorities found a man in his car on the mountain roads of Montana, severely dehydrated and, more importantly, out of gas. What was most alarming to local sheriff Mitchell Upton was the license plate of the car was from Vermont.
“People from out of state rural areas generally don’t come to Montana. There’s not much to see that people from, say, Vermont, haven’t seen in their backyard already. There’s just more of it here. Initially, I thought it may be one of them hippies who chew peyote and dance around naked in our forests. But this man, he was dressed in a polo shirt. Huge giveaway. He was lost.”
When Chimps Revolt
Stamford, CT: This past week marked a turning point in human interaction with their simian friends, as a 200 pound chimpanzee named Travis did his best Britany Spears impression by vandalizing cars, attacking strange women, and daring the police to stop him.
Local Idiot to Rip Off Tucker Max
In an effort to either find a buyer for his unrequitted love, or just to boost ratings for his website, inept editor Patrick Emmel released plans to create an online dating application in order to dupe would-be female attention getters into dating and/or sleeping with him. People who may find this familiar probably remember the exploits of Tucker Max, celebrity blogger and author of the book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, due to become a feature film in the near future.
Fat Necks Linked to Fat People
In the results of a study released late last week, scientists have confirmed a shocking discovery: people with fat necks are considered biologically fat.
Before now, there were other visual flags confirming that someone was, or was capable of being, fat. For instance, a bulbous lower abdomen on a human male or female, that is not dismissed by pregnancy, could be considered fat; the apparent joining of a human’s calf to his or her ankle, aptly named “cankles” by some of the most distinguished minds in the medical field, could put a person up for consideration as fat; ever present residue of condiments, such as mustard, ketchup, or maple syrup, even during non-meal times, on the subject’s shirt or seat of their pants or muumuu, could be a basis of consideration for fatness.
Peter Gabriel Takes Song, Goes Home
Los Angeles, CA: Citing disrespect, the stifling of artistry rights, and public humiliation, Peter Gabriel, the former frontman of the British pop band Genesis, now destined to write screen jingles and release “Greatest Hits” albums and DVDs, has pulled out of the 2009 Academy Awards.
Homes for Wayward Homes
President Barack Obama has turned his attention to another action on his “Taking Care of Business” policy list by further examining the mortgage crisis, which has played an alarming part in the current global economic situation.
At the present moment, the influx of mortgage failures and the business of trading the interests of these defaults has left countless houses in a state of turmoil and, essentially, homelessness. These houses become wards of banks, or even the state, which must then care for them as if they were their own.
Springsteen’s Slide Just an Act
Tampa Bay, FL: During a press conference, after his performance at Super Bowl XLIII’s Half-Time Show and before he was carted away in an ambulance, Bruce Springsteen answered questions by his detractors about his “losing the skill to rock.” The focus was on his knee slide across the stage and into a camera-man during the performance.
Iceland: “We Really Are a Country!”
Reykjavik, ICELAND: Iceland’s president, Olafur Ragnar Grimsson, held a press conference this morning with international journalists to state for the record that Iceland is indeed a country.
U.N. Deploys Sutherland to Gaza
The situation in Gaza Strip has alarmed the globe. Hamas radicals have fired Katyusha rockets into the nation of Israel after the Israeli demolition of trade tunnels used to transport munitions, the Israeli military re-responded with air-strikes and a ground assault into Gaza Strip, and everyone has egg on their face.
The United Nations and the United States have failed to negotiate a cease-fire between Israel and Hamas. Now, their only hope for peace rests in the hands of 24 star Jack Bauer.
